Why do we blow up things so much...

[PinkCloud]

Maybe it is something innate to the human mind, not sure, but we as trans* seem to blow up things and make things worse than they actually are. Having had SRS and looking back, I don't know why there is so much fear and anticipation for it. I find a trip to the dentist more taxing actually. Why is it that we think we need FFS? Why do we think we don't pass? why this constant paranoia about how we look? or what people think? why do we zoom in on our flaws, instead of our assets? why do we get all worked up if others don't gender us correctly? where does gender dysphoria ends, and body dysmorphia start? do they feed each other?

I think the common factor seems to be... insecurity?

would love to hear your thoughts...

[awilliams1701]

I think everyone has something about themselves that they can't stand. Even super models that have millions of men drooling over there images have issues. I think its just human nature.

[Lostkitten]

Well, I cannot agree with everything you state. SRS also scares me. Sure, I will go trough it (eventually) and don't think too much about it, but it scares me. Surgeries scare me. I never had surgery and never even stayed in a hospital so I think it is normal it scares me .

Today a person mentioned I was an interesting guy. Of course I rather had heard girl but he was just trying to compliment me and that is very much appreciated. Wanting to be addressed correctly is normal, we never chose to be transgender. But the difference should be seen when someone is just being polite and complimenting you, or when someone wants to harm you.

I have started quite a few threads on this forum but I do try to put some positivism to it also. Who do you think the other looks like most? (compliments), how do you think the world can change (positive forward look), funny awkward moments with transitioning (taking it all less heavy). The threads die out or end up having endless long discussions about negativity. Which really is a shame.

Once during my collage a girl came to me asking about transitioning and I pointed out to her how important it is to first be at ease with who she is, before she transitions. Transitioning does not make it easier, if anything it will be even harder. First work on yourself before considering HRT. I doubt she did what she did because of what I said ages ago but now she became a lot more confident, seen as a guy on the streets even while not on HRT yet and I do not know what she will do but if she starts now, she will pull trough.

Now each their own and my way isn't the best way, but I truly believe a lot start transitioning with the wrong mindset. A magic pill making everything better. But if you don't like your nose now, neither will you after your transitioning, as an example.

[Carrie Liz]

Going through a puberty that you never wanted to go through in the first place, having your sense of bodily comfort mercilessly ripped out of your hands with no way of ever getting it completely back, plus a lifetime of being teased, plus the societal stigmas about "passing," plus the minority stress that comes from being found out as a trans person, does SERIOUSLY bad things to mess with your head.

And I deal with all of these feelings, so yeah...

It seems to me like a vast majority of post-transition people eventually reach the point where they're settled in life and have accepted themselves for who they are, and thus the fears and worries don't really happen. Pre-transition, though, and even up through the first several months of full-time, when everything is new and scary and you're still not completely confident, you're like a teenager. Your mind never freaking shuts up because you're still learning to navigate this new world. You're always worried about what other people think of you, feeling like you have a target on your forehead, and it takes a long time to once again learn that it's okay to just be you without worrying about it. And especially in regards to SRS... even though I'm dealing with near-constant genital dysphoria and am therefore pretty sure that I want it, it scares the s*** out of me. You're wondering if it REALLY is what you want, since it's a permanent decision, and hearing about the emotional hell that some people go through while recovering, and worrying about how it's going to feel, and whether it's really going to be everything you've always believed it would be or not, and worrying about whether dilation is going to be a pain, and worried about complications... it's what we humans do. When confronted with a potentially problematic situation, our minds start spinning around at a mile a minute trying to make sure we're prepared for every single possible outcome, and it's hard to stop because there's so much uncertainty. Once you've gone through it and thus know exactly what it was like, it seems silly, I'm sure. But before, with nothing but hypotheticals ahead, I don't see how one could not be going crazy with their mind racing in a million different directions all at once.

[BunnyBee]

You're kind of talking about a witches brew of ingredients working together in evil ways.  When you hate your body because it doesn't fit a mold of perfection, that's society's doing, because of how it values appearance in women over anything else about them.  Body dysmorphia comes from this need to be perfect, which makes us focus on our flaws until our perception of them becomes absolutely disproportionate to reality.  Body dysmorphia then can trigger all kinds of dysphoria, which is basically the reaction we have to any feedback that tells us our station in life does not match who we are at a very core and fundamental level.

So this is how it can work.  Saturday I felt fine about myself. Sunday I watched a show with this beautiful woman with impossible hair and skin, and she just looked amazing.  When I looked at myself in the mirror, I naturally and subconsciously compared my reflection to the standard this woman had set in my mind, and I saw a monster.  I don't know about you, but when I see a monster in the mirror, it triggers all kinds of dysphoria and it just wrecks me.  I was so crushed.  I found myself feeling things I hadn't felt in a long time, where I couldn't even bring myself to leave my home because I was embarrassed to be seen.   Then Monday came and I felt fine about myself again.

So then you asked why does this happen?   I wish I knew.   I watch this show every week and it triggers nothing.  I actually haven't even contended with much dysphoria in a long time.  Why this week did it do that to me?   Maybe I was having a bad hair day, maybe my outfit wasn't working for me like I wanted it to, maybe I was feeling a little depressy that day to begin with, maybe all of the above.   It's just a swirling morass and it's hard to pin it down to this or that thing.  But yeah, these things all work together in this horrible synergy with each other.

[Lostkitten]

I think many with gender dysphoria have been bullied at some point for not fitting in. I do can understand and also often feel the fears.. but if you finally do change into the you, you want to be, then why not become happier with it as well? Shouldn't everything turn into the positive instead of the negative?

[suzifrommd]

Most of us were socialized as one gender but carry the brain characteristics of another. We're a volatile mix of gender characteristics. A lot of us have a woman's sensitivity but a man's aggressiveness.

Explosive.

[mrs izzy]

Lack of trust i feel is the fore front of fear and fear is over shadow of passing.

We can not even trust those that gone before that they have wisdom that would make life easier.

Back to trust.

Confidence is trust in ones self.

[Lady_Oracle]

Maybe it is something innate to the human mind, not sure, but we as trans* seem to blow up things and make things worse than they actually are. Having had SRS and looking back, I don't know why there is so much fear and anticipation for it. I find a trip to the dentist more taxing actually.

I think its more than ok to have some sort of fear towards grs, its a major surgery that could have some serious complications. I will eventually have the surgery myself however I can't help but worry something might go wrong cause the probability is there and the negative consequences are very real.

[peky]

we all suffer to some degree of post-traumatic stress disorder...
were are hypersensitive and hyper vigilant...
we are harsh judges of other trans or cis...
but also we are overachievers...and we seek to over compensate for our perceived or real short comings...
we can be very compasionate and empathetic... and yet cruel and distant...

I believe we are unique and different from the cis humans... that our unique brain configuration give a distinct advantage over the cis-folks

[PinkCloud]

Thank you for your replies, While the topic is somewhat cryptic, those are some amazing points of view so far. 


I've seen it with the real life trans* friends I spent some time with some years back. They all were insecure, constantly saying that everyone looks at and talks about them. But when I look at them I think: what are you talking about? I see a woman. However, I do the same. I also fuel the same negative narrative in my head. And that needs to stop. I am almost 5 years in my transition, and I need to have more self-esteem. So today I at down in front of the mirror for 30 minutes. Instead of looking at my flaws, I tried to find  the things I did like. And to consciously absorb and focus on them. I found many: my eyes, cheeks, lips, hair look very feminine. It seems to work. The longer I look at individual bits, a more complete picture of myself unfolds. And somehow I need to trust that I look okay.

[Alex2020T]

I'm in the early stages of transition, so maybe I haven't developed the same anxieties - yet?! But...I don't give a flying whatsit whether I 'pass' or am accepted by other people. I intend to be relentlessly selfish throughout my transition - I'm doing this for me Me ME!

I'm powerless over the way other people choose to conduct themselves. If they're bigoted and parochial, well, the problem is entirely theirs - unfortunately not all humans have evolved to the same extent

[Alex2020T]

You may have a different view if you are frequently misgendered, treated disrespectfully, denied opportunities for equal work / pay / promotion, or just simply taken as a non-human. It is not our fault, but why would you compromise your level of functioning?

Good luck. Remember the actions of others do have impact on you and if you don't live alone or have dependents, your loved ones, too.

Yeah, I'm sure you're right. A lot of my previous reply is bravado. In my defence - wine has been consumed! If the time ever comes when I feel confident enough to present full time as female, I'm certain I'll have a completely different perspective. Best wishes.

[Alex2020T]

with respect, I also had some wine, except now I'm nursing a hangover...best wishes to you, too. sorry about my crappy attitude. drinking wine and being sick don't go well together especially if I had to get back to work the following morning (like, now)

Your attitude is fine - you were right to call me out on my initial response. Oh, and good luck with the hangover thing - now that is something I definitely do know a great deal about

[Lostkitten]

The only thing what really, really bothers me is that at the start of my transition, I knew a transgender. She came to school as a guy and told no one and thus, everyone spoke to her with he and him. This bothered her of course but back then.. I just couldn't understand. It is just a word, a term, how can it hurt so much?

Now two years further it bothers me way too much if someone calls me by my old name, saying he or him even if they are family and have done so for years. That is something I have been blowing up without meaning to do so and I wish I could switch it off x___x.

[GnomeKid]

Yea.. for me the fear is medical/health related effects... things that could go wrong ect.  as one would feel with any surgery/medication (hormones). 

As far as why we blow up the social aspects of our lives that are even the slightest bit related to transition... I blame anxiety.

I'd say its probably impossible to be trans and never experience periods of anxiety... which can tend to make us blow things our of proportion

[Tessa James]

Good question.  We can be so very dramatic and then, what is more dramatic than this transition? 

I confess to previously having an internalized transphobia.  I knew other transgender people while being part of the LGBTQ world for decades.  The trans people I met then seemed over the top with need and style.  They often seemed to suck the oxygen out of the room when at a diversity committee meeting.  I felt that just couldn't be me.  Now I am one of those with a dramatic life change and verbose to the point of annoying some people I care about.  I am responsible for my behavior but cannot discount the hormonal and cultural influences we deal with.  And then don't forget the entertainment value as we do love a good story eh?  And fear is so very potent especially when festering away unchallenged for decades in darkness and isolation.  Here is safe place to bring our anxieties, fears and triumphs to share.  It's a good thing to do but are we an accurate reflection of most transgender people or only those who need a place to vent and share?

We can aspire to total confidence and mere indifference when misgendered but I'm not yet there either.  We are works in process and hopefully progressing toward greater tranquility and equanimity. Now what does the Queen say about staying calm? 

[Tessa James]

Ouch, that sounds so judgmental and misogynist.  Why shouldn't any woman have a strong ego and reasonably expect respect?

Happy Solstice

[LizMarie]

Two points:

1. A cisgender woman last year wrote a short piece (wish I could find it again!) about how much she appreciated her transgender sisters because they inspired her to throw off her lack of self-confidence. I found that interesting.

2. I think the original poster nailed it out the gate - insecurity. Almost all of us wish we could be seen as who we really are and we fear being labeled as a freak.

[Peebles]

I consciously don't, I'm pretty chill at a rational level.

However, emotions ain't rational. I get emotional over really stupid things now even when I know they are stupid.

I wouldn't be able to tell you why my emotions do that, they are beyond my rational comprehension. I don't let my emotions control me, but they can anyway.