I finally come to the resolution that my life is worth unliving if I continue the way I live. I fear so much in my life... rejection, losing my job, being homeless, not finding love, losing my looks, and feeling utterly hopeless about my life since it didn't turn out the way I wanted it too be. I have no passion for life, and if I were to die (yesterday) I would accept it. I hate my face, I hate my hair, and I hate my body. Yet, those possessions belong to me, and I let my family rule me in regards to my own body because of fear. My hair should be mine, my body should be mine, and I shouldn't give a damn what anyone thinks of it besides myself. If it makes me happier to have long hair, then screw you, I'll have long hair. If it makes me happy to have pretty eyebrows, then it's my eyebrows. I don't look pretty for you, for men, for women, for my family, but for myself alone.
I finally look at my fears... and every single one of them pale in comparison to this; DEATH. Every single fear is rather pathetic compare to being six foot under, or growing old and having two deaths; the death of my soul, and the physical death. I burn down all my dreams to make others happy, and I couldn't be what I really want to be.
I am a scorn woman. I will never let my heart be used by anyone else. I will never rely on any man ever again. My only redeemer is myself. That does not me I will never flirt again, or play the love game on someone, but love him/her/whatever.... until I see a diamond ring, you will never get my love again.
I suck as a human being, and I want to redeem myself. I am tired of living in my fears, being weak, and pathetic. If you can't love me as I am, then you do not deserve my love anymore. I am tired of pretending to the masses, and myself.
Tomorrow, I am done with living in the shadows of my fear, but I am going to use my greatest fear to let me escape my reality. I fear DEATH. I will not die to a physical, spiritual, emotional, or any type of death. I am going to grow my hair, and I am going to use my body for the ways I want to use my body. It's mine. I am going to use my time to educate myself in my passions. It's my time. I rather be homeless, and follow my passions, then have security of the dollar bill. I owe no one my life.
