I have having trouble with my identity. Therapists have contradicted each other, mother believes it is due to ocd from my fatherless childhood, and I am just lost.
I was like most boys up until the age of 4. Then I began wondering why girls didn't treat me the same in pre-school. I never fit in with the boys being myself and was picked on for my shyness, feminine habits, and being small/weaker than the others . I didn't really have friends (if you can call them that) until I distanced myself from everyone and imitated the body language and habits of the boys I saw. I rarely spoke and was a wall flower most of my childhood up until college.
Around the age of 7-8 I began cross dressing in my mothers clothing and lingerie and would many times even wear it to sleep. I began fantasizing about being forced to turn into a girl. Also during this time I found in one of my parents magazines creams that could increase breast size. I obviously could not order it since I did not have a credit card, but tried to find a method as I wanted to have breasts so bad. I also kept one of my mother's lingerie magazines and imagine myself growing up and living as a girl.
I apologize if this gets a little graphic, but my mother thinks everything revolves around sex.
In my teens, the first time I masturbated was to a bikini model while I was cross dressing, but (sorry if it is a bit graphic) by rubbing my legs spread apart against the bed. I just thought of myself as being the model. Later in the teenage years I began masturbating to lesbian porn usually dressed as a girl too the same way I first did. Throughout high school, I would have girlfriends, but I never had sex. I did get very intimate with some of them, but was never sexually attracted to them (maybe it was GID or porn related ED). I would never get an erection even when my girlfriends was naked with me in bed. For some reason I began noticing the very faint hairs on her upper lip and began imagining her as a man, which scared me since I never thought myself as gay. I would rarely cross dress when I had a girlfriend, but my relationships only lasted a few weeks to 4 months. I was always envious of girls beauty, lifestyle, etc. and wanted to be one of them so maybe I just dated girls to have a very close lady friend as many girls I dated I never even kissed.
In my early college years, I found out about transexuals. I never knew someone would take hormones to transition to a girl. I began lurking on the forums and youtube videos about transexuals explaining their lives and how they came down to the conclusion. Sometimes during this time I began watching transexual porn since I thought I would relate more to it. It was not long until I only watched transexual porn, which I guess was because I could only relate to it. I was too nervous to go to the university therapists even though my university had some of the best and one of the largest student therapy programs. I was also too afraid to go to the LGBT resource center even though my university was known to have one of the largest resource centers for that.
During my third year of college I order hormones online and began transition, but stopped three months in because I question if I was attracted to men or women since if I was attracted to women I would want to sperm bank to have genetic children one day. During the time I was on hormones, I became more and more attracted to men. Ever since then, I only fantasize about having sex with men and had urges to give men BJs. In real life I rarely ever find a man attractive, but I find women attractive, but it is not in much of a sexual way, but in a I wish I had her butt or her breasts or her cheekbones, etc. Also I was more at peace with myself.
Eventually I came out to my mother and she initially took it very hard. I saw a therapist who thought I was transgender, then another therapist since my mother disliked her who thought it was due to my lack of a male role model as a child. My father was rarely around as a child and when he was around he would ignore my siblings and I. I only have memories of that and him punishing me for interrupting him. My mother worked three jobs so she could not take care of my siblings and I so we were left pretty much to look after ourselves after my youngest brother was in first grade. My father pretended to go to university for another bachelors for 8 years and eventually starting a company since he could not stand working a 9-5 job, but his company turned out to be his way to get out of taking care of my siblings and I. I hated him so much and never wanted to be like him. My mother thinks that my transgender feeling are due in part of lack of a strong male role model in the family. She also think it affected why my brother turned out gay, but I think he was born that way.
With so many contradictions even among professionals so I am not sure what to believe. My mother keeps saying she truly believes that it is due to my lack of a father figure which caused one of my many OCDs, but my mother recently said that if I must transition she will support me. She just keeps saying she fears that I will make a mistake. She read that there are transgender who will transition and feel good until 5-6 years later then want to transition back. I fear I may be miss out life as a woman since if I transition now I can at least enjoy my later 20s being a woman in society and I will have a better chance at passing. If I stayed on hormones I would have stopped much of my puberty since my body matured very late. The therapist and my mother placed great doubt and I do not know what to do. I am close to finishing graduate school so transitioning now will be even harder than before with work and everything else.
