Being around others just reinforces the fact of how alone I truly am.

[Valleyrie]

So, as someone who's been suffering from depression and anxiety for a long time now I've been constantly trying over these years to get myself out there and meet people I can relate with.

Anyways, I went to this lgbt picnic event in the city on Saturday and whilst it was quite a beautiful area, I had an awful time. As always, I'm the awkward one out who doesn't talk and clicks with no one. Everyone seemed to be having fun and having conversations about completely random things just because they could. And there I am, a loser with no friends who is probably one of the most boring people you'd ever meet (yes I did go alone but so did many others but they were perfectly fine in having someone to talk to).

The thing that really made me upset was that I was sitting in a group of people trying to talk and once this guy left he basically asked everyone except me for their Facebook/numbers and didn't even give me a goodbye or acknowledge my existence - cun*. Not that I care, but really? Sorry, I'm still really pissed off and upset about the whole thing. I didn't expect it to go like this at all. My anxiety became so overwhelming that I had to disconnect mentally just to be able to cope - something I haven't had to do in quite a while and don't have to do that often any more.

I ended up leaving a few hours early because I was feeling extremely upset and started to feel sick. I wanted to cry so badly but I was holding it in. On the way back home on the train all I could think of is how beautiful it would be to just take my life. I was so distraught that I'm pretty sure it could show on my face, I was ready to break down in tears.

I'm so hurt, I can't even relate to people my own age and I feel like a freak. I don't feel accepted as a woman, yet alone a lesbian. Again, not that I care but it would be nice. I felt so left out and unable to relate. Everyone was talking about how they were in school, what school they went to, what people they knew, what they wanted to do when they're older, what subjects they're taking... and me? All there is to know about me is that I've been out of school for 2 years and outside of the internet, I'm a complete loner.

What do I do when time and time again I try only to prove myself that I am truly alone in this world? All I do is strive off false hope.

On a side note, there was this trans girl there who told me I was really beautiful and how feminine and stuff I was. She kept complimenting me on my hair and everything and eventually said she wished she could look like me. I was really surprised because no one has ever said anything like that to me. There was also this girl who came up to me and we started to talk quite a bit and she kept smiling but it got quite awkward after a bit because I don't think either of us knew what to say. She ended up going on her phone until I eventually got up and moved to a different group with some people I initially met at the station (the group I mentioned above). I didn't know what to say or want to be rude but I was really anxious and wanted to see if there was anyone there I could have a decent conversation with instead of being the quite awkward person all the time.

[Foxglove]

Valleyrie, I don't know how much I can say to you, but one thing immediately comes to mind: just because you're with lots of people doesn't mean you have to talk.  You can just be there, be with people, listen to them, look at what's going on around you.

Two people you reminded me of.  (1) A guy many years ago who was a member of a group of separated/divorced men that I was in.  This guy was undoubtedly the shyest guy I've ever seen.  He was so intimidated you had the mental image of a pretzel: he seemed all twisted up and totally unable to relax.  But he was the nicest guy in the world, and nobody ever pushed him to participate in the discussions.  We were perfectly content for him to be there and take what he could from the meetings.

(2) A T-girl I met a while back.  Also very shy and insecure.  Initially she wouldn't say much when we got together.  She'd just sit there being part of the group.  And that was OK.  Nowadays, she's opened up, become much more relaxed and confident.  It just took her a while to become comfortable with herself.

So don't put any pressure on yourself.  It's OK to be with the group, even if you're not saying much.  I think eventually as you get to know people, you'll find out who you like and who you don't like, who you have things in common with and who you don't.  Give yourself time to ease into things.

You feel like a freak?  Join the human race.  Just about everybody in this world, trans or cis, can feel like they don't truly belong.  It isn't just you.

And whatever you do, DO NOT TAKE YOUR LIFE!  If that is a serious problem for you, look for help.  We have all eternity to be dead.  This life is short and precious.  Allow yourself to taste it.  I know all about loneliness myself.  Lots of us do.  Just be with people--and bit by bit you'll start building bonds with them.

[speckyhailey]

I can relate to you so much. I'm not exactly a loner, but I'm not close to any of my friends and most of them only really talk to me because I'm a familiar face at lunch. I struggle to connect with anyone really and feel like an outsider most of the time.

I think we need to focus on the positives, it's great that someone thought you were beautiful and that shows the day isn't a total loss. As bad as the day went, you really made an impression on someone and you should feel great about that.

I don't really know what to say apart from if you need to talk, I'm here anytime and I'll try my best to answer any messages asap. It might make me feel a little less lonely as well.

Hugs
Hailey xx

[Ms Grace]

As someone who has been there I can relate completely. Personally I prefer small groups where I can focus on a few people rather than large groups, the fewer people I know in large groups the more shy I become. I've been to parties in the past where I wondered why I even bothered showing up. I hate making pointless chit chat.

Now I will say this to you, you are probably introverted and most of those other people were probably extroverted. Extroverts love to be with large groups of people, love to be the centre of attention and love talking about lots of random stuff and having a good loud time. When you get a bunch of them together lookout! If you don't engage with them they have little time for you or interest in you. There is nothing wrong with you, you just had a different interpersonal dynamic going on.

There is a scale of introvert and extrovert.

I now consider myself mostly mid way between introvert and extrovert (a vert??). I have to say I find extroverts to be rather boring. But I also find introverts to be very difficult to connect with. They barely say boo. They shrug, they look away, they don't smile, they don't engage in anything except their tiny slice of thing-of-interest. Now I realise depression and other factors can play a large part in that. But if a borderline introvert like myself finds introverts difficult to relate to then what must extroverts make of them - they are well off their radar. Again, nothing wrong with that it's just a different personality and interpersonal relationship/dynamic. The problem, especially for introverts, is that extroverts seem to be having so much darn fun about it and they're seemingly doing it so easily and they're all exclusive too. But this is just an illusion, extroverts are often no happier than introverts and unlike introverts who often value their own company and alone time it is almost intolerable for extroverts.

The key is to communicate. Relax. Don't feel desperate about saying the right thing. Understand that the type of connection extroverts make is not necessarily the type of connection you are looking for or can relate to. I had to get out that Dale Carnige book How to Win Friends and Influence People before I even had a clue about how to connect with and communicate with people. Even in 1986 it had some useful advice about what most people are looking for - it took me a few hamfisted attempts but I started to get the idea. Be genuinely interested in other people, listen to what they have to say, don't worry about what you're going to say in response to them, just listen; if you have a similar interest that's great talk about it, but be interested in other stuff they're talking about; share about yourself but don't overshare, if people want to know more they will ask but don't swamp them; take the initiative - join in the conversation. These are skills that take time and practice - some people have been doing it for much longer - it doesn't make you a better or lesser person, it doesn't make you boring.

You took a great personal risk going out with the group. You should be congratulating yourself. OK, it didn't pay off the way you had hoped, but if there were people there that you liked why not see if you can catch up with them for a drink and a chat? Sure that guy took everyone else's FB details but yours - screw that guy, what a knob. He probably still hasn't friended them and if he has he probably has 1,500 friends and cares about only four of them, if that. Did you take any one's contact? If yes, great, contact them don't wait for them to contact you!! If you didn't get their contacts, do it next time. It takes time, trust and patience to build good relationships, don't expect it to happen at one party/picnic/whatever.

Believe in yourself.

[lindagrl]

Hello Valleyri, i know what it´s like to be the odd one out, but don´t do what i did, keep going out, practice until you feel more confident.
People can be really rude and careless with the feelings of others, me included. Think about those two that were nice to you and smile.
Take care, you not alone.
linda

[stephaniec]

I'm an  introvert

[StevieAK]

Sorry you had a bad time. I can totally relate and have thought the same thing often. Love yourself and be with people that want to be with you is my motto and although ive not found many who want to be with me i keep trying.

[Cindy]

Oh Valleyrie, I know exactly how you feel.

For so many years I wouldn't even turn up to an event or go to a party and leave after five minutes.

But it gets better, as you grow into being you life changes and you will feel like meeting people and they will want to meet you.

Some things you can practice, I use to write down stuff that I could talk about so I could make small talk. Practice a nice smile so people see you as a woman they wish to meet. It's slow and for so many of us who have never had friends very daunting.

But you will get there Hon.

Hugs

[Eva Marie]

I am a recovering introvert so I am all too familiar with the feeling of being the odd person out in a group - because I was always the odd person out in a group.

HRT has helped a lot with my confidence, but I am still no where near being an extrovert. I know myself, and I know the circumstances that are likely to bring me stress. The situation you described would definitely bring stress onto me and my reaction would be a lot like yours - to shut down.

Introverts have the gift of being able to be comfortable when there are no other people around; I spend most of my time with myself and that is ok. With that said we all have a human need to connect with other people. The situation you described was not a place that an introverted person would have much success in connecting with other people.

There is nothing wrong with you. You should work on finding social situations that have you interacting with a small group of people in a no-stress situation. Something like volunteer work for a charity that you feel strongly about - the activity gives you a built in subject to discuss with people that have the same interest as you, so the stress of thinking about stuff to talk about is not present.

Another thing you can practice is learning how to converse. One of my favorite things to do is to carefully listen to what people say and then ask them questions about what they said. People love to talk about themselves and if you use this tactic you'll have them doing most of the talking, all the while mentioning things that you can ask about later.

Introverts are special snowflakes, and you are a special snowflake too 

[steyraug96]

OK, this is probably going to get me booed a lot, but...
Check out "Manhood academy" and download their ebook on "principles of effective communication" I think it was. (Blocked by work firewall.)

It's more about HOW to talk, how to have something to say.  It's biased towards being a man entertaining a woman, but you're not that far different, as a lesbian - you'll need to take the lead at least sometimes, you'll need to communicate effectively.
and that's just a start, you should also look at Dom Gabor, and the classic from Dale Carnegie, "HJow to win friends and influence people."

Lastly, cheesy as it sounds, check out Pick Up Artist videos on youTube.  Point is to learn how Most people look at the social interaction.

Now, I CAN be social myself, but last time I took a personality profile (for real, EG, not an online joke test), I was 95% introvert. Most people are just... BORING to me.
But if you can't get past the Boring part, you'll never find the beautiful few who can be real friends.

In my situation? Dad was a rocket scientist who went on to make an industry of fire and explosions. Mom was a Prima Ballerina on the stage at Lincoln center.
Both college degrees, dad a Master's.
Me, i'm the black sheep (sort of, my sister's worse...) - I have nothing major accomplished, and I refuse to accept the "who you know" paradigm, over "what you know, and how well you execute it."
Meritocracy for me.  No oligarchy BS, no crony capitalist BS, no "old boy's club."  I can make nice when I need to, but I believe in going on the warpath, too - so I'll probably never be management.  ;-)

I've got on average 10 IQ points over most people, sometimes 20-30. (Those are for NORMAL people, mind.)
You may be in the same range. I grew up talking to lawyers, PhD chemists, engineers, and PhDs of other sorts. Inteiilgent, educated, articulate people.
These days, those types of people, especially REFINED people, are in SHORT supply. Raunch culture has taken over, and even the geeks are dense, anti- or a-social....   Not much culture left in the USA. And if you have actual opinions, and can argue positions? TIME magazine is NOT my news source - so I can't "discuss that article." But I can tell you the sources Time used, and the counterpoints on both sides.  If you are like that? I'm sorry, it's going to be a long, tough road. Look into MENSA, look into other things, like Improv classes (Boston has the Asylum, for example.) 

You can't change other people; you'll need to change YOU to interact with other people. You may need to drop down to their level - some people are just dense, or unfriendly.
But you can make for pleaseant (or at least, less-unpleasant) exchanges with them.

One other thing - get things going in your own life. find clubs and activities, so you have something to talk about. E.G., meditation; yoga; philosophy; book of the month club; Red Hats (You might need to google that one, it's a bunch of women who go out as a group for a monthly lunch.) Cancer/Juvenile Diabetes/ Jimmy Fund / Etc volunteering.
And be ready to talk about other people.  ;-)  You can people-watch and make comments from that, and if you learn to make it funny? you'll have people who want to hang out with you.

Don't misunderstand, it's not EASY.
But I understand where you're coming from, and these are steps I have taken / am working on, purely to improve WHO I AM. And it's not a gendered thing at this level - to become socially competent, you need to start from the "I am an egg." level (reference to "Stranger in a Strange Land" by Heinlein - good read. That's what the main character said whenever he was confronted with something he didn't yet understand. "I am an egg." = "I still have a lot to learn." Equivalent to Bruce Lee's story, "Empty your cup."  In order to put something new in there, you can't have it already full.)