Distracting myself from the inevitable?

[MagicalMysteryMind]

Hi All,

Just another rant I need to let go. I feel like I'm a little self distractive at the moment.

I spend every waking moment of every day, making sure I'm not thinking about my gender issues, because I know as soon as I do I start to get confused and I'm not that sure how to deal with it. I'm trying to not transition, I really am! But I think it's going to be the only way in the end.

The reason I think I'm self destructive is I am distracting myself 24/7 for example:
Making big unnecessary purchases
Binge Eating
Getting way to engaged in online games
Falling asleep during the day
Looking forward to work, because I know my mind will be else wear
Masturbating (Gross, but for some reason it makes me forget about my genders issues for 10-15min or so)

Right now, I feel like I go through the whole day and don't accomplish one thing.... Why? Because I spend my time doing stupid little things and get no were because I don't want to face reality.

I'm not sure how to feel, I'm not depressed or anything, but I am getting less and less patient...

I feel stuck, frustrated and kind of scared.

One thing that makes me worried about transition is I'm going to be known as a trans woman sooner or later, I will never just be a woman to other people. As soon as somebody finds out my my history, bam.... labeled...


Sorry again for this rant, I think I'm averaging 1 a month now Just need to get out what I am feeling.

Any advice as usual is much appreciated.

[suzifrommd]

One thing that makes me worried about transition is I'm going to be known as a trans woman sooner or later, I will never just be a woman to other people. As soon as somebody finds out my my history, bam.... labeled...

That was a big worry for me. I'm tall enough and sufficiently lacking in grace that passability will always be a question. I've been full time for nearly a year and a half. Here's how it's gone.

I am so thrilled and delighted to be living as a female that the fact that most people know my history is only a minor irritant. I transitioned on the job and came out to the people at my church (because I didn't want my friends to hear it from someone else), so pretty much everyone knows I'm trans. It's not an issue. I am who I am, and that's what really matters.

True I've had trouble finding romance, but so have a lot of cisgender woman my age.

I can't promise you that you'll just blend in. I can say that for me, the positives so far outweigh the negatives that I can't imagine what my life would be like if I hadn't transitioned.

Does this help?

[Valleyrie]

I know how you feel. There are some days when I feel like all I'm doing is distracting myself just so I can cope. My mind is constantly thinking about my gender problems and it never stops. For the past week or so something that has helped me when I'm feeling down is to just think of myself as gender-queer and androgynous. That may not work for you but it does for me. There's nothing wrong with masturbating so don't feel like you're weird or it's gross. It's completely normal. I used to do that all the time too but now that I'm on hormone blockers it's pretty much impossible.

I get what it's like to feel like you aren't accomplishing anything. For the past 2 years I've done almost nothing with my life. I sit in my room all day listening to music and being on the computer. I think what you need to learn is self-acceptance and to value your views over others. What's most important is the way you perceive yourself. Personally, I don't like to identify with the word trans. I see myself as female and if others do too then that's cool. I don't deny the fact I am but it's just not how I see myself and there's nothing wrong with that. Do whatever makes you happy, screw what other people think!

I think sooner or later you'll come to realize that you may need to transition but this is totally up to you and no one can tell you otherwise. Good luck with everything. ^.^

[April_TO]

I just want to thank everyone on this thread. I'm also feeling a bit down this morning. I do value the opinion of other people than myself and it makes me so paranoid sometimes that it makes me sick to my gut. There's wisdom in feedback - however, i feel like you need to have a solid core inside and a belief that you are woman and that we are all beautiful.

This will be my mantra today xoxo

[katrinaw]

You must decide the path you take, follow your heart, clear out the binge anything thoughts...

I kept putting off the inevitable, and after many wasted years here I am about to really screw up so many lives.

We would all have loved to have been born genetically female, but through a twist of fate we were not... no ones fault, labelling is a consequence of that, personally I don't care because when I see myself (real self) in a mirror it is natural to me.



L Katy

[Seras]

I distracted myself for 10 years. Wish I hadn't. Woulda been better if I had faced up my problems but oh well, I am now!

[JoanneB]

I relied on what I call the 3D's, which allowed me to get by living and being a guy for 30-40 years. They are Diversions, Distractions, and Denial. It was what I needed to do at that point in my life. I tried and failed twice experimenting with transition. It wasn't for me, for many reasons.

Transition ain't for weenies. If your options are only transition or suicide, there is only one weenie option out of it. I was never at that point. Still thankfully not. Today I know I can actually pull it off as far having the confidence in myself and the surety of knowing how genuine I would feel. Provided of course other important areas of my life don't take major hits.

Finding a middle ground takes a lot of work with no long term guarantees. Finding, making, a balance in all of your life never is easy. Being trans just adds another ball or two to juggle either way you go. Some ways of creating that balance are better then others.

I tried and used most of the ways you mentioned. Me and many others. They are tried and true techniques. IMHO, shame and guilt about who we are close our eyes to much of the world of possibilities. How we think about ourselves cannot help but to impact what we do. Strong negative emotions like shame and guilt cannot help but to impact us negatively.

The single biggest thing that helped turn my life around was finding and going to a TG support group. I was totally floored my first meeting. By the third I knew I HAD to be there. A couple of angels in the group were really there when I needed them. That was followed up with plenty of reading self-help books and some therapy for the tons of baggage I accumulated over the years. Today I am able to see a for real gender therapist which helps a lot since I am about 90% certain some sort of transition is in my future.