This will probably end up as a rambling vent of sorts so fair warning.

I'm just wondering if it's the same for anyone else. Almost always after having a wonderful day or night, I basically feel so so awful the next day. The constant hiding after a little bit of freedom. I'm waiting for my hormones, still over three months before I have my appointment with someone who might enable me to try and see the endo. And I'm almost permanently in boy mode. Never wore what are obvious women's clothes like dresses or heels. Only worked with say girls hoodies and jeans, although that is very much my style anyway and I don't see that changing. Keep my hair pretty short. I suppose medium length for guys, to keep up appearances and all that. And only really throw on makeup if I'm going out with someone I know and knows about me being trans.

I had one of the best nights I've had in forever last night. And that was after earlier picking up pretty things in Mac off my friend who just started working there. In the same shopping centre as me. Was having the two best girlfriends and another girlfriend over to mine for a few before heading out. One arrived real early after college and I had just got home from work. So we basically got ready together like proper ladies. Using the same mirror to beat our faces and everything. After a while the other two arrived. The second best friend, we had a major fight a few months ago so it's amazing to be all chummy again, and she's also the most supportive.

So all dolled up. Girls Converse, jeans and tee. And uni duffle cardigan. And tiara. Love being able to dress freely as I see fit. Went into the favourite club. Basically my home in this awful country although I don't get to go as often as I'd like. My Drag hero was performing. Willam     Amazing night. Got to meet her any everything. Stayed away from kissing boys cos I want to start getting my hormones and things before I worry about them creatures. Except when Willam grabbed my no no parts. Probably the greatest moment of my life.

Super fun and all that. Pizza after. Taxi home. Where the lady who got ready with me stayed over as she usually does. Like I probably could have cried tears of joy last night. But today is almost exactly the opposite. Admittedly I am a little tired, and sick. But I've been close to bawling my eyes out all day. And comfort eating all the food from last night. The sudden change between the freedom I had last night and this stupid boy mode is horrible. Plus the fact I have to work tomorrow, with the uniform I wear I basically go into full straight boy mode which is even worse. Only out as gay in work. But act very straight except if I'm chatting with some of the coworkers. None no I'm really trans.

And they're the same feelings I get almost after every night or day out. And another part of it being a lot of people I know that I've told, still just see me as a super flamboyant girly gay guy and treat me as such. The ones I knew while I thought I was just a gay guy for ages. And it just kind of sucks. I also don't really have the option of presenting as a girl at home. Mama is fine with the whole being gay thing, even a little makeup like BB cream here, or glitter there. But if I cross over into girl territory she flares up basically. Big no no. I would move out but I'm waiting to see what the hormones costs and such will be and then plan my moves. Currently saving.

Ugh. Just feel a little trapped sometimes. Like every time I try and get up I get knocked back down. Also my main outlet I've always had, playing football, hasn't been possible for months due to injuries. Just came back this week and aggravated the latest injury.
Also I always get a little jealous of some of the Queens cos some of them working in my main are like outrageously pretty. Even though they're all lovely and take care of me.

Bleh. I'm just finding this whole trans thing really tough. And I haven't even started properly yet  And a little scared. Which is very unusual for me as I have generally been almost overconfident or arrogant with most things in my life so far.
Would love to throw on a wig, a skimpy dress and heels and stroll into work with everyone there and be like yo. But I know at best I'll be in girl's skinny jeans and only I know they're from the women's section.

Think I got lost somewhere making this post. Multiple times and not sure why I even started. But I feel a little better now after my moan.
I did put a warning at the top though 

Nothing wrong with having a moan, hon. Often it's good for the soul just to get out what's eating at you. Better than letting it fester away inside.

I can understand the feeling of "Oh god, back to the daily drudgery" after an experience that leaves you wishing your life could be like that all the time. I don't know too many people who wouldn't feel the same. It's like the hitting the ground after the highest of highs and wondering "will I ever experience something like that again?"

It can be jarring. And I don't think you're going mad to feel a sense of reality coming crashing down after something that lets you experience your wildest dreams.

All I would really say is just keep it in your heart as an example of what you can have. And strive for that, in whatever ways you can, be they large or small. Use the experience as motivation to not give up and a glimpse of what your life could be like, one day.

*extra big hug*

Quote from: Ash on November 22, 2014, 03:02:40 PM
Ugh. Just feel a little trapped sometimes. Like every time I try and get up I get knocked back down.

...

Bleh. I'm just finding this whole trans thing really tough. And I haven't even started properly yet  And a little scared. Which is very unusual for me as I have generally been almost overconfident or arrogant with most things in my life so far.
Would love to throw on a wig, a skimpy dress and heels and stroll into work with everyone there and be like yo. But I know at best I'll be in girl's skinny jeans and only I know they're from the women's section.

Hugs. You probably feel trapped because you are. You have a great time presenting as close to female as you feel you are able and then it's back to cold harsh gender enforced reality the next day. Having been there I understand how distressing it can be. Believe me the trans thing is actually hardest at that point - back and forth, back and forth; once you start to be true to yourself and continue to come out from underneath that gender enforcement the more liberating and uplifting it can be. If you need to buy some clothes and a wig consider buying online, it can be a bit hit and miss at first so don't spend much until you get a sense of your size but it will give you enough of a wardrobe to think about shopping in the stores.

Thanks ladies 
Feeling a good deal better now anyway. Plus I have my stinky fluffy boo here with me who doesn't care how I look. Always offers his paw 

Waiting for the Christmas sales over here before I go mad blowing all my money on pretty things.
Can't resist anything sparkly though.