I can't even have a "happy ending" in my own dreams..

[littleredrobinhood]

(Possible triggers ahead)

So, my dysphoria has been flaring up again lately, and since I'm not taking any hormones and am pretty much totally closeted outside of this site, I can only "relieve" it one way:  By daydreaming.

In these fantasies, I completely alter my appearance to how I wish I looked - no more hips. No more breasts. I'm taller, have a deeper voice, etc. And usually, I imagine myself as a cis man, rather than a transitioned trans man.

In addition to looking totally different, my life in general is also very different - I imagine having friends, my family accepting me, free of my anxiety, able to do all the things I want, like travel and dance and play music.. and of course, fall in love.

I'm also finally able to wear the clothes I like in these fantasies - but it's not what you'd expect... No, it's not men's clothes I want to wear - it's "womens".

Sure, I could wear a dress or what-have-you now with no consequences.. But it's not the same. I want to have a "male" silhouette, but what I have now is very much the opposite - and feminine clothes just emphasize my shape, worsening my dysphoria.

But in these dreams I'm the right "shape", and can feel comfortable - even attractive - in feminine clothing.

These dreams don't last long, however... Eventually, reality starts seeping in to my fantasy world: "Who am I kidding? I'm not cis, and I'll never look like that. Even if I transition it's impossible" I think to myself.

Even in the odd dream where I imagine myself as a "post-op trans man", the fantasy starts to grow grim as I remember that real life isn't like this - if people knew, I could experience some very negative reactions.

And finally, the dreams turn violent when I begin to think about how much society hates feminine men. I start to imagine myself being called names by strangers on the street, living alone forever because no one is attracted to me, and even being ganged up on and beaten.. sometimes even killed. And the people in my dreams don't care - they just watch me from afar as I bleed out.

After I can't take it anymore, my mind eventually just.. shuts down. And I feel even worse than I did before.

But the main problem isn't the dreams themselves.. It's the fact that I feel like that's what my life would become if I "became" myself - that transitioning would make my life significantly worse. And this depresses me because the dysphoria can be so unbearable sometimes..


*Sigh* I don't even know why I'm writing all this, to be honest.. I just feel frustrated, scared, ashamed and hopeless.  I don't know what to do.

[Ms Grace]

It's a bit grim that your pleasant daydreams are being hijacked by your concerns and worries and fears!

The good news is that you can train yourself to cut out the negative stuff... as soon as the bad thoughts start to creep in just stop and reverse back to the point where things were going well. It's actually easier than you think. Basically if you give your fears an inch they will take a yard, don't give them anything. The even better news is that our fears frequently never reflect reality, there may be elements of truth but often all blown out of proportion. I know of some very effeminate trans guys and they are doing just great being who they want to be.

Sometimes it's easy to worry about future scenarios and when we finally get to that point we find they were all unfounded. It sounds to me that you feel really stuck where you are at the moment, maybe talking it through with a counsellor or therapist might help you to get some perspective on your fears and figure out what you do want to do to practically deal with your dysphoria.

[Cindy]

Whoops, Grace got in first.

But I do agree with her. On your hopes on transitioning into a decent good looking guy, well there is no reason not to! Every transman I now, and I now a few!! pass great, T has an incredible effect on the guys, so never say neve.

As for wanting to wear or act as a feminine man, so what? On of my best T-man friends likes to wear false eyelashes, and the more way out the better. So what, he is great and all of his friends and work colleagues love him as a really nice guy.

Dreams: yes tell me, as Grace said control the dream don't let it control you. For so many years I had nightmares every night of my rape. With some help from my therapist I now know when it is going to return and I wake up, go for a stretch (and usually a pee TMI ) then settle down to sleep again.

So you can control them.

Finally one thing is important. You have a life. You have no idea where it will take you, it is your life to do with as you wish.
So do what you wish in your life.

[brianna1016]

And finally, the dreams turn violent when I begin to think about how much society hates feminine men.

Attitudes are changing, I don't think society cares all that much, and the ones that are bothered by it are few and far between.

But the main problem isn't the dreams themselves.. It's the fact that I feel like that's what my life would become if I "became" myself - that transitioning would make my life significantly worse. And this depresses me because the dysphoria can be so unbearable sometimes..

How could becoming the person you want to be make your life significantly worse?! It might be scary at first, but that's a little exciting too..

[littleredrobinhood]

Thank y'all.  I feel a little better now that I managed to get some sleep, and waking up to your messages has helped too.

I feel pretty pessimistic about having control over my own imagination, to be honest.. when they turn bad, it feels like I'm not the one behind the wheel anymore. But I suppose that's the problem I need to learn to deal with - giving in to that negativity that makes me think "What's the point?"