My Mom wants me to dress up

[wheat thins are delicious]

I wouldn't do it, or even compromise with them on it.  I would flat out refuse.  If you do it, you are saying that you are willing to compromise your identity for their comfort and that sets a bad precedent. 

[NathanielM]

My mother asked me to dress up for one last picture so she could have a memory of me as a girl. She was great about my transition and I was so taken a back I said yes at first.
But I also felt terrible about it, and after asking for advice here I talked to her about how I felt about it and why she asked me. I didn't do it in the end and she was ok with that too.
It's not exactly the same as I would've dressed up for maybe 5 minutes, but I'm mentioning it because she didn't realise how upset I was by her asking that and when we talked about it she didn't want me to do it anymore either. I think that whatever you end up doing it's important to make it very clear that dressing up as something you're not, even for a short time makes you feel something. I know my mother would've felt awfull if I'd have done it and only later told her how terrible it made me feel and I think if your parents care a lot about you they would want to know too. And then you can still make a compromise with them.

[Susan]

If you give in now, they will keep on you. Tell them they have a choice. they can accept you for who you are, and that includes how you dress; or you can find someplace else to spend thanksgiving and christmas too if need be

[BlaineGame]

Thhank you all for your advice! I have decided to dress male and tell my parents how I feel about dressing as female. Hopefully they will understand and if not then that's just too bad for them

[Bimmer Guy]

Thhank you all for your advice! I have decided to dress male and tell my parents how I feel about dressing as female. Hopefully they will understand and if not then that's just too bad for them

I'm glad you were able to come to a comfortable decision for yourself.  Let us know how it goes.  Speaking of which...

I wish you loads of luck if you do it today! Make sure to tell us how it goes if you want

... I decided to go tell my mom today.  It went ok.  I think she is still in shock.  She talked religion and all that (that maybe God could give me peace so that I didn't have to change sexes), but on the whole wasn't too bad.  I think I may write a post about it.

[BlaineGame]

I'm glad you were able to come to a comfortable decision for yourself.  Let us know how it goes.  Speaking of which...

... I decided to go tell my mom today.  It went ok.  I think she is still in shock.  She talked religion and all that (that maybe God could give me peace so that I didn't have to change sexes), but on the whole wasn't too bad.  I think I may write a post about it.

Yes! I'd love to hear how it went in detail

[evan114]

Thhank you all for your advice! I have decided to dress male and tell my parents how I feel about dressing as female. Hopefully they will understand and if not then that's just too bad for them

Congrats! Glad you feel able to be yourself. I agree with others, if you aren't allowed to come dressed as yourself, go feed the homeless or find a friend to spend Thanksgiving with.

[Susan]

The best argument to use with a Christian is basically to point out that this is what gives you peace, and the turmoil that comes from fighting it. Then remind them  that peace only comes from one place. Following the plan that has been laid out for you.


If they obey and serve him, they will spend the rest of their days in prosperity and their years in contentment. - Job 36:11

The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way. - Psalm 37:23

A man's heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps. - Proverbs 16:9

[BlaineGame]

Well, I talked to my mom and told her how I felt about dressing up and she didn't take me seriously, no matter how many times I told her. I also told her that I was serious about transitioning and she said "just continue to go to therapy". Every time I told her how I wanted to transition she'd always say that. I think she's in denial.

I will try again later today because yesterday I had to leave to blow off some steam. Yelling at her wouldn't have solved anything anyway.

But it really pisses me off that every time I say I'm serious about transitioning, my mom says, "just continue therapy". I'm seriously considering spending thanksgiving with my other grandma...the only problem is, my dad's mom won't be on this earth much longer and my family is going to her assistant living home for Thanksgiving. That's why my parents want me to dress up...

I feel guilty every time I think about not spending time with my dad's mom, but she's so frail...I think I'd have more fun with my mom's mom. My mom's mom is open minded and if I tell her what's going on, she probably wouldn't care that I'm trans. Plus, I wouldn't have to "dress up" if I spent thanksgiving with her...

[adrian]

Man, I'm really sorry -- this sounds really, really frustrating. I think you did the right thing to stop the discussion when it became clear it was pointless to continue.

I think you should bring this up in therapy -- maybe you and your therapist can work out a good way to respond to your mom? It does sound like she needs some time.

Maybe writing your thoughts and feelings down in a letter could be helpful.

It's a hard decision about your grandmas. Is there any way for you to visit the one who is frail before or after thanksgiving on your own?

[Alexthecat]

Sounds like your mom thinks therapy is going to 'fix' you into not being trans. Maybe she needs a therapy appointment herself.

[BlaineGame]

Man, I'm really sorry -- this sounds really, really frustrating. I think you did the right thing to stop the discussion when it became clear it was pointless to continue.

I think you should bring this up in therapy -- maybe you and your therapist can work out a good way to respond to your mom? It does sound like she needs some time.

Maybe writing your thoughts and feelings down in a letter could be helpful.

It's a hard decision about your grandmas. Is there any way for you to visit the one who is frail before or after thanksgiving on your own?

Yeah, I can visit my frail grandma after thanksgiving. That's a good idea actually. And unfortunately I don't have a therapy appt this week since it's Thanksgiving week. But I could call my therapist....

I always write down my feelings and thoughts...I've got an autobiography about my transition where I write how I feel and what I'm going through weekly. I'm hoping to get it published one day so that people who like to read can see what it's like to transition and how it affects us.

I've written a letter already but it didn't really help...unfortunately I write so much that I just don't get any relief from it anymore.

Sounds like your mom thinks therapy is going to 'fix' you into not being trans. Maybe she needs a therapy appointment herself.

Hahaha XD

My therapist actually suggested a parent support group for my parents but she wants my parents to go once I've had a few more sessions with her.

[adrian]

Ok, so maybe that's a plan then (two plans: visit the frail grandmother after thanksgiving and the parents support group ).

To me it sounds like it could be beneficial for you and your family to let it rest for a while. It sounds like talking to them at this point isn't doing anything to improve the situation. So if you have a chance to take yourself out of this situation for a short while at least, maybe you should.
Maybe things will have calmed a little after Thanksgiving.

If you have a chance to call your therapist, I think I'd go for it. Just to get their opinion and maybe some extra support!

[BlaineGame]

Yeah, thanks adrian and everyone else

[Bimmer Guy]

Yeah, thanks adrian and everyone else

Blaine - sorry it isn't going the way you hoped.  I think going to the other grandmothers and then visiting the frail one on a different day is a good one.  The other thing that may be helpful is if you bring your mother into a therapy session.  With the therapist there to back you up your mother will have a harder time staying in denial

The best argument to use with a Christian is basically to point out that this is what gives you peace, and the turmoil that comes from fighting it. Then remind them  that peace only comes from one place. Following the plan that has been laid out for you.


If they obey and serve him, they will spend the rest of their days in prosperity and their years in contentment. - Job 36:11

The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way. - Psalm 37:23

A man's heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps. - Proverbs 16:9

Thank you, Susan.  That is one of the things I said to my mother.  How does she not know that this is where God is "leading" me?  God, gave man the tools to respond to people's gender dysphoria (hormones, surgery), so perhaps this is what He would want.  This did give her pause and she said it was a good point (she said it in a thoughtful type of way).

She could though make the argument that since I am not a "practicing" Christian, I can't hear God (over the sin/Satan/loud noise of the world), but she didn't think to mention that one. 

Mom also is a literal translator of the Bible, and HER Bible (NIV version), says that "homosexuality" is a sin, but it doesn't say anything about transgender individuals, so it does stump her.  ha.

I appreciate the discussion, Susan.  I am actually going to write those verses down, so I have them for future conversations (perhaps with my sister!).

[wheat thins are delicious]

Plus, I wouldn't have to "dress up" if I spent thanksgiving with her...

But you don't have to, you are an adult, and while you may live at home, they do not have control over every aspect of your life.  You said they would not kick you out for not dressing up as a girl, so why consider doing it if you feel safe?  Are they literally going to hold you down and force female clothes on you if you refuse to wear them?  At this point, I would stop trying to talk to your mom about transitioning because you've told her and you are obviously not getting through to her.  Don't give in to dressing up.  Actions speak louder than words.  If you dress up she's going to take it as a sign that you are not really serious about transitioning if she can sway you so easily.  Just keep moving forward in your transition and she will see you are serious. 

[LittleBoyBear]

Man I'm sorry, thats really frustrating!
If it were me, I would get dressed in a suit and make it look awesome, and then go talk to them about how THIS is how you like to feel, and to dress up for special occasions. It might drive the point home.
Good luck and stay cool with them.
-Bear

[Lostkitten]

I get annoyed with your parents just hearing what you say..

Anyway, if they ever demand you to wear a dress, just tell your dad to do the same. If he says no you can just say; So I don't have to either.

Bunch of difficult/annoying people there.. Hope it all ended alright (not sure when Thanksgiving is, don't have that here o.o).

[BlaineGame]

I get annoyed with your parents just hearing what you say..

Anyway, if they ever demand you to wear a dress, just tell your dad to do the same. If he says no you can just say; So I don't have to either.

Bunch of difficult/annoying people there.. Hope it all ended alright (not sure when Thanksgiving is, don't have that here o.o).

Thanksgiving is on the 27th lol. And I like that idea 

But you don't have to, you are an adult, and while you may live at home, they do not have control over every aspect of your life.  You said they would not kick you out for not dressing up as a girl, so why consider doing it if you feel safe?  Are they literally going to hold you down and force female clothes on you if you refuse to wear them?  At this point, I would stop trying to talk to your mom about transitioning because you've told her and you are obviously not getting through to her.  Don't give in to dressing up.  Actions speak louder than words.  If you dress up she's going to take it as a sign that you are not really serious about transitioning if she can sway you so easily.  Just keep moving forward in your transition and she will see you are serious. 

You give very good advice, it's like a slap to the face but in a good way lol.

Man I'm sorry, thats really frustrating!
If it were me, I would get dressed in a suit and make it look awesome, and then go talk to them about how THIS is how you like to feel, and to dress up for special occasions. It might drive the point home.
Good luck and stay cool with them.
-Bear

I wish I could but I don't have the money to buy a suit...but I'll stay cool

Blaine - sorry it isn't going the way you hoped.  I think going to the other grandmothers and then visiting the frail one on a different day is a good one.  The other thing that may be helpful is if you bring your mother into a therapy session.  With the therapist there to back you up your mother will have a harder time staying in denial

My therapist actually suggested bringing her too. I'm gonna take her on my third appointment

[LittleBoyBear]

I wish I could but I don't have the money to buy a suit...but I'll stay cool

My therapist actually suggested bringing her too. I'm gonna take her on my third appointment

Well, do you have anything sorta nice? A button down shirt and a tie, maybe? (As opposed to confronting them looking "slouchy".) What were you planning on wearing on Thanksgiving?

I have been thinking about bringing a family member to therapy with me. But my mom and sister aren't talking to me. My dad did call and said he wants to talk, so maybe he'll come...