Should I give up on denying it?

[Avinia]

Seriously, was kind of trying to just be a somewhat normal guy, mostly so my parents wouldn't get negative attention from the community around me for having a son who would rather be a woman... So I withdrew myself completely from this stuff for as long as I could, everything was going fine, then a dream has brought me back here.

First dream like this actually, where I didn't want to wake up because it was amazing. In this dream I was of course, a transsexual woman, I even recognized it in the dream, however I seemed to be post-op, out of the closet, and just happy. Didn't see any of my family in the dream, but they are never in my dreams anyways..

This wouldn't freak me out so much, but usually my dreams seem to have some kind of meaning.. or I am just insane.. Either way this has bothered me all day.

So I guess to some degree I have been denying that I am, in fact, transsexual. I think I started to deny it around the time I decided to attempt to convert to Catholicism, but I felt extremely guilty when I started the meetings with the priest, so I stopped going. But I think now, I was less afraid of me being accepted, and more afraid that it would reflect my parents badly, especially since so many people have commented on how well my parents raised me. So I guess I am afraid of disappointing my parents..

But at the same time, I don't know how I would disappoint my parents, sure I am pretty much willing to "mutilate" my genitalia(according to most Christians), but I think I would actually make my parents happy, knowing they raised someone who can accept people for being different or whatever..

Honestly, I don't know if I am going to be brave enough to see a therapist before I graduate high school, probably would be able to if my parents ever ask about my mental state again(at that point I figure there is no point in denying it), but I am so worried about their response I can't just make myself ask to see a therapist..

I guess another thing I am worried about, is the fact that I will never be able to provide grandchildren for my parents.. Then again, I probably could never force myself to attempt to have biological kids as a male, because I hate the idea of it.. though I also would still love to have kids(probably would end up adopting, or something).

Yeah... I am really doubting I can ever be truly happy in trying to live the rest of my life as a male, especially since I guess I have kind of already lied to myself, and it does bother me constantly that I am stuck in the wrong body, literally to the point that I am not very happy anymore, one of the few things that makes me happy anymore is my music. Literally, I get so upset realizing that at this moment I can't act or dress the way I want due to the fact that to the world, I am a male.

This also seems to be hurting my relationship with my parents, mostly due to the fact that I really want to tell my parents about all these amazing people I have read about, or all the other stuff I want to, but can't, because it is mostly related to transsexual stuff and I am still afraid of them knowing... or mostly having to tell them that one of their sons, is in fact their daughter.

This is mostly just a post about my thoughts these past weeks.. or however long it has been since my last post(horrible memory when it comes to time).... I seriously hope my mom asks about my mental state so I can just tell her what is really bothering me.

[sam79]

Hi Avinia.

The first thing I'll say is, you have time. You're young, seem to be pretty level, and while maybe not in great shape, you don't seem to be at risk for the moment. So please don't put any more pressure on yourself .

By your own words, you're starting to see how far mental anguish ( regardless of cause ) can reach. And it's not great if you can already see issues in your relationship with your parents. I think the best thing you can do is find someone to talk to. Do you have any councillors available through your school which you could perhaps talk to? If not, do you have the opportunity to find a councillor outside of your school? I understand that talking to your parents before you have the support of someone else can be tricky, especially when you're a dependent under their care.

You may also find that just trying to find a professional to talk to can even help. The sense of action can be quite powerful. And, you've got a huge family of support here.

xx

[Clhoe G]

a lot of people here would say if they could go back in time n just go for it without worrying about what people think, they would, ether way it is probably really responsible to yourself to speak a therapist about it.
I say it a lot n I can't stress it enough, you need to do what's best for you at the end of the day.
Bottling things up does nothing at the end of the day believe me.
You've already taken a big step here n shared so much, so I think you would go really well with a therapist.

[katrinaw]

Fully agree with Clhoe G and SammyRose

I have put off, hidden and run scared of telling people who I really am and what people would think, all the time thinking the feelings would pass over all those years... I have wasted the best time of my life not being who I am.

Worse is that at a late time in life I am about to wreck more lives now than I would have so many years ago..

Do get some good advice, someone to share your thoughts and emotions with... whatever you decide good luck 

L Katy

[Emmaline]

Life is short.  Live, or exist.

[Lostkitten]

Don't worry to much about denying or accepting it. Just live your life and take small steps ahead.

It is clear you have a wish. You want to be a woman. But is it just that? What does it mean to you to be a woman, what would there have to change for you to be seen as a woman? Just your body, or also your clothes? Do you like wearing make-up? Do you feel annoyed by the way you sit/stand but feel like you have to and/or even behave differently because you think you should be seen as a guy?

Before worrying too much about taking huge life taking changes, think about what exactly you want to change. What are the big changes, and what are the small ones? Try to see which changes you can already do, and work your way towards it. Along the way you will figure out your way and feel if this is what makes you happy. If yes, then you are already heaps ahead from where you stand now and if not you can just turn it back ^^.

[Laurette Mohr]

 While I'm new to Susan's I'm not new to these feelings and I'm 43. I began having them at the tender age of 5. They NEVER go away no matter how much you try. You can think you can but your inner yolk won't be denied.

Love You
Laurette

[arimoose]

i am 52. my grandparents are all gone, but my parents are still alive. at age 40 I said to myself, i am not getting any younger, this is my life, and i am not ever going to conform to what they assumed, so i made up my mind to find a way to fix my problem. i told my father when i was 15, mind you this was back in the 70s, but i didnt have the terminology and no one else did either, so i was summarily dissmissed. i had run away from home three years in a row, after being a straight A student, and no one could understand why. i thought once i got out that everyone else in the world would just see me for who and what i was, and being niave and pretty stupid i found out that was wrong. but once you hit middle age you have realize a lot of things, one, you cant go through your entire life basically alone, suffering, and being treated improperly, you cant go through menopause, in my case, basically living your entire youth, in a state of non-being, so to speak. i found out that there is a diagnosis, there is a treatment, and there is a whole world out there. my parents are now in their 70s, and i dont see them often enough that i cant fake it in front of them. frankly, they couldnt get me adequate help when i really needed it, so whether they deserve it or not, since this wasnt a well researched issue at that time it really isnt anyones fault, exactly....anyway, i can live my life comfortable, grounded, and happy now. i truly feel that young people these days are so incredibly fortunate to be able to express themselves and get the help they need. dont wait, do it. sorry for the lack of good punctuation, this keyboard is hard to use.

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[arimoose]

one more note, i did finally just tell my mother about a month ago. first, i told her, hey, this is why my entire life has been so weird, and this is why i put you two through so much grief. it wasnt anyones fault, it is just how i was born. and having worked for community mental health for many years and reflecting on everything i went through and put them through, she said, simply, okay. lol   but dont ever say this to dad. so fine, no problem. but shes intelligent, and she can see it clearly. not that weve discussed it in detail, but i know it actually soothes her mind about me and about all my teenage behaviour, and i know she truly does deep inside see it all. she is 74.

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[Jessica Merriman]

If you do not at least speak with a Therapist this will haunt you forever. Don't take that awful chance.

[Seras]

Denying didn't work for me and I tried for quite some time. What a waste of time that was...

[LizMarie]

I'm just going to leave you with a few thoughts I've left in my "Transitioning Thoughts For Today" thread elsewhere.

"Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway." - Earl Nightingale

"If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place." - Nora Roberts

"One day, you will wake up and there won't be any more time to do the things you've always wanted. Do it now." - Paul Coehlo

Look at those three and think about them. I'm one of those that, if I had the chance, I'd go back and transition far earlier.

[Tori]

Transition by its very definition is a process. If you are not transitioning you are not in that process. If you have transitioned, you have completed the process.

Some people get addicted to their transition and when it is all done, they become depressed again because they discover anew that life still sucks no matter what plumbing they have.

Life can be one continuous transition if you choose.

My point? Denial blocks the process and that leads to dysphoria which we all know a thing of two about. There are ways for some people to temporarily alleviate dysphoria without hormones and that usually involves taking steps in the transition process. Not everybody has to present as female to lift their dysphoria.

Things like, therapy, self acceptance, a friend you can talk to all can go a long way towards reducing dysphoria AND they mean you ARE transitioning. Growing your hair out, lengthening your fingernails, practicing your voice, your walk, the feminine arts like makeup and clothing can also help but they are more noticeable.

Some parts of transition happen so slowly and subtly that people around you won't even notice and yet, you will know. Anything you can do to appease that grey thing between your ears and inside your cranium will help.

I tried to wait, and when it became obvious to me that I would have to transition at some point if I wished to remain among the living, I tried to wait until my parents passed away. That didn't work. I tried to end my own life. That too, didn't work.

So, I started to transition. Hormones lifted my dysphoria. I came out to everyone. My parents accepted so quickly I was ashamed I didn't tell them sooner.

Not everyone is so lucky.

I do advise, if you seek therapy or any kind of councilor, that you go outside your church simply because church council may not be certified to provide help and therefore it may not be truly confidential. I do think you'll be surprised that many people respond very positively to your transition if and or when you decide to proceed.

Contact the LGBT centers near you. They can provide advice, support and resources.

Good luck.

Aloha,
Tori

[LizMarie]

As Tori notes, transition is a process. And it can be addictive to trans people precisely because we may have just existed so much of our lives. Suddenly we are setting goals and then seeing those goals met, then more goals, and more goals met.

One thing that a friend who has transitioned (and is living life now) told me was to set goals after transition. Did you always want to learn ballroom dancing? Go do that! Did you want to climb Mt. Rainier? Go do that! Visit Paris? Go do that!

In other words, find new goals that are a natural expression of your new life.

[Luna Star]

Heh,dreams showed me the same thing they showed you. It took me 1.5 years to accept this and I am still in the early stages of transitioning.But my parents and friends know. Give yourself enough time and prepare to tell them (after a counselor or if you know their reaction won't be that bad). Don't deny the obvious darling, it only shows your stubborness and how close minded someone is. Instead be brave... and choose to live YOUR life instead of  the life of a full time "actor" for others their benifit

[Avinia]

Thanks for the nice replies, one thing I do like about this website is I can post without worrying about trolls.

I am home schooled by the way, so no school counselors for me, one of the reasons I have been thinking about waiting until college.

For transitioning, I guess I have been thinking I have to tell my parents before I can actually "start" or something. But I guess to some degree I have kind of started already, I have about shoulder length hair now, and slightly changed some mannerisms or whatever they are called. The hair just for whatever reason got a lot of my cousins and friends to say some negative things, mannerisms I guess I went too far at first and one of my cousins questioned my gender identity(now most of my cousins think I act like a gay male)...

I guess to sort of start my transition I have just been copying what my favorite band does, in a less feminine way so I don't attract negative attention(the band is a group of 6 sisters).

I had something kind of positive today. I have been wanting to wear my hair in a pony tail type of thing, since I like the way I look with it, but I was a bit afraid of actually doing it. My older brother ended up forcing me to wear my hair in a pony tail, and told me I look good with it, my parents agreed, so I wore my hair like that for a bit(really helped to not have my hair in my face during violin practice). Only negative thing, was kind of expected, my younger brother told me to get the hair tie out of my hair, and then said something about what he would do if he sees me like that again.. I think he is more worried about his friends seeing me.

I don't really have to worry about seeking help from a church, I mostly stopped going to church now, I think I really only want to go on Christmas and some of the other holidays, at least for now.

I guess what I consider transitioning though, is mostly just HRT.. I don't really know about SRS, if I would ever actually do that.. But that is far off from now, my main goal right now is to find a time to come out to my parents(I feel they deserve to know), and start therapy in hopes of getting HRT. Not sure how I will come out to my parents, still kind of hoping they will question me about my feelings.

[lilangel]

I was in your position about 6 or so months ago. I was already out as gay but then I tried to come out to them as trans. Although they were extremely accepting towards gays, they weren't so much with my trans identity. They honestly had a super hard time with it and my mom is a christian and told me that "God made me this way for a reason" and all of this bull->-bleeped-<- nonsense. The more and more I tried to educate them on it the more informed they were and more accepting of me transitioning. Currently they are now both very accepting towards it (although they do have some worries still, which is typical) but I thought I was going to die 6 months ago with the amount of negativity I got from them. Now everything is so much better! I love how my parents are starting to see my situation and now the whole family knows because my dad worked up enough courage to tell them (which didn't come as a shock to them).

[Avinia]

Hmm...

Well, I still kind of find it weird that I am finding it so hard to tell my parents, I remembered I am technically out to two of my friends(came out about a year and a half ago, both being accepting). Also told two of my cousins that I "Think I am a girl" last year, they just acted confused, but it was the truth at the time, and the only reason I told them was because they asked me about my sexuality and said they were okay with whatever answer I gave them if I wanted to talk about it.

Back to present time, weird day. Pretty weird that it felt nothing like Thanksgiving even though my uncle, his girlfriend(not sure if they are dating at this moment, but they have been dating off and on for years now, and they are kind of like a family or really good friends), and his girlfriend's daughter came to my house, and my older brother was here. Besides that, I finally played my guitar in front of other people, mostly because my uncle's girlfriend talked to me about how good I sounded, and that boosted my confidence enough to play in front of everyone.

The gender stuff bothered me a bit today before my uncle and peoples left, but it really bothered me after. My mom found a dress on Pinterest and said something like "Oh this dress is nice, it would be perfect for you... if you were a girl." That caught me off guard and made me feel super uncomfortable, I changed the subject over to one of the chihuahuas.. probably seeming a bit awkward thinking about it now. Another comment made this morning by my mom was something like "Your hair looks pretty." also making me uncomfortable since I have never had someone other than me use words like that to describe me.

There were other small comments which I forgot mostly, and other things that made me a bit uncomfortable.. but yeah, today was pretty uncomfortable for me.

Now... I still do wonder if my mom sort of knows something is up with my gender identity, due to the fact that those comments were a bit weird for her, she has caught me doing feminine things when I was younger, including catching me with female clothes in my room years ago.. Also adding in that it has to be pretty obvious something is up with me due to the fact that multiple people not in my immediate family have asked about my gender identity, or labelled me as gay.

Oh yeah, forgot, I also got extremely uncomfortable when my older brother officially announced that him and his wife are having a baby, everyone went on to comment about how the baby was going to have me and my other brothers and uncles.. If you can't tell I really hate being referred to by pretty much anything that implies I am a male, but I can't say anything against it due to the fact that I am not out to my family.

Thought a bit about transitioning as well, think when I do eventually come out and start therapy, I will ask people to not change my pronouns or call me by a different name until I start HRT, I would like a gradual change, I hate sudden big changes... It also sort of gives people time to adjust and take it all in I guess.

Hmm... Back to my mom possibly knowing, I wouldn't be surprised if she did and has been trying to get me to come out to her, because I am pretty sure either her or my older brother have seen this page bookmarked on my computer, or my mom possibly has noticed transgender related webpages on my phone when I let her use it before... Or she could have heard it from my friend's mom who read the email I sent to my friend ages ago...

[lightertouch]

First of all, if it is at all possible to see a therapist before coming out to your parents then do so just so you are sure of yourself.  It is likely that, like most of us here, if you have been bitten by this bug, there is no escape.

I started out life very religious.  I then married a wonderful woman who I told about my little problem.  She was generally cool about it but said that if I ever did transition, she'd have to leave me.

Three years into my marriage, I felt like I needed to transition... time was ticking by.  But every time I started to go in that direction, my attachment to her was so powerful that it hurt us both tremendously.  So I dove into fundamentalism and tried for the next 20 years to make "this" go away.

I spent a great deal of time and energy in learning the scriptures to find the secret of curing myself.  I put in honest effort and learned quite a bit.  But after all of my work, I found that "this" just doesn't go away.

Then my health issues arrived as I got older.  The internet appeared and gave me a resource to find answers for my health issues.  I started to suspect I might have a pattern indicating an intersex condition.  I explored this with my doctor and the specialists she sent me to.

Once I understood that, yes, I was born intersex, I had to ask myself: why I was fighting this?  Every dream and aspiration in life since early childhood was to be a woman.  I felt that I was not living, presenting as a male.  With my femininity present within my own body, I finally understood that God made me this way.

Hormones were medically indicated but it wasn't testosterone I was going to take!  It took me months to work up the courage.  Once I did, I was able to start estrogen.  The changes, even at my age, were immediate and amazing.  My dreams were starting to be realized.

I have paid a tremendous price for my actions.  My beloved wife is now my ex.  Some people don't talk to me.  The first year was one of the hardest years of my life... but I have finally become me.  I am so happy: I have started to live my life.  And the nervousness goes away once you discover who you really are.

Don't wait until middle-age or older to be the change you need, like I did.  It gets easier as you go.  The physical effects of hormones can't wait, especially if you are younger.  Look inside yourself and you'll know if you are a woman.  Be willing to pay the price and anticipate what's likely to happen in your situation.  Losing my spouse was a huge emotional and financial blow for me; but I've gotten much good in return.  I know that for me, staying male would have killed me.  Only you can know what is right for you.

All the best for your journey!

[Seras]

Hmm...

Well, I still kind of find it weird that I am finding it so hard to tell my parents, ... ...

Hmm... Back to my mom possibly knowing, I wouldn't be surprised if she did and has been trying to get me to come out to her, because I am pretty sure either her or my older brother have seen this page bookmarked on my computer, or my mom possibly has noticed transgender related webpages on my phone when I let her use it before... Or she could have heard it from my friend's mom who read the email I sent to my friend ages ago...

It isn't that weird. It is something very hard to talk about. If you are anything like me you will have known from quite young that something was up and been hiding it for years. It is perfectly normal that after keeping up a front for so long it is hard to take it down. I was very lucky, my mum knew something was up although she didn't know what it was. She forced me to come out to her and it was great she did or I may never have managed. Despite, that I thought about telling people every day.

Is there any reason you think your mother won't be accepting? I agree with you. It sounds like she is trying to get you to tell her, from what you type.

How does Auntie Avinia sound lol