dating heterosexual guys as a pre op/non op

[ana1111]

one of the things that scared me the most to transition was believing no one would date or like me...I thought to myself gay guys definitely wont want me(not that they did before hand, I was too femme for them) and I figured straight guys wouldn't want me either especially pre op which I wasn't sure when I would ever get surgery let alone if I even wanted it.. still don't know if I will get it but that's another thread.. I saw shows like jerry springer where the trans girls would confess to there bf about them being trans and the guy would get really mad and it scared me... but what I've really realized is that being trans is not the dating death sentence I once thought it was... actually my dating life is waaay better as a transwoman than it ever was as a confused feminine gay boy... so basically im making this thread for two reasons;  one I want to tell girls that are worried about this don't ever feel that you'll never find anyone as a transwoman whether your pre op , non op or post op and don't feel like every guy that's into you only wants sex because I thought that for a while and it became like a self fulfilling prophecy until I finally stopped thinking that...don't feel like no guy will ever introduce you to his family or friends because it will happen and you can have normal relationships.. Everytime im on this forum the only thing related to dating and relationships seems to be directed toward lesbian identified older women who are married, and im sure im not the only girl who doesn't really fit that description.. so if anyone wants to comment there advice, opinions, or experiences on dating straight guys when pre op feel free to comment 

[BunnyBee]

My experience has been that yes you can def find straight guys even if you are pre-op.  I did experience a lot of rejection once I told guys that expressed interest, but that was probably half because I told them up front instead of waiting a few dates in, which I know if I waited till there was an actual connection some of those would have turned out differently.  But... Idk, I just didn't want to mess with getting my hopes up.  But then I realized that by doing it the way I was, I was basically filtering for guys that might be in to me just BECAUSE I'm trans, which was a depressing thought to me, because I don't really identify that way, so I kinda gave up.

But even doing it the dumb way I did, I still found several that didn't care.  Ofc I decided that none of them were right for me, but I kind of think being able to make that decision was a priviledge.  Like, I don't have to settle, you know?

[Just Shelly]

I can honestly say that my dating life has also been better than when I was "something else" lol But I also never dated much before my marriage and never after my divorce until just recently the last 2 years.

I have seemed to attract a broad range of men, and most have been very nice. NONE of these men have known anything about my past life. So once sex comes into play, and I tell them its a no go....then they go!! I have only been upfront with one man, and that was because he and I were falling in love with each other. It killed me to tell him!!! And the outcome was what I expected....he's gone! But he has remained a friend....or at least a FB friend :/

The 3 months I had with him were as normal and wonderful as any other women would feel, he introduced me to friends, family and even came with me to church....all the things a normal relationship should have....until I told him After telling him, I told him it was his choice if he felt the need to inform others about me, he hasn't as far as I know. In fact I ran into one of his friends recently and he started to hit on me....hence the reason I am fairly sure he didn't tell anyone.

I will disagree though, with the fact that men can be in a relationship without sex. I don't say this to bash on men, its just human nature. There are some like the man I dated that could wait a length of time....but then that gets old. I completely understand this! A healthy relationship does include sex....and I wish I could provide that experience for them......and myself!!

I have changed my dating style to that of just casual dating and not trying to get too serious....its hard though when you meet someone you really like. I must then be upfront or just break off all ties without a reason...both of these scenarios SUCK!!

[awilliams1701]

I haven't had a lot of luck in this area trans or not. I put my dating life on hold for years trying to sort my life out and only resumed about 2 years ago. I've had exactly 1 date since and that was back in march. I'm not sure what happened because the date went well and we still talked after that, but she stopped talking to me about a week after. Not long after that I came to terms with being trans and I too looked at it as being a death sentence in my dating life. I figured lesbians will see me as a man since I'm still early on and only started HRT 2 weeks ago. I've had a couple of girls talk to me, but it hasn't led to anything and I think they were bisexual. I'm ok with bisexuals and think its my best chance, but lesbian and bisexuals seem to be in short supply around here and honestly the dating pool in my area didn't seem all that large to begin with. OK Cupid frequently tells me "That's all we could find based on your settings". My settings are online within a month, girls interested in girls, and within 50 miles.

Fortunately since coming to terms with being trans, I'm not nearly as lonely as I was and its no where near as important finding someone at this point, but I still wonder how hard its going to be to find someone in the next few years.

[ana1111]

the difference is im always one hundred percent upfront with the guy right away... if we met online its one of the first things on my dating profile if I met in person first I would tell them very soon... some of the guys have been specifically "trans attracted" guys (which in my opinion there's nothing wrong with a guy who likes transsexuals as long as he doesn't just wanna use you or only likes you for one reason) and some of them have been regular guys who won't at all just into me because I was trans but were able to look past it... basically I think that its a much better strategy telling people before hand... its made my life ten times more stress free. Also I never did say that men are ok being in a relationship without sex, I think its a comfort level thing though, some girls want to abstain from all sex until they get surgery but in my opinion theres plenty you can do pre op without having to use anything... just saying.. hope I didn't say anything against the rules here

[TSJasmine]

Honestly when I was younger & first started to transition, I thought the same. I thought no one would want me because gay guys like men & I was way too girly to be a man. I didn't learn about how easy it was to date as a TS til I was a tgirl for like 2 years. I had sexual experiences but now a days it's a LOT easier. Maybe that's just because I'm not a mess anymore lol & I honestly can't relate with the lesbian women either tbh :p Well, not in the sexual category. I'll keep it strictly dickly

[BunnyBee]

The ideal situation for pre-ops would be to find a "trans attracted" guy that isn't all ->-bleeped-<-y, meaning gonna turn you into his fetish, or a very open-minded straight guy.  Both probably are easier for younger women than me to find.  But I will say I did find a few that passed the first-blush creep test that were open to the reality of my situation.

Obviously, post-op many options become available. But that isn't an option for me yet.

[ana1111]

rightb now id say im with a guy who's "trans attracted" but not all "->-bleeped-<-" and before I was dating an open minded straight guy.. so ya id say those are the main options lol

[ana1111]

heres how I see it.. I don't want a guy who's only attracted to me because of my uh...part, but I also don't want a guy who only likes me cause of a surgery I had... call it unrealistic but that's how I feel...

[BunnyBee]

I am the same, I would say

[missymay]

rightb now id say im with a guy who's "trans attracted" but not all "->-bleeped-<-" and before I was dating an open minded straight guy.. so ya id say those are the main options lol

My husband is a "trans attracted" guy, but definitely not a ->-bleeped-<-; we've been together since 2007 <3

[ana1111]

that's awesome missymay!

[Jaz650]

I dated the love of my life for two years without him knowing. He met my family, I met his, we were very happy, unfortunately our relationship came to an end, and he never knew. It's now been three years, and I'm engaged to a new guy. He's very much straight. He met me believing I was cis gender, but in the end accepted me. He has never even mentioned sex. It all depends where you are looking.

[missy1992]

I'm only 22 and can't say my dating has been the best. I am always apprehensive of dating and hooking up with men because I am scared of rejection. Scared of telling them. I am also post op but I do have some scarring down there that I am afraid of. Lots of hook ups but few connections. I'll pay close attention to this thread to give me hope maybe.

[Jo-is-amazing]

I'm 18 and I've never been in a relationship. It's one of those things im terrified about and honestly until recently never considered the possibility that anyone could ever be attracted to me. That's got a lot.to do with my own shame and internalised transphobia so hopefully it's only a matter.of time till I find a bf who wants to be with me

[BunnyBee]

My husband is a "trans attracted" guy, but definitely not a ->-bleeped-<-; we've been together since 2007 <3

Congrats!  That's wonderful!

[FairyHime]

For me, I started the process of transition with the idea in mind that I wouldn't date for years, until it felt right and I felt perfect. Also had the mentality I'd still be dating girls.

However, what wound up happening instead is that coming out led to my personality pretty much exploding outwardly and me becoming more noticeable. So this one guy approached me, we started talking like every day for months and then he asked me out knowing my situation and being hetero and attracted to girls. And this was long before I was able to start HRT.
From my side, after coming out girls became progressively less interesting and guys more and more ... attractive. And with him having super attractive qualities to me (multi-lingual, nerdy and smart, healthy), I really didn't stand a chance.

Couple days ago he pulled out the L word. Makes me very happy and dazes me as I don't even know how to deal with the intensity of the emotions. It all happened so quickly @_@

[PinkCloud]

I think every woman struggles with this, to some extend.

Being post-op, I don't think I can have a relationship in the sense of being together 24/7. I like my own privacy, freedom and I need much time to be alone. If I can see my guy a couple of days a week, then I am happy. I can't see myself living with someone permanently, I am not like that and never will be. So it doesn't scare me to be alone. I also tell upfront what the deal is, and if he chooses to leave, I will respect him just as much. No secrets and no games for me.

[awilliams1701]

I didn't get into my first relationship until later when I was 18. The first two girls took advantage of me. The first one took advantage of me being suicidal (I haven't been in a very long time) and the second one knew that she wasn't very attractive so she pretended to be the perfect girl in every other way so that I would like her. The thing is before she found that opportunity I already liked her for her, but pretending to be someone she wasn't ruined it for me. Girl number 3 is really the only serious relationship I've ever been in. I loved her and we were even engaged. Unfortunately we had our share of problems that only got worse when she got pregnant and after she lost the baby things only got worse. I haven't been in a relationship since. We broke up back in December 2001. I've been single ever since. I'm not really sure what happened between 2002 and 2006, but after 2006 I chose to be single to get my life straightened up. I didn't start looking again until early 2013. I've had exactly one date that was back in March of this year. I don't know why my dating life is so dead, but it feels dead and buried. I feel like being early stage trans is only going to make it harder when it was already hard enough.

I'm 18 and I've never been in a relationship. It's one of those things im terrified about and honestly until recently never considered the possibility that anyone could ever be attracted to me. That's got a lot.to do with my own shame and internalised transphobia so hopefully it's only a matter.of time till I find a bf who wants to be with me

[ImagineKate]

I never had a serious relationship until I was 22. Then I married her. Then she divorced me because I was too short. (I'm 5'6" now, used to be 5'8"). Plus I think she was crazy and had lots of issues. She was seeing a psych at one time too who actually helped her break up with me.

Then it was a dating dry spell for a year or so. Most women found me unattractive and truth be told I just let myself go. I tried a few dating sites. They pretty much all were really bad experiences. Because of my height the "meat market" sites like match.com would yield very few responses. The fact is that most women on those sites look for men over 6'. I tried eHarmony. I met one girl from there but she had so many issues plus she never took care of herself. She also tried to drug me and rape me. I kind of ran from that one as fast as I could.

Then I met my wife, we got married a few years later and the rest is history. I really really love her but sadly she is a pretty staunch cis hetero.

Now I come out as trans and my wife is probably not going to stay with me. So I might be back in the ring again, looking for love... but I don't know if I want to, to be honest. I spent so much time hating myself and now I want to love myself and know myself better. Plus I have my kids to worry about and I want to be there for them not consumed in another marriage or long term relationship.