new therapist, so many questions.

[synesthetic]

i haven't admitted to my parents that i've been questioning my gender. they're very accepting : i'm out as bisexual to them, and i've talked about how i like looking androgynous and am very reluctant to label myself. they would have no problem, and i'm pretty sure my mom knows (so many mothers just have a way of knowing these things haha) but i just can't admit this to them. with that being said my dad is .. i don't know. a lot of times i refer to myself as "they" or occasionally (almost always in a joking manner, though) as a "cool guy". last time i did this, he said "but you're not a guy! you're a girl. a cool girl" or something to that extent. i know he was trying to joke back, but it hit HARD. it made me realise that, while he's not homophobic or biphobic, he just might be transphobic. when i was talking about gender with him, i said "regardless of what someone looks like, if they say they're a guy, call them he and him. if they say they're a girl, call them she and her. if they say they're neither, use neutral "they" and "them" pronouns." he replied with "okay, i guess, but it'd be weird." so i really have no idea how to feel about him... i don't know for sure how he would feel about having a trans or non-binary kid. and that scares me, because he's usually so accepting.

anyways, moving on to the main topic here: therapy

i'm going to see a new psychiatrist soon, for depression/anxiety/etc. i really want to admit that i've been having so many gender-related issues, but i just don't know. i don't know if she's qualified to give advice on this, i don't know if she'd reveal my struggles to my parents, i don't know what she'd say.
especially since i always go to appointments with my dad, if anyone knew it would be him, and i can't deal with that.

i need to talk about this, or i feel like i'm just going to explode. i don't want to hide who i feel like i am anymore. i have only talked about my gender issues with one friend, but i haven't asked her to change the pronouns she uses or anything. i'm too scared, too unsure. same thing with my mom ... she knows i don't like to label myself and like dressing androgynously, but i haven't asked her to use a different name or different pronouns. everyone calls me by my birth name, except on here, and it'd be so nice to just hear someone say "hi alex, how are you?" out loud for once.

but is a random psychiatrist, with no specialisation in gender therapy, someone who could possibly help me?

i'm so conflicted. i would go to a proper gender therapist but i'm incredibly low on money and that would require telling my parents about everything, which is the exact opposite of what i want to do...

sorry if this doesn't make much sense, i'm just rambling. but i have no idea what i'm going to do. 

[mrs izzy]

You do not know where anyone stands if you never tell them.

You can guess yourself to death.

Be 100% honest with the therapist and see where it goes.

Never let fear override your will to be yourself.

Hugs

[MySongIsLaughter]

I'm afraid I know barely anything about therapists so can't help there - I hope you're able to talk to them about it soon. I'm sure if they can't help you much they'll be able to help you find someone who can!

The reason I'm commenting is what your dad said. Now, all parents are different and I don't know the full context but chances are he wasn't intending to be transphobic. A few weeks ago, when I was feeling pretty low, I was skyping my dad and whilst attempting to cheer me up he said something along the lines of "you'll always be my little girl". As you can guess, that did not make me feel any better! Since I came out, though, he's been very good at sticking to referring to me by a gender-neutral pet name (except the odd occasion when he accidentally calls me by my sister's name).

I'm not saying your dad'll immediately be totally cool with it - these things take time to understand and accept - but if he's generally very accepting I'm sure he'll be supportive of you. From what you've said it sounds like he just wanted to join in the joking and never meant it to hurt like it did.

If you're worried, though, maybe make it a priority to talk to your mum. She can probably warn you if she thinks he might be transphobic, or reassure you that he isn't.

[synesthetic]

thanks to both of you for commenting!  helped me feel a lot better

I'm afraid I know barely anything about therapists so can't help there - I hope you're able to talk to them about it soon. I'm sure if they can't help you much they'll be able to help you find someone who can!

The reason I'm commenting is what your dad said. Now, all parents are different and I don't know the full context but chances are he wasn't intending to be transphobic. A few weeks ago, when I was feeling pretty low, I was skyping my dad and whilst attempting to cheer me up he said something along the lines of "you'll always be my little girl". As you can guess, that did not make me feel any better! Since I came out, though, he's been very good at sticking to referring to me by a gender-neutral pet name (except the odd occasion when he accidentally calls me by my sister's name).

I'm not saying your dad'll immediately be totally cool with it - these things take time to understand and accept - but if he's generally very accepting I'm sure he'll be supportive of you. From what you've said it sounds like he just wanted to join in the joking and never meant it to hurt like it did.

If you're worried, though, maybe make it a priority to talk to your mum. She can probably warn you if she thinks he might be transphobic, or reassure you that he isn't.

thank you so much, my dad has honestly been one of my main worries as I've discovered my identity. this was super reassuring. our dads sound a bit alike, so this has definitely helped. thank you!

[JoanneB]

I finally broke down several years and saw a therapist for the first time ever, and it had nothing really to do with being trans. Mostly depression and anxiety sprinkled with a little trans stuff since I figured pretty much all of my major life disasters had a root cause of how I was not handling being trans. I had a LOT of baggage to unlearn!

BTW - One therapist I've had coded the sessions for depression, the other, anxiety. When I asked about how it was, they both responded with "I've never seen a trans person that wasn't _______"

Where I was living at the time there was no such thing as a qualified gender therapist in under a 3 hour drive. The best I could do was a T-friendly one used by a couple of my support group members.

One technique I tried is the Psychology Today 'Doc-Find' they have a "Gender Issues" search checkbox. This could help eliminate the totally random therapist factor. At least you may find one that remembers being in class that day they covered GID.

You might also try asking your dad if you can first call the doc to talk (in private) to them for a few minutes to get a feel for them, to see if you think you'll feel comfortable talking to them in their office. Most, or all therapist will do this. It just takes a bit of coordinating. At this time you can ask, if you dare, what their experience with GD is. It's pretty much a sure bet the therapist will not telly anyone what is said. However if you are a juvenile, asking that should be question #1

[ImagineKate]

Is there ANY way you can go without your dad? I would be extremely uncomfortable to go with either of my parents. I went to a counselor with my dad during my teenage years after several suicide attempts and a metric ton of acting out. It did precisely nothing to me. The suicide attempts were partially gender issue fueled but I could not tell them.