I am living a fake life

[James1993]

((I am very sorry about all the text below, but it's honestly as short as i can get it, i been re-writing this three times))

Hello. I am not sure where to start.
Guess i'll write a little bit random here, sorry about that. Also sorry about my English as it's not my first lang.

((Who am i?))
First of all, my friends think i am a cool guy, so i guess my fake personality has payed off. I play Piano and guitar, and i also sing with a pretty good singing voice. I have a pretty succesfull life as a male and i done pretty well for myself. But, i am not truly happy.
I am a guy on 21 years, lives in Sweden and have lived my whole life as a broken male. With broken i mean, i have never feelt as a male but female and i always forced myself to maleify myself.
I started to build an attraction to girls in the age of 16-17 wich my mother thinks it's just me bing carefull with who i go out with cus i don't wanna get hurt (If she only knew the truth)
I have always played with female toys when i was a kid (As than i didn't know why and i tough that was normal)
I have always feelt a much stronger connection to my sissters than to my brother.
I always been attracted to female things and i tough it was weird that guys didn't to makeup as my sissters did and i feelt weird for not doing it too.
My life has been a mess. I am not entierly sure whats wrong with me, but i feel as i was supposed to be born female or something is just wrong with my brain.
I do not wanna lose my parrents. They are both homofobic and they hate gays a lot. And it's not better that my dad is christian.
If i turned gay, i knew my parrents would hate me so i forced myself to build an attraction to girls, and to maleify myself.
I live a fake life with a fake personality, my personality is very custom made and is to be as male as possible without being weird or go into a cherracther that i can not be.
As i live this fake life, i always wish that i would just one day wake up as female wich i know will never happen.
I have a deep depression wich i hide inside and don't show to anyone, it does show up in my music as i been writing music and singing since i was 12 and i started playing guitar for a couple of months ago wich goes great and i plan on joining a rockband.
This isn't me, this is the fake me, the one i am trying to be to make my parrents proud and to be accepted by the world around me.
I am gay, i know that, but i think im really just straight, but i am in the wrong body, i should have been borned female but something went wrong.
This causes me to be depressed and not knowing what to do i keep on my life with fake emotions and fake personality.
I am not going to lie, a lot of times i am happy being male, but 90% of the time im not, i have recently started to like the muscularity of being male but it still feels so fake and wrong.

What do i do with my life? I know that if i turn female, i will lose up to 90% of my friends and i will most likley lose my family exept my sissters. (My brother died a while back due to drugs)
I have a pretty good male singing voice, and i have a very good speaking voice as male so a lot of things are going well for me. I do streams at Twitch where i grow very fast, and i sing very well wich is good as i also play guitar and it gives me a big chance of getting into a rockband.

I would honestly be ready to give up my songvoice just to turn female, but i don't feel the same about family and friends.

I really need help, suicide is a horrible thing but it sems like the only solution as i am getting worse everyday. I am not happy as male and i am afraid i never will. 

[Ms Grace]

Hey James

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

Suicide is definitely not a solution, please see if you can get support and help so you can talk things over. As for whether transition is a possibility, talking to a therapist or a counsellor would give you a better idea of what is at stake for you in your home country. Many people start off thinking they could never successfully transition but then go on to do just that and lead much happier lives because of it.

Please check out the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...

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Cheers

Grace

[stephaniec]

therapy a big yes

[James1993]

therapy a big yes

Not sure how that would work as i am entierly fake. I have put myself in a very difficult situation.
Everyone thinks im feeling alright, and i have practis my acting skills my whole life to be a guy.
How would i explain that i need therapy :/ My parrents would react strangly on that as i got a very strong relationship with them.
I do still live with them to, wich makes it a bit harder, i can see if i lived alone how i could sneak around it but here they usly do get to know that im at therapy before or later.

[AbeLane]

Family is hard. I haven't told anyone about feeling like I'm male. I can't even imagine telling my family. But I do think it would be good to be able to tell someone. Maybe you could talk to a friend? Or someone at school (if you still go)? And they could help you figure out how to get to therapy?

[James1993]

Family is hard. I haven't told anyone about feeling like I'm male. I can't even imagine telling my family. But I do think it would be good to be able to tell someone. Maybe you could talk to a friend? Or someone at school (if you still go)? And they could help you figure out how to get to therapy?

Not really any good relations to any at work. And i dobt that any of my friends would accept the "real me" as almost all my friends are from my Rock'n'roll life wich i live atm (My fake life) that i built to hide myself.
Non of these peeps im friends with as far as i know accepts gays at all, so for me to come out and tell them that i really feel like a female would probably make things worse.
Honestly, i ->-bleeped-<-ed up to the point where i got non to talk to thanks to the fake me. I am stuck, and i somehow want help to accept that i am stuck, but i still want to be able to get clean.
It's a hevy secret to carry, and it's getting hevyer evey year, some nights i cry myself to sleep thinking about it and feeling as i will never get out.
If you could just understand the pressure of this situation i am in, it's so difficult. And if i eventually do come clean.
I will lose my parrents and that's for sure as they are christian.
We have some anti suicide precauciones where if i go to therapy for suicidal toughts they will involve doctors and the doctors will be contacting my family to try and help me through it wich will cause quite a sceen u can imagine.
Maybe if i just get to talk about this online when noone knows who i am, i might be able to accept it somehow easyer.

[mrs izzy]

Welcome James to Susan's family

Lots of topics to explore and posts to write

Safe passage on your path.

Hugs

[rosinstraya]

Hi James,

You have stated very strongly that you are living a fake life.
Therapy is really very useful as a way of exploring who the real you is. The advice to go and see a therapist is given by many here because it works. With the therapist you can be the real you - you don't need to pretend any more.

A good therapist will help you to get a good idea of what you need to do.

Your friends and others have never met the real you - it's hard to know for sure if they will accept you until that happens. Rock n roll is not by definition transphobic, there are a few musicians on this board even!

Good luck for the future.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi James,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

As has already been suggested, for the dilemma you're facing, finding a good gender therapist is an excellent start. I'm sure many questions will be answered, making the future a little brighter.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Stephanie2]

Welcome to Susan's, James! It sounds like you think that you couldn't continue singing if you became a female. Well, not necessarily. There are voice surgeries that can allow you to speak in a more feminine way and it wouldn't be too much to envision a great female singing voice possible after one recuperates from the procedure. There are ways to get around many obstacles.