Got outed on Facebook by the ex.

[Seras]

Condemns someone for being themselves /  Celebrates her being herself
Writes loads of negative stuff / Writes how she wants to focus on the positive



Screw that accusation of physical pain though. You should confront that. That isn't cool, it is pretty much an accusation of domestic abuse or something.

[Sincerely Tegan]

That may be good leverage, and if you think it's a good idea I would say ask her kindly to take it down and give her the link to that. The title/headline is enough to make her think twice.

My ex has been dealing grudges too recently- luckily not publicly though. She knows if she did it would just make her look bad.. The whole grudge thing is why we were breaking up in the first place before I came out. Me being trans sealed the deal in the matter, and she still hasn't fully forgiven me. But that is just her, she always had an impossible time forgiving anyone

I tend to hold my ground on things. I think the suggestion to "own it" is SPOT ON. Confidence goes an incredibly long way, especially living as a trans person.

Jenny,

My ex is also a big holder of grudges and settling of scores; she always wants to "win." She's constantly waging war on somebody, and the cannons just happen to be pointed at me this time.  As for your suggestion to reach out to her, I know her well enough to know that reaching out, giving any kind of fuel to her flames, will only serve to make her more venomous.

No, reaching out is out.  I can't control her, and that's fine.  Her words and actions are her own, and reflect her and her state of being better than I ever could.  I'll just let people read between the lines on that post and decide for themselves who the abusive personality is.

All class that facebook post..(!)

Her story is to talk about you, then herself.

She should just get on with her own life, and not trash you in order to do so.

She lives her life, such as it is. Get on with yours, and be the better person.

Yeah, super classy move, Rosin, I know.

Ideally, yeah, we both move on.  I'm working on that and with the help of many incredibly supportive friends, and a truly disarming amount of support from my family, I'm getting there.  I'm healing and I'm becoming more myself with each day that passes.  I cannot imagine I'll be ready to date again for a while, but that sort of thing takes time and I have more pressing things on the docket now anyway.  The point is, though I'm not being super public (on social media) about every move I make, I am moving forward.

She wants to project that she has moved on, but the fact that she was drunk posting on Christmas day says otherwise.  I would imagine that the people reading that post can see that.

Condemns someone for being themselves /  Celebrates her being herself
Writes loads of negative stuff / Writes how she wants to focus on the positive



Screw that accusation of physical pain though. You should confront that. That isn't cool, it is pretty much an accusation of domestic abuse or something.

Seras, she really had no idea just how bipolar she came across in that post, I know.  It seems like she almost wanted to make the Outing seem secondary to her whole end-of-year message, but she just isn't a good enough writer to hide her motivation. 

I mean, her end-of-year post comes on Christmas day instead of New Years?  Oh, I don't know, could this possibly be an attempt to sour somebody's holiday cheer?  Anyone?

In the end, it's just a sugar-wrapped turd.  Lots of positive words, but all kinds of negative meaning.  Gloating and mean.  Hell, she even invites anybody with the decency to see how nasty she's being to exit her life and her feed.  One doesn't have to look hard to see that this is just a tantrum from a very unhappy person.

As far as the accusation of domestic abuse goes, whatever.  Her narrative will change and grow over time, and I really just need to distance myself from it.  She's miserable, and will continue to work overtime to convince the world she is not, but I think the cracks are starting to show.  And after a post like this, I don't exactly feel like she's swimming in credibility here.

In fact, I really suspect that what she has done here will be classifiable as a hate crime sometime in the near future.  As the article says, outing someone is an act of violence.

So apparently she needed you to come out as trans before she was able to pursue her doctorate and "be herself"? What is she complaining about? She should be thanking you.

Ha, yeah, Grace, I made the same observation.

However, she started her doctorate program about two months before she announced that she no longer wanted me living with her, but still needed rent money.

She made a lot of changes there in the end: a new car (a shiny new Mustang!), a new degree program, new tattoos, even a new couch.  No wonder that rent money was so hard to come by!

She wants people to see a new person, and it just isn't there no matter how much she tries to force it.

Anyway, I could see which direction the wind was blowing with her sudden life changes, and I asked her if she was prepping herself for a life without me.  She got red in the face screaming as she denied it up and down.  Apparently she got so upset because I hit the nail directly on the head because here she is, announcing to the world the trappings of her new life, apparently unaware that her whole "phoenix rising from the ashes" act just isn't very convincing.  It's kind of sad, since this is a cycle she seems determined to continue ad infinitum.  After all, it was during the first weeks of her last major breakup that she rebooted her life and met me.

-----------

My approach has been to just roll with it.  Besides the vague "What an ugly thing to say. I'm shocked," I haven't made any responses on Facebook and I don't intend to.  I still mean to make my personal announcements when I feel like it, and not before.  Until then, what people suspect, know, or don't know is their business and none of mine.  I will continue on with life as usual.  This will not force my hand to do anything.

Recently I changed my Facebook profile pic to one from the holidays, in which I most assuredly am not looking masculine.  With a day, that picture got a bunch of likes on it; I take that as a subtle show of support from folks at large.

Anybody who would head for the hills upon reading that post isn't worth worrying about anyway, and so I'm not worried.  I don't need any transphobes in my life.  They would be too square to hang with Tegan anyway. 

So, yeah, I'm owning it.  Thank you, folks, for all the support.  Much love. 

Yours,
Tegan

[Dee Marshall]

I'm struck by the number of us, myself included, who married women with stronger masculine behavior patterns than ours. Some good, some bad.

[Sincerely Tegan]

I'm struck by the number of us, myself included, who married women with stronger masculine behavior patterns than ours. Some good, some bad.

Ha, no kidding, Dee!

During one of her rage-fueled rants near the end, she actually screamed in my face that she is more of a man than I am. It was meant as a knock, but even in the moment it sounded ridiculous, albeit true.

Seriously, if being a man means having constant battles with the world, she can have it.

-Teg

[Dee Marshall]

Ha, no kidding, Dee!

During one of her rage-fueled rants near the end, she actually screamed in my face that she is more of a man than I am....

-Teg

To which, I would have replied, "at last, you get it!"

[bibilinda]

Hi Natash, I am really intrigued by something in your short story:

Why are you 100% certain that that cashier person was actually a pre-op transwoman, is she your friend, relative, your acquaintance or anybody you've met before as a man, before transitioning, so you can state that as an undeniable fact? Or are you just assuming she was a pre-op MTF, based purely on her appearance and behavior, according to your own personal experience, standards and intuition?

I ask this because we as humans make assumptions every single day, as if they were facts and I am pretty sure that many a time we are absolutely wrong. I go out and I have no idea what people think of me, because the more confident I become and try to "act" female --which is not an act really, but it takes too much effort to pretend to be somebody for your own prejudiced a-hole folks and siblings and then go out and be the opposite, who you really are--, the less they misgender me. At this point I am not called anything, I am not assigned a gender. I need a bit more confidence and to fix up some stuff in my appearance and improve my voice, but I am getting there. Bottom line, I may look more "cis" than some "real cis" and less "cis" than some trans, and vice versa. There's lots of intersexed men and women out there who may look a bit more like the opposite sex but were never ever interested in becoming trans, so they present themselves as their original birth gender, but they may look and sound a bit more like the opposite one, without actually being trans. That's my whole point.

So I see women and men, both live, on tv or in any other situation, I mean people who present themselves as women or men,  and lots of time I think they MAY BE transwomen or transmen, but I never ever believe as a fact that they are trans, if I didn't meet them before and I am 100% certain they WERE a certain gender physically by birth and now they are the opposite, by transitioning.

Just wondering in good faith, not trying to be argumentative or anything, it's pure curiosity, thanks in advance in case you respond!

Cheers

Bibi

Personally, I'd own it.
If you don't give them anywhere to go, there is no controversy.
If someone asks "are you gay?", say "I am a transwoman."
If someone asks "Was it so bad, that you had to switch sides?"
Say "I couldn't live with myself anymore."
By not giving them anything to start nastiness with, it shuts down the controversy. If your attitude shows shame, they will use it against you, but if you treat it like it is nothing special, then yes you run into a few bigots, but on the whole people will take you at face value.
My stepson is gay and uses this technique. Even in a Podunk hick town in Georgia, it works.
Just remember that the individual is smart, and able to cope better than we would imagine. The mob however, always falls to the lowest common denominator.
One last thing, I am a truck driver. I was at a petro fuel stop in Kentucky. A pre-op trans-woman was running the cash register. I remember because I could see it was difficult for her. I made my purchases, using the correct pronouns, "yes ma'am,no ma'am", and she says "4 dollars and fifteen pennies.." I asked her if a dime and a nickel would work. She said it would suffice.
The lady working with her said "she likes pennies". I said "she's alright. " after which she just got all bubbly. ( I still present as a man)
The other drivers behind me naturally related to her as female after that. If they didn't, they kept their judgements to themselves.
Point is, it's only a problem if you make it a problem.

[MelanieH74]

My soon to be ex didn't use Facebook, but thought by outing me to my family, old friends etc. she'd hurt and humiliate me. She admitted to it just putting it in my face.
I mostly out anyway (I don't hide it and in-femme 24/7), had prepared for the worst (which happened) I have no family or friends left except my 2 sons.

Anyways, as she expected me to go ape-sh**, I just looked at her and said..."so what" and smiled ;-)

That busted her bubble

[Sincerely Tegan]

VioletTara link=topic
Response is in reference to a removed post by moderation.

Tara,
Of course life is more complicated in reality than online. I do not think anybody was debating that, and I am not sure what that statement has to do with the price of tea in this case.

Yes, there is far more to this situation. There were two separate lives, as well as a shared life together. If you want more context, feel free to delve into my earlier posts when you establish yourself enough here to be able to do so.

Still, you seem to almost be implying that if enough background about my situation were uncovered, one might actually find justification for this gross violation of privacy and decency.

Tell me: what could possibly justify doing this to a person? Especially a person that you shared a life with, a person whom you once claimed to love..

As for drudging things up, as you put it, I'm not really sure what you mean. I was outed, do you understand that? My business is already out there in the open, so what exactly have I done to make it worse? I'm not making malicious or damaging messages on social media; I'm coming to a support forum to feel supported.

In a situation like this, I should not have to turn the other cheek and take it quietly. I should at the very least be able to share my experience with those who might understand, so as to not have to deal with the feelings alone.

What's the problem, as you see it?

And what's this about hiding one's feelings and thoughts? That doesn't describe me, as my journey has been one of self-discovery and searching, not hiding and deceiving. Your language subtly implies that you view yourself as other from the trans community. Am I reading that correctly? You talk about how "people on here" and in other trans forums are a certain way. What are you displacing onto this situation?

It's pretty cut-and-dry what's happening here. A relationship did not work. The ex should be moving on, is claiming to the world that she has moved on, but then chose to reveal privileged information about me to the world at large with the express intent to hurt. There was no personal or monetary gain in doing this, but she did it anyway, on Christmas of all days.

It was an ugly thing to do, plain and simple.

I came here to share what happened to me, nothing more.  Her identity remains anonymous, and I am neither calling her names or wishing her ill. What I am doing is acknowledging that this was a really screwed up thing to do; is it not? It was an attack, intended to damage. The commiseration from others helps, so what is the problem there?

And where is the lack of critical thinking that you see, Tara Violet?

You are honestly coming off as a person with an ax to grind, and I am curious what it is about this thread specifically that set you off.

-Tegan

Edit: I just read your intro. You of all people should be sympathetic to this situation, since you are dealing with a soon-to-be-ex with Borderline Personality Disorder yourself. You should know just how manipulative and extreme actions and reactions can be when dealing with BPD. It's very likely that your wife will do what she can to make things difficult before the end. I don't wish it on you, but I'd be prepared were I in your position. At that point, you might end up finding yourself right back here, sharing your story and hoping for encouragement. Remember that.