This will probably end up as a rambling vent of sorts so fair warning.
I'm just wondering if it's the same for anyone else. Almost always after having a wonderful day or night, I basically feel so so awful the next day. The constant hiding after a little bit of freedom. I'm waiting for my hormones, still over three months before I have my appointment with someone who might enable me to try and see the endo. And I'm almost permanently in boy mode. Never wore what are obvious women's clothes like dresses or heels. Only worked with say girls hoodies and jeans, although that is very much my style anyway and I don't see that changing. Keep my hair pretty short. I suppose medium length for guys, to keep up appearances and all that. And only really throw on makeup if I'm going out with someone I know and knows about me being trans.
I had one of the best nights I've had in forever last night. And that was after earlier picking up pretty things in Mac off my friend who just started working there. In the same shopping centre as me. Was having the two best girlfriends and another girlfriend over to mine for a few before heading out. One arrived real early after college and I had just got home from work. So we basically got ready together like proper ladies. Using the same mirror to beat our faces and everything. After a while the other two arrived. The second best friend, we had a major fight a few months ago so it's amazing to be all chummy again, and she's also the most supportive.
So all dolled up. Girls Converse, jeans and tee. And uni duffle cardigan. And tiara. Love being able to dress freely as I see fit. Went into the favourite club. Basically my home in this awful country although I don't get to go as often as I'd like. My Drag hero was performing. Willam
Amazing night. Got to meet her any everything. Stayed away from kissing boys cos I want to start getting my hormones and things before I worry about them creatures. Except when Willam grabbed my no no parts. Probably the greatest moment of my life.
Super fun and all that. Pizza after. Taxi home. Where the lady who got ready with me stayed over as she usually does. Like I probably could have cried tears of joy last night. But today is almost exactly the opposite. Admittedly I am a little tired, and sick. But I've been close to bawling my eyes out all day. And comfort eating all the food from last night. The sudden change between the freedom I had last night and this stupid boy mode is horrible. Plus the fact I have to work tomorrow, with the uniform I wear I basically go into full straight boy mode which is even worse. Only out as gay in work. But act very straight except if I'm chatting with some of the coworkers. None no I'm really trans.
And they're the same feelings I get almost after every night or day out. And another part of it being a lot of people I know that I've told, still just see me as a super flamboyant girly gay guy and treat me as such. The ones I knew while I thought I was just a gay guy for ages. And it just kind of sucks. I also don't really have the option of presenting as a girl at home. Mama is fine with the whole being gay thing, even a little makeup like BB cream here, or glitter there. But if I cross over into girl territory she flares up basically. Big no no. I would move out but I'm waiting to see what the hormones costs and such will be and then plan my moves. Currently saving.
Ugh. Just feel a little trapped sometimes. Like every time I try and get up I get knocked back down. Also my main outlet I've always had, playing football, hasn't been possible for months due to injuries. Just came back this week and aggravated the latest injury.
Also I always get a little jealous of some of the Queens cos some of them working in my main are like outrageously pretty. Even though they're all lovely and take care of me.
Bleh. I'm just finding this whole trans thing really tough. And I haven't even started properly yet
And a little scared. Which is very unusual for me as I have generally been almost overconfident or arrogant with most things in my life so far.
Would love to throw on a wig, a skimpy dress and heels and stroll into work with everyone there and be like yo. But I know at best I'll be in girl's skinny jeans and only I know they're from the women's section.
Think I got lost somewhere making this post. Multiple times and not sure why I even started. But I feel a little better now after my moan.
I did put a warning at the top though
