the recent events of leelah

[jesse]

I hope this is not out of line as it is a volatile story at the moment but I was wondering if anyone else is having difficulties processing this. I was recently (as in the last three weeks) released from the hospital because of a suicide attempt I was at Swedish hospital for 5 days then transferred to a mental health facility were the cert'ed me and held me for 9 days more my issue is what happened to her basically is somewhat similar to to my own childhood and from there it only got worse I cant seam to bring myself to deal with any of that even though several therapists have tried as soon as we get into my past I drop them. so now flash forward I was doing ok still struggling with depression but not the severe depression they put me away for. then this story appears in my facebook feed and I cant process it my mood has tumbled I find myself trying to withdraw and getting angry all the time I have never hurt anyone and I cant process that mentality I don't know how. I believe most of this stems from my inability to accept my transness and or the ugliness of this world basically I am afraid, I don't want to talk to anymore doctors im tired of educating professional's on what it is to be trans so I need help.
please understand I don't feel suicidal right now but im afraid if I don't get control of this I could spiral down again any thoughts is appreciated I was gonna say all this in chat but decided against it

[nickikim]

Noone  have thoughts on this?

I am having trouble thinking about anything else.

[jesse]

nevermind I guess theres not rally much anyone can say anyways

[mrs izzy]

I think it's from the title of your topic

It's very triggering to so many (I myself)

Transition is not easy and you need the professional help for sure.

Actions of self harm is never the answer.

How to get past all that is the hard issue to explore.

What is your tools you have to not cause harm?

[jesse]

I don't really have any I use music when I can but so much of that makes me sad anymore when I got out of the hospital I started getting back into my art but but in the last few days I havnt felt like it ya know perhaps we should end this thread I don't want to trigger anyone else we all have issues I will find my own solution
peace love and be well its been so long since ive been on here I don't really know anybody anymore

[Dee Marshall]

I feel a bit like we've failed you Jesse, not a pleasing feeling. You need help to process, by all means, continue. Personally the saddest thing to me is that Leelah lost all hope, and a lot of that was from the incorrect belief that, if you don't transition very young, there's no reason to even try. Don't ever give up on yourself and know that even a day as your true self is worthwhile. This is my belief.

[mrs izzy]

I am guessing you have no support groups local?

How about a mentor?

Many walk this path along but struggles all the way.

You need to work on getting into a support group locally or a mentor program where you live.

Here we have that but sometimes posts get lost.

I and all the staff are always around in short time so you can always shout at us in pm.

Hugs and outlet tools are great to have .

Izzy

[Devlyn]

Big hug! I remember you, Jesse, I've been here almost as long as you. We're open 24/7, you know that!

Hugs, Devlyn

[Natkat]

ikke så mycket av sie men om du vil prate med en, kan du sende meg en PM.
- sorry for my gramma mistakes and so its pretty bad but its complitely normal to feel at lost and frustrated being trans in this world.

[MugwortPsychonaut]

She's been on my mind a lot these past few days. Lately I've been working on a cover of Jimi Hendrix's "Burning of the Midnight Lamp." It's a song about loneliness, and I've been thinking of Leelah as I sing it.

I don't mean to make this about myself. There have been three suicide attempts very close to me this year. One of them was myself. (F-You, 273-TALK). Fortunately, all three of us are still alive. Ah, there I go again.

This poor girl was all alone. Her parents didn't give a ->-bleeped-<-. They didn't when she was alive, and they don't now. They have their heads stuck up their asses, busy with their phony religions. Occupied with making themselves look good in the condescending eyes of their church leaders. Meanwhile, their daughter was in agony. This poor girl felt so alienated and alone, that she felt she had to get off the planet.

I mean, look at any photo of her as a "boy." Do you see any bit of boy in her at all? How could somebody deny this?



Poor girl. I believe in reincarnation. I can't speak for anyone else, but I do. I hope this poor girl gets to live her next life to be born the girl, and grow up to become the woman, she's meant to be.

[suzifrommd]

I've lived through all sorts of tragic news stories, but this one has hit me especially hard. I think because it is so preventable. If anyone cared about this remarkable young woman enough to get her the care she needed, she would be alive today. Also, that could easily have been me.

Hugs, Jesse. You are strong enough to deal with this, but the pain from this sort of story can be hard to take.

[Asche]

Personally the saddest thing to me is that Leelah lost all hope, and a lot of that was from the incorrect belief that, if you don't transition very young, there's no reason to even try. Don't ever give up on yourself and know that even a day as your true self is worthwhile. This is my belief.

It's hard to maintain hope when you are immersed in a (sub)culture that says you are bad (sinning), that your sufferings are all your fault for obstinantly choosing to be bad, and that continuously pressures you to kill off your self and conform.  No matter how much you try to resist, some of it seeps in and affects how you see yourself.  It doesn't help that she was completely isolated for 5 months and was only allowed limited contact with people outside the culture after that, leaving her psychologically isolated up until her death.  It's the same technique abusers use, BTW.  If you get tormented for being your "true self" for long enough, at some point you give up hope that things could ever be different.

Another thing to keep in mind: even if Leelah had stayed alive long enough to escape, she'd have had a long and difficult road.  She'd have had the psychological damage from at least 4 years of continuous assault on her sense of self; recovering from that takes a long time and lots of work.  Transition alone wouldn't really help all that much.  BTW, this is one of the reasons I dont' like the "it gets better" campaign, or the "Life is worth living!" signs on a bridge near me.  It often doesn't get better.  And if it does, it's usually a long, painful process.  (Ask me how I know this....)  "It gets better" can end up making you think, I must be even more hopeless than I thought because it doesn't feel better.

[Tessa James]

nevermind I guess theres not rally much anyone can say anyways

What we can say is please hang on and keep working on your self affirmations.  Suicide is a too permanent and final way to end the pain without another chance to know love.  While we know there is suffering and hurt we also know every day gives us another opportunity to try something new and to experience the love and sense of joy we can share.  It is possible for your life to be different than we now know. Please consider the more pleasant possibilities and ways of looking at it all.  Being active makes a difference, so I keep moving. 

[Asche]

Also, that could easily have been me.

Same here.  I wasn't (consciously) trans at the time, but I had it impressed upon me for most of the first 18 years of my life that everything about me was just plain wrong, wrong, wrong, and there was nobody in my life who gave a rat's ass what I was going through.  If anything, that may have been what saved me from suicide -- I knew in the depths of my soul that if I did kill myself, no one would have really cared about me or what had led me to do it, they'd only care about how  much it bothered them that someone they knew would off themselves.  I'm still dealing with that stuff though, a half-century later.

Jesse --

I don't know if my experience applies to you, but I hope you find people out there who do care whether you live or die and can make them part of your life.

[Skylar105]

It's hard to maintain hope when you are immersed in a (sub)culture that says you are bad (sinning), that your sufferings are all your fault for obstinantly choosing to be bad, and that continuously pressures you to kill off your self and conform.  No matter how much you try to resist, some of it seeps in and affects how you see yourself.  It doesn't help that she was completely isolated for 5 months and was only allowed limited contact with people outside the culture after that, leaving her psychologically isolated up until her death.  It's the same technique abusers use, BTW.  If you get tormented for being your "true self" for long enough, at some point you give up hope that things could ever be different.

Another thing to keep in mind: even if Leelah had stayed alive long enough to escape, she'd have had a long and difficult road.  She'd have had the psychological damage from at least 4 years of continuous assault on her sense of self; recovering from that takes a long time and lots of work.  Transition alone wouldn't really help all that much.  BTW, this is one of the reasons I dont' like the "it gets better" campaign, or the "Life is worth living!" signs on a bridge near me.  It often doesn't get better.  And if it does, it's usually a long, painful process.  (Ask me how I know this....)  "It gets better" can end up making you think, I must be even more hopeless than I thought because it doesn't feel better.

I personally agree with this considering leelahs situation is very similar to mine. Even with being of legal age I'm having so many troubles functioning through these problems. When it comes to the "it gets better" when is the question? Is it next week or is it 50 years from now? If it's 50 years from now I really don't believe my mental state could take it. I've been unfortunate to suffer at the hands of myself, family, bosses at jobs, and even the people I once called friend.

My therapist has this opinion of saying keep your eye on the prize. But that's pretty hard considering there isn't a path to walk.

[mrs izzy]

I personally agree with this considering leelahs situation is very similar to mine. Even with being of legal age I'm having so many troubles functioning through these problems. When it comes to the "it gets better" when is the question? Is it next week or is it 50 years from now? If it's 50 years from now I really don't believe my mental state could take it. I've been unfortunate to suffer at the hands of myself, family, bosses at jobs, and even the people I once called friend.

My therapist has this opinion of saying keep your eye on the prize. But that's pretty hard considering there isn't a path to walk.

It gets better when you make it better.

The path is there in front of you blazed out by those before you.

It's confindence in who you are and acceptance GD is a medical condition that has proven steps to alleviate the pain.

Is it easy walking the path, ell no but has been walked by sooo many.

You ever wonder why there is not many around here that finished there transitions?

Because they no longer feel the need for support and move along with making a life.

My transition was over a span on 13 years and in those there was 4 that truly hurt and was hard to see happiness.

I am no perfect I almost crossed into the good night. It's not and never the answer.

That is when I went full time and never looks back. Being Isabell was when happiness started and the darkness started to loose it's grip.

So never give up and be honest with yourself. No one matters if you are not happy in life.

Hugs

[Peebles]

At first I was rather unphased by this, I just filed it away are another transgender horror story in my mind.

But then I stumbled onto her ->-bleeped-<- profile the other day and started balling my eyes out. She went on a lot of the same subs I did, I saw her around enough to register her name mentally, even thought the username was kinda cute, and upvoted a few of her posts.  She had a lot of the same insecurities that I do and such.

freaking empathy

[nickikim]

At first I was rather unphased by this, I just filed it away are another transgender horror story in my mind.

But then I stumbled onto her ->-bleeped-<- profile the other day and started balling my eyes out. She went on a lot of the same subs I did, I saw her around enough to register her name mentally, even thought the username was kinda cute, and upvoted a few of her posts.  She had a lot of the same insecurities that I do and such.

freaking empathy

Posting on ->-bleeped-<- in threads with her makes it cut deeper.
I have more online friends than irl, and I am more honest with them.
I really have nothing more to say, other than I would love to slap Leelah's mother,
and I would like to know the truck driver's feelings on what happened.

[rachel89]

I'm not really sure what to say. This is really sad and this makes me want to cry, being trans is hard enough without abusive parents. Being afraid of not being able to transition is both terrifying and depressing, and can cause people to end up in really dark places. I feel for her because I've also been in dark places and have taken extreme risks or self-harmed. I wish her parents could have understood that they had an already beautiful daughter that needed some acceptance and some help making her body right for her gender. There needs to be some way that young transgender people can quickly escape these situations. This hurts a lot.
Rest In Power  Leelah

[Asche]

When it comes to the "it gets better" when is the question? Is it next week or is it 50 years from now? If it's 50 years from now I really don't believe my mental state could take it.

Now I'm worried that my rather pessimistic post may have destroyed your hope.

I'd say that "better" is relative, and that sometimes you can make changes in your life that make things better or (equivalently) less bad.

My pessimism comes from the fact that my life is not where I'd hoped it would be, and also from the recognition that in many ways, the fact that I'm as well off as I am is more dumb luck or privilege than my own doing (survivor guilt?)  But I do recognize that my life is immesurably better than it was at its low point, and there were definite times when my quality of life made a sudden jump.  Two in particular:

The first was getting out of a school that not only thought they were supposed to turn me (well, all the students) into What Boys Are Supposed To Be, even if it kills them, but had the resources to do so.  It almost did kill me, and if I'd had to stay there until I was 18, I might have done something like what Leelah did.   When I finally got my parents to send me to the public school (which also had the same mindset, but had too many bigger problems to spend much time oppressing me), things got a whole lot better (well, less bad.)  It took something like 5 years for me to recover enough to see it, though.

The second big improvement came when I left the South.   I found the South stifling.  There was no room to be different or to have any idea that wasn't around when Robert E Lee had his glory days.  I notice from previous posts that you are in Tennessee.  You might want to consider whether things would be easier for you in a more open-minded part of the USA.  I'm considering transitioning, and it's scary enough even here in the NYC area -- I wouldn't dream of trying it if I had to do it in a place like where I grew up.

What I'm suggesting is that sometimes you can take specific steps to improve your situation, and even if you can't do them now, perhaps just having a timeframe for when you can do something to improve things may make it easier to bear the misery of the present.  BTW, "improve" doesn't necessarily mean transition.  It might simply mean being in a place where it's safe(r) to express more of who you are.  You don't have to solve all of your problems/issues at once.  Just making things less bad can make a huge difference in your outlook.