I'm at a crossroads...

[Balerie]

Approximately 2 years ago I was diagnosed as 47XXY by my urologist after consenting to a genetics test. Previously I was cross-dressing though somehow I felt it was more than just the clothing. My urologist told me that my feelings and my cross-dressing was normal given my XXY status but that nothing would change who I am. Now that I know the truth of why I am how I am, it has woken up my female side to the extent that I feel like she is overpowering me. While I am happy with my male life to an extent, I feel like my female side has been lacking. I feel as if a side of me never got the chance to live and be free. I've spent my youth praying I would wake up female while feeling guilty about my cross-dressing due to religion and the machismo that ruled my home during my upbringing.

After my diagnosis I talked with my brother and sister who are both supportive.  They suggested I find a therapist to help me work this out.  I started with one on a weekly basis but had to drop her because the expense was too much for me at the time.  Next month I'm planning on returning to therapy on a monthly basis to help keep my costs down.  My problems are just beginning and I'm not sure where they will go. I'm married and I find myself in a situation where my wife is not tolerant of what's happening even though I told her of my cross-dressing prior to us getting married. Perhaps this is a bit more than cross-dressing but I feel sort of betrayed.  My wife believes that this is crazy thinking that is partially my crazy ideas and those of my therapist (she doesn't believe in therapists). She has decided she wants to know nothing about any of this. She does not want to hear about it.

Currently I'm taking Testosterone, as per my urologist, to increase my levels because it will help prevent osteoporosis but the changes it has brought has increased my dysphoria. The increase in body hair is something that personally bothers me. My intersex brain's female side has been pushing me towards taking estrogen. The thought has been there for a while but I recently have seriously considered it not because I want to transition to female fully but because i want to be a part-time woman. I want to feminize my body to a point where I can remain stealth; male at work and at other times female with maybe some curves to help along the way.

I'm planning to tell my therapist and my urologist that I'd like to take low doses of estrogen. I will also be asking my urologist the possibility of replacing the testosterone with the twice a month calcium pills giving to women for the same reason. I know it's not going to be immediate and I need to lose at least a hundred pounds plus to be at a better weight overall besides whatever other requirements may be needed but this is my plan so far.

Does anyone know if any of this is possible? Am I making too much of this? Are there any suggestions to prepare for HRT?  Sorry about the long rant but I'm pretty confused about all of this too.

[JulieBlair]

Yes, It is possible but your weight makes things more problematic.  Estrogen increases the chance of deep vein thrombosis which combined with obesity can be life threatening.  Work with your doctor, endocrinologist and therapist.  Please include your wife in the discussion.  She may never reconcile to even low dose therapy, but lack of knowledge and inclusion will almost certainly lead to misunderstanding, anger, and retaliation.

Luck and Love,
Julie

[Balerie]

Thanks for the advice, Julie.  I have not been serious about my weight loss in the past and I think it's because I used it as a shield to hide my true self and keep those feelings at bay even from myself. My sister told me that she thought that was my case and it makes sense though I've also been known to binge when I'm depressed.  I have made a personal decision and effort to stop sabotaging myself and start shedding the pounds.  If I don't, I doubt I'll ever get approved to start HRT and the thought of lost time is already bad enough. 

As far as my wife, I don't know how to bridge the gap. She's open-minded for some things and closed-minded for others. She's really opposed to anything that has to do with LGBT and that is something I've seen is similar with her family; they all think alike. It's one of the hard parts about being in the closet. You hear all the stupid comments from ignorant people who would rather exile their own family members away forever instead of embracing who they are. As far as she's concerned, what I have is an obsession and all I need is to concentrate/work on other things and I'll forget the silliness. I can't keep putting all this in a box and dropping it. It's made me what I am now - overweight, depressed at times, and spiraling deeper into dealing with my female side. She knows my XXY status yet to her this is me and my brain obsessing over silly thoughts.

I guess I've come to the point where I'm not waiting for permission or an acknowledgement from her anymore. I'm just going to follow my heart and soul and move through this one step at a time alone. Even with all this talk, I might still flake out...but I have to try.