Anger problems

[Rotika]

I see many other MtF transitioning girls on here dealing with depression. But what about anger? I've always had a somewhat short fuse.. but I never had outbursts of "I'll rip your face off @#)$*".... I'm pre HRT. Pre everything. I'm just trying to work up the courage to come out to more of my family at this time. I live with several other family members which I love.. but sometimes one of them sez just the wrong thing and pisses me off to the point where I begin to scream in their face and tell them what a worth peice of trash I think they are... I don't get it. I don't want to be this way. But it happens.

So I started thinking about when/why I do it. It only happens while I'm in "boymode" right after I've spent a few days at my cousin's house. My cousin knows I'm trans and allows me to be myself in his home. I feel like I'm on vacation when I'm there lol.. It's liberating. But when I come home I have to go back to being who my dad and friends think I am. I think that's my trigger. I think that I'm angry I can't be myself. Anyone else freak out for no good reason when you're wearing your disguise? (I call being the lie my family wants me to be my disguise lol)

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Rotika,

Anger and depression essentially live on the same continuum, but at opposite ends. Ones an outward expression, ones an inward expression. Both are born from the realisation we are not living our true identity. But to get there is a whole other story.

A gender therapist may be a good start to,help you through this rough patch. They may also suggest / recommend hormone therapy, which in most cases eases the situation. Finding your own inner peace is always a challenge, but so worthwhile.

Huggs
Catherine

[Rotika]

Catherine that makes more sense than anything anyone has told me in a while. Thanks

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Rotika,

I forgot to mention; should you be concerned that it may be a bit early to consider HT, then even a low dose regime can often alleviate the anger. Once you have the anger under control, you'll often see a clearer pathway to your preferred destination.

Huggs
Catherine

[rachel89]

I get can get really depressed quite a bit and have what I think could be anxiety because I'm afraid i'll never get to transition or be the "man in a dress" if I were to transition. I have always had a somewhat short temper around family (I can usually behave in public) When I'm depressed, sometimes I have a "Mother of Satan" temper, where even an unsolicited compliment from my parents can make me "rip-off-your-head angry" Sometimes I kind of feel a little sorry for them because they have no clue about what I am going through right-now, but on the other hand, I'm not sure they would be accepting if they did. I am also pre-HRT because I have just started to see a therapist who help with LGBT issues and haven't gotten laser or electrolysis yet.

[Cin]

I was really angry as a kid, I'd kick anything that wasn't nailed to the ground and stuff like that. I'd lash out at the people I loved most.

Now I'm over it, I didn't go through any therapy for it, but at some point, I started to wonder 'what is my anger going to achieve?', if I had an argument with someone, I thought that screaming loudly and forcing them to shut up would 'win' the argument, I realized that my anger was hurting my mother too, I didn't want to hurt anyone anymore, I'm so mellow now, it's not easy to make me visibly upset, I do feel really bad on the inside since I'm still sensitive, but I think my anger has turned into depression. I try to find productive ways to release my anger. So I didn't really fix my anger, I just turned it inwards.

It's important to learn why you're angry, but like me, I think it has a lot to do with not being able to express yourself or feeling like your true gender, but it could me more than that too.

[Ms Grace]

While anger has a lot to do with what is going on inside us emotionally it can also be driven by testosterone. While men are socialised to be more aggressive and assertive testosterone is a driver of that. I find I feel much less agro since starting HRT, things that used to annoy me no end don't even bother me any more.

[Leslie36369]

I have always had anger issues and I had to have an outlet. Mine happened to be martial arts (mainly kickboxing) and lifting weights. I am had it under control most of my life by using the as tools, lately I have been trying to lose muscle so I have to limit my training all around. I started getting depressed and angry and thats what brought me here actually. I was looking for a way to get a feminine body and loose muscle with exercise rather than inactivity. I did construct a good routine so now I am back to where I need to be.

I don't know if exercise will help but it does create a great sense of well being by raising serotonin. Gives you something to work towards (eg. loosing weight) and it occupies free time.

If this just isn't for you there are several methods you can find online that I just happened to learn in an anger management class I had to go to.

[Rotika]

Thank you everyone for your advice. I've spent the last months talking to my wife and deciding if/when I should goto therapy. Money is tight at the moment but won't be for long. But I know for sure that I want HRT. I was born a boy.. But I'm a girl at heart really. The anger is really how I've been dealing with not being able to be myself I think. So I think I'm going to start working out again. Something productive for release.

"Anger and depression essentially live on the same continuum, but at opposite ends. Ones an outward expression, ones an inward expression."
That really made me think. Thanks

"I'm afraid i'll never get to transition or be the "man in a dress" if I were to transition"
Darlin, try not to think like that. When I transition.. If I become the "man in a dress" I'll still feel more like myself than I ever have been able to before. I just want to be me. HRT and some surgery will just help me along the way to my goals.

"I was really angry as a kid, I'd kick anything that wasn't nailed to the ground"
Truely.. As did I. I've calmed down a lot. I did some time in the military and it really helped me release most of my frustrations and shortcomings as a person. But this anger I have is new. I find myself just playing a computer game or cleaning house and getting a bit red in the face that I'm not doing it as the girl I long to be. I can't be her all the time though. I'm temporarily living at my dad's house (he doesn't know I'm trans) while I get on my feet as a civilian.


When I put on my girl clothes, do my hair and makeup.. I feel like a thousands lbs has been lifted off my back.

[rosinstraya]

Once I made my decision to be me, a massive amount of anger and angry reactions in general quietly dissipated.

[ChiGirl]

I've never really been an angry person, but the last few years, my depression manifests into anger like you wouldn't believe. My wife had become afraid of my outbursts.  Since I've fully accepted myself, it's helped because I now know where the anger and depression come from. But now I owe it to my wife to explain to her why I've been like this.  That's the next scary step.

[Catherine Sarah]

Anger and depression are two of societies biggest killers. There outcomes are manifest in so many ways. Road rage, "king" hits, mass shootings, suicide, substance abuse, physical abuse ( and yes gyms come under the category of abuse too). Even hate can kill you from body toxins.

Until you find and accept the real, genuine, authentic YOU, you're not living a life. You're just existing.

Compromises simply just don't work. It's even harder in relationship. You both have to be blatantly honest about what is and what isn't going to work. Exchanging one compromise for another just doesn't work.

We base a lot of our actions and responses on fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of hurting someone, fear I'm not good enough, fear I can't / won't achieve my dreams.

Let me say; the fear of suffering these, is worse than the sufferings themselves.

There's a whole new life out there waiting for everyone. It's beyond your belief and imagination what is available to those who actively seek their, real; genuine; authentic self.

It's going to cost you your current lifestyle. One way; or the other.

As mentioned before anger and depression are at opposite ends of the spectrum as is being real, genuine and authentic.

The question you have to ask yourself is; which end of that spectrum do you want to live? Anger/depression or genuine/authentic. It's has to be, one end or the other. There's NO half way.

If you want to move forward, if you are afraid, or simple don't know ..... ask.

Ask someone you trust. Ask someone who's been trained to help.

Wishing you the lifetime of happiness that awaits you

Catherine

[Rotika]

Once again. Catherine. Thank you so much. I just saved your entire last post on my desktop.. I think it's something I'll be reading again and again in the coming weeks.

"Let me say; the fear of suffering these, is worse than the sufferings themselves. "
   So true. Yet so hard to really take the first step into applying it. I am afraid. Of what I have to lose. I was kind've a druggie before I went into the military. The army earned me the only bit of respect my dad gives me. Or will really ever give me. Same goes for the rest of my family. No one really liked my company except my mom and two sisters (who I've come out to). Now my family can't get enough of me. And it's nice to finaly be accepted. So I'm afraid that when I come out fully they'll all decide they hate me again.. kinda scary.

"Fear of the unknown, fear of hurting someone, fear I'm not good enough, fear I can't / won't achieve my dreams."
   I fully believe that if I can just work up the strength to fully come out to EVERYONE in my life, and stop worrying about what strangers may /may not think... I'll be living in a dreamworld from that point on. I don't think I'll be drop dead gorgeous. Or even attractive. I just want to be myself. And carefree.

"You both have to be blatantly honest about what is and what isn't going to work."
   This has been the foundation my wife and I built our marriage upon. We've always been very up front about our intentions and future plans/expectations. She is without a doubt the only woman I would expect to be as open to my transition as she is. When I told her I was really a girl inside.. She was only surprised. I gave her a couple days to think.. then she started asking fun things like "so what size boobs do you think you'll get? not bigger than mine right???" lmao.. we still joke and have fun with the whole thing. I do her makeup.. she does my nails.. I help her put on fake tan.. she helps me dye my hair.. ect. We're like best friends with benefits. We love to lock ourselves in the bedroom with all the above.. plus a bottle of wine and the series Gilmore Girls.. haha
   More simply put.. we work

"Ask someone who's been trained to help."
   Absolutely in my future. Like I stated though; Money's tight right after christmas. Had to make this one special for "long winded" reasons

[alexis.j]

Most of my life i had a short fuse, and it just got worse until i started HRT. ..

[VioletTara]

Great thread.  I agree that anger and depression go hand-in-hand whenever someone (anyone) is unable to be genuine.  I was very angry and depressed for many years.  Not violent, but definitely short-fused, low-frustration tolerance.  I have to say that even before starting HRT, I started to see a reduction in both anger and depression as I learned to be myself.  Discovering who I was and what I liked, expressing myself more frequently not just as a transgender person but just in general as a person.  It was great and lasted several months!  So much of the anxiety seemed to float away too.

But then I started to resent the switch back and forth from guy mode to gal mode and a different anger and depression came to surface... like OP mentioned above.  At this point, I started HRT and made a timeline for myself.  The HRT helped immensely, but developing my own timeline gave me a clear path and a sense I was heading where I wanted to be heading, even when thing seemed difficult.  One of the best things I ever did.  I've been able to stay true to that timeline.

[Jill F]

I used to have a short fuse all right.   I could go from zero to "rip your face clean off your skull and eat it" in no time flat until I got my testosterone/DHT tanked.  "Road rage" was my middle name and I could explode like nobody I'd ever met.  I thought I was probably just another a*hole like my father and his father before him.  And believe me, I was a serious a*hole.  I would insult people to their faces, pick fights and OMG, if I ever got rubbed the wrong way, that person was going to regret it for the rest of time.

Nowadays it takes a LOT to rattle me.  No more road rage, no more aggro, no more rampages, no more "Grogzilla".

[alexbb]

Once I made my decision to be me, a massive amount of anger and angry reactions in general quietly dissipated.

^this

[Catherine Sarah]

   I fully believe that if I can just work up the strength to fully come out to EVERYONE in my life, and stop worrying about what strangers may /may not think... I'll be living in a dreamworld from that point on. I don't think I'll be drop dead gorgeous. Or even attractive. I just want to be myself.and carefree

That's an incredible powerful statement and attitude. Just remove the "if" and it'll be an explosive statement and attitude. You'll be unstoppable.


Hi Rotika,

You are absolutely fabulous. You are such a strong, resilient, intelligent woman. You have everything needed to get to where you want to be, even a healthy dose of fear. You even said yourself you fully believe you can find the strength to come out to everyone, and that it'll be a dream world when it happens. No longer is a matter of "if," it's now a matter of "when." Time is now in control, not fear. That's displacing fear already. Fear is on the run from you. That's awesome.  Fear used in a positive way, will drive us to finding the resolve we want. Once our heart is set on having the absolute best for ourselves, which flows on to others, the universe conspires to make it happen. Fear used negatively, seeks to destroy our heart and everything we have.

And yes, I couldn't agree more, what you are trying to achieve IS scary. The thought of losing everything is plain down right bloody horrifying. My transition cost me everything, thankfully. Because what I was holding onto wasn't worth it. I was as dysfunctional as rectangular wheels in a car race.  But what I gained from my loss is totally unbelievable. I live an unimaginable life, every day now. Even the family that rose from the ashes, is a far better family. Before, no one spoke of their thoughts or feelings. It was like walking on egg shells. Now everything is on the table. A very healthy mature relationship.

What I say are only signposts to you. Nobody can overcome your fears, anxieties; only you can do that. You're the one with the strength to reach down deep inside and find the real authentic you. Once that authenticity is released, nothing will stop it. It will radiate from every pore in your being, just like the honesty does in your relationship. You have some fabulous people already on your team to help you do that. Your partner, your sisters. To a degree your military training.

The honesty you established your present relationship on, is being honoured with the growth and maturity that is taking place in it. The same honesty applied to your family and to anything else you turn your hand to will be honoured as well.

Tell your family how much you love and appreciate them. Educate them in the knowledge of birth defects. GID / AIS, etc are very well medically documented foetal defects. Ask them to help you through this difficult patch in your life. You'll be a mazed at the outcome. Take is slow. Step by step. They same way you've done it so far. 

It is now a matter of time, not fear that governs your destiny. Go now and claim it.

Huggs
Catherine