Explaining transition to someone who doesn't understand

[TheBear]

My partner, who is is not at all supportive of my coming out as trans (I'm still pre-T), asked me a really strange question last night in yet another heated discussion that I did not know how to answer properly.

She asked why does anyone have to actually physically transition because surely we could be anything we like in our heads and be happy with that if we were confident in who we are i.e. feeling male?

I replied that the general public only see the outside physical appearance and respond accordingly by calling us Miss, or Ma'am etc, which causes a huge amount of stress when that isn't what we are. It just emphasises the disparity between brain and body.

She doesn't see that as a reason to physically transition as she said ethnic people can't change their skin colour or short people become tall. She firmly believes we should live how we were made as no-one is 100% happy with their looks.

She also seriously asked why don't gender clinics treat gender dysphoria by changing the brain to match the body instead of the other way round?

I was shocked to be honest. I came out to her and my family six months ago now and it's been nothing but stressful at home as my partner has told me over and over again that I've destroyed our relationship as I've been deceiving her all the years we've been together. My family are now supportive but I think my partner is hurting so much that she doesn't want to understand. She reminds me often that I'm not the person she married because that person wouldn't have ever been so cruel by ruining her life.

I truly don't want us to permanently split up but it's not looking at all hopeful. I don't think she'll ever want to understand things from my point of view and realise that I have to transition for my own well being and happiness. I know that is selfish but the prospect of not doing so is unthinkable. We're just at opposite ends with no middle ground.

She has never wanted to have a relationship with a man and is still of that mindset as she values her lesbian identity. I can't help but feel she values that more than me but then again I can't not transition to save our relationship. I know hand on heart I would still want to be with my partner if things were the other way round and she transitioned even though I've only ever been attracted to women. No, I wouldn't go out and actively seek a relationship with a man but I'd go with it and be supportive if it was my partner.

I reached rock bottom before coming out and I know I can't return to that as I was broken and stressed beyond words, not wanting to even leave the house as I had zero self-confidence. Since then, I've been happier in myself than I have been for years, if not forever, as I finally feel comfortable with who I am and know that the chance to start T is now not that far away. I feel guilty that I'm so happy as I never intended to hurt my partner and it's horrible seeing her so miserable. I guess I am totally selfish as I've caused that...

[adrian]

Hey Bear,

I'm sorry things aren't going so well with your partner. I can relate very much -- the situation with my husband is very similar.

But please accept that your actions are not selfish. It is your right to seek "treatment" for the dysphoria. It is your right to take measures to help you feel more at home in your body and more at ease with how others perceive you. I think it's near impossible to make a person who has never questioned their gender identity understand this.

My husband and I are seeing a counselor, and it has proved helpful in getting communication going a little. I also have a hard time getting over the fact that thinks he may not be able to be my partner anymore when / if I transition. I feel like you -- if he were the one to transition, I would still love him (her) because I love the person and not the shell. But I'm beginning to understand and accept that not everyone is like that, and that it doesn't mean he "doesn't really love me". It's hard to accept and I'm still a long way from being able to take a step towards transition if it means I will lose him. But I also know I most likely cannot ignore my identity much longer.

[Bran]

This is really rough.  All I can give are my own answers.

Aside from the ethics, there *is* no way to change the mind to match the body-- reparative therapy doesn't work for trans folks anymore than for gay folks.  Changing the body is the most effective treatment available to releive dysphoria.  You might also try asking her which she would consider to be more undermining her status as a person, mastectomy or electroconvulsive therapy.  No one should be under any obligation to "change their brain."

The way I explained the desire to physically transition to my partner was to say that, if the world would accept me as a man and treat me as a man without surgery or hormones, I don't think I'd need them.  Now, that's just me.  Everyone has things about their body they don't like, and I think I could cope fine with being a short man with breasts and no body hair, if I were just a *man*.  But gender is a social concept, which means that, in order for gender to "work" (not to be valid, to be functional), it must on some level be recognized by society.  Every dau as a woman feels like one great big lie that no one will let me stop telling.  It sucks. 

I wish you luck with your partner.  My wife, also lesbian, has had some of the same issues, bu we're doing OK at the moment because she's willing to wait and see where this goes.  But if your partner doesn't want to try, would really rather loose you than consider the possibility she might be happy in a relationship with a man, there's no help for it.  But that is not your fault.  Unfortunately, the people around us are often hurt by our coming out and our transition.  But we don't do it to hurt them, and we're not responsible for inflicting their pain.  Doing yourself irrevocable harm to avoid causing pain to others isn't a viable answer.  Society and the stupid gender system is responsible for their pain, with a large dash of chance thrown in for good measure. 

This guilt isn't yours, don't carry it. 

[Ms Grace]

Hugs, it's never good to have people who are nearest and dearest to us unwilling or unable to understand our situation and why we need to transition. Keep in mind through, it has to cut both ways, if your wife identifies as lesbian it may be an ask too far for her to be in a relationship with a man and she shouldn't be expected to change her orientation any more than you should be expected not to transition. It's tough, very tough for both people when the gender identity of one collides with the sexual identity of the other. As suggested above, counselling might help.

[Sir Real]

This is actually a pretty common argument.  It's also one that hurt me the most when it was slung my way (although it was more religious in my case). This is just how I see it.  If I had a magic pill to change who I am or what I am, I'd change what I am.  The who being my gender identity and the what being my body.  Asking someone to change who they are is downright one of the biggest insults I've ever received.  Being a man or a woman is more than a societal construct to some people, although that is a good part of it.  I would still be a man if I was alone, by myself on an island.  It's an integral part of who I am. It's not easily spoken in words, I don't know if we even have the language required to fully articulate it. I would also still feel dysphoric about my body.  That might not be the way it is for everyone, I'm just speaking for myself here.  My body actually feels wrong, though. I feel weird about my body, it's just... simply all wrong. Like I'm supposed to have something down there and there isn't and it's just so... I'm just missing something. I'm sure if your girlfriend woke up suddenly with male parts and no boobs, small hips and a hairy, wide man-chest, it would just feel all wrong for her too. But it makes sense to a transman for these things to happen.  It's something we desire, even (to some degree or another depending on the guy).  What does that tell us? There's something fundamentally different between a ciswoman and a transman.  Another thing is research is showing more and more that transsexual people actually have a physical difference in their brain.  There's a part of the brain that reliably shows the sex of a person and in transsexual people it's closer to, or of, the gender they feel they are.  They can measure this, post-mortem.  (A lot of people are understandably afraid of the possibility of measuring trans-ness, I'm just stating where we're at right now.)
Ultimately, I think people who have this argument sometimes mean well, they just don't understand what it's like.  How could they?  Ah well, that's just my perspective on it.

[Bran]

"This is just how I see it.  If I had a magic pill to change who I am or what I am, I'd change what I am.  The who being my gender identity and the what being my body.  Asking someone to change who they are is downright one of the biggest insults I've ever received.  Being a man or a woman is more than a societal construct to some people, although that is a good part of it.  I would still be a man if I was alone, by myself on an island.  It's an integral part of who I am. It's not easily spoken in words, I don't know if we even have the language required to fully articulate it. I would also still feel dysphoric about my body. 

That's very well said, and I agree.  Gender and gender roles are a social thing, but society didn't invent the idea of gender.  IMO, humans are biologically programmed to develop some sort of gender system, and to identify a gender for ourselves.  For most people, the gender they identify with matches their reproductive anatomy, but not for everyone.  And you can be a man, whatever society thinks of you-- but you can't really function as a man unless (some part of ) society acknowledges you as one. 

I think I'd still be less than thrilled with my body even if it didn't have social significance.  But, for me,  I think the physical traits I am dysphoric about would be more a cosmetic issue, rather than an identity issue, if they didn't have any impact on my perceived gender. 

[traci_k]

Bear, Sorry to hear about the difficulty of acceptance but as it is with many here, some SO's will, some SO's can't accept.

But to address the point why can't they change the brain? It has been tried and for the most part been essentially a failure. It is called reparative therapy and has been banned in many states for use with minors due to ineffectiveness  and potentially disastrous repercussions.

Best Wishes,

[Sephirah]

It's hard for someone to understand who doesn't have the feelings inside them. Sympathy isn't the same thing as empathy.

I think if it was me, I would just ask her to imagine how she would feel if everyone in the world treated her as a man. All the time. 24/7. If all anyone saw was a man. Believed that's how she thought... applied every stereotype going to her as a man. How she would feel if everyone she ever met and had contact with had a set of assumptions in their heads of how she would act, behave, respond, think and feel for every given situation. And how she would feel if she woke up with a male body. With the same mind, but with a body that refused to comply to that mind.

If no matter how much she wanted to be herself, feel comfortable in her own skin, and express herself, she couldn't, because the whole world and her anatomy saw something different to what she saw herself.

Why don't clinics treat the brain? Because they don't understand the brain. They don't understand what it is about us which makes us... us. Only we know that. Through emotion, and intimate feeling. Because no matter how close people get to understanding what it is about the brain which makes us... us... there's still that leap which has to be made to try and explain it away. And treating something you don't understand... where do you even start? Where do you even get the concrete idea that you actually need to?

No, a lot of people aren't happy in their looks. But you might still not be happy with your looks after transition. Which is a different thing than not being happy with your entire body and physical composition. A different thing entirely. You could still think there are things you want to change about yourself. But thinking those things in your right body is a whole different thing than wanting to get the right body to begin with.

*extra big hug*

[adrian]

As for the looks, I'd totally embrace looking shifty if I get to look shifty in the correct body (edit: dang autocorrect, I did not mean "shifty". Well, just read double-t )

Before I acknowledged where my hate of my body stemmed from, I always puzzled by how I thought "other" women not matching our society's standards of beauty were still beautiful. But it never applied to me. As soon as I gained a bit of weight, I freaked. Today I know it was about gaining in the wrong places.

So my point is, I guess, I want to reinforce that this isn't about looks.

[FTMax]

She is trying to be logical. You need to break through that and hit her in the feels. Tell her what happens by and large to people who don't transition: they are depressed, they are anxious, they are much more likely to attempt suicide, etc. There is a lot of information out there. My feeling is that I won't get anywhere with a logically-focused person who refuses to do their own research. If they do their own unbiased research, they begin to get it. But on an interpersonal level, most people relent when they understand that it's either transition or I die.

[CursedFireDean]

She is trying to be logical. You need to break through that and hit her in the feels. Tell her what happens by and large to people who don't transition: they are depressed, they are anxious, they are much more likely to attempt suicide, etc. There is a lot of information out there. My feeling is that I won't get anywhere with a logically-focused person who refuses to do their own research. If they do their own unbiased research, they begin to get it. But on an interpersonal level, most people relent when they understand that it's either transition or I die.

My mom seemed okay with my identity at first but questioned my decision to transition. But once she saw statistics about peiple who don't vs people who do, and especially once she saw me after I started T, she got much more on board with it. Sometimes I think the shock of those statistics is necessary.

[Dee Marshall]

My mom seemed okay with my identity at first but questioned my decision to transition. But once she saw statistics about peiple who don't vs people who do, and especially once she saw me after I started T, she got much more on board with it. Sometimes I think the shock of those statistics is necessary.

Unfortunately, that doesn't work so well with people who won't accept the basic premise that you're trans. "I believe that other people are trans, but not you. You talked yourself into it. You've never shown any signs.... You hold everything in, I never know what's going on with you." The answer to statement 3 being in statement 4. There's no way I know to break through that.

[TheBear]

Hi everyone. Thank you so much for all of your advice. It has given me a lot of reassurance and acceptance that I cannot expect my partner to change my sexuality for me.

I must say when she asked about treating the brain instead of the body, I was truly horrified because that way of thinking is from the dark ages and very dangerous.

The past couple of days have changed my hopes for the future. It appears my partner has serious anger management issues. She has had quite a few outbursts since I came out, including screaming at my parents within earshot of neighbours a couple of months ago asking them why the hell they weren't doing anything to stop me. She denied that event afterwards and since then, including this past Sunday, did the same to my friends, including threatening them and terrifying mine and their dogs in the process, because they're all supporting me. She is doing her best to try and turn everyone against me because she wants me to pay for what I've done to her and be left with no-one, plus she wants me to be miserable. She has told me many times I should move away from my hometown where my friends and family live too, give up my good job and go somewhere where nobody knows me because that's the price I should pay for destroying her (and everyone else's) life, although she's the only person not ok with me being trans. I understand she's got more reason to be upset than anyone but to me, none of her actions since I came out suggest she even loves me anymore. I would rather be alone but happy as a man the rest of my life than stay in this relationship as a woman. I don't even object to being an ugly man as that is preferable to being a prisoner in my existing body.

I honestly can't see a future for us as a couple anymore. I don't feel I can trust her not to find more creative ways to hurt me back, plus the timing of her anger outbursts are unpredictable. I dread going home if I know she'll be there when I get back. It's so hard though because a part of me still loves her. I just think staying together would be detrimental to both of us for different reasons - I'd be a constant reminder to my partner that I'm not who she wants me to be. My physical health has taken an absolute battering from this relationship stress, not to mention my emotional well being.

Splitting up won't be easy as she'll make it as hard as she possibly can on me but I keep just trying to remind myself that life will get better at some point.

[Bran]

. . . The past couple of days have changed my hopes for the future. It appears my partner has serious anger management issues. She has had quite a few outbursts since I came out, including screaming at my parents within earshot of neighbours a couple of months ago asking them why the hell they weren't doing anything to stop me. She denied that event afterwards and since then, including this past Sunday, did the same to my friends, including threatening them and terrifying mine and their dogs in the process, because they're all supporting me. She is doing her best to try and turn everyone against me because she wants me to pay for what I've done to her and be left with no-one, plus she wants me to be miserable.

So, in my book, this is not behavior you should have to tolerate, even briefly.  I don't know what legal or practical ties there may be between you, or what your separate financial situations are, all of which could make this harder.  But this sounds like its time to change the locks, or crash on a friend's sofa-- depending on whose name is on the lease.  What you describe is beyond the bounds even of what's understandable during a bad breakup.  You can't see a future for you as a couple anymore?  Do you even have a present?  You love her, but she still doesn't get to treat you like this!

And, I'm really sorry, man. Breaking up with someone you love is never easy, but it's even harder when they're so cruel, and it's because of something you can't change. Hang in there.  Because you're right, things will get better. 

[PucksWaywardSon]

Being trans *is* personal, and selfish, in a way. Transitioning is probably the most All About You thing you'll ever do. But it has to be. By turning it round and making it about you ruining her life? Tough. It's not her life that's at stake.

THAT SAID.

I destroyed my last relationship by keeping quiet about the questioning until it got to the point where I *had* to come out and start (socially) transitioning (I'm still pre-everything) after honestly a year or more. By the time I came out there was nothing left to save and he wouldn't have been able to stay in a relationship with a dude anyway. He's tried to understand, eventually, but it took a few months after the breakup before we were able to really sit down and talk about it, from the safety of our respective computer screens.

I guess my only real advice would be to keep talking, use your words. Reach out in what ways you can. If you can find the words to explain specific stressors (probably at least some of them body/bedroom-related) talk about them. It's hard, but it's hard on them if you leave them guessing. A number of the more prolific youtuber guys have videos targetted at friends/family/supporters/partners and it might be worth seeing if you can find one of those that closely matches your narrative that you can pass on to your other half if that's an easier way to break the ice.

And if all really does fail, it sucks, nobody's going to deny that, but a lot of us have been there. (And as horrible as it sounds, having one less negative voice against your transition is not *much* of a tradeoff but it's something.)

[MykelMW]

  I went throughout the same thing with my partner when I first came out to her ( there is still times when it is revisited ). I thought for sure she would be the first one to accept and understand, but as much as she accepted the general Trans* community, she couldn't understand my struggle and why is was necessary. After months of arguing and being almost certain that our relationship would end, we came to the conclusion that my growing dysphoria was not going to just go away and that the more I tried to push it down and ignore it ( for her sake ) the more I resented her.. It felt like she wanted me to hate myself ( I now see that was a ridiculous thought ) Eventually she came around and we have since agreed that we will take things 1 step at a time and go about everything safely and as a team. Also, The "lesbian identity thing" was a HUGE thing with my girlfriend too. She will still not call me her boyfriend so she uses partner. I thought it was just her, guess not.

  The physical transition is, usually, necessary ... the way I described it to her to help her understand was basically just explaining to that I have always been male, I never realized this until all of the boys my age started to go through puberty and go through their own changes, while I was growing into a women.. It's like being betrayed by your own body. She will most likely never grasp the weight of feelings tied to your dysphoria but hopefully she will be able to some-what put herself in your shoes and imagine the stress of waking up day after day in the wrong skin. 

Im sorry that you're going through this, I hope everything gets better.

[Gothic Dandy]

I agree with Bran, get the frigg out of there, man.

I can sympathize with you, since my husband has said similar stupid things about "why can't you just be you in your head and be comfortable with your body?" and has also tried to turn the situation around so that he is constantly the one in pain and in need of support. I really tried to compromise for him and be there for him, but it's taken a toll on my own emotional health. I tried telling him that too, and again the conversation somehow flipped around so that I was the one hurting him. It boggles my mind and makes me feel totally powerless.

Even though my misery loves company, I'm so sad how common this situation is. Love Conquers All (Unless You're Transgender)!

[Jayne]

I've not read every response so may be repeating what others have said, if you alter the brain you alter the personality so brain surgery is not the answer. Bringing the body into line with the brain is the only true solution available.

It may help to explain being trans like this, you go through the day feeling that you are the right gender until someone miss genders you, you look down & realise that you are trapped in the wrong body, the feeling this causes can range from mild emotional discomfort to full blown depression, it's soul destroying & eats away at you until life with it becomes unbearable.
Without body altering surgery a trans person has to deal with this on a daily basis, ask your partner how long they could face this struggle, if they claim it wouldn't bother them then I'd say they either didn't care or are so full of anger that they are refusing to see your point of view.

[Going4Miles]

How about this ... asking a trans individual to reprogram their minds to match their body's birth gender would be the equivalent to asking a gay or lesbian person to be heterosexual.  It doesn't work.  You are who you are, period.  Gender is defined by what's between the ears.  You can't change who you are.  You can expand your views and try new things, but trying to change your own mind's wiring does not work.  You may find in life that you were wrong about something about yourself and discover that you need to change to make things right, but to simply try to reprogram your own mind does not work and you will fail at it.  If anything, you will make yourself miserable and life is too short to live that way.  No one deserves to suffer.  Denying yourself the right to live your life authentically, in the way that you need to be, will only make things worse and could even lead you to a very dark path and possibly a road to self destruction.  This is YOUR right to really pursue this path so you can finally be free.  The subjective of ->-bleeped-<- is still relatively new to most people and unless you yourself are trans, it is very difficult to explain and  understand.  My advice is to tell these people that they don't need to understand; rather, just tell them to accept it.  There are many things in life that we do not understand and this is one of those things.  All you can do is to share your own personal stories of self discovery to these people and maybe even explain to them about your own dysphoria.  For me personally, I explain to people that I've got 2 souls inside, a male and female, but my male energy has become dominate and needs to come out, which is the reason why I am transitioning from female to male.  It has become a real world necessity.  No one is completely one gender, just as no one is 100% heterosexual or homosexual.  Gender falls under a continuum and sexuality is just as wide in its spectrum.           

[sneakersjay]

Yeah, they've tried the brain changing thing and it just doesn't work. Aligning your body to match your mind does.

Sorry she doesn't get it.  Sadly, most relationships do end with transition.  Some do not; but even that does require a lot of work and commitment.

My relationship ended prior to transition for other reasons, but it would not have survived transition at all.  I didn't date during the transition period; instead opting to wait until all was said and done.  Now if someone wants to be in a relationship with me, it is with ME and not some other pretend version of me.

Good luck with your transition.  It's a tough road but oh so worth it!