I don't know anymore

[ImagineKate]

Yes I am really writing this.

Lately I have had the "WTF am I doing?" moments more and more.

Along with it comes guilt and shame. Guilt that I'm harming people - my family, wife and kids. My wife makes it plain she'll never accept, but really can't leave. My dad, who hasn't replied to my coming out letter. Mom's is on her way via USPS.

I see myself in the mirror and in photos. Will I pass? I think I have a good chance. But I will always see glimpses of a man in the mirror. People I know will always see me as a man. And that tears me to pieces.

I got an interview for a VP of engineering position at another company, and they do want me. Salary is a significant bump over what I'm making now, and nothing to sneeze at. Would put me in a whole new category, and provide everything my family needs, even allow my wife to stay home and be a full time mom (she won't though, because she has benefits, a union and a pension.) Problem is that it was found from my male profile linkedin (don't have a female one yet). So they're expecting a manly man. I could take it and then slowly transition, but that would set me back. Besides it feels just wrong perpretrating the patriarchy. I don't feel like taking it and then continuing transition. I feel that if I lose my current job or leave I will go full time and job search as a woman. I don't want people hiring me on false pretenses.

Then I remember Lynn Conway who had a career at IBM but was not happy because she could not be herself. She tried to transition and they fired her. That to me is my reality check... would I rather be fiancially secure or happy with myself? Would I love to have money in the bank but constantly be wanting to jump off a building because I can't stand "him?" This is where I've been sometimes. It's not pretty at all. The ONLY thing keeping me going is when my baby daughter smiles and says, "daddy, you look so cuuute" or my son sits next to me and lays his head on my bosom. Or my first daughter jumps around screaming, "jungle angry birds!" when we watch Rio together for the 5 millionth time.

My current job has promised me full support with transition. I would present the competing offer to them but there are no vacancies at that level. So I feel stuck at middle management.  And it would seem like I'm milking it for all it's worth... don't want to destroy the goodwill.

I feel like my voice is stuck. I have been trying FYFV and getting some progress, but it's slow and frustrating. To boot, I've caught a cold and lost half my voice. I do want to go to Yeson. However I am afraid of minor health issues like blood pressure and diabetes would cause a problem. I have a dr appt next week. I have been meaning to get to a voice therapist, but I don't have the money right now. Winter bills including $700 for heating fuel (propane) have left me broke.

Some of my bills are past due. I have to juggle stuff around to make ends meet. I don't answer my cell anymore because they keep calling. I get threatening letters. Thing is, I used to be a high roller, getting the best offers for everything. Somehow now I feel guilty about spending any money on transition even though the only major expenses are electrolysis and therapy, which really don't cost all that much, relatively speaking.

Speaking of electrolysis, I am disheartened at how fast the stuff grows back! I used to use vaniqa and that slowed things some but I decided to stop to just let electrolysis do its thing for a more permanent result. When I shave and see a shadow that knocks me straight to the ground. I think I may have some hyperpigmentation issues going on too. My dermatologist warned me that would happen. "Here is some hydroquinone, use that to lighten the spots."

And today I come out to my wife's older daughter. I have no idea what to expect.

Sometimes I feel it's not worth going on.

Sometimes I feel detransition might happen.

Other times I feel that detransitioning from life itself may be an option.

I see a used pregnancy test in the ladies room at a big box store this weekend. That will always be negative for me. I have 3 kids but I can never know what it is like to carry them. I have been through the emotional stress of infertility, having spent a few years in a fertility clinic trying to conceive. Broken me and fixed her both contributed. But we did have a lot of heartbreak in between the start to success.

Sorry if I'm just spilling everything out, but I need to cry right now.

Hope to make it to the end of today in one piece. I am broken. A broken human being. Cursed by, quite possibly laughed at by nature.

I will be alright, I see my therapist this Friday but right now... I just... don't... know.

[suzifrommd]

Guilt that I'm harming people - my family, wife and kids.

Hugs, Kate. I've been in a similar place you are. It really is a difficult decision.

But permit me to disagree that you're harming anyone. If they have trouble adjusting to you're being you, that is not your doing. It's theirs.

Is continuing as a man REALLY an option? You only get one life, right? Do you want to spend the only one you have pretending to be someone you're not?

Yes, electrolysis is painful and endless. Transition invites criticism and discrimination. It requires patience and strength.

Luckily, you are patient and strong.

[Broken-hearted]

I wish I could sit next to you and give you a big squeeze. I can't offer much advice as I'm on the same side of your wife: my husband is transitioning.

I'm not *allowed* to look hurt around him anymore. Being the unselfish one, I try try to follow instructions but some days are more stressful than others so I have to take an extra bathroom break or have to put another load on to wash  just to take a crying break. I don't want for him to see me cry anymore. I'm not sure why, but I think he gets some sort enjoyment out having that power over me.

But enough about me.

How about quiet meditation? Sometimes getting input from so many places can get a little confusing.  Good luck.

[ImagineKate]

So I had a bright spot today.

I came out to one of her older daughters (we have a blended family), and she was very accepting. That keeps me afloat for now. I've also had my afternoon dose of E and the world feels right again. I had no idea how accepting she'd be. She said that basically it's not my fault, that my trans-ness is an integral part of me and I can't really change it. She wished me the best on my transition and said I could ask her for advice on stuff (beauty). Cool. She also said she'd try to get my wife (her mom) to go out from time to time, maybe see the wider world a bit more.

[ImagineKate]

Hugs, Kate. I've been in a similar place you are. It really is a difficult decision.

But permit me to disagree that you're harming anyone. If they have trouble adjusting to you're being you, that is not your doing. It's theirs.

Is continuing as a man REALLY an option? You only get one life, right? Do you want to spend the only one you have pretending to be someone you're not?

Yes, electrolysis is painful and endless. Transition invites criticism and discrimination. It requires patience and strength.

Luckily, you are patient and strong.

Hi Suzi,

I do agree. I cannot bring myself to live in my male-bodied prison. So I break free. Or, at least I'll still live in the prison, but the new drapes, remodeling and a new coat of paint will make it feel more like home. 

[CaptFido87]

Hi Kate,

I'm sorry to hear how the stress of the world feels like its on your shoulders. I can't even fanthom to imagine how this for you with a whole family, trying to pay the bills, getting a better job and transitioning at the same time. Its hard enough to do by myself. Stay strong Kate. We are family here and you have all of support. Life is tough and can be really scary at times but its how you get over the tough times is what's make the person in you.

As for this job offer, maybe bring up the transitioning thing during the interview. Who knows maybe they will accept it and continue to hire you. Its worth a shot anyways right

Lots of love and kisses,
Marty (Sammi)

[Leslie36369]

This is actually a partial fear of mine just in a different aspect.
I really think your happiness is more important than money, but at the same time (no matter what anyone tries to believe) money does buy happiness in it provides the things we need want and takes some of life's stresses away.
If I were in your position as you described I would ask for a quiet meeting with whoever is in charge of hiring, and explain your situation.
That is probably a very uncomfortable thought to entertain, but what do you have to loose. Everyone is here because we don't feel trying to pretend we are males ( or females in other cases ) is working. If you retract all your progress you will regret it at some point is my guess.
If the company that wants you really want you for your skill set they will support you. If not you will still have your current position.
As far as passing. You have replied to many of my threads and I have always thought you look very much like a women and from what I gather it will only get better.
I realize all of this is easier said than done, hopefully it will give you some insight though. I think even when we know what's best we convince ourselves we are wrong because of fear. We are all our own worst critics and can be our own worst enimies.
I pray you make the decision that will make you happy no matter what it is. And by the way all the other stuff aside, congratulations. Even the offer is a major career achievement. Just be strong and true to you. Good luck

[ImagineKate]

I guess I could ask. It couldn't hurt, right?

I would have also preferred to be promoted at my job but for whatever reason that never really happened. The interesting thing is I'm paid almost as much as VP level staff in this company and more than some directors. But it doesn't come with a title and an office that I'd like and that bothers me. I feel that after a 17 year career, graduating from a prestigious university and having many professional accomplishments I should be respected more. I've seen people with lesser credentials promoted ahead of me, but paid less. I asked the CTO about it and he said that he can pay me well but he doesn't want me to have to deal with him yelling because that's what he does to VP level people... Umm ok. I was a cop and I also worked for financial firms under pressure, what makes you think I can't handle it? This was well before the trans thing came to a head.

One of my old bosses was an absolute moron. He had his brilliant moments but he screwed up so much stuff that I spent night after night after night with my team fixing. Some of it even affected public facing stuff. He took a risk, didn't ask my advice and then dumped it in my lap to fix when it blew up. He got yelled at day after day. He stayed on for a couple years then left for a competitor across the street.

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi Kate

We all have some days where total doubt kicks in, and I can understand that this would be influenced by your wife and kids.  It's a slow process.  The hair keeps coming back; yesterday you felt happier and pretter; the voice isn't where you'd like it - many of us have or are living through all of that.  But it does improve.

The job thing is totally separate, and it's an area where I'd advise a minimally risky approach.  If your current employer is fully supportive of your transition this position is well worth holding onto.  If you're invited to an interview with this other firm, you have nothing to lose by explaining your situation, but probably not in the initial interviews.  If they show strong interest and invite you back for further discussions to close a deal, one of those meetings would probably be the moment to discuss your situation.  You've nothing to lose by being honest once you know they want you, but I do think it would be highly riskly to change jobs and then spring it on them.

Regards
Julia

[ElizMarie]

Kate,
I highly agree with Julia.  I think that you could continue to pursue the other job, and if things look really, really, really promising, then discuss the situation WITH THEIR HR ONLY (not with the person who would be your superior).  Their HR could provide you with insight on how the company deals with employees who transition on the job (regardless of level).  HR is usually bound to keep their mouth shut and could give you a little bit more of an unbiased appraisal of the situation.  And if HR doesn't keep their mouth shut, then that company isn't worth working for anyway.

And as one who is going to lose my family should I go "all the way" through transition, I want to join those who are giving hugs to you.  I just wish that our families could get inside our head and see things from our perspective. 

Marie

[ImagineKate]

Yep. Staying low seems to be the best course of action, it does kill me though that I have to pass up good, possibly life changing opportunities just so I can be myself.

I guess a little patience is not a bad thing, I will be full time soon anyway, and later on I can find something else if I really need to. It's just that sometimes the pressure at home would be solved if I could bring in just a little more to the family finances, kids are going to school now and that is really eating a hole in my budget. Maybe I could look at other income streams like a second job or something I can do online like consulting (I've done it in the past.)

Thanks for the hugs all, it's really appreciated.

[ImagineKate]

So this is what no or lessened dysphoria feels like. Once that is gone other stuff will take its place. You just can't win sometimes.

[Zumbagirl]

Yes I am really writing this.

Lately I have had the "WTF am I doing?" moments more and more.

Along with it comes guilt and shame. Guilt that I'm harming people - my family, wife and kids. My wife makes it plain she'll never accept, but really can't leave. My dad, who hasn't replied to my coming out letter. Mom's is on her way via USPS.

I see myself in the mirror and in photos. Will I pass? I think I have a good chance. But I will always see glimpses of a man in the mirror. People I know will always see me as a man. And that tears me to pieces.

I got an interview for a VP of engineering position at another company, and they do want me. Salary is a significant bump over what I'm making now, and nothing to sneeze at. Would put me in a whole new category, and provide everything my family needs, even allow my wife to stay home and be a full time mom (she won't though, because she has benefits, a union and a pension.) Problem is that it was found from my male profile linkedin (don't have a female one yet). So they're expecting a manly man. I could take it and then slowly transition, but that would set me back. Besides it feels just wrong perpretrating the patriarchy. I don't feel like taking it and then continuing transition. I feel that if I lose my current job or leave I will go full time and job search as a woman. I don't want people hiring me on false pretenses.

Then I remember Lynn Conway who had a career at IBM but was not happy because she could not be herself. She tried to transition and they fired her. That to me is my reality check... would I rather be fiancially secure or happy with myself? Would I love to have money in the bank but constantly be wanting to jump off a building because I can't stand "him?" This is where I've been sometimes. It's not pretty at all. The ONLY thing keeping me going is when my baby daughter smiles and says, "daddy, you look so cuuute" or my son sits next to me and lays his head on my bosom. Or my first daughter jumps around screaming, "jungle angry birds!" when we watch Rio together for the 5 millionth time.

My current job has promised me full support with transition. I would present the competing offer to them but there are no vacancies at that level. So I feel stuck at middle management.  And it would seem like I'm milking it for all it's worth... don't want to destroy the goodwill.

I feel like my voice is stuck. I have been trying FYFV and getting some progress, but it's slow and frustrating. To boot, I've caught a cold and lost half my voice. I do want to go to Yeson. However I am afraid of minor health issues like blood pressure and diabetes would cause a problem. I have a dr appt next week. I have been meaning to get to a voice therapist, but I don't have the money right now. Winter bills including $700 for heating fuel (propane) have left me broke.

Some of my bills are past due. I have to juggle stuff around to make ends meet. I don't answer my cell anymore because they keep calling. I get threatening letters. Thing is, I used to be a high roller, getting the best offers for everything. Somehow now I feel guilty about spending any money on transition even though the only major expenses are electrolysis and therapy, which really don't cost all that much, relatively speaking.

Speaking of electrolysis, I am disheartened at how fast the stuff grows back! I used to use vaniqa and that slowed things some but I decided to stop to just let electrolysis do its thing for a more permanent result. When I shave and see a shadow that knocks me straight to the ground. I think I may have some hyperpigmentation issues going on too. My dermatologist warned me that would happen. "Here is some hydroquinone, use that to lighten the spots."

And today I come out to my wife's older daughter. I have no idea what to expect.

Sometimes I feel it's not worth going on.

Sometimes I feel detransition might happen.

Other times I feel that detransitioning from life itself may be an option.

I see a used pregnancy test in the ladies room at a big box store this weekend. That will always be negative for me. I have 3 kids but I can never know what it is like to carry them. I have been through the emotional stress of infertility, having spent a few years in a fertility clinic trying to conceive. Broken me and fixed her both contributed. But we did have a lot of heartbreak in between the start to success.

Sorry if I'm just spilling everything out, but I need to cry right now.

Hope to make it to the end of today in one piece. I am broken. A broken human being. Cursed by, quite possibly laughed at by nature.

I will be alright, I see my therapist this Friday but right now... I just... don't... know.

Yes transitioning is a selfish act, but not in a negative way. Your the only person who will benefit from the transition. You only get 1 life to live, there are no do-overs. You have to weigh it all carefully. If you can survive without a transition then try it. Maybe you can go out in girl mode on the weekends. You don't need a note from a doctor for that. Electrolysis and even FFS can be done without hormones or letters. In short there are a lot of things you can do on your own that don't require a gender transition.

I lived a dual life for a while. I was just short of changing on way out of the parking lot of my job every night. I'd be putting on a wig before I was even half way home. Good thing I never drove home with another coworker :-p.

Full time living is the great big precipice that requires a leap of faith. It's where old lives end and new ones begin. It's where existing families break apart and new families start. When I was transitioning I used to go to a support group in Hartford and I would listen to unbelievable story of bitter divorces and child custody battles. Some ex-es used some of the most hateful and hurtful words I have ever thought a person would say. A TS person is almost 99.9999% on the losing side for those battles in court. It got so depressing that I stopped going and just concentrated on my own life. Of course all of this was a long time ago and things may have changed but to be honest I seriously doubt it.

It seems crazy sometimes that it takes all kinds of devastation just for the right to be called Kate 24/7 and show up for work in nylons without getting fired.

[jeni]

Yes transitioning is a selfish act, but not in a negative way. Your the only person who will benefit from the transition.

I sort of agree, though I would hesitate to use the word selfish because it has those negative connotations built in. Transitioning is something you are doing for yourself, and that is ok. We can't live for the people around us all the time.

There can be benefits for others, though, if the transition makes you happier, less depressed, and more functional. I was worried at first about whether my kids would be hurt by my transition, but realized that they will be better off with a happier, better adjusted parent than with a miserable "father." It won't be easy for them, but it's not a choice between easy and hard, it's a choice between hard and harder.

The trick is: which is "hard" and which is "harder"?

[Rachel]

Kate, hugs

You have a lot of things going on and a lot of pressure. There has been some great advise given and I do not have a lot to add other than we are here for you.

I agree to have that quiet chat with the perspective employer. Although having full support where you are is very comforting and that would weigh heavy in their favor.

You are relatively new on HRT and look great. I think passing is in your future. Voice is tough and it takes many hours of practice.

Where do you see yourself in both positions in 5 years assuming the old job you are female and the new job you are male? Look at those two people, see their faces, which one is happy?

[ImagineKate]

That's true, Cynthia. Transition has put a new spring in my step, and has basically given me a raison d'être. Despite the adversity, when I dress and present female, I am happy, comfortable and I am calm just to be ME.

I certainly hope passing is in my future. I do plan to work very hard at it.

This is certainly not the first risk I've taken in my life and it won't be the last. I have done bold things and it has paid dividends. This is no different in that regard. But it is also different because it is about who I am, not just something I'm doing.

I am lucky that I have a good therapist, she is one of the best, committee member of WPATH as well and very experienced with gender issues. Also happy and lucky that I have a good medical team that takes care of me with my hormone care and management of my other health issues.

I am also especially lucky to have all of you here at Susan's. I am ever grateful. Thank you.