Excuse me while I get acquainted...

[Broken-hearted]

My husband came out as a transgender female a few months ago.  Although I have tried to get over it, I just can't do it yet. 

I'm not OK with it although I want to be.  So I looked around and found this place and was hoping to find answers if nothing else.  My main question would be do wives of transgender females ever become accepting of their spouse new chosen gender?
​
Are there other wives like me that ​are having a hard time coming to terms with this?

All I see is doom and gloom.  My husband doesn't see that.  I can't stop crying even after all this time so I think it may be time for me to get some type of help. 

New York City people please suggest institutions or sites online that would be available to spouses.

I'm not looking to get bashed for not going along with my husband's transition.  I'm just looking for help (for myself) at this point.  My husband doesn't want to answer questions I have so I'm afraid that he has either found someone else that's more accepting of him or is just not willing to help me understand whats going on with him.

Thank you

[awilliams1701]

While I'm not able to directly comment on this issue, I have spent a lot of time on this forum and seen similar posts. I've seen posts indicating that some significant others do accept their partner but most do not. Many of the ones that are accepted end up in a relationship that is vastly different than what they had. After unless your bisexual, your now in a relationship with someone of a gender that you aren't interested in. In some cases the relationship more or less stayed the same. I think in most of the best of cases they split up, but remain friends afterword and supportive to their ex.

[Broken-hearted]

Thank you for your reply.

I'm not bisexual. At least I don't think that I am.

Rosa

[blueconstancy]

Hi and welcome! You can check out my past posts for me being more long-winded... But the short story is that my wife transitioned 5 years ago now, and I was about where you are when it was only a few months in - crying constantly, miserable, stressed out, and terrified - but we're still happily married now. So, yes, it can be done. (In fact, the largest study on trans people to date shows that about 50% of relationships survive, and I personally know quite a few where the couple is still romantically involved and bonded after transition. There's even a handful of straight women in that group; they redefined their orientation to have one *very specific* exception, because nobody gets to define your orientation but you. However, that is definitely a much harder road to travel.)

My primary advice early on is not to worry too much about the future if you can, and try to focus on coping with what's on your plate right now; if you can still say that you genuinely want to be with your spouse for the time being, that's answer enough *for now.*

What sticks out to me about your post, though, is that your spouse is not interested in helping you. I have to say, that's usually a bad sign - transition or not, lack of communication and failure to be considerate and take your wife's needs into account is a problem! Hopefully he'll get over it when he's past the initial stages himself, but you do have a right to your own feelings, and to make it clear to him that he needs to meet you more than halfway on this. The problem is that early transition can be a really selfish stage, when the trans person is so focused on how happy this makes them that they're ignoring everyone around them.

I'm afraid I don't have any good NY resources (though I agree that you looking for therapy and other help for yourself is wise!), but I can send you a PM with links to some online support groups on FB, G+, and Yahoo! if you want. You won't be able to reply to the PM unless you have 15 posts, but that's OK; I won't expect you to.

Good luck, and yes, even though it can get better - in the meantime, feel free to vent here!

awilliams, you mean well, but please, don't contribute to the doom and gloom.

[mrs izzy]

Broken-hearted
Welcome to Susan's family.
There are a few here that should have information to help. We have a spouse boards that i would recommend that you check out. It truly is hard on both of you in the relationship being neither one wishes the marriage to end. Communication that is honest would be my suggestion of support. I wish you both find happiness.
Pull up a chair and give a look over the following links for site info...

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Safe passage on your path, popcorn?

Izzy
Forum News: new for our members under 18 a new safe place just for you. Youth talk.

[Jeneva]

My wife and I are together still.  She used to post on here, but really hasn't been on in forever because she says and seems to have accepted me.

Her username is dragonfly if you want to search for her posts.

To be honest I feel like coming out as a transsexual woman has been less of an impact on our marriage than my struggles with Bipolar, Generalized anxiety, and PTSD.

[Broken-hearted]

Thank you all for taking time to answer my post. I appreciate it. I don't go online much (at least not as much as my husband). So I may take a little time to respond.  I also work full time and have some small children at home.

I think the worst part of this happening is that the kids are so young. I wonder how their father's transformation will impact their development.  I don't think that's unfair or even wrong to ask that. Is it?

My personality has always been to put others first and put my needs and wants aside.  But this is going to take some getting used to.

Before I go on I have to mention my husband is the love of my life.  When he is happy usually I am happy. What changed for me not to be happy now?  He changed. Or is in the process of changing. He doesn't even look like himself anymore. At least not to me. 
He's known about his disposition ALL of his life (so says he). I understand that's the case with so many struggling with this.  But I just found out recently. Don't I need time to come to terms with this?

Blueconstancy: I know you said try not to think about the future. That's all I ever do. I never really learned how
to live for just today. Maybe I can try that and see how it might improve things.

I have more to say but I will do that later. Thank you again

[blueconstancy]

Broken-hearted : I should probably admit now that I was terrible at taking my own advice at the time. Which is how I learned that borrowing trouble when you already have enough is hell on earth...

I don't think anything you've asked is unfair or wrong or unreasonable. (I do know of several couples with young kids and the children all adapted well, if that is any help; in most cases, they did better than the adults at adjusting and moving on! The younger they are, the easier it seems to be for them to forget anything was ever different.) It's natural for you to be worried about your kids during a time of upheaval and fear.

One theme that I see repeated a lot is what you've said here : you have not had much time to get used to all of this, *especially* considering how long he's known. Yes, absolutely, he needs to take into account that right now he's running off full speed into a future you only realized existed a few weeks ago, and one which makes him blissfully happy at the same time as it causes you pain and fear. Not only do we need enough time to catch up to where our trans partners started off, we may need MORE time than they did to come to terms with the revelation, since it is not a joyous one for us.

Another thing I'll stress again is the importance of putting yourself first sometimes. I know that's a hard thing to do, and that women especially are taught to focus on other people's needs... but if you're a wreck, you won't be much help to anyone, either. So even from a purely pragmatic standpoint, it's not entirely selfish to care for yourself first (and honestly, some selfishness can be good, if it keeps someone from unraveling). You've just discovered that there's a fundamental thing that makes him happy but does *not* make you happy, and that's perfectly understandable and reasonable, but it's OK to feel like it rocked the foundations of your existence sometimes to learn that.

Most of all, you're doing the best you can. Don't let anyone tell you that politics (telling you that you're against trans people, etc.) is more important in this than your own life; we can support trans people in general while still being miserable about living through the specific circumstances of our own relationships. You are not a bad person for being unhappy, and you won't be a bad person even if you can't keep this marriage together. Sometimes it happens, and it's tragic, but it's no one's fault.

[traci_k]

Broken Hearted, The fact that you are here and seeking answers, that you want to be okay with this and the fact the you haven't knocked him upside the head speaks well of you. (Attempt at a little levity.)

Welcome and I don't think anyone here would give you a hard time about not being okay with his transitioning. As others have mentioned, he's been dealing with this for a long time and you just a short time. Acceptance may come in time. You haven't mentioned if he is seeing a therapist. If she is, (using the correct pronoun) you can tell her you want to be supportive, find it difficult yet, but would you be able to visit with the therapist too? A good gender therapist should be able to help you understand better, plus there are a lot of terrific resources here and on the internet to help you understand what being transgender is about.

As for the children. The world is changing rapidly and children today are growing up in a much more accepting world of gender fluidity, and the younger they are, it seems the better they may be able to handle the change. Chances are, if they are very young, there may be a transgender child in their class by the time they start school. Again a good therapist can help give you guidance in helping them accept the change.

The fact that your husband is the love of your life and that you want to help him means you may have a good chance of working through this together. The reason he may be uncommunicative is that he doesn't want to upset you more either. To work through this will require good communication. My therapist suggested that I bring my wife along sometime too, which is why I made the recommendation. Transition isn't easy in the first place, but together, you just may be able to make it work.

Wish I could give you a big hug because I know you've got to be hurting and scared. Please stick around and you'll find that most transpeople are just pretty normal people with a brain that doesn't match up to their body. Many SO's say that their spouse often times becomes a much better, happier person, and nicer to be around once they begin transition. And as others have said, you need to take some time to look out for you too.

Wishing you the best.

Hugs,

[Broken-hearted]

While I'm not able to directly comment on this issue, I have spent a lot of time on this forum and seen similar posts. I've seen posts indicating that some significant others do accept their partner but most do not. Many of the ones that are accepted end up in a relationship that is vastly different than what they had. After unless your bisexual, your now in a relationship with someone of a gender that you aren't interested in. In some cases the relationship more or less stayed the same. I think in most of the best of cases they split up, but remain friends afterword and supportive to their ex.

I wanted to thank you again for your reply. I had time to reread your post and realized that I looked over something important:

Many of the ones that are accepted end up in a relationship that is vastly different than what they had.

This is one on the things that has been bothering me since all of this started.  What becomes of us?  Granted, we never had a perfect relationship.  He's always been a selfish person but I've always been the one to look past selfishness and move forward. These last few months I've noticed a change in me. I can't take it like I used to. I'm wondering if it's all the extra stress I'm under that's influencing my behavior. So in a sense, we already have a "different" relationship.

[blueconstancy]

I'd like to address that because I was also terrified by the "you'll become like sisters" and whatnot... We have a different relationship, yes. Part of that is just that growing older together does that; we also have a different relationship than when we were 19, or 25, or 30. But more importantly, she has more sympathy for the ->-bleeped-<- I've had to deal with being perceived as a woman in our society, she does more chores, she is more emotionally available and explicitly supportive - it's not all good stuff (she's also a lot easier to upset these days), but it's not all BAD, either. There's always the hope, for example, that your spouse might start to internalize all the "women take care of others and put themselves last" messages you have, and start trying to put *you* first.

Which, admittedly, would be a nice change from the status quo. As is you becoming a bit more assertive, because you deserve to be.

[Marcellow]

Seeing as you live in NYC like me, there is a big LGBT center and they have many support groups.
Here's one for families and friends of transgender people: https://gaycenter.org/calendar?cgid=4&ceid=1995&cerid=0&cdt=12%2f3%2f2014

Unfortunately, it's only once per month and next one isn't until after New Year's.

[Broken-hearted]

Thanks Marcellow. I want help and support. More importantly, I want to be there for my spouse eventhough I'm not doing a good job of it right now.

[Broken-hearted]

I'd like to address that because I was also terrified by the "you'll become like sisters" and whatnot... We have a different relationship, yes. Part of that is just that growing older together does that

My spouse said something similar. "We could always become BEST FRIENDS. Uh, news flash aren't we already best friends? At least that's what you tell people.  As for me, I do believe that my spouse is my best friend. I want something more though. This part always makes me break down crying: he promised me my lawfully wedded husband. Now I won't have a husband anymore. Just a best friend that's anything but.    

[blueconstancy]

Broken-hearted : Oh, honey. That's not a good way to present it at all, no. I used to cry over the sisters thing, too. Indeed, you've always been best friends, but you want a *spouse.*

You won't have a husband anymore; you might, if you're fortunate enough that he's willing to pay attention to you before he loses you, end up with a wife. I miss having a husband sometimes too, if I'm brutally honest. But I do appreciate that I still have a spouse - not ONLY a best friend - who is in many respects better than that husband was. However, I sure as heck hope he listened to you when you tried to explain that best friends isn't the same thing as romantic partner, and you're heartbroken at the thought of losing that.

(Oh, and a note on pronouns for everyone reading : it used to be like a knife to the heart to hear "she" before I was ready for it. I respect the trans person's gender, but in this SO's space and when the person in question isn't reading, I'm going to use the pronouns that a given SO finds least painful.)

[Broken-hearted]

Yes. I want a spouse and a best friend. Is that too much to ask?  I know some of us are lucky to have either.  We had so many dreams and hopes together. 

But actions speak louder than words. 

While I'm still trying to wrap my head around all the changes if I even ask simple questions like how are you feeling today? Or have you noticed any changes yet (he just started HRT within the last month) I get responses that aren't nice along with the shifty eyes. For example, "why?" Or "why do you care?" Or "what made you ask that question" or "you don't have to worry about that"

No matter what, I've have always been a caring person, so the how are you feeling today is a normal question to ask.  In other words I ask because I care.

[Tessa James]

I'd like to address that because I was also terrified by the "you'll become like sisters" and whatnot... We have a different relationship, yes. Part of that is just that growing older together does that; we also have a different relationship than when we were 19, or 25, or 30. But more importantly, she has more sympathy for the ->-bleeped-<- I've had to deal with being perceived as a woman in our society, she does more chores, she is more emotionally available and explicitly supportive - it's not all good stuff (she's also a lot easier to upset these days), but it's not all BAD, either. There's always the hope, for example, that your spouse might start to internalize all the "women take care of others and put themselves last" messages you have, and start trying to put *you* first.

Which, admittedly, would be a nice change from the status quo. As is you becoming a bit more assertive, because you deserve to be.

Thank you BC for capturing what happens for so many of us.  So far my wife and I are staying together (41+ yrs) and being out and politically active I get to meet many other couples in the same boat.  The first time my wife introduced me as her wife I was surprised how good and right it felt.

Rosa I admire you for working at this and, in my experience, younger kids actually adapt easier than the teens who are so much more peer oriented.  Also please know that most of us later transitioners really fought for this not to be our truth.  Eventually a secret this big can become toxic and transitioning is the honest answer for many of us.   No matter how distressing it is dysphoria does not go away with out treatment including counseling.  HRT and other transitioning techniques are proven to be effective in helping us and literally do save lives.

It is obviously a major life change for you and i support your efforts to weigh this thoughtfully, thoroughly and yes, you deserve to be supported for being yourself too.

[Broken-hearted]

To be honest, the stress of  worrying how will they be treated in school also weighs heavily on me. Some people are like, "get with the times" we can "get with the times" all we want but there is no guarantee that my LO's won't be teased or harassed or treated like aliens for lack of a better word.

[Vicky Mitchell]

As i read this i feel like i am hearing a recording of my own life.   I have recently come out myself and i know my wife has not come to terms yet on understanding why or how i could do that and many of times i see her walking around with glazed look over her.  I wish i could remove that pain that I have brought on to her.  I wish things could have been different.  I wish i could help her understand.    She says she has questions when i ask her what they are she cannot put them in words.  I want to be there to help her but some how i do not think she wants the help from me.  She is still holding on the to past and she keeps trying to picture the future.  I have told her i do not know what the future will hold and i just keep saying to her baby steps and one day at a time.  I know she wants to talk to someone but has not been able to find many to talk to.   But if you like to reach out to her she is on here too under the name of sadpanda I know as for myself and probally most of us on here.  We never meant to hurt our love ones and what we did/do is not always something we had planed out.   I just try to think that things happen for a reason.   I would never ask someone to live unhappy and i hope others feel and wish the same for us.  So understand some times you do have to look out for yourself.  I have a saying.  It is hard to help other be happy if you are not happy yourself. 


Vicky
MtF

[blueconstancy]

Broken-hearted : Yeah, the part where he brushes you off or is nasty/snappish is not good. And honestly, that's not even a trans thing per se; that's a "treat your partner well or you're going to have problems in your relationship" thing. I don't know why he's behaving like that, but you're not at all unreasonable for being unhappy about it, *especially* when he just dumped this bombshell on you.

Vicky : I've been talking to SadPanda too, in fact, and the offer to PM with links to other support groups goes for her as well. In the meantime, I'll say to you... Just as my wife felt as if she was transitioning at top speed because of the terrors chasing her, I felt like I'd been handcuffed to a speeding train. I loved her and wanted her to be happy even at the expense of my own short-term misery, but that didn't change the fact that I couldn't control my emotional response. Which brings me to some words of comfort for you that I still have to stay to her now and again : there's no reason to feel guilty for needing this, and if your wife chooses to stay and love you that is in fact her choice, not something you could (or should!) take responsibility for.