Hello everyone:
I am coming here at the very beginning of my gender journey, so I apologize for writing a fairly long story. I need the therapy. ha ha.
To sort of spill my story, I am a biological male at a complete crossroads with my gender. As a child I was always drawn to the feminine. I played with Barbies, related to female characters in video games, had VERY mild exposure to crossdressing (although always in role playing games, not just dressing up), and related to my female family members more. I have always had a very tough time with friendships, and I always wondered why. I had always sort of desired to be a woman, but it was moreso from my inadequacies as a man than the feeling that "male was wrong". Since I started puberty, I have realized I had a sexual attraction to men, and I have had romantic attractions to women and their availability. (Quite the fun grab bag, huh?)
Well, I have had a rough summer. Over the past 9 months or so, I was really trying to come to terms with my sexuality. Also, I moved cities and jobs, had a large certification exam, and basically lost my group of friends from my previous city. Right before the exam, I happened to be in a store and met an energetic, very nice woman (MTF) that thought I was a straight male (which I have been trying to project for years now). Afterward, though, I suddenly had epiphany-like thoughts that I wanted to be and was like her. And, for the past month, thoughts of my gender have consumed me.
Needless to say, at this point, I am really confused and trying to find my way. As soon as my insurance kicks in, I'm going to see a gender specialist to find out what all is going on. I've had issues with lonliness, relationship formation, and depression for years, so I really am trying to get through a lot and then the gender identity is stacking on top. I am absolutely petrified of the idea of transitioning, especially since I never had a loathing or hatred of my body until recently. I've only been disappointed that my male body was inadequate and that I was a "failure as a man". I also have had all my feelings that "I am gay but don't want to admit it" being replaced by "I want to be a woman and don't want to admit it." Unfortuantely, a full transition isn't really an option with my career at this point, and I don't knwo that I want that. I would love to just be happy being me, something I haven't been ever, and I would love to be able to love and connect with other people.
Anyway, I thank you for the read. I have a long journey, and I know I need help. I also hope that helping with this depression and anxiety will make some of the pathways clearer and that I can move forward, trying many different directions. I also thank everone in advance for any support and encouragement they can provide. I really do feel very alone in this new place, and I am trying to reach out to anywhere I can.
Best wishes always to everyone.
