I Don't Even

[IdontEven]

So 3 or so days ago I ended up on this site. Don't even remember how. Since then I've read so many great threads and posts from so many brave and wonderful people that...well it hits me right in the feels. So now I'm in this rabbit hole and it's pretty much the only thing I can think about, and I can't even stop thinking long enough to sleep. So I've spent a little time in the chat under this name, generally during early morning EST hours when it's quiet. Can't get it to work right now, I need to find a new client or something. I realize somebody else has a very similar name, and I'm hoping they won't hate me for registering with this handle.

But what's spurred me to action is that I've decided to go see a therapist.

Step 1 : Therapist
Step 2 :
Step 3 : Profit!

So I reached out to one who seemed okay. They're not a gender specialist but they indicated that they can work with these sorts of issues, and they specialize in anxiety and stuff which...dunno if you'll believe this but anxiety's been kind of a huge thing in my life.

So anyways, I managed to doze off for a few hours which is when they tried calling back. They left a voicemail. So now I'm trying to figure out how to tell them something I haven't been able to tell myself for 32 years and still kinda can't. Especially when I first wake up, that's when it's really bad for me. So now I'm spinning out. Whatever courage I had mustered is nowhere to be found, I'm pretty much shaking like a leaf and having a panic attack.

I just don't think I can do it over the phone, but I can probably fire off an email. As long as I don't get too paranoid about like "OMG how many secretaries are going to see this email? How many servers are a copy of this email going to be sitting on?" etc etc. But how do I even say what it is I need help with...I've yet to say it aloud and...I don't know, it's almost like saying it seals the deal somehow. Not that it isn't already anyways.

Sorry for the rambling rant. Someone say "hi" to me or something please? 

[Ms Grace]

Hi!

Welcome to Susan's Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

Anxiety is quite common. If they are a professional then your privacy should be absolutely assured. I think you'll find though that phone will be better. Yes, saying it can be hard but all you have to say is you are  questioning your gender identity and they should help guide the session in a way that is safe and supportive.

Please check out the following links for general site info...

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Cheers

Grace

[Devlyn]

Hi IdontEven, welcome to Susan's Place! Step 2 is Change!  Keep the rambly rants coming, we love this stuff. See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

[TrishaJane323]

One thing that always calms me is remembering that you are never the only one.  The only one that doesnt know, doesnt understand, trying to figure something out, feeling weird or different. ...there is a label for this and that.  Look at all of us on this site!  SOME of the world might judge but that doesnt mean anything either.  I havent yet seen a therapist on this matter but I have had a therapist.  The ones that care help you find your way in a calm gently manner.  Try not to worry!

[awilliams1701]

About 6-7 months ago, I was transphobic and something (I'm still not sure what) opened all the right doors for me to start questioning myself and my gender. I've always been disphoric, but I'm not one of those girls that knew she was a girl every day of her life since I was young. It took a lot for me to admit the truth about myself, but once I came to terms with being trans I found that it was worth it. I've found a lot of aspects about myself that were completely repressed. Being able to release them has been very freeing.

As for concerns about seeing a therapist, yes I had a certain amount of fear over that as well for the same reasons you mentioned. I'm not in a very accepting state (but it turns out I'm in a decently accepting area) and was concerned about the receptionists, but once I worked up the courage to make an appointment and go in, I found that it was well worth it.

[Sincerely Tegan]

Hi friend,

Welcome to the site. What you are going through sounds strikingly similar to my own awakening a year or so ago. God, I still remember the panic, the racing mind, the stomach butterflies and restless nights. But hey, you found this place, and that's a huge step!

My suggestion is to write a coming-out letter. If you have to speak about your situation aloud to any professionals, your letter will help you find the words.

Good luck and stay strong.  I'm very close to your age, and might be able to offer some of the perspective that I was able to gain when I first arrived here. Private Message me (once you can), and let's have a chat.

Until then, stay calm, sister. You got this.  And we've got your back.

[IdontEven]

Mmm...says I can't send out a PM until I've made like 15 posts, but that I can respond. Send me a message, Tegan?

And thank you to all who have posted here, I've calmed down quite a bit from my rather frenetic state earlier. Waiting on a call-back now

[Sincerely Tegan]

Mmm...says I can't send out a PM until I've made like 15 posts, but that I can respond. Send me a message, Tegan?

And thank you to all who have posted here, I've calmed down quite a bit from my rather frenetic state earlier. Waiting on a call-back now

You got it.

[FTMax]

+1 to writing a coming out letter. I wrote one to use with my dad. Didn't end up actually using it with him, but it was an excellent exercise for talking about the feelings and experiences I've had.

Step 1 : Therapist
Step 2 :
Step 3 : Profit!

Step 2 is Party 

[ImagineKate]

When I finally decided to seek professional help I sent off an email. I got a phone call back from someone who seemed compassionate. Then they set me up with a therapist. She was not really a gender specialist but she said she had experience with these issues. Anyway I ended up switching to someone who is a gender specialist, and she's even a member and committee member of WPATH.

But it took me overcoming my fears and when I did doors suddenly opened up. I was no longer afraid to do stuff, get hormones, shop for clothes and come out at work to my manager and HR. Next year is going to be exciting as I plan to go full time.

So don't worry you'll get there.

[Brenda E]

I just don't think I can do it over the phone, but I can probably fire off an email. As long as I don't get too paranoid about like "OMG how many secretaries are going to see this email? How many servers are a copy of this email going to be sitting on?" etc etc. But how do I even say what it is I need help with...I've yet to say it aloud and...I don't know, it's almost like saying it seals the deal somehow. Not that it isn't already anyways.

Is there a reason it needs to be said at all until you're sitting in the privacy of the therapist's office and you feel comfortable telling the therapist?

I'd be tempted to use the time between now and the appointment to gather your thoughts.  Write a letter if you need to, or at the very least some notes (not too rambling) that cover the main points you want to explain to the therapist.  As for what to tell the secretary in the meantime, just say you're struggling with some anxiety issues that you'd like to talk to someone about.  They don't need to know the exact details in order to get you an appointment.

Awesome move though - getting in to see a therapist is vital in my opinion.  Even if you end up switching to a different one (and if the one you've selected doesn't feel capable of dealing with your gender issues, they might know someone else who does, even if it's not widely advertised), you're taking steps in the right direction to put your life on the right track again.

It's scary.  For years, I could never admit that I had gender issues.  That led to years wasted; drink, drugs, depression, etc.  Please please please don't make the same mistake that so many of us have and continue to hide your feelings out of fear.  If the therapy helps you realize who you are and how to cope with it, then you'll be so much happier and stable than you are now.

Best wishes - and please keep us updated as to how the journey continues.  Genuinely interested.

[alena]

+1 to writing a coming out letter. I wrote one to use with my dad. Didn't end up actually using it with him, but it was an excellent exercise for talking about the feelings and experiences I've had.

Step 2 is Party 

Step 2 for me is eat cookies!

[IdontEven]

Thank you all so much for the support, advice, and encouragement. It means more than you can know. Or maybe you can

I took the writing suggestion to heart and in the process of doing so came to some pretty powerful conclusions and understanding. It's almost like if you could take what I wrote and show it to me at any other time in my life I'd be like "Ooooh, well...that explains it. Also, duh?" Except I get the feeling this wasn't something I was in a place to accept before now.

And that's really where I am now. Acceptance. That and sleepiness. Don't think I slept more than 3 hours at a time for the past 5 or so days.

So now it's just a matter of how and where to move forward. Maybe the therapist will have something to say about that, I'm in the middle of finalizing an appointment for next week. Yay, paperwork.

But I move forward from here with what seems to be complete understanding and acceptance for myself. The future, while big and scary, seems conquerable now in a way it never has before. I can take my first steps with an inner-confidence and pride and peace that I get the feeling will come in handy. Dunno, never had it :p

Also, fear excitement hope doubt(about others) joy etc etc. Is it possible to feel ALL THE FEELS at once?

Anyways, thank you all so much, again!

[IdontEven]

Well...it's probably bad form to post multiple times in a row to my own thread without asking a question or providing some sort of discussion-worthy topic. But I have thoughts and it feels pretty good to write them. I mean it -is- my thread. It has my name on it and everything! Just tell me to shut up or lock the thread or whatever and I'll take the hint :p

So I'm reminded of that quote in Shawshank Redemption. I believe I saw someone reference, if not outright quote it, the other day somewhere around here. Why struggle for your own words when somebody else has already said it perfectly adequately? "I find I'm so excited I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel. A free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain."

Pretty much perfectly sums up where I'm at right now. Substitute appropriate gender pronouns where applicable

I'm probably coming across as pretty manic at this point, there's been an unmitigated flood of emotions for me. But today has been all about the excitement and hope. I'm not even in any hurry to do anything in particular. Transition is probably not an option for me, and may never be. While that sucks, and to be perfectly honest there's a lot about all this that truly sucks, I almost don't care. Though I'm not sure if I can articulate why. Or if I even fully understand why, beyond simply not being a stranger to myself anymore.

It's like I spent most of my life ripping myself to pieces, and now I've found them all again and I get to put them back together into something awesome. I might not be able to make the Venus de Milo, but I can still probably do something pretty cool. And it'll be ME! Me me me me meeeeee! (I'm totally not a narcissist, honest :/)

Hope you're all having as wonderful of a day as I am. <3