Coming Out, Jenner Style

[translora]

I've been working on my strategy for coming out, and thinking about Bruce Jenner. Assuming that he is in transition (certainly not confirmed, but generally accepted in the media), what do you think of his style of coming out -- or, should I say, NOT coming out?

The conventional wisdom seems to say it's best to be open and honest with everyone in our lives -- to "come out" -- FULLY and IN ADVANCE of any major transition steps. But I've often wondered about the wisdom of that approach. It seems like it sets up the potential for a lot of shock and anger among the people in our lives. It's easy to see how they might feel betrayed: "You mean you've been hiding this from me for the whole time I've known you?!?"

I've also read lots of advice about picking a day to go full time, and then coordinating your coming out around that, especially when it comes to your work life. One day you present as a man, and the next (and forever after) as a woman. This kind of approach just doesn't feel right to me because it sort of says, "I'm doing this, so deal with it." It doesn't give much of a chance for people to get used to the whole idea gradually, and seems to maximize the potential for adverse reactions to be immediately set in stone.

I remember one girl from my high school days in a small -- and small-minded -- town. She had been fairly masculine all her life, and many people had made assumptions about her for a long time. This was a place that was generally hostile toward anything out of the ordinary, but, when she finally came out as lesbian, everyone basically just shrugged and said, "So what? No surprise there." I've heard similar stories from other LGB folks I've known, many of whom simply could never hide that part of their personality.

But T folks seem to get pretty good at hiding that part of themselves (which includes me). When we finally come out, the shock factor can sometimes be through the roof. That's why I've started to think that I'd rather start HRT without any big coming out moment, gradually moving to more androgynous clothing, and giving people an opportunity to speculate and adjust at their own pace -- while also being prepared to answer questions honestly as they arise, something Jenner has not done. (But he lives in the world of paparazzi and gossip media, which most of us do not. The scrutiny has to make the whole thing even more difficult.)

My point is that, when Bruce Jenner finally does come out, the whole world is pretty much going to say, "So what? No surprise there." That's sort of the reaction I'd like to get from the people in my life, but I could only get that by revealing myself gradually.

I know that my news is going to shock some people no matter how I go about it, but am I crazy to go for some sort of soft-landing coming out experience?

Lora

[Ms Grace]

Hey Lora, I guess it comes down to what feels is the right approach for you. Everyone has different circumstances and people in their lives so they need to be guided about that.

I've also read lots of advice about picking a day to go full time, and then coordinating your coming out around that, especially when it comes to your work life. One day you present as a man, and the next (and forever after) as a woman. This kind of approach just doesn't feel right to me because it sort of says, "I'm doing this, so deal with it." It doesn't give much of a chance for people to get used to the whole idea gradually, and seems to maximize the potential for adverse reactions to be immediately set in stone.

This approach actually worked very well for me. Sure a few people were a bit surprised but they adapted very quickly. In my first attempt at transition I never made it to full-time even though I had been on HRT for two years. There was a lot of back and forth and prevarication - sometimes I was a guy and sometimes a girl and it really stretched the patience of my otherwise remarkably supportive friends. It also gave the rumour mill plenty to work with. I found that picking a day and sticking with it, even if there were days when it was difficult, was the best thing for me. It may be different for you of course. Like I said, go with the flow, you'll know when the time is right!

[katiej]

I also think the slow, measured approach is probably the best for most people.  But keep in mind that we don't know how Bruce Jenner came out to family and friends...i.e. the people he actually knows.  I can totally see why he's worked hard to keep this from the public until he was ready to go full-time.  The already extreme level of scrutiny he lives under would be unbearable if he tried to slowly transition while in the spotlight.  He hasn't even publicly confirmed that he's transitioning, and his french manicure was on the front page of all the tabloids. 

[katrinaw]

I have been on HRT 10 years or more and still to come out, why, because I did not want to come out till I felt I could wing it, probably because I will be out on my own. So for me its been slow and testing... bit hard hiding things now, so time is nigh!

I did not let anyone know my true self through many years of purgatory... I can't really give advice... but I am inclined to think back and wish I had come out many, many years ago!

Just my own views on my position.

Good luck with whichever path you choose... 

L Katy

[jojoglowe]

I was on HRT for about 1.5 years before coming out to everyone. I had came out to a few close friends for support earlier, but I knew they would be accepting.

When it did come time to go full-time and come out to everyone, I just did it, and stuck with it. I got a new name and asked that everyone call me by it.

I chose to go on HRT before coming out to anyone because I didn't want to give them the opportunity to try to "fix me", or talk me out of it. I just didn't want to hear it. Telling someone you're about to do something is one thing, but telling someone you've been doing this for 1.5 years and here's what will happen next is a done deal, no questions asked (well, of course questions were asked).

I was also very good at hiding my trans-ness. This probably had something to do with my decision to have a late coming out.

To my surprise, some of my close friends who I thought would be the most trans-phobic were the ones who were most upset that I didn't feel comfortable telling them. They felt like they were an inadequate friend. Either way, that's in the past and we're still super close now.

If you do it that way, be prepared for the "you look so young!" "your skin/hair is soo pretty!" "you haven't aged" 

[allisonsteph]

I was on HRT for about 1.5 years before coming out to everyone. I had came out to a few close friends for support earlier, but I knew they would be accepting.

When it did come time to go full-time and come out to everyone, I just did it, and stuck with it. I got a new name and asked that everyone call me by it.

I chose to go on HRT before coming out to anyone because I didn't want to give them the opportunity to try to "fix me", or talk me out of it. I just didn't want to hear it. Telling someone you're about to do something is one thing, but telling someone you've been doing this for 1.5 years and here's what will happen next is a done deal, no questions asked (well, of course questions were asked).

This was how I had planned to come out, I was going to stay on HRT until I could no longer hide the changes. It started becoming obvious that my manager at work was trying to get rid of me for other reasons, so I hastily threw together an alternate plan. I was trying to time my coming out as close to the time they were set to fire me as possible; thinking dropping news like that would force them to back down for a while fearing a discrimination lawsuit. I never got the opportunity though, the day I had planned on coming out was the day I got fired.

I started living full time the next day, but became a recluse. On the rare occasions that I did run into someone I knew I had to tell them. I saved my coming out announcement until New Year's Day 2014. By that point I had been living full time for over three months, had filed the paperwork to legally change my name, and had the blood work done to begin HRT. By then the train was moving at full speed with no breaks; and there was no way someone could stop me.

[Foxglove]

I myself came out on a set date--complete switchover from one day to the next.  However, I did give advance warning to people I knew well so that it wouldn't come as a complete surprise to them.  To my immense surprise and relief, every one of them was completely accepting and supportive.

So that strategy worked for me.  The reason I did it like that was that I didn't have the patience for a gradual changeover.  I'd been in the closet for far too many years and I was desperate to get out.  So I did it in one fell swoop.  Fortunately things turned out alright.

[ImagineKate]

I plan to go full time in a few months. I am thinking summer 2015. However I am making small changes that people notice. So yes maybe I'm doing it Jenner style.

[Ms Grace]

The reason I did it like that was that I didn't have the patience for a gradual changeover.  I'd been in the closet for far too many years and I was desperate to get out.  So I did it in one fell swoop.  Fortunately things turned out alright.

Yep this was me. In fact, once I realised that my public trips in girl mode seemed to be working out much better than I had expected I became annoyed with switching between modes and having to deny to others who I really was. Grace was impatient to be FREE! I had planned to transition early June 2014 but ended up going three months earlier. But I was feeling confident (very confident, in fact, misplaced or not) and that was a missing component during my first attempt at transition. Like I mentioned above, when you're ready is the time. Some people like to jump in the pool at the deep end while others prefer to wade in slowly..whatever suits you is the best thing.

[Brynn]

I have been on hormones for 2.5 years, and I am only just now coming out to my family. In fact, I started with my sister just yesterday. I only decided to come out now because the changes are soon going to be completely obvious and I figured that it would be disrespectful to not tell my family what was going on.

There is nothing wrong with going this route IMO. I am a perfectionist and I tend to be fairly self-conscious, so it worked for me. It gave me time to work on my voice and make the mental adjustments that I needed to make. Also, I work in a rather male dominated, blue-collar work place, so I figured that slowly becoming more and more androgynous would work in my favor.

BUT, I was on hormones for a year and a half before I started growing out my hair; I only started electrolysis in September; and I have been wearing a hoodie year-round to hide my boobs. So, if your dysphoria is quite intense or hormones make it impossible to pass as your assigned gender or you are not good at concealing aspects of yourself, taking it slow might be a bad idea.

Unfortunately FTM's don't really have this option due to the voice changes and the emergence of facial hair.

[BunnyBee]

I did more the Lana Wachowski way.  I mean I told people this was happening, but didn't let them really see me until I looked the part.  Maybe it was shocking idk, but I didn't feel like I could pull off an androgynous look un-awkwardly, and I don't regret doing it the way I did.  You have to feel out your own way tho.

[suzifrommd]

I did a lot of feminizing (long nails, long hair, ears pierced, HRT) the year before I came out, but I didn't let people see me with wig, makeup, breast forms, and female clothing until I had fully come out.

[Kira357]

I plan to go full time in a few months. I am thinking summer 2015. However I am making small changes that people notice. So yes maybe I'm doing it Jenner style.

My goal is being f/t by the end of 2015. My job is probably the main delay right now. I got involuntarily outed @ work, so a lot of people here know I'm trans, but i still present quasi-male/androgynous for now. I don't think they really know what transgender actually means, lol...

I work in a hospital, so I just wear my standard-issue blue scrubs, but wear women's jewelry, with lots of pink and purple, and I'm really responding well to HRT, so I guess anyone who hasn't figured it out yet is just going to be in for a big surprise around this time next year !!

I understand the feeling of desperation some have mentioned, and it's going to be really hard to find the patience to go another year part-time, but this is far and away my biggest life change ever, and I really need to get it right. For now I just have to bide my time and keep my eyes on the prize !!

[translora]

Thanks for all the replies!

Perhaps I'm in the minority in that I feel no desperation to transition. It's more like a drum beating inside which has just gotten louder and louder until it cannot be ignored. That's a large reason for preferring a gradual coming out (to go with a very gradual transition).

I'm also with those who want to minimize the "clumsy femininity" stage. Changing things incrementally, while it does involve a period of androgyny (which I accept despite not really liking it), seems like the best way to really practice and push the boundaries a little at a time.

Perhaps I will feel differently once the hormones kick in...

Lora

[Foxglove]

Perhaps I'm in the minority in that I feel no desperation to transition.

I don't know that you're in the minority.  It depends on how you count.  If we count crossdressers as transgender (which virtually everybody does) then the majority have no desire at all to transition.  From the estimates I've seen, only 4-5% of transpeople fully transition.

However you look at the situation, you certainly wouldn't be the only one who "feels no desperation" to transition.  As we all know, it's best for each individual to decide what's best for him/her.

[Steph34]

But T folks seem to get pretty good at hiding that part of themselves (which includes me). When we finally come out, the shock factor can sometimes be through the roof. That's why I've started to think that I'd rather start HRT without any big coming out moment, gradually moving to more androgynous clothing, and giving people an opportunity to speculate and adjust at their own pace -- while also being prepared to answer questions honestly as they arise, something Jenner has not done.

The gradual approach worked well for me. If I had said last year that I am going to transition this year, I would probably be homeless and bald right now. As it is, my mother said it was news to her but accepted it once I presented the back story behind my identity and my need to transition. Even my father, who I feared would attack me, was not surprised given all the little hints I dropped over the years. He was like "Yeah, whatever," and later told my mother "so that is why he is so obsessed with his hair!" Um, yeah. It gets annoying to be called 'he' after a while, especially now that they know.

I chose to go on HRT before coming out to anyone because I didn't want to give them the opportunity to try to "fix me", or talk me out of it. I just didn't want to hear it. Telling someone you're about to do something is one thing, but telling someone you've been doing this for 1.5 years and here's what will happen next is a done deal, no questions asked (well, of course questions were asked).

Yes, that! I waited until after few months on HRT before saying anything, for precisely those reasons.

In fact, once I realised that my public trips in girl mode seemed to be working out much better than I had expected I became annoyed with switching between modes and having to deny to others who I really was. Grace was impatient to be FREE! I had planned to transition early June 2014 but ended up going three months earlier.

I felt the same way. Even though I could not pass well (and still can't), it was so liberating to present myself as female online and in public that I became all the more dysphoric around my family. Suddenly, I hated being anywhere near them.

I did a lot of feminizing (long nails, long hair, ears pierced, HRT) the year before I came out, but I didn't let people see me with wig, makeup, breast forms, and female clothing until I had fully come out.

The long hair ruined me. I started growing it in 2009 because it eased my dysphoria. I even convinced myself that I could "live with being male" if I could at least have beautiful hair. Unfortunately, in the five ensuing years I developed MPB and all my features became much more masculine. I could have been so beautiful if not for the "hair excuse," and now I will never even be fully passable.

Perhaps I will feel differently once the hormones kick in...

I sure did. After one day on oral estradiol, trying to hide the truth (literally) almost killed me. It makes me feel so much more feminine when my level spikes; I would describe that "first-time high" as pure bliss.

[spooky]

I didn't bother coming out for a long time.  I just lived my life.

In the end I only had to come out to a few stubborn blockheads who couldn't adjust to my new name, which I never even asked anyone from my previous life to call me until I had changed it legally.  Which was after about a year and a half of HRT, months after FFS, and about two years after being more or less full-time.

For me I felt that fighting people over my name and pronouns would be very difficult for me, so I almost wanted to get to a point where it was *hard* to think of me as male before I insisted to be addressed as female.

During this whole process, however, I had all new people in my personal life use the correct name and pronouns for me.

[Julia-Madrid]

I know that my news is going to shock some people no matter how I go about it, but am I crazy to go for some sort of soft-landing coming out experience?
Lora

Hi Lora

The soft landing you're speaking of is related to two key issues - planning and personal comfort.  Perhaps you can set yourself a timetable of internal (that means personal) changes, and external (publicly visible) changes.  The two are obviously not mutually exclusive, but, by setting yourself these goals, you have a way to creat the soft landing and the approximate timing, which again is mostly under your control.

This should also help with your personal comfort: if the timing you set yourself is realistic, you'll stick to your plan and each change will be smallish, up to a certain point, and hence you won't have many "OMG" moments.

But here's the thing: you canna make an omelette without breaking eggs, lassie, and at some point in time you'll probably have to make a big jump. It comes with the territory for most of us. Perhaps the first is to present in your target gender everywhere except at work. And the next jump would be to add work and go full time. 

My approach was to draw friends, family and selected work colleagues into my transition, and for them to become not only part of my support system, but also a part of my soft landing.  People are basically well-meaning, curious, and helpful, and will strongly collaborate in your transition, if you let them.  Transition includes moments of discomfort - that's obvious and unavoidable  - but the people will really make the difference, even if some might be shocked.

I hope some of this helps

Hugs
Julia