Excuse me while I get acquainted...

[Tessa James]

To be honest, the stress of  worrying how will they be treated in school also weighs heavily on me. Some people are like, "get with the times" we can "get with the times" all we want but there is no guarantee that my LO's won't be teased or harassed or treated like aliens for lack of a better word.

Yes, none of us can make any guarantees and so much depends on the people of your circle and community.  For many of us our fears morph into something impossible to deal with.  I thought I/we would be ostracized and run out of this rural area like the bride of frankenstein.   The truth was that most people are either supportive or unconcerned.  Our kids need our love and support and to recognize that will not change even as we all eventually do.  There are tremendous resources out there and being in NYC gives you fantastic options for where and who you associate with.  There are people for whom this is a normalized part of their lives and we get back to planning for holiday meals and who takes out the garbage this time;-)

[Broken-hearted]

My wife and I are together still.  She used to post on here, but really hasn't been on in forever because she says and seems to have accepted me.

Her username is dragonfly if you want to search for her posts.

To be honest I feel like coming out as a transsexual woman has been less of an impact on our marriage than my struggles with Bipolar, Generalized anxiety, and PTSD.

Jeneva, that's good to know that you guys are still together. I can't search now which is probably a good thing.  If I start searching, I'll become addicted. Thank you.

[SadPanda]

My heart is still crushed and I don't know what to do or ask still. I'm trying to give my son a happy Christmas, even though I am hating the holidays season right now. Everyone else seems to be happy except us... I still have not sent out our Christmas cards. Sometimes I want to throw them away. I know the future cannot be predicted, but when you tell your wife that you flat out want to be a woman, that hurts to such a degree that I cannot even process it. I read my husband's posts and he thinks he's on the right path... What path? A path with out me it feels like. I don't want a roommate, a sister, a BFF or anything like that. I want my husband. I can deal with the clothes and certain hygiene practices, but going full time woman is something I cannot do. I will kill me inside and I have no way to deal with that. 

[blueconstancy]

SadPanda : So much sympathy. I had a Christmas like that, and it was horrible.

Unfortunately, if you can't tolerate being married to a woman (and don't see that changing) and your spouse can't live without transitioning... there isn't a good answer. All I can say is that I truly feel for you. I was able to cope with losing my husband so long as I kept my spouse, but that's me, and even knowing I was bisexual and OK with being married to a woman didn't make transition much less excruciating.

[SadPanda]

I want a happy medium. Some way of compromise. Some way where we can still be married. I just cannot get any kind of answers. It's all up in the air. I am never good with such uncertainty. He says he won't do surgery but the idea of full time dress is "a possibility." This bothers me so much.

[SadPanda]

Id like to know what can/can't he tolerate. He doesn't know.

[blueconstancy]

SadPanda : Uncertainty is really, really tough, and erodes your mental stability over time. I'm so sorry you're living with that.

I hate to say it, but... reading back through Vicky's posts, I'm reminded of something I just said to a friend this past weekend. "If the only reasons someone has for not transitioning are external reasons [what will other people think, will it ruin my life, will I ever look good as my target gender], then eventually they are going to transition." I think you have to prepare for the worst from your perspective, that at the very least living full-time as a woman is on the table.

[SadPanda]

Why can there be no compromise though? I have sacrificed a lot in life as well. I put away so many of my wants, needs and dreams for the sake of others... for the sake of marriage and family. Do I regret this? Yes, but I would never uproot my marriage or family to do these things. Nothing is worth that. I love them too much.

[blueconstancy]

SadPanda : Maybe there can be some compromise, and I obviously cannot speak for your spouse; some trans people do manage to compromise. Of course, your spouse has to know what they want before you both can compromise about it, and you're back to the dreadful gnawing uncertainty...

(My wife was desperate about transition. It became clear to me that if she put it off for too much longer, she might end up suicidal. So in my personal situation, I've never wanted anything as badly as she did this - and if I do now, I suspect she'll be 100% behind me doing it.)

[Marcellow]

I want a happy medium. Some way of compromise. Some way where we can still be married. I just cannot get any kind of answers. It's all up in the air. I am never good with such uncertainty. He says he won't do surgery but the idea of full time dress is "a possibility." This bothers me so much.

Then your spouse is eventually going to go full time. We are giving you the answers you need to hear, there's a good possibility the marriage could go all up in smoke because a person's internal identity is something you can't exactly compromise forever and you're not willing under any circumstances to be with a woman. He might be willing to ease the choice for a while for your sake but eventually they will feel resentful and it's going to show in everyday life.

[Broken-hearted]

My heart is still crushed and I don't know what to do or ask still. I'm trying to give my son a happy Christmas, even though I am hating the holidays season right now. Everyone else seems to be happy except us... I still have not sent out our Christmas cards. Sometimes I want to throw them away. I know the future cannot be predicted, but when you tell your wife that you flat out want to be a woman, that hurts to such a degree that I cannot even process it. I read my husband's posts and he thinks he's on the right path... What path? A path with out me it feels like. I don't want a roommate, a sister, a BFF or anything like that. I want my husband. I can deal with the clothes and certain hygiene practices, but going full time woman is something I cannot do. I will kill me inside and I have no way to deal with that.

SadPanda, I'm sorry and I know how you feel. ((hugs))

This has been so painful to deal with. Most of the time I feel like I'm dealing with a death. Does that make sense? I feel like the husband I knew and loved has moved on and I'm left behind to pick up all the pieces.  I feel like I'm in mourning.

[Stochastic]

SadPanda, I'm sorry and I know how you feel. ((hugs))

This has been so painful to deal with. Most of the time I feel like I'm dealing with a death. Does that make sense? I feel like the husband I knew and loved has moved on and I'm left behind to pick up all the pieces.  I feel like I'm in mourning.

I am sending a big hug to you and SadPanda. It is likely that you are mourning the loss of your husband. That is what was explained to my wife by our therapist. I cry often knowing that she is going through this, but we both know, after spending decades of fighting dysphoria, that my well being is dependent on some form of transitioning. My wife and I plan to stick together because we deeply love each other, but are still working to overcome many challenges. As they say when climbing a mountain, you have many valleys and false peaks to get through before your reach the top.

This will be a very difficult time for both of you. Having a therapist is so important to help both of you to address mourning and loss in addition to coping with your new relationship post discovery. Please take good care of yourself.

[JulieL]

SadPanda and Broken-hearted, I just want to offer my deepest sympathy and virtual hugs () as you deal with this difficult time. All of your feelings and worries are valid and reasonable, and I hope you can find a way to work through them with your spouses. This isn't the life you pictured and it isn't fair. I hope your spouses can understand that and give you the space and support you need.

[Broken-hearted]

Id like to know what can/can't he tolerate. He doesn't know.

We are at the beginning stages too. In our case I believe he knows the answer to this only he doesn't want to share with me.

I should say that I know he discusses everything with his new friends, therapists, etc. he just not want to "deal" with me.

[JulieL]

We are at the beginning stages too. In our case I believe he knows the answer to this only he doesn't want to share with me.

I should say that I know he discusses everything with his new friends, therapists, etc. he just not want to "deal" with me.

That's just a bad sign for any relationship. Is couple's therapy an option? It sounds like you have communication and relationship issues to work through besides his transition. He needs to understand that if he wants a future with you that he needs to be open and honest and let you in.

[Jeneva]

Communication is key to any relationship, but it is VITAL during transition.

I've seen relationships in real life just dissolve because one side won't talk to the other.

[Broken-hearted]

Communication is key to any relationship, but it is VITAL during transition.

I've seen relationships in real life just dissolve because one side won't talk to the other.

Jeneva, I know that, you know that, even he knows that.  It's really sad because he says he knows he's supposed to talk to me but doesnt have a reason why he isn't.
I always ask him about that part of our relationship and sometimes he tells me things about me that he just made up saying, "well you said this..." And if I know it's untrue I will challenge him and ask when I said and what did I say? He will then remember what I said which is completely different from his version but exactly how I remembered things happening.

All joking aside, I think he has the wrong impression about me in his mind.  I can't even explain this. How could a person store alternate versions of real events in there head?
This makes no sense to me. I want to make sense out of it but I can't.

[Broken-hearted]

Blueconstancy: do you still have the links to other support groups you mentioned in one of your previous posts? 
Thank you!

[blueconstancy]

Broken-hearted : I'm so sorry, I went on vacation for the holidays.

The main support groups I use are  https://www.facebook.com/groups/Transmarriage/ , https://plus.google.com/communities/113055148953814149444 , http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/community/ , https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/engender_partners/info .

In addition, I'm a member of two "secret" Facebook groups, which means someone has to be invited to join by an existing member; I'm happy to do so, but I'd need you to PM me either your email address or FB account. (I'd never contact you or use that information except for the invite.)

[Broken-hearted]

Thanks so much Blueconstancy! I don't think I'm able to PM you since I'm blocked.