"Came out" to parents...

[darkblade]

Hey guys.. Sorry in advance this looks like it going to be a long rant.

So a week ago I talked to my mom. I'd decided a few days before that I was going to tell her at some point over winter break since I figured the tension between us was going to make the both of us explode soon anyways, and I can say pretty harsh and hurtful things when I'm upset so I thought it best to avoid a situation like that. I ended up telling her a couple of hours after I came home that I was thinking that I might be a boy. She thought I meant intersex, then I tried to explain gender dysphoria to her, but then I had to go to my friend's so I left her with her thoughts to do a bit of her own research. It didn't go as badly as I feared it would, but didn't go as well as I hoped either. The next morning we had a long conversation where I tried to tell her how I felt and she was sort of trying to understand but kept interjecting with stuff like "but you always did this .." or "you never had this problem before" and lots of blaming herself for not letting me express myself as a child. I told her that it isn't her fault even though I think she played a big role in exacerbating whatever it is that's going on in my head, but blaming her isn't going to solve anything.

So I thought, great, my mom is on my side and wants to help. This is what I wanted, right? Well.. My biggest problem is that I don't want to go against my religion. Sometimes I might not be fully convinced, sometimes I think the interpretation isn't exactly correct, but in the end I do love my religion and I wouldn't want to do something that would go against it, especially not something permanent. This isn't to say that I view myself as a model muslim because I'm far from it, but I do wish I was more religious, more spiritual. So when my mom asked me if I thought transition was an option, I said if it was islamicly allowed, then it was an option. I didn't outright say I wanted to transition. So she started to search for an answer. The one I'd previously reached was that it was allowed if there was more to it that just a whim, so I was hopeful. To give me a peace of mind about the whole thing my parents (yes my mom told my dad) even invited a respectable religious scholar over to talk things through. Turns out it isn't, unless you're intersex. Well that shoved all my hopes down the drain. His recommendation (purely from a religious perspective) was to focus on praying and strengthening my faith, and then to follow up with him on my progress in a month. Im not sure what a "follow up" would do since he seemed very adamant about what he said. He kept saying that I showed clear signs of femininity like shyness, being soft spoken, and not looking him in the eyes.. Because it's not like I don't do that when I talk to my therapist too.. I don't know how someone can reach conclusions like that when I was clearly not comfortable at all talking about that stuff in front of both my parents too. My parents trust him though, so I'll just do whatever he suggested and see what happens, it's not like I have much of an alternative anyways.

On a less negative note though, everyone agrees that I'd benefit from therapy, though my mom asked me to stop seeing my therapist and go to the one she found, having spent days searching and looking for recommendations. Not reparative therapy, mind you, I saw her a few days ago and she was pretty nice and even open to transition, but I told her that it doesn't seem like I can go down that path. Not sure if I'm going to stop seeing my gender therapist though.

I know my mom only wants to help, but now I'm trying to slowly let her see a side of me that I've always kept hidden. And I know it's surprising and confusing to her because I never acted this way. I'm also much more emotional than I was in many years. Two days ago she got to see a bit of dysphoria which took us both by  surprise I think. I told her I didn't want to try on any dresses, but it's not like I had much of a choice as we have several family occasions coming up and i know I have to go, so I went and ended up with a sucky mood and some chest discomfort. As soon as I got home I wore my binder (which she didn't know about), in hope that it'll make me feel better, but I'm always wearing sport bras so she didn't notice anything for a while. But my state of mind wasn't improving do in hope of making me feel better she insisted that we go out for ice cream, and then as we stepped into the mall she noticed, made me go change, and gave me a long lecture telling me not to ever wear it again. Well from then things just went downhill and I had to cancel plans I had later in the day. I don't think she put two and two together, but she had a vague notion that the dresses had something to do with it. She didn't really ask, though she was pretty concerned when I kind of had a breakdown.

So that's where my life is now. It doesn't seem like transition is an option for me, though it's very much still on my mind. I just don't want to be a girl. I don't know how any amount of prayer or therapy is going to change the fact that I hate feminine things. But the wheels are set in motion now and I don't really have an option but to go along with things. Maybe I'll spend some time on the non transitioning board here, maybe I'll still come on here every once in a while, maybe I'll just disappear. I don't know what to do with myself, really. It feels like the only hope I had has been shot down and I just feel trapped again. Only now I know why I feel trapped, while I had no real clue a few months ago.

Oh and thanks for reading through this. Sorry for this long monologue.

[Alexthecat]

I ain't religious so not a reason to halt happiness in my book. Obviously your chest is an issue for you so maybe go for top surgery before hormones. You can then be a girl with a flat chest if you chose or go on to full transition when it gets bad and you decide you can still be religious with transition (which will probably happen sooner or later).

[adrian]

Hey darkblade,

wow, you've had a lot going on. Coming out to your parents was a huge step, especially with the religious "issues" to be expected.

Some observations: I think overall your mother's reaction was quite good and collected. Looking for another therapist, one who is _not_ into "reparative" therapy seems to indicate open-mindedness and a concern for your well-being. It doesn't seem like she is putting religion over everything else. It seems worthwhile to keep the channel of communication open with her.

The religious scholars' view -- I apologize for saying this, but I must admit his words and recommendations made me cringe. I'm not a religious person, and words like his just make me very uneasy. But that isn't helpful, so lets put this aside.
I believe this -- the role of religion in how you define yourself and what your future steps are in terms of (non-) transition -- is something you have to explore for yourself, just as you explored and continue to explore your gender identity. It's very, very hard to act in a way that goes against one's believes. This is something you need to work out. But if possible, try to get other perspectives on this. Do more research, engage in discussions, possibly with your mother. I personally think this scholar's recommendations are very damaging for you as an individual. I also want to say don't rush towards a decision, in either direction. Seek the help of the therapists offered to you. Find people you trust and keep discussing with them. I think you have tackled the process of figuring out your identity in a very remarkable way. Don't stop now! Would love to still see you around here!

[Bran]

Rough week .

For the religious stuff-- I'm fairly religious, but not Muslim, though I've spent a lot of time studying and talking about religion with people from different faith perspectives.    When you say "I don't want to go against my religion," it's important to figure out what that really means to you.  Who gets to define what your religion is?  Is this religious scholar the one who gets to speak for all of Islam to you? And what about going against Islam bothers you?  Is it being out of harmony with God, loosing touch with the tradition of prayer and ritual, or being judged by your family and your community? 

If you don't want to go against your religion because you don't want to be judged by your community, then you're stuck with the community's beliefs about gender transition.  (If that scholar is an example of what your community believes, I think this would be a very difficult way to live).  But, if loosing touch with God is what bothers you, then you can find a way to reconcile your faith with your identity, and a community that will help you in this.  Get more opinions about your religion's teachings.  Find other Muslim trans people talk to about it, especially people who have managed to find a way through the maze. 

The place where I definitely would agree with the religious scholar, is the part about praying and strengthening your faith.  If your religion is an important part of your life, and you're worried about going against it, there is no substitute for going directly to the source-- talk to your God about the problem. 

[wheat thins are delicious]

If you are going to base your decision on whether or not to transition on doing no research other than talking to one 'religious scholar' who is adhering to outdated gender roles, as are your parents, then you are doing yourself a serious injustice.  Yes do get stronger in your faith if that is important to you, but also do more research, talk to other religious scholars and leaders world wide, not just those within your obviously biased community. 

[King Malachite]

Bran and Wheat basically hit the nail on the head.  I'm not Muslim, but in the Christian realm, there are tons of religious scholars that have disagreeing view points.  Some Christian scholars don't think homosexuality is a sin while others do.  Some Christian scholars think God chooses select people to go to heaven while some scholars disagree, and the list goes on and on.  I say this because I am pretty sure that there are Muslim scholars that disagree on a variety of topics.  I know there are some countries (where Islam is the majority religion) where they will actually help fund a person's transition because while homosexuality is a sin, ->-bleeped-<- is not (in their belief), so I would take that Muslim scholar with a grain of salt and explore all of your options.

[adrian]

Well, you guys are saying things way better than me

[darkblade]

Thanks for the responses guys, especially Adrian and Bran

Let me say more about the religious perspective of things. Personally I care a lot about how Islam views transition because much of it is permanent, as I think of this right now this reasoning doesn't seem so logical but for some reason things that are permanent seem to have more weight to me. For example, the fact that I like girls (which would place me as a gay girl at the moment) doesn't bother me at all though you could say is also goes against my religion. But that is another discussion of it's own. As far as I understand things though, Islam frowns upon homosexual acts, not upon people that happen to be attracted to the same sex, it isn't saying that gay people don't exist. Continuing on this vein I wouldn't expect it to say that ->-bleeped-<- doesn't exist, but that perhaps it may frown upon transition. I have my own questions about the argument I just made and how it could be justified (I personally think everything is religiously justified, so there must be justification somewhere if this is true, in my opinion). Also, even if I were to push my religious reservations aside and just focus on what makes me feel better (it would keep nagging on me anyways), I wouldn't do anything without my parents' approval, just because I wouldn't want to, and they'd never agree unless there was religious support. I could care less about society though.

Now, Islam is against altering the body in any way that isn't medically necessary (eg. tattoos, plastic surgery..), so then my question would be whether top/bottom surgery fall under the medically necessary condition? If there was sufficient dysphoria yes, if not, no? At least I hope this is how the situation is, the scholar himself said it was a very situational case, though he didn't say it to my face. Not too good for me though since I don't seem to have all that much dysphoria going on. Also for some reason I don't quite get, theres lots of weight on the reproductive aspect of things. It seems like sometimes it comes down to, will you become a sexually functional male? No? Then this isn't possible. Trying to tell people that I'm not interested in marrying a guy at all doesn't seem to help the case, because what do I know? I'll change my mind in due time. There's also a lot of having to accept the situation you're in, which in this case would be learning to accept your body and your gender/sex. But if actively trying to do this doesn't work? I don't think the point of any religion is to drive someone into deep depression, I think it's a matter of how strong the dysphoria is. Sometimes I see it as the lesser of two evils, since cross dressing/doing anything stereotypically male is forbidden, and homosexuality is too, wouldn't transition be the better choice? I don't know whether this argument would stand though.

In the end, any religious view can be turned into a half cup full/half cup empty kind of argument, and then you can take your pick of which side you want to be on. And then there's the confusion that arises with having various sects. Not that I'm taking the word of one scholar and ignoring others, and neither are my parents (though they say they're convinced), I was actively looking for over a month but found little that I considered reliable. My country (or so I've heard) supports transition if they decide a person really needs it, I actually need to find out more about this since the law is more or less based on Islamic Sharia law..

I sort of think the fact that I wasn't explicit about things at all did more harm than good though. I didn't want to put my mom into a state of shock, and a conversation with my dad about any of this is just going to be awkward. I mentioned nothing of the pronoun business, when asked about what I'd prefer to wear I didn't explicitly say men's clothes, I just said nothing that's in the women's section. I did say I wanted a flat chest though. Made no mention of liking my facial hair/wanting a beard (my mom didn't catch on to why I was skipping on my laser appointments) or wanting a lower voice (though she'd caught me at various points over the years practicing using a deeper voice). Nothing very explicit about wanting a male figure/not liking a female figure either. Never said I wanted to transition, only that it might be an option. My mom seems to think that not actively thinking/talking about it will make the feelings go away, so I'm not going to be saying much more unless the subject comes up again.

For the time being I think what I'm going to do is work on my faith and stuff (which I agree needs lots of work) and just show (not just pretend to show) my parents/the scholar/myself this this isn't a matter of lack of faith. No harm in being more spiritual in any case. At times I wonder whether I'm just cis after all... but I suppose only time will make everything clear, whether things take me in one direction or another. Mom suggested I take my next semester off since I'm having trouble being productive and that's actually an option now that my parents are sort of supportive. Taking some time off might help.

I always blab a lot. Merry Christmas to those celebrating!

[sneakersjay]

I don't know much about Islam, so can't speak to that specifically.

I do think transition is medically necessary, for whatever that is worth.  I was constantly angry, hated myself, and suffered clinical depression before T.  Now I am mellow, happy, love myself (and trust me, I'm not hot!  LOL like some trans guys are!) and haven't been on antidepressants in 7 years.  I am finally ME.

I do think we all worship the same God; just with different means.  And ultimately I believe that God, the creator of all in the universe, calls us to live authentically.

I know as far as Christianity goes there are many interpretations of the Bible, and thus many different denominations of churches that have different ways to worship and different beliefs, many of which are now open and affirming of the LGBT community.  I don't know if that is the same in Islam, if there are different interpretations of the Quran, or if different temples have different forms of worship.  I would definitely learn more.

I hope you find a solution that works for you and your religion.  I do think God has an important place in our lives.

Good luck.