Falling Apart

[BlaineGame]

Hello again everyone....

You remember in my frustrated thread how I said my friend said it could be a phase? Well turns out she was just warning me. She is very supportive, moreso than my own family. I decided to tell her sister and mom since they are practically my family anyway. They were also very accepting. I am so glad I told them...

But my mom isn't as happy...in fact, when I told her about them, she yelled at me to get out of her room. She hasn't really spoken  to me since then...why do I have to suffer for being myself? I know I shouldn't care what other people think but she is my mom, my family! I can't just walk away from her cuz I have nowhere to go...plus I love her so much. I've always been a mama's boy/girl, I've always run to my mom first for everything. We have a strong bond and I can't just let her go just because she's hurting my feelings.

My dad has no idea our friends know....I don't know how he'd react and now I'm scared to tell him...

My therapist doesn't work on Wednesdays so I couldn't contact her today...I don't know what to do!

My friend said if things get worse at home, I could live with her family temporarily....but I don't want to be a burden...plus all of my doctors and support groups and friends are where I live and my friends live 5+ hours away. If I did move in with them, or just visited them for a while, I'd have no way to get there cuz I don't have a car...

And those of you who say I shouldn't care what my family thinks...let me ask you this...what would you do if you lost a loved one? Like, what if they died? How would you feel if you had cut off all ties from them and never got the chance to make amends with them? I would be crushed if my mom died or something before I got the chance to make amends or something.

I'm a very passionate person...I can't change that. You all say it's okay to be myself...being myself includes compassion towards people I care about.

Sorry for the rant...I'm not trying to single anyone out or hate on anyone...I just wanted to say my opinion...

[Ms Grace]

Parents usually invest a lot into the gender of their children. It is after all the pre eminent question asked of a newborn ("boy or girl"?) and our life is then very intentionally fashioned by them around this one differentiation - name, clothes, toys, games, acceptable friends and interests and behaviours, human interactions, hopes, expectations, etc, etc. Mothers and fathers can be extremely personally invested in the idea of having a daughter or a son it can be a major defining aspect of them as a parent. This is why so many of them find it difficult to understand that we don't want to be that "son" or "daughter". It is a rare parent that immediately is 100% accepting of the "I'm trans" news. Don't take their first response as their ultimate response. For some it takes a while to come on board, for others much longer if ever. The important thing is to get them to still see you as their child regardless and that transition has made you a happy and fulfilled person.

[BlaineGame]

Parents usually invest a lot into the gender of their children. It is after all the pre eminent question asked of a newborn ("boy or girl"?) and our life is then very intentionally fashioned by them around this one differentiation - name, clothes, toys, games, acceptable friends and interests and behaviours, human interactions, hopes, expectations, etc, etc. Mothers and fathers can be extremely personally invested in the idea of having a daughter or a son it can be a major defining aspect of them as a parent. This is why so many of them find it difficult to understand that we don't want to be that "son" or "daughter". It is a rare parent that immediately is 100% accepting of the "I'm trans" news. Don't take their first response as their ultimate response. For some it takes a while to come on board, for others much longer if ever. The important thing is to get them to still see you as their child regardless and that transition has made you a happy and fulfilled person.

Yes, that's true...I guess I should be more patient? It's just that I've never really upset my parents like this before so I have no experience

[jamesdoran]

I second what Grace said...give it time. Your parents are probably grieving over the "loss" of their daughter. It will take some time to adjust. Most parents (not all...but most) are not willing to lose their kids just because they don't understand something about them.

[adrian]

Blaine, I'm sorry! Your Mom sounds very very stressed out. And from the little that you have written in your posts I would hazard the guess that she needs time to process. By coming out to her, you wiped out a lot of the things that she thought of as "a given". And I'm also guessing that she feels like she's losing a loved one. Which in a way is true -- and she should be allowed to grieve for the girl she is losing; but she will also gain a loved one -- and a much happier one at that, and hopefully she will understand this when she is done grieving.

More guesswork: when she heard from you that your friend's family knows, it's possible that she began to realize that this "trans thing" is for real. And it's possible that she doesn't want it "out" (yet) because it may be looked at as a stigma, and she needs time to come to terms with it. The fact that she wanted you to dress up for your grandma seems to indicate something similar.

We can't really know what's happening and what she's thinking, but I think there are explanations for why she is acting the way she does. And maybe you could help her by acknowledging her feelings -- let her known it's ok for her to grieve and to have these difficult feelings.

Hugs!

[Orangaline]

hey Blaine hang in there dude, its tough but these things take time, just like everyone else has said.

[Bran]

I agree that parents need time to process this sort of thing, and are usually not 100% supportive right out of the gate.  Parents' relationships with their children tend to be very gendered, and coming out as trans throws the entire relationship out of balance.  Especially if your relationship is strong, and your mom is generally a kind person without a lot of anti-LGBT beliefs, she probably just needs time.

But I'd also add that there's sometimes a fine line between hurting someone's feelings and being abusive.  The kind of lashing out that a parent may do when they receive news like this is often temporary, but sometimes its not.  While you're waiting and hoping for her to get through this, you should consider the possibility that she may not.  What would you do if her initial emotional reaction is how she continues to feel and behave?  It's safest to make plans accordingly.  If it comes to it, moving out wouldn't mean cutting off contact. Sometimes, especially with parents, that kind of distance is exactly what is needed to start to establish a more adult relationship (though I don't know how old you are. . . )

Relationships with family are very complex.  Caring about someone doesn't necessarily mean you treat each other well, and it certainly doesn't mean you can live happily in the same house. You can care about someone and still decide it's best not to live with them, or even be in contact with them.  And moving out, or getting some emotional distance, or even cutting of contact isn't necessarily forever.  Sometimes it is temporary, and sometimes it is an act of love.

Anyway, I agree with what's been said-- give her time.  But also know your limits and stick to them, so you've got a plan if things don't improve.

[Indoctrinated]

I've always been a mama's boy/girl, I've always run to my mom first for everything. We have a strong bond and I can't just let her go just because she's hurting my feelings.

Stay positive, don't let yourself hurt. Eventually she will realize her acts are setting you apart and nothing else.

[darkblade]

I think that, since initially it seems like she took things fairly fine, you shouldn't worry too much about her coming around. What everyone says, just give it time. It doesn't seem like she lashed out on you the first time you mentioned this to her, so it seems to me like she doesn't really oppose your decision so strongly, but rather that thinking about what that means is causing her lots of stress and worry. Give her time, that's all. Hope things go well for you two.

[FTMax]

I imagine it's probably very hard for cisgender parents to suddenly be confronted with the knowledge that the children they have reared as one gender are in fact not that gender. I think it's exacerbated by the fact that we tend to, once we've accepted our identities and began to come out, seem to focus and perhaps obsess on the topic until we really gain headway in the transition process (and sometimes long after that).

Being trans isn't all that you are, make sure you're taking time to talk to your parents about the other things that make you, you. You will seem healthier and more well-rounded, which will probably put your folks more at ease.

Also, keep in mind that people often get stressed out during the holidays. They're supposed to be a time of enjoyment and relaxation with friends and family, but I've found that that is only the case for a small percentage of people. Mom may have just flipped out at you from being stressed and tired in general.

[BlaineGame]

Had a long talk with my mom yesterday. Long story short we made up and I spent the night at my grandma's house to give her more space. Don't have much time to explain now but I will later. Just know that we are okay for now. Thank you for the advice.

[adrian]

Thanks for updating us Fingers crossed!

[BlaineGame]

Okay, so the day before Thanksgiving when all through the house  just kidding

But seriously, that day I had a talk with my mom. I could tell she was trying to hurt me for telling our family friends. I consider our friends family so I didn't understand the big deal of them knowing, especially since it was my secret to tell, not hers. I told her it wasn't just about her, it was about me too. It was my secret, so I should be able to tell whoever I want, right?

Well she didn't like that. She said she wasn't ready for our friends to know about our "family problems". I didn't really know what to say so I just let her rant. She said they didn't need to know everything that happened in our family.  But aren't friends (especially close ones) there for venting? Like, if something happens and you know you can confide in your friend, what's so wrong with that?

So she says she wasn't mad at me for being trans. She said she was mad at me for telling our friends. I don't understand it though. That family is very understanding and wouldn't judge us just to be mean. They wouldn't judge us on purpose either. But my mom said the next time we met up with the family that it would be awkward because they would be judging us....I honestly think it was her insecurities talking. If she had been in the right frame of mind, she would've known our friends wouldn't judge us like that.

She then started talking about how she was also mad because she told me not to tell anyone yet....but she had never been specific about that part...so I'm confused but I don't know how to voice it. I think she told me not to tell anyone else after I told my best friend. But my best friend is 13 and people make mistakes. Since she's only 13, she went to her mom to see if she was doing the right thing by keeping it a secret from her dad and older sister. I completely understand why she went to her mom but that just made my mom angrier. She said my friend had no right to tell her mom...

I don't agree and I brought up how they were family to me. That also made her mad and I don't get why. I thought she as well as the rest of my family, saw our friends as family since we have known them for 10+ years. At one point she said, "Well why don't you go live with you 'family'?" I replied, "That actually sounds like a good idea. Unfortunately, I don't have my own car or money. I would just be a burden to them just like I am for you."

I think she calmed down a bit once I had said that. She said I wasn't a burden but that I couldn't live with my parents forever...I already knew that, I've just got a lot on my mind and she expects me to find a job by December 16th and I'm already overwhelmed as it is...

She said I could go to my friends when I needed support since she was still uncomfortable about the whole thing...I don't see why she couldn't have just said she was uncomfortable about it in the first place...she said I couldn't talk about how she or my dad were feeling about the whole thing but that I could talk about how I feel and stuff. (This was directed to our friends, not this website) How am I supposed to talk about how I feel when it involves my parents? I mean, I understand that she wants her feelings and thoughts about this to be kept private but I'm not sure how to do that and still express how I feel about all of this.

At one point she told me I should spend the night at my grandma's house because my mom  was so mad at me...but she took that (as well as living with our friends) back near the end of our discussion once she had calmed down. But I felt we both needed some space so I stayed at my grandma's house anyway.

We apologized to each other at the end of our discussion and are okay now but I'm still confused about it all. She says she was hurt that I told our family friends when she said not to. But I don't think she remembered when she told me not to tell anyone else. So, I'm confused but not hurt.

She promised she didn't yell at me because she couldn't handle me being trans. She yelled at me because she was mad I told our friends...but isn't it my right to tell who I want? I mean, I guess it sounds selfish when I say that but I honestly don't know...Is it my right, not hers, to tell whoever i want? And she goes around and tells me that she told my grandma....and she was mad that our friends know....

I only told my best friend and her sister and their mom knows because of my best friend. That's only 3 people who know...and she told my grandma. I pointed that out and she was like,"Well, she's family by blood."

Well, whatever. I'm just glad she and I made up.

[adrian]

She promised she didn't yell at me because she couldn't handle me being trans. She yelled at me because she was mad I told our friends...but isn't it my right to tell who I want? I mean, I guess it sounds selfish when I say that but I honestly don't know...Is it my right, not hers, to tell whoever i want? And she goes around and tells me that she told my grandma....and she was mad that our friends know....

I only told my best friend and her sister and their mom knows because of my best friend. That's only 3 people who know...and she told my grandma. I pointed that out and she was like,"Well, she's family by blood."

Well, whatever. I'm just glad she and I made up.

I'm glad you and your Mom were able to sort things out. I understand you're confused about her reaction and I'd say it *is* your right to tell who you want. But (yeah, there's a 'but' here): I'd consider letting this go for the sake of peace, hoping that she will get over this stage where she is uncomfortable with other people knowing soon-ish.

[FTMax]

I'm glad you and your Mom were able to sort things out. I understand you're confused about her reaction and I'd say it *is* your right to tell who you want. But (yeah, there's a 'but' here): I'd consider letting this go for the sake of peace, hoping that she will get over this stage where she is uncomfortable with other people knowing soon-ish.

Ditto what Adrian said. I know you're seeing a therapist - did you have a timeline for starting T, or a goal in mind for starting T? She'll pretty much lose the choice to keep it a secret at that point.

[BlaineGame]

Thanks guys. I am seeing a therapist but I don't have a set time on when I'm starting T...not yet anyway. I'm hoping to start sometime next year if I'm lucky. I guess I should keep things quiet until I start T?

[FTMax]

Not necessarily. I mean, wouldn't it be nice if you could get everyone using your name and correct pronouns before then? It really depends on how you feel about it. If you feel like continuing to bring it up risks any aspect of your family life, maybe keep it on the down low except on therapy days.

I remember you said your mom wants you to get a job. Why don't you work on making that happen as soon as possible? That would show her that you're responsible, that you're stepping up and doing what she's asked in other ways. And it would give you and her something else to talk about.

[Indoctrinated]

I remember you said your mom wants you to get a job. Why don't you work on making that happen as soon as possible? That would show her that you're responsible, that you're stepping up and doing what she's asked in other ways. And it would give you and her something else to talk about.

That's it! Parents expect their boys to have a successful career more than anything else. Once you make it they will love telling everything about it to relatives... Especially if you have unemployed male cousins 

[StirfriedKraut]

I understand completely.

When I told my mother she didn't handle it well. Earlier this year I actually tried to kill myself because of it. My work has known for quite some time, friends have known since high school, and everyone was pretty good about it. but my family is more conservative. My mother had basically told me she would disown me if I changed my body in any way. So after even more things occuring that day i snapped.

Since then my mother's been progressively getting better about it. This past month she actually was interested in helping other parents like her who have a hard time with it.

I'm hoping yours turns out like me. The loss of family is not a light topic, and I genuinely hope that doesnt come to pass for you. I'd try to stay optimistic and ease the topic best you can for her. Transition is a process that not only you endure, which is something I keep in the back of my mind at all times so that everyone around me that i care for can handle it as well.

Best of luck mate.

[Alexthecat]

Walmart is always hiring, you can get in before the 16th.