Being " not trans enough"

[GrayBaby]

**Possibly some triggering things here**

Since I'm non binary, I get some pretty off putting responses from people at times. From other trans people. Which is pretty upsetting to say the least. Not everyone does, but some people give me a hard time. Such as, "so wait what are you a guy or a girl? " "Why do you want top surgery but not bottom surgery" "so you aren't actually trans? I mean you don't want hormones or to be called a guy you can't just pick parts of being trans" It goes on. Since I'm posting in a forum I kept the language civil but I get nasty language in a lot of those comments irl. How do you, if you've experienced this, deal with it? I find easier to ignore the ignorant straight cisgendered people but when it's people who are supposed to be part of the same community, other trans people, that's when it bothers me.

[Jill F]

We don't do "more trans than thou" here at Susan's.  Anyone who does is in violation of ToS. 

[mrs izzy]

Happens a lot for so many under the umbrella.

Have to be a better person then they will be.

It i feel makes us stronger in the end.

Hugs

[Athena]

You need to do what you need for you, not anyone else who might try to tell you what you need to do.

Be yourself not what others would make you.

[GrayBaby]

We don't do "more trans than thou" here at Susan's.  Anyone who does is in violation of ToS.

That's good to know. I'm new here so I was wondering if there was a policy against it. Makes me feel a lot more comfortable.

[GrayBaby]

You need to do what you need for you, not anyone else who might try to tell you what you need to do.

Be yourself not what others would make you.

I'll keep that in mind. I'm quite happy to see how supportive people here are.

[PinkCloud]

It's mostly based on (educated) ignorance. Sometime malicious, sometime harmless and simply educated ignorance. Depending on which it is, you could reeducate them on the spot. When I just started, I was asked plenty of times if I was a she male. I corrected the educated ignorance and explained what that term means and that it does not apply to being trans*. One soul at a time...

[Beth Andrea]

You don't need to justify anything about yourself to anyone else. If they ask too personal of a question, just tell them that discussion of that subject is not open for debate or discussion. Period.

Remind them that gender exists on a spectrum, just as is hair color, intelligence, sexual orientation...everything about humans is on a spectrum.

[helen2010]

**Possibly some triggering things here**

Since I'm non binary, I get some pretty off putting responses from people at times. From other trans people. Which is pretty upsetting to say the least. Not everyone does, but some people give me a hard time. Such as, "so wait what are you a guy or a girl? " "Why do you want top surgery but not bottom surgery" "so you aren't actually trans? I mean you don't want hormones or to be called a guy you can't just pick parts of being trans" It goes on. Since I'm posting in a forum I kept the language civil but I get nasty language in a lot of those comments irl. How do you, if you've experienced this, deal with it? I find easier to ignore the ignorant straight cisgendered people but when it's people who are supposed to be part of the same community, other trans people, that's when it bothers me.

Gray Baby

It is unfortunately often the case that folk will invalidate you, either consciously or unconsciously.  Lateral violence is abhorrent but unfortunately occurs far too often.  An apparently innocent remark or an off handed comment to a non binary can be intensely confronting and triggering.  My only advice is to focus on who you are and stay focused on your journey.  At the end of the day the only person who should be concerned as to your choices and direction should be you.  Best response is to ignore and to avoid confrontation.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Balerie]

People are can be very insensitive about what it means to be trans. There is no one right way to be trans. Trans persons are a wide mosaic not just one decided stereotype. Don't let closed minded people trigger you or make you uncomfortable. You can correct them or tell them it's non of their business. People need to realize that we make different choices but that does not make us more or less trans. 

[adrian]

Hey,

I'm sorry this happened! I personally don't believe in binaries, I believe in spectrums. And there is no such thing as (not) trans enough.

[big kim]

I*'m not trans enough,I go to the punk festival,listen to punk,metal  & rock,hardly ever wear make up,don't wear heels or dresses,don't colour my hair,like classic bikes & muscle cars,sometimes shoot pool,don't like gay bars(or any other)l.All stuff I shouldn't be doing

[Asche]

It's easy to say, don't worry about what other people think, what matters is how you see yourself.

But we humans are social creatures.  We are not as separate as USA-an individualism would like to think we are (cf.: John Donne's "No man is an island", which BTW I read at our TDOR last Saturday.)  How others see us diffuses into how we see ourselves.  We exist to the extent others recognize that we exist (remember Doc Daneeka in Catch-22?)  To invalidate who someone is is an act of violence; an act of soul-violence, but just as deadly as physical violence.  That's why living in the closet is so destructive, and why people feel compelled to show the world who they really are, even if it gets them killed (literally or figuratively.)

We are the mirrors of one another's souls.  It is vital for our survival that we be willing to see one another for who they are, not for who it would make us more comfortable for them to be.

[Kimberley Beauregard]

There's no such thing as "not trans enough".

[Devlyn]

Great news everyone! I just ran "not trans enough" through The Universal Translator and that sucker melted down! 

[suzifrommd]

How do you, if you've experienced this, deal with it?

Great question, GB.

I'm an educator. My job is to educate people. I fall back on that when I encounter ignorance.

When I see the attitude you're describing, I try to get people to understand a few basic facts:
* There is no right way or wrong way to be trans
* Everyone experiences being transgender in a slightly different way.
* Being non-binary does not disqualify us from ANY of the interventions and transformations that help binary folk. We are just as entitled to surgeries, hormones, or social transition as any other trans people.

[Dread_Faery]

There is a current growing within the trans* community that trans* people are simply 'born that way' which sadly opens a back door to essentialist narratives of the right kind and wrong kind of trans. Sadly as non-binary and genderqueer individuals don't fit the accepted narrative of trans as defined by the cistem; stuff like being trans means you have to transition, often to the opposite gender; you always have strong physical dysphoria related to your genital configuration and secondary sex characteristics; you have to know from a very young age, etc, etc, etc. Basically all the tired old tropes that get trotted out when ever mainstream media does a trans story.

Because the cistem views these as truths, many trans* folk do, to the point where many folk who definitely aren't cis don't identify as transgender because their narrative doesn't fit the narrative transgender has come to represent. It is an act of violence by an oppressive cistem to validate certain narratives of trans* existence as acceptable - not valid, because trans* lives are always less valid than cis - and trans folk who parrot those views are merely instruments of that violence. The limited acceptance of some trans narratives, means that it can be hard for people to acknowledge other narratives because by doing so, it shows how meagre and limited the acceptance is of the 'acceptable' narratives.

Sadly these acts of violence from the cistem can be hard to counter, by granting a few crumbs of superficial acceptance to one disenfranchised group, the cistem has primed them to perpetuate the very thing that disenfranchises them in the first place. Intersectional feminism however is a great place to start and can help you navigate and to try and educate individuals - though you are under no obligation to have to educate anyone you don't want to. In fact, if you need to carefully explain your lived experiences and why they are valid to someone for them to respect you identity and life, then they really don't respect you and probably have no desire to.

[ThePhoenix]

I recently (Monday night) gave a presentation on trans* cultural competence to the local county human rights commission.  I explained non-binary in this way:

"In the realm of sexual orientation, we see that people's can be attracted to the same sex, the opposite sex, both, or neither.  So in the realm of gender identity, it is unsurprising that we also see people identify with the same gender they were assigned at birth, or the opposite, or both, or neither."

The idea of non-binary is hard for most people to wrap their minds around.  It's even hard for me as a trans* person who spends umpteen bazillion hours with non-binary folks.  But that's no excuse for treating the non-binary part of our community as "less than" or "other."  What it does show is that sometimes the most important group of people to educate and the most important recipients of advocacy about trans* people are . . . other trans* people. 

My personal belief is that non-binary identities are the overwhelming majority of our community, but that people don't understand or feel comfortable enough with the idea to express or recognize it.  I certainly cannot know what happens in another person's head.  But I can see a lot of how people express their identities.  The example of a trans woman whose behavior and expression is extremely masculine comes to mind.  Or a trans man whose behavior and expression are extremely effeminate.  We've probably all seen people like that who insist their gender identity is very binary.  But the gender expression doesn't seem to match what they say about their identity.  The expression seems very non-binary, which makes me wonder whether the underlying identity is really so binary.  I don't know a way to test that, but I strongly suspect that this shows non-binary to be a majority in our community. 

No one is safe from the "not trans* enough" thing.  It is an unfortunate part of our community.  My own history was: (1) not trans* enough because I looked androgynous while presenting male; (2) not trans* enough because I didn't spend enough time at bars with drag performers and crossdressers; and (3) not trans* enough because I started seeming too much like a ciswoman. 

So . . . you're not alone.  Everyone is "not trans* enough" to someone. 

[Asche]

Sadly these acts of violence from the cistem can be hard to counter, [ because ] by granting a few crumbs of superficial acceptance to one disenfranchised group, the cistem has primed them to perpetuate the very thing that disenfranchises them in the first place.

QFT

This is a tactic that's used all over the place.  The "good" blacks vs. "thugs".   The "moderate"  feminist (e.g., Sarah Palin) vs. the "bra-burner."

[JulieBlair]

QFT

This is a tactic that's used all over the place.  The "good" blacks vs. "thugs".   The "moderate"  feminist (e.g., Sarah Palin) vs. the "bra-burner."

Sarah Palin as a feminist???  Pleeeaaaaase