Considering Transitioning. Thoughts?

[TrishaJane323]

I FINALLY decided to join this forum.  I have been reading things on here for years.  I finally have the time and freedom to pursue some answers.  A little on me...

I am a biological male that is almost 32 years old.  I'm 6 foot and currently am 180lbs with a muscular build.  I spent my whole adult life until now being busy and not really pursuing who I am...who I really am.  I went to college, dated, got married (to a woman I still love to this day), divorced, another long term relationship (which is now over), and I have moved around quite a bit.  Most of these adult years I the goal was to buy a home and start a family.  Now it's just me and a few roomates.  That will be changing in about 6 months.  To be honest I cannot wait!!!  It's really hard to have some privacy while there are always people in the house!  No plans to date or anything...  unless I found that cute, calm, caring, understanding woman, that is slightly dominant and is "the one."  Otherwise this is the time in my life where I figure some things out.  There is a lot there to figure out, but for the sake of this forum I will talk about the things that I have NEVER talked about except for to one therapist.  Of which dismissed as a common sexual fetish.  I am fairly certain its more than that.  A whole lot more.

Lets begin now.  I started crossdressing at the age of 8 (maybe sooner but I can hardly remember before then).  This is preceding my very sexual years to come.  It was a piece of clothing here and there.  There was a feeling behind it that I find hard to describe, but it wasn't sexual at first.  I've been dressing off and on ever since.  Yes of course things get sexual when dressing, but not always.  Over the years, when I would have long periods of free time, I would often dress the entire time.  I would dress to do laundry, clean, or just to watch a movie.  It wasn't always sexy clothing.  Yoga pants, robes, ect...  sometimes I wouldn't even dress at all, just wear makeup.  Thats the dressing part.  I love clothing.  When I have to go out as a guy, which I am, I take my time getting ready.  If I am going somewhere I am not the guy that just throws whatever on.  I put something nice on even for mediocre activities.  I can dress casual.  I do every day for work, but if I have a reason to spend time getting ready I do.  Often when I'd get ready to go out as a guy I would be thinking about if I were a girl...

Here we go with that... if I were a girl thought.  Those began a really young age too.  But it wasn't so much "it would be cool if I was a girl."  I would have the thoughts of "I want to be a girl" long before I was a teenager.  Those very feelings I would get from time to time would keep me up at night.  I would lose sleep over this as a child!  I would often think of the years ahead of me when could pursue being a girl.  I was looking into sex changes as soon as I knew that was possible.  Lets just take this a little deeper and say that I remember thoughts about wishing I was a biological female.  I know this because, well when you read stories here, they jog memories.  I remember being a child and wanting to have a baby.  Not as in be a dad, but wanting to have a baby!  That sounds just insane to say that as an adult male, but if I was thinking that it was before I knew that there was no way that I could.  You can imagine my shock to be pondering these things now.  No wonder why my life is so confusing?!  LOL!

Emotionally and my brain.... I've taken all the quizzes that I can and when it comes to my brain... I am over 80% female.  Now I know that some of my responses to those questions are habit.  So it's probably more.  I've had girlfriends, the most recent especially, tell me that I am very in tune with my emotions, and others.  I am very empathetic.  I am the guy that my friends call for relationship advice (I dont know why my track record isn't very good today).  I tend to lean toward women as friends, and I would have a lot of them if I wasnt so shy.  Of all my cousins I talk to the one that is a girl the most.  We have some similar outdoor hobbies and yup we talk about relationships.  I've even had a conversation about her clothes before.  Shoot, maybe its obvious to those around me.

Growing up...

I got called a girly man growing up by my father.  I had long hair.  I am a guitarist and love the whole rock, blues, metal...so the long hair was cool.  It was also something I wanted for the reason of feeling feminine.  I'll fingerpick on guitar from time to time...I grow some of my nails because I have an excuse too.  I enjoy that.  If I got in trouble for school work I would get really emotional, but by the time I was close to high school graduation my response was quite manly.  It was learned.  Most conflicts in life I have a emotional response that I am very well aware of and my emotion gets turned into what I am supposed to do instead of what I want to do.  I just exited a relationship with a high conflict woman and I realized how much of myself I hid.  Just out of fear of not being manly enough.  Which now that I see it is how I am most of the time.    

I was close with my ex wife in a way that I dont think she knows, but if I told her it would make total sense.  I loved shopping with her.  I loved trying to pick out clothes for her.  Whether work, or going out, I would give very educated opinions on what she wore.  Not only was I extremely attracted to her as a woman, but in a way I envied her.  

I am a guy, I do guy things, and its not a problem.  It's okay.  It's not something that makes me so happy of life.  I was born a man so what am I to do?  Yet I am not aggressive and the more I allow myself to be without thinking so much I feel feminine.  It's almost what I identify most with in life are those things feminine.  I'll look at girly magazine covers at the store and want to read them.  Especially things like home decor ect...  

I think a lot of what has and continues to deter me from perusing things further are the consequences.  I work in a factory.  To transform would leave me unable to hide after a while.  So my employment must change.  Then on a bigger level, most of my family would no longer talk to me, most of my friends would do the same, and the ones that continue would have their opinions.  So in the end I would maybe have a supportive but secretly disappointed mother, my father would no longer talk to me, no more uncles, cousins (minus the one that is the a girl), and I would also be giving up the "ideal" family of me being a father.   Ohh... by the way.  Sexually I am straight.  I'm not interested in men.  I know by trial and error.  

If I would have had the choice and the knowledge of what I would be born into this world as what would I chose?  FEMALE!  So if there were no consequences to becoming a full time woman and I could do so today?  All side effects, loss of sex drive, social status, job, family, ...that aside what does thinking about being a woman do to me?  It makes me excited.  Not aroused, but excited.  About life.  I have no idea what I would do to survive, but maybe that's just it.  I feel like all I have been doing is surviving.  Surviving with thoughts like this.  How long are those going to last.  They haven't EVER went away totally.  I get busy, but they stick around...

Yet being a man isn't awful, but maybe I only think that because I have an appreciation for life itself?  Am I confused?  Does any of this make any sense to anyone?!?!  I appreciate some thoughts.   Please be kind... Im new to admitting this stuff...

[JoanneB]

You aren't the only one confused, questioning, worrying. Your story isn't all that different from mine. In a perfect world I would have been born a woman. Next lifetime maybe. There are plenty of "guy" things I like, plenty I don't. I love doing girlie-girl, yet have no problems with doing a brake job on my Blazer. I cannot change who and what I was, since so much of that is part of who I am today.

I first started taking on the trans-beast, for real, 6 years ago. Decades ago, in my early twenties, I twice experimented with transition. Twice I opted to try being a normalish guy. This time I don't see that happening. Yet I have no idea if or when anything will.

A BIG part of transitioning for me has been simply just getting to know me, feeling good about being me. Actually believing I am worthy of all the great gifts I have in my life. No easy feat. Somedays it is a struggle. Unlearning a lifetime of unhealthy thinking aint easy. Yet today I am largely finally happy being in my own skin. Happy just being me.

An important thing I must always keep in mind, and often need the 2x4 up the side of the head over, is stop thinking, worrying, or trying to control the future. If what I am doing today is working, then it is working. Will going full-time help me feel a bit more genuine? Sure... provided I don't loose my job, my wife, the respect of my coworkers that rely on me. All extremely important aspects of me, as well as the female aspect. Today, thankfully, I do not "Need" to transition. Unlike, I believe, every member of my support group that has, I am not looking at a choice between suicide or transitioning.

I do see now how badly I was handling, actually NOT Handling, being trans. When things look down and I slip into a "WTF am I doing???" funk, reminding myself that I know what does not work pretty much leaves out chucking all that I am doing to make my life work. Yeah, it is scary, confusing, highly emotional at times. But I rather enjoy having emotions beside anger. Feeling emotions is such a new and scary thing some days.

Finding that place of happiness does not necessarily mean having to fully transition and live full-time as a woman. Methods of coping with GD are just as infinite as there are degrees of GD. For me, the old cruising sailor adage rings true, "It is about the journey, not the destination".

[TrishaJane323]

Thank you so much for writing!  A lot of what you wrote somewhat reflects the spiritual journey I have been on for a while... alongside my gender... 

[jeni]

Hi TrishaJane,

I really loved reading your post, thanks for taking the time to write it up. It makes perfect sense to me, because I am sitting here going through a lot of the same feelings, worries, fears, and excitement that you describe. I'm new here, too, and new to giving a voice to parts of me that I've been hiding for a long time.

I really understand what you mean about the "I want to be a girl" voice as a pre-teen. You aren't the only one who stayed up at night with those sorts of thoughts. For me, it was vivid, recurring fantasies of a device that could give me a sex change and then change everyone's memories so they'd think I'd always been a girl. It feels silly, but this amazing piece of technology was conveniently built into a stuffed bear, IIRC. Dunno, maybe there's a market for something like that?

These feelings never really went away. I've been, on balance, pretty happy as a man. I've had long-term, stable, sexual relationships with women and enjoyed them. But through it all, I have had that voice there. Every time I see a department store ad, I go through the women's sections. I used to think I was looking to get off on the panty and bra models (ok, and maybe I did once or twice or...) but I've come to realize I'm mostly jealous.

Like you, I'm as completely straight as a male as I think it's possible to be. Sex between men is not interesting or appealing to me. I have a slight inkling that I might be open to sex with men if I were a woman, but I don't think I would be interested in a serious relationship. It's a bit moot, though, because I have the extraordinary luck to be married to perhaps the most encouraging, understanding woman a lesbian trans female could ask for. (She's careful not to put pressure on me, but I think she's at least as excited by the prospect of my transitioning as I am.)

So that's a blessing, but there is plenty else to worry about, right? I'm sitting here at 4am (can't sleep...) in a flurry of conflicting emotions. One moment I'm feeling that excitement I think you're talking about, then it's panic about the cost and process of getting rid of facial hair, then it's exhilaration from finally realizing that I *can* choose to be the woman I should be, oops and then back to panic about whether I'll be giving up my career.

I don't know about you, but for me, I know these feelings will not ever go away. After more than a quarter century of 'em, they're with me, and it's finally gotten through my thick skull that these aren't persistent urges that every "normal" cis-gendered person has to bury. It's finally sunk in that, as much as I might prefer it to be otherwise, I'm a girl where it counts most, and there's nothing that can be done about that. The amazing thing that I've finally realized, though, is that I WOULDN'T prefer it to be otherwise. I love it, I absolutely love it. It's who I am, it's who I need to be, why would I prefer to keep that bottled up?

The real world is messy though, so just realizing that doesn't solve the problem. I'm trying to take JoanneB's wisdom to heart, because I think what she's said is really valuable. Like her, I am in a place where not transitioning is a viable (but disappointing) option. That means some really tough decisions. I spent part of the evening dreaming about shopping for blouses and getting some girly earrings, which sounds amazing. But I also like having a stable, well-paying job that can support my family. Well, ok that's not really a fair comparison because there really is a lot more of my happiness at stake than just getting to shop for women's clothing. But for me, it's not a question of life or death.

So anyway, you asked for thoughts and those are what I'm thinking. I hope they're helpful or at least interesting. Incidentally, it doesn't sound to me like you're confused, just uncertain. You and me both, sister.

[TrishaJane323]

Amazing... even more stuff to read that sounds familiar.   Reading ads from the Sunday paper goes back to childhood before I could even buy anything.  Id look at things and say to myself... one day.

Knowing that so much of me is already feminine (inside) and finally accepting that and being happy about it is good.  What to do, if anything, about my appearance and everyday life.  I dont HAVE to do anything.  Im new to even allowing myself to feel okay on the inside so thats a huge step.  Took so long for me to even consider that there may in fact be NOTHING wrong with me.  For the longest time I havent allowed that to be a possibility.   Let alone the fears of what a female partner would even think about all this...  so having come to the point in life to be as I am... thats new.  Im not saying I am not working on flaws or being the best person I can be.  Its just what I dont see as a flaw...  thats really new.

[TrishaJane323]

Jeni... you are so lucky to be married to someone accepting!   That has to put you at ease in some respects.

The career aspect could work out for me.  I dont have a career.  Worked so many jobs, mostly factory, I can do a lot from experience.   Yet I cant stand it anymore.  I never finished college but if I were to go back I would factor in all of the above.  Office work and maybe even something that is more than accepting of being trans..

All down the road.  For now just being happy and taking things slow is a must.  I am finally going to be decorating my own place, doing my own thing, reading, watching whatever I want...In whatever I want to wear.  Although I am already feeling like its just the beginning for me.  After all this time to be at the beginning of something.

The HRT route is on my mind constantly.   Ive already thought hard at hiding the transition as long as I could.  Yet Im not going to rush into it.  Nor am I 100% sure I am going to go that route.

Thank you so much Jeni and Joanne for writing!  It means so much.  I look forward to hearing more from people here and chatting with them!

[TrishaJane323]

There are many things in my life that need addressing before I can seriously consider HRT.  A lot of which is outside of this topic all together, but if changed can help with the whole picture.

As far as appearance there is a lot I can do in the meantime.   3 years ago I was 165lbs (at 6 foot...) and now I am 180 (and slowly dropping) due to training.  Being that I cycle and run I will keep my lower body mass and form.  I am no longer training upper body.  I dont need that strength for any part of my life.  Other things like hair romoval in the more permanent way might be addressed too.  All in all though this is a wonderful time for me.

Question. ..

I dont hate my body.  Not as a male.  I would however rather live my life female.  Say I start HRT... will the slow loss of male appearance and the slow transition to female appearance cause a real problem mentally?  Or will the feminine side of things make me feel more at ease with myself?  Probably a dumb question....

[JoanneB]

The HRT route is on my mind constantly.   Ive already thought hard at hiding the transition as long as I could.  Yet Im not going to rush into it.  Nor am I 100% sure I am going to go that route.

Low dose HRT has been a life saver for me several times. Just enough for what I call "The Brain Rest". A few moths later the world doesn't look so dark. I can/will be "Normal"... ish. Worked great for about decade. When you think it, plenty of time to try to sort things out. That is, provided you dare to.

The ONLY thing I regret in my life is avoidance of the root cause. Easy to say NOW that I know I was doing it.... Still am when you get right down to it. Thankfully not nearly as much as I was. Actually... That is who I was then which is what led to me being who I am today.

Figuring who you are, how you got to be where you are today, and where you think you want to be... Today; are extremely difficult questions. After 6 years I barely have a handle on them. Who I am today is far different from from the person I was 2 years ago. The person I was 6 years was a light year away. What my desires and dreams are... some different, some the same, some in conflict.

C'est la Vie

One day at a time

[jeni]

Not a dumb question. I wonder the same thing!

[TrishaJane323]

Thank you Jeni!

The long term employment thing is on my mind constantly.   I wouldnt be able to continue here and wouldnt want to.  I have to survive on my own.  Of course the starting a family thing one day could happen if I take proper measures to preserve what I need to.  The more I think of friends and family... the ones that care might judge initially but otherwise would eventually get over it... I think.  Friends... dont have many and I could use a few new ones.

HRT doesnt scare me in the least bit when I dont factor in the outside world or the above statements.  When I think of this step is a calm excitement of whats to come.   I should get to work on the employment change so I could possibly start a low dose before my 33rd birthday (15ish months from now).

[jeni]

I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel like the hard part is easy and the easy part is hard. The biggest impediments to my knowing exactly what I want to do are the external factors. I think that reflects the sad state of the world with respect to ->-bleeped-<- (and, really, almost any form of "different").

But... as they say, life finds a way.

[airamyb]

I have the same concerns about external factors. How would I: go to a Yoga class, explain my condition to a 65-yo aviation medical examiner, deal with work, family, build a career, etc?

My therapist asked me if nirvana is reality, I said I'd cryobank, start  HRT ,have a well-paying academic or flying job, find a great woman for a relationship and jump betweet genders as I please.

Alas, back to reality and trying to find a path that fits into the comprehensive picture of my life.

[TrishaJane323]

All these huge outside factors!  Maybe they wouldnt be so huge in the end...  Its funny because my lack of contentment with job, money, friendships were not mattering too me much at all.  Yet I started getting real honest with myself about HRT and now I am wanting to change jobs...fix this and that...  I feel like there is a reason for that.  Doing the one thing that I wanted since childhood brings with it some life goals.  Ones that I have been seriously lacking in..

[jeni]

I've found myself able to do what feels like thousands of things I wanted to do but couldn't do before, and all that's changed since two weeks ago is I shaved some places I didn't used to shave and finally accepted who I am. So it's got to be one or the other that's responsible...

And I don't even mean gender-related things. I can address people by name. I can stop someone I don't normally talk to in the hallway and thank them for a project they coordinated. I don't find myself stuck on the couch at home when I know I should be helping with the chores. I can talk through awkward silences with my supervisor. I'm not terrified of making a mistake or saying something "stupid." More than anything, I can feel my feelings as they happen.

I really had no idea how much damage this secret was doing to me. It makes sense, though. How could I be in touch with my thoughts and desires when I was suppressing the most powerful one of all?

[TrishaJane323]

Jeni thats amazing!  I find talking here and being honest with myself is helping with interactions too.  Im growing up I suppose.  Feeling comfortable with myself finally.  I care what I think of myself more than what others judge in me.  So that right there helps with the perception of me.  Im not even outwardly girly looking at the moment but working with mostly men.  If there was a survey of who is the biggest girl in the shop.... ME!  Lol..

Its funny you wrote what you did and I started with a new post on accepting myself as I relearn what I already knew!  Amazing!

[TrishaJane323]

Yesterday was a tough day.  Wanting to be in a better place to live, finances, ect they were all getting to me.  So this morning I woke up as it got brighter outside and decided to have a cup of coffee and then go shopping.  So I did.  I typed up a list in my phone.  Things for Christmas ect were on this list, but then I also put a few girly things that I wanted.  I went to a few stores.  I used my phone as my list.  I picked out some new mens skinny jeans, but from there went to the womens department.  I picked out some yoga pants that I would wear when I got back home (under my mens workout pants lol) and I also got a few new pairs of undies.  I looked at shoes and found a really cute pair of heels.  They didnt have my size!  I was so bummed cause they would have went really well with my dress slacks and blouse that I wear.  Ohh well.

I worked out today.  I've managed to lose 4lbs so far this month.  So now I just look like a really ripped skinny guy.  Thankfully I have not lost any size off my calves, thights, or butt.  My waist is down a half inch.  What to do with these 46inch shoulders?!?!  :-(

So tonight I am just hanging out with me.  Here in my little space.  Once things quiet down around here I will slip something nice on under my clothes and maybe sit in my room here and watch a movie. 

This process is long and I will learn to enjoy the journey.  HRT is a ways off for me.  As is therapy.  I'm not really in need of it.  I do not hate my body right now, other than how freakin manly it can look at times.  Ohh well its a good cover while having a completely smooth body and slightly longer nails.

I've been working on my journal and typing up goals and rules for my life.  I feel so inspired although I have my moments where I feel like things won't work out.  We'll see what happens, but I am going to be putting an immense amount of work into things before HRT.

The plan is work a lot where I am now and pay for things like hair removal and a few things with a dermatologist.  Save money ect.  Try to use that to get through my days. 

Any ideas on keeping myself moving forward and inspired while being extremely stealth? 

[jeni]

Sorry to hear it was a tough day, but it sounds like you got a lot out of it nonetheless.

Even though you don't feel like you "need" therapy right now, I would suggest considering giving it a try. It has done wonders for me, and might give you a safe place and audience to talk about some of the things you're posting about here. For me, my confidence in coming out and planning a transition has exploded as I've been talking about it with the voice *outside* my head.

Sorry about the heels! Maybe you could find your size online?

[ImagineKate]

If you're buying men's skinny jeans why not just buy women's? They're really not all that different.

[TrishaJane323]

Couldnt find the size online.  Would only let me order up to a size 8 which is too small.  I hear what youre saying about skinny jeans.  Its new for me, the skinny jean thing, being I lost some weight.  I work around all men so Ill get flack for the jeans I got.  Lol!

Hmmm... Therapy may be in order by springtime.  Get a few things paid down and it would be to have an outlet.  I am thankful I joined this site and get to read so much.  Helps me not feel alone for sure!!

[TrishaLynn323]

...So ultimately I decided to update my name.  I have been planning on things, reading the legal stuff here, and got to thinking about the name thing.  Anyhow... same ol me just updated name.  Still having a few rough feelings about all this but trying to focus on building a life so I can transition easier.  Hopefully low dose HRT within the next few years...