Do I have to come out? Must physical changes be explained?

[Brenda E]

So I'm out to those closest to me - they're all cool (for the large part.)  But everyone else?  Do I have to "come out"?  Can't I just go through whatever physical changes come my way without having to let co-workers and distant family members I don't really care about in on every little private part of my life?  I don't want to make this an event.

They'll notice, of course.  Some will ask questions, and I'm ok with that on a one-on-one basis.  I just don't feel like I should have to explain myself to them via a mass email or giant production.  If they're curious, can't they just come to me?

Sure, there'll be issues like bathrooms.  But aside from dealing with HR and clearing those up, is there anything stopping me just transitioning gradually and without much explanation?  Not in a "pretending people don't notice" kind of way, nor in a "it's none of your business" kind of way; more in a "it's no big deal, move along" kind of way.

?

[Beth Andrea]

I don't see why not...early in my transition (when introducing nail polish and earrings) I didn't initiate any conversation about it, but when asked I just shrugged and said, "Why should girls get all the pretty things? I like (insert object of interest here)."

People were ok with that.

The only ones who actually "pried" were the many lesbians I encountered; they'd come "out" to me, and then would ask, "Can I ask you something...? Are you transitioning ("changing" was another common word)...? What's your girl name?"

But they were all so sweet and yes, charming...and I'm so gay I can't keep a straight face.

In my case, the union rep and HR both suggested that I type up a letter saying what I'm doing...mainly because they were getting a lot of questions from others who saw and suspected something. Both said I was under no obligation to do so. I did anyway, just to bring everyone on board with me. (The last sentence in the letter was, "If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me."

[MacG]

My employer employs several thousand people. I have a wide variety (little to a lot) of contact with a lot of coworkers. I didn't want to send a mass email.
So i came out to those I work closest with and a few key people in other departments I regularly interact with.
In my email, I let people know that this was not a secret.
A few weeks later (about two weeks ago from now), I updated my email signature from my androgynous name to a clearly masculine longer form of my name.

This has worked well so far.

[Ms Grace]

You don't have to come out but I presume there's a point when you will fully transition, name change and all? I guess it depends on how large and impersonal your workplace is but the people who don't see you as often will definitely notice something is up more than the people who see you day to day. Believe me that's when people start to gossip. My approach the first time was "I don't want anyone to know" and it ate me up wondering if people knew anyway, this time I was happy for everyone to know, even put a short announcement in our newsletter with a pic when I transitioned so as to squash the rumour mill - which it did a pretty good job of too.

[Brenda E]

Interesting - thanks for the responses.  Sounds like a "it's not an issue" approach is fairly normal.  I had thought that coming out at work, in a large corporate environment, would have involved meetings with HR, meetings between HR and the employees to "prepare" them for what was to come, then a whole coming out announcement.  Evidently, things in the real world are less formal.

It's not like I want to keep secrets from people - they'll clearly notice and gossip.  I'd rather they initiate the conversation if they're interested, and if they don't care, that's cool with me too.  I guess I'm trying to avoid the situation where somehow I've got to take proactive steps to transition, rather than letting it happen passively and unintrusively.

I have a feeling though that all my concerns will melt away into nothing when I actually get a little further down the road and find out that most people (?) these days are decent and educated enough to think that trans girls are rather unremarkable.

[Makenzie]

Yes,it is best to come out,because it is safer for then to know the truth than see you as a newcomer.If something comes up it may out you and you don't know what they could do.

[Aewin]

I wouldn't say you have to officially come out, but it's ultimately up to you. People probably won't change their pronouns for you (or your name, if you've changed it) unless you explicitly tell them to, no matter how much you change in terms of appearance/presentation. So if that bothers you, it might be best to officially announce it, at least to a few people close to you, and have them change how they refer to you, and hope others get it as a sort of cascade effect.

[Brenda E]

People probably won't change their pronouns for you (or your name, if you've changed it) unless you explicitly tell them to, no matter how much you change in terms of appearance/presentation.

A good point.  Unless told to change the pronoun used for a certain person, you're correct that it's unlikely to change naturally just because appearances gradually change.  People would also come to the wrong conclusion and think I'm a full-time cross-dresser rather than a transgender woman unless I tell them otherwise.

[JoanneB]

I am in the "Need to Know" camp. In many forums you see a lot angst expressed over coming out. Perhaps how it's done has a lot to do with where in life you are? If you have a well entrenched and mostly working life, as little upset (aka notice) as possible always struck me as the best way to go. However once things become more "Official", as in name change or gender markers, it can/will have an impact in many areas of your life.

From what I heard from several members in my TG group people tend to be hesitant to say or ask you anything regarding changes. Once the rumor mill is fed everyone will be noticing every little thing about you. One member was well past the point of only fooling herself before she made it official at work. How other people act, think, feel, etc. you cannot control. There are also rules that need to be followed. TG rights, or "bathroom bills" are not all that common. Hence our legal protections are lacking. After having been in management, along with around the block a few times, I can assure you any employer can and will get rid of you finding some "legitimate" business reason to do so if you aren't worth the hassle. Only a PHB will say in writing it was over being TG.

Distant family and friends? Family will hear via the rumor mill. Distant friends have no initial "need" to know. Even not so distant or close friends really do.

On the flip side is the ever present "You are only as sick as your secrets". I occasionally anguish over coming out to my sister. Right now there is no legitimate need to, just an emotional need. I am tired of the shame, the guilt. Yet, there is a big risk in telling her anything right now to the only real family I have left. If / when going full-time is reality, then I will