RLE Jitters?

[Fae]

Today was my last day at my summer job.  It was nice, I got a good send off and I will really miss my co-workers. 

Today sneaked up on me though, as I planned on going full-time once I was done.  Tonight I was about to paint my fingernails in preparation for going out presenting as female tomorrow, when I stopped.  I suddenly got really scared of how people will react to me, because there are still times when I know people are seeing me as a guy.  Granted, I'm seen as a woman maybe 60%-80% of the time, but there is still that 20%-40% where I'm seen as a guy and I get a "sir" or a "he."

When I called the county clerk this week, I got "sir'd" three times...my voice is horrible on the phone but my friends say I sound fine in person because I try to keep it as low as I can without breaking.

I'm having a bad case of the jitters.  A big part of me wants to just jump right in and enjoy myself, present as female and just brush off any bad encounters (I can deal with stares, though not sure about direct confrontations).  The other part of me is holding me back slightly, as in why I stopped before I painted my nails.  I want to do this but I'm afraid.

I'll be back at school in two weeks and everything will be fine then.  Right now, I just need to go out because my RLE won't happen unless I get over this fear and make it happen.

Please share your thoughts.

~Fae 

[Robyn]

If you weren't a bit nervous, Fae, I'd be worried about you. 

If you're not quite sure, you might want to see your gender counselor first for a 'checklist' and 'deep breath' session.

My advice is to take a step, see how you feel about the next step, and take the next step when ready. 
Until you change your name, you can't be 100% full time, anyway.  And some counselors won't start the RLE clock until you do change your name.

Right up to the minute that the anesthetic kicks in on SRS day, you can always change your mind.

Scary?  Sure.  Stick your foot in the water and see how it suits you.

More than 50% of passing is confidence.  If someone stares on campus, give a big smile and keep on walking.  Find out where the GLBT Office is in case you need help.

Watch your alcohol intake and that of those around you.  Don't put yourself in harms way by tempting young men's mix of alcohol and raging hormones.

Best wishes.

Robyn

[Fae]

If you weren't a bit nervous, Fae, I'd be worried about you. 

If you're not quite sure, you might want to see your gender counselor first for a 'checklist' and 'deep breath' session.

My advice is to take a step, see how you feel about the next step, and take the next step when ready. 
Until you change your name, you can't be 100% full time, anyway.  And some counselors won't start the RLE clock until you do change your name.

Right up to the minute that the anesthetic kicks in on SRS day, you can always change your mind.

Scary?  Sure.  Stick your foot in the water and see how it suits you.

More than 50% of passing is confidence.  If someone stares on campus, give a big smile and keep on walking.  Find out where the GLBT Office is in case you need help.

Watch your alcohol intake and that of those around you.  Don't put yourself in harms way by tempting young men's mix of alcohol and raging hormones.

Best wishes.

Robyn

Thanks for the advice Robyn.  I don't drink so no problem there, but I go out with some gg friends of mine and I'll keep an eye on them.  There's a GLBT club but not a student affairs dept (I want to change that).  I'm going to go out presenting as female tomorrow and see how things go.  I already know I want to change my name (sooner the better) so I'll be filing papers in court this week.

~Fae

[Megan]

Fae,

I agree with Robyn, it's natural to be nervous. A name change is a big step. I remember; I filed for mine just 10 months ago. Make sure you have planned what you are going to do, though, as best you can. Sometimes you just have to take a leap into the unknown, but don't be leaping if you don't have to or if it doesn't feel right. If you are really feeling nervous, there might be other things you need to do first.

Use the resources on the web to check and see if there is anything you missed. I used TS Roadmap for that, and I had already taken care of everything I found there, but it felt good to check and made me less nervous. With work/school transitions, everyone's situation is different, though, and you have to find what will work for you.

There is a secret to all of this. I discovered it five months into full time, but I think it is possible to pick it up much sooner. I discovered it the hard way, in a "sink or swim" situation when I was planning for SRS and learned that I had testicular cancer. After going through an "I just want to die" stage of wanting to run away from it, I discovered that I could in fact go on, and to hell with what anyone else thought. Suddenly it was my life and whatever was left of it, and I was no longer willing to waste time trying to be what other people thought I should be. No more explanations of why I was the way I was; nobody else has to explain themselves that way so why should I?

You can take that too far. Don't. Just be yourself and let other people deal with it. And don't place yourself in dangerous situations. Find out what is safe and what isn't. It sounds simple, and it is. With practice.

Take care...

[ktmoore89]

I totally understand where your coming from and pretty much agree with everyone else in the fact that it's alright to be scared but sometimes you just have to take that leap and not worry about others. When I started my first RLE actually ended up having a lil bit of a panic attack. Once you do take that leap though it will be alright. Oh and if you do run into trouble don't give up because you just can't we go through too much for that. Don't forget deep breaths.

huggles,
Kati

[Fae]

Ok, I did it.

Went out to the parts store and to the grocery store today.  I was wearing a pair of girls jeans and a girls t-shirt, no makeup, and nobody really said anything.  I didn't get any weird looks at all, most people just glanced at me and then went about their business.  Nobody said anything, nobody even cared...NOBODY.

WTH??  I got soo worked up last night for nothing.  I don't get it. 

~Fae

[ktmoore89]

Yay congratulations!! 

Remember it's just natural to be worked up at first.

[Megan]

Fae,

Now that you see that you can do it, you might want to gain some more experience before you go full time. It depends so much upon you and your situation. It just seems to be that if you have more experience, you will understand better what you are committing to doing.

I went through a lot of ups and downs between when I "soloed" and when I went full time. By the time I changed my name I was very nearly living full time anyway, and I knew that it wasn't going to be a problem to do it all the time. Then when the medical problem surfaced there was no question in my mind whatsover about reverting back (and it would have been difficult to do so after changing my name). If I hadn't been so well prepared, I don't know what I would have done.

I don't know what is best for you. You probably won't encounter a medical problem like I did, but other things could come up unexpectedly. I'm just trying to give you things to think about. Think about it, ask questions, and then do what seems best. I know what it's like for your normal presentation and your ID not to match; I did it for quite a few months and it was not fun, but dealing with that helped me. Do prepare, but don't take longer than you need.

[Fae]

Fae,

Now that you see that you can do it, you might want to gain some more experience before you go full time. It depends so much upon you and your situation. It just seems to be that if you have more experience, you will understand better what you are committing to doing.

I went through a lot of ups and downs between when I "soloed" and when I went full time. By the time I changed my name I was very nearly living full time anyway, and I knew that it wasn't going to be a problem to do it all the time. Then when the medical problem surfaced there was no question in my mind whatsover about reverting back (and it would have been difficult to do so after changing my name). If I hadn't been so well prepared, I don't know what I would have done.

I don't know what is best for you. You probably won't encounter a medical problem like I did, but other things could come up unexpectedly. I'm just trying to give you things to think about. Think about it, ask questions, and then do what seems best. I know what it's like for your normal presentation and your ID not to match; I did it for quite a few months and it was not fun, but dealing with that helped me. Do prepare, but don't take longer than you need.

Thanks Megan.  I don't foresee any real problems with regards to medical because of my age and I'm in good health.  I already know that I can do this, it's just a matter of continuing to go out and gain confidence in my appearance as people react to my true self. 

As for my name change, I plan on filing papers this week to get the process going.  My male name just doesn't fit me anymore, and it's time I changed that because I'm tired of being referred to as [male name]. 

I'm fully committed.  There is no turning back.

~Fae

[Megan]

Fae,

I almost forgot to mention something. When I was doing my name change paperwork and I came to the "reason" question, I realized that I should say the minimum amount possible, but what was that? I checked with a TG lawyer here in California, and he recommended "This name better suits my identity." It worked!

[Dennis]

"common usage" works well too.

Dennis

[Fae]

"common usage" is hard to prove here in NY Dennis, as it requires more paperwork (damn the bureaucracy!) to be filed in court.  I was planning on keeping it brief, and saying "birth name conflicts with gender identity."

~Fae

[HelenW]

This is what I put for a reason in my NY name change petition:

I have been medically diagnosed with a gender identity disorder whose treatment, as laid out in the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care for Gender Identity Disorders, includes the transition from the biologically assigned gender to the gender the patient identifies with.  As part of that transition I wish to alter my name in order that it be unambiguously female rather than male.   

I included a copy of my therapist's letter and it all went though fine.

hugs & smiles
Emelye