The right time?

[kellizgirl]

Hi to all my sisters it has been a long time since I have been here. I was close to a break through last year and I was scared and went back into serve denial. this time however I became so depressed I was borderline suicidal. A dear friend made me aware of my state of mind and I am back with a counselor who is awesome! I have excepted the fact that I am a woman, I always was and I always will be! This is hard for me to express due to my right wing conservative Christian beliefs. No one was more shocked than I when I realized I was born this way. I never understood that statement till now and this also causes a huge uproar in my spiritual being. I am working things out and I am looking for an LGBTA support group near me.

I said all this to ask the question when is the right time to come out? Do I go gradually or burst on to the scene? I have 5 children and a wife, I also am the pastor of a conservative church. These are factors in my decision that need to be taken into consideration.

Thank you to all my sisters out there!

[SarahElizabeth]

  I do not think there is ever the right time.  Any time can be the right or wrong time as it is subjective to how you feel.  I know the right time for me was right after I was able to accept myself as a woman.  This was due to the fact that once that happened I knew I would never be able to go back, nor would I ever want to.  This is a personal question that you will have to answer for you.  I hope this post is able to help but unfortunately that is the best answer I can give.

[Vicky Mitchell]

i speak only from my own experience. and from what i gathered here.   But if i was ask if i could do it again.  I would have to say sooner then better.  I have come to the conclusion there is never a perfect or right time at least not for me.   There was always a little voice that said no not right now.  I have come out to my wife recently and many times i have heard her say why and why right now.   I asked her when would have been the right time.  only thing i got was maybe before we met but then i guess we would not be where we are now and be with out our son who we both love dearly.   I can say as i come to terms with accepting who i am.  I do wish i would have started the journey long time ago.  I think of all the time i have wasted being unhappy with myself.  I think of all the people i have lied to as i pretended to be someone i was not.   It is funny when we are young we want to be old.  When we are older we want to be young.  I truly belive for me it would have been better if i would have done this when i was younger when you are young you have so many more option  and you seem to bounce back from the hard blows that you get in life.  All i can say to you is follow your instincts.


Vicky
MtF

[ImagineKate]

Hi to all my sisters it has been a long time since I have been here. I was close to a break through last year and I was scared and went back into serve denial. this time however I became so depressed I was borderline suicidal. A dear friend made me aware of my state of mind and I am back with a counselor who is awesome! I have excepted the fact that I am a woman, I always was and I always will be! This is hard for me to express due to my right wing conservative Christian beliefs. No one was more shocked than I when I realized I was born this way. I never understood that statement till now and this also causes a huge uproar in my spiritual being. I am working things out and I am looking for an LGBTA support group near me.

I said all this to ask the question when is the right time to come out? Do I go gradually or burst on to the scene? I have 5 children and a wife, I also am the pastor of a conservative church. These are factors in my decision that need to be taken into consideration.

Thank you to all my sisters out there!

Yikes. Pastor of a conservative church...

It's really tough and I think either situation is going to turn out messy. This is because you are a public figure in what is a very strongly transphobic space. I don't envy you.

Go into some detail. What do you plan to do gradually? I think everyone who comes out does so gradually. It's not like we're putting up billboards and buying TV ads advertising that we are transitioning.

As for "when" the answer always is "now" because there is never a good time. You're always going to offend people, hurt people, and your wife especially will probably feel betrayed. Your marriage may likely end or be seriously damaged. Better to get it out there now.

[Ms Grace]

I'd suggest you talk with the counsellor a bit ahout your game plan, are you intending to transition? When? How? Having tried transition twice, once telling people straight away and the second only a few days from going full time I found it easier on me and on them to go the last minute route. Of course, I didn't have a wife and children which I do think would complicate that plan. Thing is, once a few people know then everyone will know in fairly short order through gossip and the grape vine. If you tell someone you're trans and then nothing appears to happen over the following weeks and months then they get confused and start to think you changed your mind or have lost it. If you were in a progressive and accepting environment I would say it mightn't matter so much - but I think you may need to tread carefully and have a sense of where you are going given your current circumstances. Telling spouses can be especially fraught even when done carefully and supportively. At any rate, talk with your counsellor first.

[kellizgirl]

Thank you I am going slow and planning with my counselor. One thing I have as an advantage is that my wife knew coming into our marriage I struggled with this i was open and as honest as I could be about myself at that time. I suffered though under the delusion that this was evil and if I would just be a good enough christian then the Lord would change me, but after much prayer and fasting I am still a woman and that is not going to change. I am working on reconciling this realization to my faith but I know who I am today and it is a relief to be honest for the first time in my life.

[stephaniec]

I'd suggest you talk with the counsellor a bit ahout your game plan, are you intending to transition? When? How? Having tried transition twice, once telling people straight away and the second only a few days from going full time I found it easier on me and on them to go the last minute route. Of course, I didn't have a wife and children which I do think would complicate that plan. Thing is, once a few people know then everyone will know in fairly short order through gossip and the grape vine. If you tell someone you're trans and then nothing appears to happen over the following weeks and months then they get confused and start to think you changed your mind or have lost it. If you were in a progressive and accepting environment I would say it mightn't matter so much - but I think you may need to tread carefully and have a sense of where you are going given your current circumstances. Telling spouses can be especially fraught even when done carefully and supportively. At any rate, talk with your counsellor first.

ditto

[suzifrommd]

Kelli, I admire your courage, transitioning in that sort of environment. I invite you to keep on mind:
* Being transgender is not incompatible with Christian faith. You are transgender because God made you this way. Being the way God made you cannot possibly be incompatible with living a righteous life.
* You have an opportunity to show others this - that you can be a strong Christian and be transgender at the same time.
* But it will be difficult. People have preconceived notions. You'll have to educate people at every turn. The advantage is that you are in a position where your words are already respected and will carry weight.
* God sent you on this journey. By showing people how to be trans and be a good Christian, you are doing God's work.

[ImagineKate]

Kelli, I admire your courage, transitioning in that sort of environment. I invite you to keep on mind:
* Being transgender is not incompatible with Christian faith. You are transgender because God made you this way. Being the way God made you cannot possibly be incompatible with living a righteous life.
* You have an opportunity to show others this - that you can be a strong Christian and be transgender at the same time.
* But it will be difficult. People have preconceived notions. You'll have to educate people at every turn. The advantage is that you are in a position where your words are already respected and will carry weight.
* God sent you on this journey. By showing people how to be trans and be a good Christian, you are doing God's work.

I agree with this.

I am Catholic and I thought that I would be condemned to hell. But my parish priest was actually very supportive. However the issue of me being in a same sex marriage with my wife would result in our marriage no longer being recognized by the church. That is something I have to reconcile. I also have to step down from a public position as a lay minister (lector). However, I can still receive communion and I can still go to mass as usual as any other parishoner.

[ChrissyChips]

Well personally I came out to my wife within days of accepting it fully myself, not to do so would have felt like lying.  But then the opinions of my wife and children are the only ones in the world that matter to me, anyone else can take a jump. 
I guess things are different for you, so all I can say is good luck.

[awilliams1701]

I'm afraid I don't know the complete story, but there is a pastor here in the Huntsville area that came out as gay and decided to make his church a sanctuary for the LGBT community. Since then he has opened additional buildings who's sole purpose is to help struggling LGBT people. I believe that pretty much everything in the area that's pro LGBT is because of him. This is Alabama and normally not a great place to be, but I believe that because of his courage, he is one of the reasons why Huntsville is such a decent place to be for LGBT individuals.

[Randi]

I know I'm in the minority here, but I advise against coming out. 

A wise person will only transition to the extent required to make the dysphoria quiet down to a tolerable level.  At this time you don't know what that point is.  Comparatively few transwomen go for the full transition with SRS, and name change.

Coming out raises the spectre of a rapid and full sex change.  The people you tell will assume you will become a woman in short order, wearing dresses, makeup, wigs and dating men. They may be unable to distinguish between a transsexual and a drag queen.  In fact there are more moderate solutions that may be quite suitable for you.

You may find that small measures, such as better grooming, removing body hair, growing out your fingernails and perhaps clear polish, low dose estrogen etc. are satisfactory to you.

For example, my typical summertime attire is a polo shirt, shorts and either sandals or women's Nikes.   Plenty of women could wear the same thing with no questions asked.  I wear men's underwear, but without the fly-front, so it feels more feminine to me.

You can accept that you ARE a woman, but are acting out the role of a man.  I'm not suggesting that you deny your true self, only that you not alarm your parishioners and family un-necessarily.  The changes can be subtle and can take up to a decade.  A lot can happen in that time span.  Baby steps are the best for most people.

Randi 



 

[Minervham]

Hi to all my sisters it has been a long time since I have been here. I was close to a break through last year and I was scared and went back into serve denial. this time however I became so depressed I was borderline suicidal. A dear friend made me aware of my state of mind and I am back with a counselor who is awesome! I have excepted the fact that I am a woman, I always was and I always will be! This is hard for me to express due to my right wing conservative Christian beliefs. No one was more shocked than I when I realized I was born this way. I never understood that statement till now and this also causes a huge uproar in my spiritual being. I am working things out and I am looking for an LGBTA support group near me.

I said all this to ask the question when is the right time to come out? Do I go gradually or burst on to the scene? I have 5 children and a wife, I also am the pastor of a conservative church. These are factors in my decision that need to be taken into consideration.

Thank you to all my sisters out there!

Well, the only thing I can tell you is that you'll know when it's time. No one can tell you your ready, it's just something that comes innately I think. I would definitely caution against the whole "shock and awe" campaign. You have to be mindful of the fact that your decisions impact the lives of many people, and that they may take awhile to warm up to you transitioning. What I did was go to all my friends individually and told them one by one, and when my parents were back in town for awhile I finally told them at the same time. After that I still dressed as a man for alittle, but I began to feminize my voice and wore a little pink every day. Remember, this is as much a transition for your loved ones as it is for you.

Now, in no way am I saying don't transition, all I'm trying to tell you is to take it slowly at first. Don't feel pressured for any reason to jump the gun, just set your own pace and do whatever is most comfortable to you. I know what it's like coming from a conservative background, been military for the last seven years, and my family wasn't very supportive at first. My dad used to joke when I was little about how he and his friends jumped this trans person outside a bar and put her in the hospital, so it's been a slow journey with him. Oh lol, can't believe I almost forgot to mention this, I'm a pastor myself so I kinda know what that's like, even did the marriage ceremony for two of my best friends. There will be growing pains involved here, and that's why it's absolutely critical you get support from your friends, family, and healthcare professionals. I don't know if anybody could just do this on their own, so don't try to.

If you need anything, PM me any time

[Minervham]

I agree with this.

I am Catholic and I thought that I would be condemned to hell. But my parish priest was actually very supportive. However the issue of me being in a same sex marriage with my wife would result in our marriage no longer being recognized by the church. That is something I have to reconcile. I also have to step down from a public position as a lay minister (lector). However, I can still receive communion and I can still go to mass as usual as any other parishoner.

Correct, being transgender should not automatically cut you off from your faith. The Lord never gives us more than we can handle, and your faith will probably be critical to your transition. Kelli, have you considered looking for another church in the area that is LGBT friendly?

[katrinaw]

Hi Kelli... I could ramble on here, but I'll try not to.
I have known all my life, but got caught up in the right thing to do, in many different guises... Today I am now trying to find the right words and time to come out to wife and kids (with grandkids) and family/friends etc. Have been here many times, always something stopped me, because of my delaying I will probably hurt more people than before. I am also many, many years older... but as others have said you need to feel comfortable and know when its right.
I started HRT over 10 years ago, in an attempt to ready myself and make sure I felt right, I do, but again have let time run away...
I can't give you advice on how or when, after all, still struggling myself.... but I can tell you what its like to struggle with your heart, emotions and logic over the years.


PM me anytime

L Katy