Clerical Error

[Foxglove]

Hi, Everybody!

I'd like to describe something that I feel fairly often.  I'm wondering if anybody else has similar feelings sometimes, or is it just me?

I often feel somewhat unreal.  The reason for this is that ->-bleeped-<- often feels somewhat unreal.  That is, I wonder, "How could this be happening to me?  How could this have happened?"

Being transgender seems like such a stupid mistake.  If you've got a male body, you're supposed to have a male psychology.  If you've got a female body, you're supposed to have a female psychology.  In fact, that's the way it works in the overwhelming majority of cases.

So what went wrong with me?  It seems like such an incredible mistake.  Somebody really screwed up.  And who would that have been? Who's responsible for this?

Because it seems like such a basic, simple mistake, it seems like it would be something basic and simple to fix.  There should be somebody you could see and get it taken care of.  You just go to the proper office, they pull out your file and then, "Hmm.  Yes, you're right.  Just a clerical error.  Sorry about that.  We'll have it sorted out by this time next week."  And away you go, everything's put right, and you're happy.

Or it was a mistake in the manufacturing process.  You get recalled to the factory, they make a few (minor) adjustments, and everything's OK.

Of course, it's not actually something basic and simple to fix.  At the end of the day, I'm never going to be what I really want and need to be.  So there's this disconnect between my intellectual understanding of the problem and my emotional grasp of it.  On the one hand, it seems like nothing at all.  On the other hand, it's an unsurmountable dilemma.  Hence the extreme frustration I often feel.  What seems like easy to remedy cannot in fact be remedied at all--at least not to the extent I'd like it to be.

So does anybody else ever have similar feelings, or is it just me?

Best wishes,
Foxglove

[Brenda E]

Same feelings here.  It's such a rare condition (I think?) that it seems awfully unlikely, from a statistical standpoint, that I often say to myself, "How can this be happening?"  It seems so . . . strange and improbable, to such an extent that I constantly catch myself wondering whether I'm just mistaken, that these feelings are really something else or nothing at all.

But rare things do happen.  I just thank my lucky stars that I'm trans, because there's plenty of far worse and equally unlikely things that could have happened (and do happen to people every day): being murdered in a convenience store robbery, for example, or being diagnosed with a rare form of incurable cancer.

But yeah, it's one of those things that I'll never quite get used to.  Seems like such a fundamental, basic mistake that really shouldn't be made.  Guys are guys, girls are girls - I thought biology would have figured out how to get that right 100% of the time after all these millions of years...

[Destiny Marie]

Yes I do. This is what makes it so hard, some days I fell like I am such a freak of nature and I should just be happy as I am, but then the feelings of being wrong come back and I crash and burn. My wife says that I should be able to just turn it off and be happy with the life that I have with her and my kids. I tried to explain it to her yesterday that if is that easy for me to turn it off then I should be no problem for You and others to just accept trans people and be ok with the changes we want ( need ) to make to feel better about ourselves.

I just wish that I could go to bed and wake up and be correct one gender or the other.

Sorry for rambeling.

[Alexis2107]

Hi, Everybody!

Hello Foxglove

I'd like to describe something that I feel fairly often.  I'm wondering if anybody else has similar feelings sometimes, or is it just me?

I often feel somewhat unreal.  The reason for this is that ->-bleeped-<- often feels somewhat unreal.  That is, I wonder, "How could this be happening to me?  How could this have happened?"

Being transgender seems like such a stupid mistake.  If you've got a male body, you're supposed to have a male psychology.  If you've got a female body, you're supposed to have a female psychology.  In fact, that's the way it works in the overwhelming majority of cases.

Not always true about the psychology, or transgender wouldn't exist.  I kinda sort of wanted to know what my issues were, and it came out I had klinefelters.  Chromosomes yxx.  Basically my psychology is female whereas my body bits are male.  Not every trans gender women have this, there are other conditions either known or unknown that triggers gender gender dysphoria. 

So what went wrong with me?  It seems like such an incredible mistake.  Somebody really screwed up.  And who would that have been? Who's responsible for this?

Because it seems like such a basic, simple mistake, it seems like it would be something basic and simple to fix.  There should be somebody you could see and get it taken care of.  You just go to the proper office, they pull out your file and then, "Hmm.  Yes, you're right.  Just a clerical error.  Sorry about that.  We'll have it sorted out by this time next week."  And away you go, everything's put right, and you're happy.

Or it was a mistake in the manufacturing process.  You get recalled to the factory, they make a few (minor) adjustments, and everything's OK.

Bingo... manufacturing mistake... wish it was as simple as getting recalled and sent back... I feel myself I got robbed of womanhood from the start... growing up as a child, teens, 20s... the prime time for a woman's life.

Of course, it's not actually something basic and simple to fix.  At the end of the day, I'm never going to be what I really want and need to be.  So there's this disconnect between my intellectual understanding of the problem and my emotional grasp of it.  On the one hand, it seems like nothing at all.  On the other hand, it's an unsurmountable dilemma.  Hence the extreme frustration I often feel.  What seems like easy to remedy cannot in fact be remedied at all--at least not to the extent I'd like it to be.

So does anybody else ever have similar feelings, or is it just me?

Best wishes,
Foxglove

If you haven't, should start with a therapist.  They are sort of like your guide in helping you where you want to go from here.  Start hormones through to having SRS.  It's a long, drawn out process and many lose family over it... some retain family.  Just remember, it's your life, you're the one living it, nobody else is.  Take care!! <3

Lexi

[suzifrommd]

Foxglove, I think we're not an error. If we were bad for the species, natural selection would have taken us out of the equation thousands of years ago.

We are vital for the human community. We help humanity understand the difference between the genders. We deliver wisdom, gained from seeing life from both sides of the gender divide, that no one else has.

We're not an error. We're here because we're needed.

[LizMarie]

Don't over-analyze yourself. You cannot change what you are. You need to accept that first. I know one person who has so agonized over this topic that she has dived so deeply into whys and wherefores that she recently wrote a blog entry about having faith in faith and what did that mean? She's been gently and repeatedly told to stop over-analyzing this yet she'd rather be miserable and mired in philosophic circles, than to take the leap and try to be herself. I stopped replying to her (elsewhere) because she refuses to listen to anyone except her own tail-chasing rationalizations.

It's nice to know the medical theory behind this. In one sense it gives a bit of intellectual closure. But at the end of the day, that still doesn't solve a single damned thing.

My advice? Take a deep breath, stop worrying about why, and just be yourself.

[Dierdre Lenore]

Foxglove, I think we're not an error. If we were bad for the species, natural selection would have taken us out of the equation thousands of years ago.

We are vital for the human community. We help humanity understand the difference between the genders. We deliver wisdom, gained from seeing life from both sides of the gender divide, that no one else has.

We're not an error. We're here because we're needed.

Wow Suzi. Well worded.
Pansy

[Foxglove]

Foxglove, I think we're not an error. If we were bad for the species, natural selection would have taken us out of the equation thousands of years ago.

We are vital for the human community. We help humanity understand the difference between the genders. We deliver wisdom, gained from seeing life from both sides of the gender divide, that no one else has.

We're not an error. We're here because we're needed.

Suzi, I've had a thought somewhat similar to this.  One thing we transpeople can do for humanity is to teach them--if they're willing to learn--that it's OK to be different.  It would be hard to be more different than we are, and once people can accept us, that means they can accept everybody.  It will be recognized by all that it is OK to be what you are, no matter what you are.

[Skeptoid]

It's pretty easy to reconcile with a methodologically naturalistic worldview.

[Arch]

Foxglove, I think we're not an error. If we were bad for the species, natural selection would have taken us out of the equation thousands of years ago.

Sure--just like what's happened with cystic fibrosis, hemophilia, and male pattern baldness.

[LoriLorenz]

Oh LAWD!!! This is likely everything that happened to me.

I have a genetic condition that has made me - by birth - a hard luck case on a lot of levels!

So, let's see how this worked for me. I imagine an assembly line, much like how a soldier entering the army might get their uniform and kit.

I go through and it's a top to bottom kit line, and I get my full kit and stagger off. Upon entering my womb-room, I sit and go through everything during my 9 month sojourn. Upon discovery of several irregularities I write a letter:

To whom it may concern,

I have noted several mistakes in my humanity kit and would like to have it noted and, if possible, corrected.

The brain I received is correct, containing the proper intellect. However, while the visual programming is correct, the eyes are mismatched in strength. One appears to be blind, while the other works perfectly. The auditory programming is also below standard, but this is a minor issue that can be sorted through language addition S.IGN-001 to allow me to access the manual communications system. The hands provided are adequate for this use. I have noted the mismatched outer dressing of the right ear, however, and would like to have that adjusted to a matching set.

Internally, there are several discrepancies. The musculature that has been received is far more taught in comparison to other candidates of my type. I understand that this will create issues with food consumption, requiring me to consume more than the normal amount. but having received only one kidney, I'm leary of this combination and would like some extra instruction on how to resolve this. I also note the progressive deteriorization of the spinal column, which will cause my terms of service to alter drastically.

Next, the endocrinal system is entirely mismatched and the cognitive wiring appears to be male oriented, while I have a female set of equipment that is also incomplete!

Kindly see to these discrepancies. If this is not possible, I will make do with what I have and will endeavour to assemble my kit properly, however I am hereby lodging a formal complaint.

[Jade_404]

Kind of makes me think of my first dream that I had, the very first dream I ever remember having. It was very complex. It was so vivid that I remember it all like I just had it. I was looking down at a conveyer belt and there a Y junction I could see far of in the distance. On the track were little babies, all nicely lined up. I was flying above the track heading toward the junction. A fear grew inside me. As I got closer to the Y junction I was also pulled closer to a sleeping baby. Right before I reached the Y, I got pulled into the baby. I became the baby instead of that bodiless observer flying above. The track moved me into the area where the track split. I started to squirm. From out of no where these robotic arms came in and clasped me to hold me still. Another mechanical arm came slamming down and attached penis and testicles. It hurt, I cried out. Suddenly and very loudly an alarm sounded. A loud repeating robotic voice kept saying "error" error" "malfunction". Lights were flashing and all the babies ahead of me and all the ones behind me awoke and all looked at me with disgust.  The babies on the left path ahead of me were girls and the ones on the right were boys. All the babies behind me had no gender attributes. The belt had stopped moving. Suddenly the belt opened where I was laying and dropped me into a chute. I dropped so fast it felt so real. I thought I was going to die. I screamed and reached up hoping to get back to the belt. I awoke screaming and babbling, My mother came and tried to calm me, but she could not understand what I was trying to tell her. I was trying to tell her I was supposed to be a girl. I was 3 or 4 years old and terrified. Being the wonderful mother she is, she held me and made me feel better, but that dream has never faded from my mind and I was never able to even talk about it with anyone until very recently. True Story!

Love,
Jade

[suzifrommd]

If we were bad for the species, natural selection would have taken us out of the equation thousands of years ago.

Sure--just like what's happened with cystic fibrosis, hemophilia, and male pattern baldness.

Good point, Arch, though I was just pointing out (as I believe strongly) that our presence is good for humanity. Gender roles and expectations would be far more rigid without people like us.

[JoanneB]

Hi, Everybody!

I'd like to describe something that I feel fairly often.  I'm wondering if anybody else has similar feelings sometimes, or is it just me?

I often feel somewhat unreal.  The reason for this is that ->-bleeped-<- often feels somewhat unreal.  That is, I wonder, "How could this be happening to me?  How could this have happened?"

Being transgender seems like such a stupid mistake.  If you've got a male body, you're supposed to have a male psychology.  If you've got a female body, you're supposed to have a female psychology.  In fact, that's the way it works in the overwhelming majority of cases.

So what went wrong with me?  It seems like such an incredible mistake.  Somebody really screwed up.  And who would that have been? Who's responsible for this?

Because it seems like such a basic, simple mistake, it seems like it would be something basic and simple to fix.  There should be somebody you could see and get it taken care of.  You just go to the proper office, they pull out your file and then, "Hmm.  Yes, you're right.  Just a clerical error.  Sorry about that.  We'll have it sorted out by this time next week."  And away you go, everything's put right, and you're happy.

Or it was a mistake in the manufacturing process.  You get recalled to the factory, they make a few (minor) adjustments, and everything's OK.

Of course, it's not actually something basic and simple to fix.  At the end of the day, I'm never going to be what I really want and need to be.  So there's this disconnect between my intellectual understanding of the problem and my emotional grasp of it.  On the one hand, it seems like nothing at all.  On the other hand, it's an unsurmountable dilemma.  Hence the extreme frustration I often feel.  What seems like easy to remedy cannot in fact be remedied at all--at least not to the extent I'd like it to be.

So does anybody else ever have similar feelings, or is it just me?

Best wishes,
Foxglove

Wasn't that a Monty Python skit?

[Foxglove]

Wasn't that a Monty Python skit?

Not that I know of.  I did, however, once see a Monty Python skit about transpeople and I didn't like it in the least.

[Arch]

Good point, Arch, though I was just pointing out (as I believe strongly) that our presence is good for humanity. Gender roles and expectations would be far more rigid without people like us.

One can argue that we need horrible diseases to keep the population from overwhelming the planet, but certain genetic diseases just seem to be genetic mistakes.

I guess I just see myself as a similar mistake, just not genetic. The funny thing is that I don't see gayness in the same light at all.

[Stephe]

It's such a rare condition (I think?) that it seems awfully unlikely, from a statistical standpoint, that I often say to myself, "How can this be happening?"

It's really not that rare. The "visible" trans people are just the tip of the iceburg. Between the- stealth after transition people- and closeted transgendered people, I would be willing to guess that maybe 5-10% of the people who are transgendered are in some way visible to the general public. And in reality the numbers are probably much lower as far as the % that are visibly TG. All you have to do is read on forums like this how many are for instance on HRT, still living as the wrong gender, until they can pass 100% as the other etc. Or all the cross dressers, who in no way let anyone know they are TG. I know I had gender identity issues since I was 4 yet didn;t start living full time till I was around 40. It's probably close to the same % that people are gay.

And as someone else said, I don't feel I am a mistake or broken. Yes , life has been difficult but most everyone is thrown some sort of curve ball. I feel I have a very unique perspective on life and I really don't regret this all happened, not that I could change it if I did.

[Jade_404]

Being transgender seems like such a stupid mistake.  If you've got a male body, you're supposed to have a male psychology.  If you've got a female body, you're supposed to have a female psychology.  In fact, that's the way it works in the overwhelming majority of cases.

So what went wrong with me?  It seems like such an incredible mistake.  Somebody really screwed up.  And who would that have been? Who's responsible for this?

It does seem like that except for some like me ...It also seems like an incredible mistake. Something that should have an easy fix. I have a mostly female body, yet I have a penis. What went wrong with me? As a child my Dad would get mad as hell at me if I acted feminine or got involved with things the girls were doing. He would call me awful names and even hit me. This was back in the day when that was discipline not child abuse...

I am positive that my parents divorce was because of me. My mother did it to protect me from my Dads rage. He could not handle having a "gay" son. I am not gay, at least not in the way he perceives it. He is brought up old country, where the rule of thumb actually was used. I got plenty of beatings over miner infractions, like playing house with the neighbor girl or playing dress up. He put the fear into me where the only time I could paint my nails was on Halloween when I know I would not see him.

Fast forward and I am 40. My body is changing on its own and becoming more feminine. My Dad has no control over me, in fact I am the ONLY one in the entire family that goes to visit him. His Mom my Grandma is wicked old school 100% Irish, she used to be a pushy bible thumper, and VERY rasist  now she is a bit senile and I am the only one in the family that visits her. They both were SO MEAN to everyone in the family that they ostracized themselves from everyone. Every time I see her she tells me to cut my hair, I laugh and dance around and twirl my hair. She loves it even tho she says It is wrong I am all girly. I can see in her old eyes that she loves me, the real me, but her upbringing prevents her or my Dad from accepting it. I can see the smile in their eyes when I act all cutesy.

I wish there was an easy fix, I always dreamed that i was a girl. I always got called the girl or introduced by my brothers as their sister. They were joking and I used to get mad. Now it makes me smile..

I feel like my condition is even more rare than yours. I know TG people that are in completely wrong bodies and can't deal with it well. It does not seem that rare these days to be TG. I am pretty sure our mothers were exposed to chemicals or other factors that interrupted their unborn fetuses neural connections when gender receptors were being formed. In my case I feel like other factors created this girl with a penis.

I only a few months back tried on some girls cloths. I was always afraid to because of how I was brought up. If I was cold I would refuse a girls offer to use her extra sweater and just man up and freeze. Now I tried on and bought some cloths. They all fit perfectly... I mean they really fit nice. And I look pretty good in them.

I keep thinking how is this possible... how does this fit so good... what is wrong with me! Why does these outfits feel like they belong. I get a sense of balance and calmness when I put on the cloths. Why did I wait  40 years to just check and see if they fit? Why was I so scared, My Dad was not in control of me for a long time. They must of put the fear of god into me when I was little.

I know I am rambling but it is because you made me think... How is this even possible! who is responsible for this. Did the doctors mess me up as a baby? Did they give my mom bad meds that were untested at the time... why were my Dad and Grandma so freaked out about me and my behaviors. who knows.

What I do know is that NOW this is MY time, time to make me who I was supposed to be. No more playing pretend, no more pretending to be a male. I can't do it, I am a girl in mind body and spirit!.

I do have issues tho, I don't trust therapists AL ALL, I don't like doctors and they never give me the answers I am looking for. I am totally scared of them both yet I need them now because something is wrong with my hormones and I have a full blown hormone imbalance happening. This include hot flashes, some minor breast growth, hips and butt getting curvier, and I get a period where I am a real bitch for a few days... My cis female friends say its like I am going thru a girl puberty... I have to see a Doctor and Therapist but I am too screed to make that step. Therapists made my life miserable during and after my parents divorce, It was hell going to them and I was just a lab rat to them. When the Doctors start poking around to figure me out I will just be a lab rat again and it will drain my pocketbook. I don't want to be TG or maybe I am intersexed but I don't want to be. I wish there was an easy fix. It took me so long to come to terms with all of this and like you I have a disconnect between my intellectual understanding of the problem and my emotional grasp of it.

I wish you luck, and hope someday you CAN be who you are meant to be, someday soon I will take that leap and be a lab rat and maybe finally be able to be the real me 100% of the time! I am trying to get a friend I trust to go with me. I am scared out of my mind what they will do with me...

Love
Jade