Questioning all the questioning

[OlderTG]

I've done a lot of it and there are lots and lots of threads; "Am I trans or not?" I'm seeing a gender therapist now and went in looking for her to answer the question for me.

She has challenged me now a couple times and I came out of my session last week with the big, nasty "S" word passing through my mind. No, I wouldn't act on it, but thoughts were there. I'm pretty sure I've lost my family and now this lady is saying to me, "I'm not so sure about you..." So then what am I???

My conclusion is I AM TRANS!!! I'm trans if I think I am. I'm trans if I start thinking dark thoughts when told maybe I'm not trans. Yes, there are those who start to transition and realize it's not for them, but is that worse than being left with nothing? Why do I need someone else to convince me of what I know in every fiber of my being?? I need the therapist to believe me and help me move forward!

Thoughts??

[Seras]

Pretty much. Being trans is one of the few things where circular logic is actually legit.

Sounds like your therapist isn't helping much.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! How do you identify?

[Ms Grace]

I think a lot of the time people - for whatever reason - are hoping their therapist will tell them they aren't trans. It would certainly make life easier if that were the case, but like you say, you  know these things in the fibre of your being. I tried to deny it for many years but finally had to acknowledge I could no longer live as a male. The thought of not being a woman filled me with an indescribable despair. Usually we know the answer all along but once we recognise and accept the truth of it it can be like a massive weight lifted off our shoulders even though transition is a burden in and of itself.

[adrian]

Hey,

wow, I'm sorry that your therapist is doing this to you -- that's rough! I mean, from my perspective it's OK for them to be challenging in the sense of asking "critical" questions that cause us to think about our situation and our feelings. But definitely NOT in the sense of questioning the validity of our identity. It's a really big difference if my therapist asks me "are you sure" versus stating "I'm not so sure...". That's really bad.

I think you should bring this issue up with your therapist and see how she handles it. If her reaction isn't adequate (i.e. she should apologize and explain why she acted they way she did) I think you should consider looking for another therapist if this is possible for you.

My therapist asks challenging and seemingly naive questions all the time. But he would never invalidate me. If I say I'm trans, I'm trans. He tries to make sure that we analyze what that means and if maybe there are any other explanations for how I feel, but he would never say "I don't think you're trans".

This is off topic -- but I like your new profile picture!

[FTMax]

Get a new therapist. Seriously, if yours is having a negative affect on your mental state post-session, you need to fire her.

[suzifrommd]

I need the therapist to believe me and help me move forward!

Thoughts??

Does your therapist not believe you? That would be a dealbreaker for me. I'd be out of there before you could say "arrogant cisgender".

[Ms Grace]

I don't see anything wrong with a counsellor challenging the statements of their clients. I know I said a lot of deluded things over the years and being challenged on them really helped to sort out my thoughts and emotions. Being disbelieved, being told you are wrong by a counsellor however is not right.

[suzifrommd]

I don't see anything wrong with a counsellor challenging the statements of their clients. I know I said a lot of deluded things over the years and being challenged on them really helped to sort out my thoughts and emotions. Being disbelieved, being told you are wrong by a counsellor however is not right.

I agree. Often the difference between someone who challenges you and someone who doesn't believe you can be the tiniest bit of body language. Sometimes it's a tone of voice. It's up to the therapist to make it clear they trust and believe the patient and are asking challenging questions to make the patient think rather than because they think their judgment supersedes the patient's.

[awilliams1701]

In my case I had already accepted being trans, but I was basically asking her for permission for each step. Instead she challenged me to take my own steps at my own pace, which was a lot faster than I thought. In the end the only permission I got out of her was the letter for the endo. I do believe her approach empowered me to make the best of my journey as it was happening rather than looking at the end result (which is still a long way off) I wasn't sure I would be on HRT this year, but I'm almost to 2 weeks now. I didn't think I was going to be out until I started to pass, but I'm out and don't have to hide anymore. She herself has noticed a good improvement since I've been seeing her.

[darkblade]

Switching therapists like everyone already said would be a good idea. Personally I saw a therapist who after listening to me talk for over an hour basically told me that I seemed like I was just a girl who liked to wear men's clothes. Naturally I don't think I want to see him again. He was so ready to put me on the track for transition had I met the "criteria" in his head for a person to be trans. I just didn't like being told flat out what my identity is, because even though I'm not sure exactly, I'm pretty sure these days that it's not cis. It's also very different when a friend says something like this than when a therapist does.

[treeLB]

Have you told her you feel you need to transition? Do you really think it is up to her to answer the question for you?

[ImagineKate]

This is where I'm glad for informed consent. I did not have to wait for a therapist to tell me what I am. I went to my dr and was prescribed on the spot. Even got to continue on the dosage I was on and self medding with. I guess it's a harm reduction strategy but my blood work showed up good.

That said I could have seriously killed myself or harmed my health. Self med is not safe. A doctor will start you off low and slow and monitor you. I played Russian roulette and I got lucky.

[Vicky Mitchell]

Got me worried I think.  I am trying to get int I see a therapist (called two no return phone call as of yet). My wife i feel is losing it and badly want the dr to tell me I am normal and I guess this is just a phase or gives me medicine to make it go away.   Me I think I know what I want. I mean this week since coming out has been brilliant.  I feel like a weight has been lifted.  My wife is cautious about what therapist we use as she believes some of the. Will try to "convert" me. I told them they are not like that they are there to help you understand and try to figure out but in the end I am in charge.  At least that is what I thought.  Now reading this makes me wonder.  Wonder what will happen. I feel if my wife was driving she wake up and this be a dream to her but I be carrying the same weight again. Me if I drive I just want to be happy no matter what directions I go. I always hoped the therapist would be neutral but it is kind of scary if they are questioning us like that or trying to guide us down their path that they want us to go.    And just when I thought I was figuring things out.    As far as yours goes OLDERTG sounds like time to look for a new one I don't like the thought of others telling us what we want or can and cannot do or how we should feel or think.


Vicky

[Ms Grace]

My wife i feel is losing it and badly want the dr to tell me I am normal and I guess this is just a phase or gives me mess to make it go away.   

The thing is though, if you are trans then, just like cis people, you are normal; if you have been feeling this way for much of your life (even if the feelings were buried and unrecognised) then it is not a phase; if you are trans then you cannot be medicated to become cis. Hope you can find someone to help you soon.

[Susan522]

Why do I need someone else to convince me of what I know in every fiber of my being??

Why do "I need the therapist to believe me and help me move forward!"

Good questions.

[OlderTG]

Vicky, I didn't mean to scare you! I'm sorry, hun. I just wanted to bring out the idea that WE are the ones who know we're transgender or not.

I've seen a separate psychiatrist for 4.5 years and just started with this gender therapist about a month ago. I don't think she has had time to really understand me yet and I plan on spelling things out clearly for her this week. Now I did tell her at first that I wanted to be challenged so this may be about that 'request'. In a sense, the challenge was fine - at first as I said I started wondering why I was alive. I'm well on my way to losing my wife and family - for my declaration of being trans MTF Devlyn. And so if I'm not or even if my transition is put off for too long, what do I have left? But I turned this into anger, understanding and resolve. I've gone through all the doubts so many times already. I look back at my life and there is so much evidence (even if I never accepted it on a conscious level until recently), that there is only one conclusion.

She said she doesn't know a single person my age in transition. I'm going to bring that up this week and introduce myself, "Hi, my name is Paula and I'm going to transition with your help. Now you DO know someone my age in transition. If I'm an aberration, fine. Every one of us is different in some way. So what if I'm far from 'typical'...if I really am. I'm going to lay things out very plainly and clearly with her.

It was with my psychiatrist that I put things together and admitted to myself that I'm a woman. I accomplished a lot more with him and I may need to continue with him as well as a gender therapist; if I need to do that, fine. If this gender therapist gives me more grief, I'll have no choice but to move on to someone else. I want this to work, though, as I don't want to throw away even this last month with her. One more week... All the advice for me to fire her is good advice but like I say, let's see what happens this week. And I will tell her I want (and need) to start transitioning.

I did start out with wondering why it is that so many of us do look to others to tell us whether or not we're transgender; WE know, so why ask? Well, yes, some of us want to be told we're NOT because it would be easier to live life. Others of us want to be told we ARE so we can wave that in front of our loved ones as 'evidence' of the validity of what we know. Both those approaches, though, are to a large extent an effort to appease those around us. I'm done with that. I want my family to understand me, but I will no longer appease them at my own expense.

Thanks to all of you for your wonderful support. And again, Vicky, my whole point here is that we have to self advocate. It doesn't matter what your wife thinks or wants. It doesn't matter what a thinks. It matters who WE know ourselves to be. Don't let the wishes of others shake you from what you know to be true. If you really and honestly aren't sure, then by all means you need to see a therapist but be yourself, not a puppet for others.
When I started with this gender therapist my wife asked me to be 'open and honest'. I have been and will continue to be. Sadly for her, she thinks open and honest is me saying I'm not TG. And what Ms Grace said is absolutely true!

[Rachel]

I remember asking my therapist if I was trans, that was 3 or so sessions in where I spent the time explaining why I felt like a female since I was very young. I think I just wanted to hear it. I broke down when she gave me her feedback. I knew the answer but I just wanted someone to validate what I feel.

Suicide
I have come to the conclusion I really do not want to die. I just hold onto the false image and all the advantages and not be honest and lose what I worked so hard for. I still use suicide as a crutch when things get bad, but now I ask myself why am I putting myself through this and what can I do to relieve the pain. I think recognizing you are in pain and talking through it like you are helping a friend is key. Oh, you will start to like your self if you do this. It took me a long time to understand I can help my self.

Group and community
I really believe being with people who understand and feel like you do adds so much to the hole I have had in my life. I think the hole was in my being or self that I am mending.

I do not know your age but I am 52 and started the process of being me at 50. I really like me as opposed to him.

My family and I are really stressed at times and as I expand my self the backlash is real and personal. I remain calm, understanding and my self.

Good luck in your transition. Oh, I think you have a good handle on what to do with the GT.

[Eva Marie]

I think a lot of the time people - for whatever reason - are hoping their therapist will tell them they aren't trans.

This would be me    I went in thinking i was bigender, and came out knowing that I was a transsexual - Surprise! 

Yeah, this is tough. I wanted a tough no BS therapist and I found one. Brutal honesty from her which was perfect for me; its what I needed to hear.

I didn't like the conclusion we came to. Oh well. Life goes on.

The fact that you are essentially training your therapist is extremely scary to me. Seeing a non qualified therapist might do more harm to you than good IMO.

Like you said - self advocate - no one else will.

And fire your therapist.