Hello everybody
(English is not my mother tongue, sorry about the mistakes).
You don't know how glad I am about finding this forum. I was starting to feel lonely with my questions. I was actually googling on how to look more girly... Anyway, more about that later
I was born with male genes, and grew up into one. I've never been comfortable into this gender identity, and with gender identities in general. Today I would consider myself as gender fluid, if I had to - I'd rather not, actually. I'm fine with the male pronouns though, it doesn't make much difference to me - or not yet.
After a depression, I recently wrote a slam poem, to be said on a stage, about fear and inhibition. I helped out some friends with their theater piece, and I entered a new creative phase in my life. I used to write short stories, debuts of novels, without even realizing that it doesn't fit me. My inner police decided for me that I had to write novels. So I tried to wrote novels. My inner police told me that I had to study. So I tried to study. My inner police told me to write in a sophisticated, hard-worked-on manner, and so I did. The same way that my inner police told me, if not to be a man, at least to stick to that identity, because it was better than looking at myself in the mirror.
And then I started to say
no.
No, I don't want to write novels.
Except for the days I feel like it.
No, I don't want to study.
Except for the days I feel like it.
No, I don't want to be a boy.
Except for the days I feel like it.
I went on with writing my shameless poems. And each time I had a burst in myself. Adrenaline or something.
Yes, that feels right. I want to enable myself to look and act like the person I am inside and to keep feeling that.
Since I stopped pretending to be a cis-male, I've let my emotions and feelings reach my face, and that also feels so right! The police is locked inside the station ^^
I don't want to look like a girl. I want to look pretty. I want to be able to wear whatever I want. I want to find a way to clean my skin because I DO care about my appearence and I do want to have a soft and fresh skin. I want to wear a skirt if I feel like it, and I want to wear my hoodie, a jeans and military boots if I feel like it.
Suddenly I realized that accepting my mixed up gender was inherently accepting myself as a whole. I'm trying to do just that.
Even better, I'm actually a bit proud of it
Proud of myself. For the first time in my life. For just being. After all the ->-bleeped-<- that went down on me. Great.
Gender studies and feminism have been part of my intellectual interests for a long time. I'd like to make them part of my everyday life as well. I'm going to participate a transgender association and see what happens. The same way I'm going to start theater class and keep saying very private things out loud on a stage.
I'm even considering making a little book out of my poems. Because everybody tell me that they are good (and not anybody). And for the first time, I believe them.
So, why am I here? Firstly to share thoughts, feelings, et caetera. To listen to others - I'm generally good at it. To learn more things about gender studies, to learn from others.
Also, I've already been called names online, although I've just started to talk about it. So I guess some support will be quite appreciated when I'll have to deal with that out there
I'm reflecting on sexual orientations. I like the concept of pansexuality for myself.
Anyway!
Nice to meet you all
Alex
