Transitioned non-binary

[nicole99]

I've always felt a bit counter trans culture in that I desired to have a female body, but not identifying as a woman. I've been called 'transsexual-light', 'not transsexual', with the implication that my dysphoria was not taken as seriously as if I was properly 'trans'. I've also been a little bit of an oddity even among the non-binary in that I want a full woman's body. If there are others like me perhaps they are not admitting to it, are passing as transsexuals or I have simply not encountered them.  For all that I am a transsexual, I'm gender queer, and I identify as non-binary.

I transitioned physically about 3 years ago - which is to say i started taking hormones and had SRS and am seen as female. At the time my identity swung enough in that direction to identify as female but I think it was a crafty trick my mind played on myself in order to get me to transition physically. It was a means to an ends and it worked. But 3 years on and I am exploring again and reclaiming my non-binary identity. But this time I am happy in my physical self. I dress in women's clothing, but tending towards the jeans , t-shirt and comfortable shoes kind of woman. I wear dresses over dress pants to work and occasionally a shirt and tie to get my sexy fem dom on. I don't feel entirely comfortable being put in a the box called female and while preferring to be called a 'she' it does not quite sit comfortably. But it sure as hell beats being considered my birth sex and all the dysphoria that entailed. What helps a lot is simply being open with people.

Anyway that is some of my story. I wanted to tell it just in case there were some other confused unicorns that were in the same boat - female body wanting but non-binary gender feeling. I think we often struggle with validity. I'm here to say that it is totally valid to want to have a body of the opposite sex even if you don't identify as that sex. And if your original model body causes you enough distress then I think this is a perfectly valid reason for physical transition, and to give the finger to the trans police.

[suzifrommd]

I'm here to say that it is totally valid to want to have a body of the opposite sex even if you don't identify as that sex. And if your original model body causes you enough distress then I think this is a perfectly valid reason for physical transition, and to give the finger to the trans police.

Nicole, I couldn't have put it better myself.

Your story is very similar to mine.

[JulieBlair]

I think what is being highlighted here is the multiplicity of possible correct answers.  It isn't necessary to apply duality to gender or to transition.  The correct transition, the correct gender expression, is the one that individually works.  The binary box can be as confining and as stultifying as living with dysphoria.

That is why this little bit of Susan's is enriching and why I wander here.

Peace

Julie

[jojoglowe]

female body wanting but non-binary gender feeling

This is how I feel too I don't bother trying to explain to most people. I'm glad that everyone I know has been able to understand the whole "I was born with a guy body, but inside I'm a girl so I'm changing my body to fit". This works because it fits inside of the binary.

Non-binary gender identification reminds me of this book I was supposed to read (Flatland) back in highschool math class. Basically, the folks who can only see gender as a binary are like the flatlanders... unaware that there exists another dimension that adds depth to the whole thing.

[J8675309]

I feel the same way. Thanks for that post. I have just come to the realization this last few days. I transitioned about 5 years ago M to F but just so unhappy but wanted the female body but was not really female or male. Felt like a lie sometimes and i would go back and forth. I feel good now exploring this. Not sure where it is going.

[Vestyn]

Hi there,

I'm also non-binary post-op; in my case, "FTN." I've got a "boys'" haircut and flat a chest with no nipples. I love walking around outside and at the beach shirtless but I don't "pass" at all (hence...STARES. LOTS OF THEM). I have no intentions of ever taking T and I'm content using female pronouns and the neutral shortened version of my birth name.

The only further surgical transitions I'm thinking of having done to my body are a hysterectomy to end my periods and it would be marvelous if there were a "neutral" way to be able to stand to pee that didn't involve construction of a phallus. Not so sure about that last one. 

I just feel like I'm chasing freedom.

I feel like my breasts were pendulous blobs that served no functional purpose, needed to be hidden and restricted movement, were sexualized, etc. So I had them off! But men in our society have so much less expressive freedom - no dresses, long shorts, flat voices, and can't use too many gestures or animation while talking, no crying - I wouldn't want that.

It's nice to be able to slip between groups.

[Dread_Faery]

I think for a lot of people it's very hard to separate sex and gender, even among the trans community. I fully transitioned a few years back and thought that meant I was a binary woman because I needed to be female bodied. So now I'm female bodied and as close to FAAB as I'll get, but my gender identity is not woman.

basically it's oppressive cissexist, hetronormative bull->-bleeped-<- being perpetuated.

[amber roskamp]

its kind of funny because i came to this conclusion this morning and it felt so right. i have been struggling with a lot of doubt about being trans women. I feel the need to transition. i really want to appear to be a women, but i actually don't identify as either a man or a women.

Coming to this realization has made me feel free. im looking forward to life!

[JulieBlair]

How you identify is your decision, how you are perceived is only partially your call.  I can pass anyway I want most of the time.  You are very pretty, and unless your voice is a tell, you will be seen as a woman unless you consciously choose otherwise.  How you are addressed is also your prerogative, but expect pronouns to wander from here to main street in the real world.

Julie

[Pixie]

I'm similar, in the opposite direction. I never had any doubts that I was "supposed" to have a fully male body. If I can separate out my body from my self, identification is much much easier. My body is FTM, I have no doubts about that part. I have intense dysphoria and got the medical diagnosis of GID, hormones, and surgeries without even the tiniest fuss from anyone who mattered. The gatekeepers accepted me without reservation! Although I might have trouble in a few years when I ask for bottom surgery, guess I'll see if I ever get there.

I don't know what I'd call my real self, other than just "Pixie". I'm hopeful that as time passes I will get a bit closer to not caring what others think of me, especially visually (passing or not). But right now I want to pass as male, at least enough for public restrooms. For now, I have to map out every hour of the day I'm away from home to get myself near gender neutral/family restrooms often enough to avoid gendered bathrooms.

[nicole99]

Woh, awesome. I was not expecting this to resonate with so many.

I've been wondering lately whether if I was born a natal female, and raised that way, whether I would still feel 'non-binary'. I wonder if the fact that I was not raised female makes me automatically feel an 'outsider'. I don't really have an answer to that.

[nicole99]

probably 

[Jak]

I'm also non-binary post-op; in my case, "FTN." I've got a "boys'" haircut and flat a chest with no nipples. I love walking around outside and at the beach shirtless but I don't "pass" at all (hence...STARES. LOTS OF THEM). I have no intentions of ever taking T and I'm content using female pronouns and the neutral shortened version of my birth name. The only further surgical transitions I'm thinking of having done to my body are a hysterectomy to end my periods and it would be marvelous if there were a "neutral" way to be able to stand to pee that didn't involve construction of a phallus. Not so sure about that last one.  I just feel like I'm chasing freedom. I feel like my breasts were pendulous blobs that served no functional purpose, needed to be hidden and restricted movement, were sexualized, etc. So I had them off!

[Edited]

Hallelujah! Non-binary pre-op here! Short hair, masculine of center presentation, and breasts to be gone at some point. Menopausal so I don't care about the hysto. Would love to be able to STP, but have no interest in using "tools" to do so. Re: "pendulous..." YES! So nice to see someone write exactly what I feel!

[Gothic Dandy]

Woh, awesome. I was not expecting this to resonate with so many.

I've been wondering lately whether if I was born a natal female, and raised that way, whether I would still feel 'non-binary'. I wonder if the fact that I was not raised female makes me automatically feel an 'outsider'. I don't really have an answer to that.

I was wondering the same thing about myself. If I were born male, I'd probably be MTF. As it is, I'm FTM. Either way, I'm still androgyne. I relate best to co-ed groups and people who are used to socializing with both men and women. I'm an outsider to any group dominated by either men or women.

I'm glad you started this thread. It's always good for people to hear that we're not alone, particularly in those moment when we're feeling down or uncertain about ourselves.

[Cin]

I've always felt a bit counter trans culture in that I desired to have a female body, but not identifying as a woman. I've been called 'transsexual-light', 'not transsexual', with the implication that my dysphoria was not taken as seriously as if I was properly 'trans'. I've also been a little bit of an oddity even among the non-binary in that I want a full woman's body. If there are others like me perhaps they are not admitting to it, are passing as transsexuals or I have simply not encountered them.  For all that I am a transsexual, I'm gender queer, and I identify as non-binary.

I transitioned physically about 3 years ago - which is to say i started taking hormones and had SRS and am seen as female. At the time my identity swung enough in that direction to identify as female but I think it was a crafty trick my mind played on myself in order to get me to transition physically. It was a means to an ends and it worked. But 3 years on and I am exploring again and reclaiming my non-binary identity. But this time I am happy in my physical self. I dress in women's clothing, but tending towards the jeans , t-shirt and comfortable shoes kind of woman. I wear dresses over dress pants to work and occasionally a shirt and tie to get my sexy fem dom on. I don't feel entirely comfortable being put in a the box called female and while preferring to be called a 'she' it does not quite sit comfortably. But it sure as hell beats being considered my birth sex and all the dysphoria that entailed. What helps a lot is simply being open with people.

Anyway that is some of my story. I wanted to tell it just in case there were some other confused unicorns that were in the same boat - female body wanting but non-binary gender feeling. I think we often struggle with validity. I'm here to say that it is totally valid to want to have a body of the opposite sex even if you don't identify as that sex. And if your original model body causes you enough distress then I think this is a perfectly valid reason for physical transition, and to give the finger to the trans police.

My dysphoria is inconsistent, sometimes it's really bad. Hours later, 'I think what was all the fuzz about?'. I think we're all different, It's my body that I have a problem with, and I want a feminine body, but not my clothes, I like my male clothes just fine right now. I've always fancied having a sort of 'neutral' body that is on the feminine side (androgynous?), because it's kind of how my non-binary head pictures myself as.

I'm still figuring things out, so It's still confusing for me. Ask me the same thing an hour later, and I might say something different.

[awilliams1701]

When I started I came to the conclusion that I was bi-gender. I felt like I was neither male nor female. I'm not genderfluid, those people that are either fully male or fully female at different times. No for me its a mix. I wanted to present as female and there were feminine traits wanting to get out, but many masculine traits as well. For some reason I overlooked the term non-binary and now think that might be what I am, but I agree with the others. It doesn't really matter what your label is as much as who you are.

[genderirrelevant]

Hi there,

I'm also non-binary post-op; in my case, "FTN." I've got a "boys'" haircut and flat a chest with no nipples. I love walking around outside and at the beach shirtless but I don't "pass" at all (hence...STARES. LOTS OF THEM). I have no intentions of ever taking T and I'm content using female pronouns and the neutral shortened version of my birth name.

I feel like my breasts were pendulous blobs that served no functional purpose, needed to be hidden and restricted movement, were sexualized, etc. So I had them off! But men in our society have so much less expressive freedom - no dresses, long shorts, flat voices, and can't use too many gestures or animation while talking, no crying - I wouldn't want that.

It's nice to be able to slip between groups.

YES!!

I have never had a single positive thought or feeling about my breasts in almost 4 decades. Planning to get rid of them next summer. Nipples too. Completely pointless to an asexual like me. I'm wondering if you encountered any opposition to having the nips removed. Did your surgeon try to convince you to keep them?

[Vestyn]

Jak and genderirrelevant, I'm just as excited to talk to you! Because I've never met anyone who feels quite the way I do about my body and my gender, I hope you'll consent to exchanging contact information!

I'm wondering if you encountered any opposition to having the nips removed. Did your surgeon try to convince you to keep them?

My surgeon was taken aback when I said I didn't want nipples because he'd never had someone request that before, but since our initial exchanges were through email I don't know what his *initial* reaction truly was. At our face-to-face consultation he asked me a bit more about my reasons and I explained a bit about wanting a neutral rather than male body and never deriving much erotic sensation from them in the first place. Then I added, "If I miss them I can always get them tattooed on." (And it's true; there are some incredibly 3D nipple tattoo artists out there who mainly work on cancer patients). That seemed to satisfy him and then it didn't come up again.

I had my surgery in Thailand, though, and there was no need for a WPATH letter or GID diagnosis, which would have complicated matters. More like, "You got the money? Great."   

[Bimmer Guy]

I'm wondering if you encountered any opposition to having the nips removed. Did your surgeon try to convince you to keep them?

Great thread.  One could argue that I fit non-binary more than male, but I have always shied away from that term with transgender, transmasculine, transgender butch, or transguy fitting me better.

I wanted to respond to the above.  In the somewhat distant past it wasn't unusual to "lose a nipple", so it was somewhat common for guys to get surgery with the areolas/nipples removed, with plans to tattoo them on.  My point is, surgeons who have been doing this for awhile wouldn't find it strange.  On the other hand, surgeons who have been doing this for awhile (and the people who have learned from them), don't "lose nipples", like they used to.

[Jak]

Vestyn- Sure! I think my "personal message online" button now works. Drop me a line!