Hello everyone:

I am coming here at the very beginning of my gender journey, so I apologize for writing a fairly long story.  I need the therapy.  ha ha.

To sort of spill my story, I am a biological male at a complete crossroads with my gender.  As a child I was always drawn to the feminine.  I played with Barbies, related to female characters in video games, had VERY mild exposure to crossdressing (although always in role playing games, not just dressing up), and related to my female family members more.  I have always had a very tough time with friendships, and I always wondered why.  I had always sort of desired to be a woman, but it was moreso from my inadequacies as a man than the feeling that "male was wrong".  Since I started puberty, I have realized I had a sexual attraction to men, and I have had romantic attractions to women and their availability.  (Quite the fun grab bag, huh?)

Well, I have had a rough summer.  Over the past 9 months or so, I was really trying to come to terms with my sexuality.  Also, I moved cities and jobs, had a large certification exam, and basically lost my group of friends from my previous city.  Right before the exam, I happened to be in a store and met an energetic, very nice woman (MTF) that thought I was a straight male (which I have been trying to project for years now).  Afterward, though, I suddenly had epiphany-like thoughts that I wanted to be and was like her.  And, for the past month, thoughts of my gender have consumed me. 

Needless to say, at this point, I am really confused and trying to find my way.  As soon as my insurance kicks in, I'm going to see a gender specialist to find out what all is going on.  I've had issues with lonliness, relationship formation, and depression for years, so I really am trying to get through a lot and then the gender identity is stacking on top.  I am absolutely petrified of the idea of transitioning, especially since I never had a loathing or hatred of my body until recently.  I've only been disappointed that my male body was inadequate and that I was a "failure as a man".  I also have had all my feelings that "I am gay but don't want to admit it" being replaced by "I want to be a woman and don't want to admit it."  Unfortuantely, a full transition isn't really an option with my career at this point, and I don't knwo that I want that.  I would love to just be happy being me, something I haven't been ever, and I would love to be able to love and connect with other people.

Anyway, I thank you for the read.  I have a long journey, and I know I need help.  I also hope that helping with this depression and anxiety will make some of the pathways clearer and that I can move forward, trying many different directions.  I also thank everone in advance for any support and encouragement they can provide.  I really do feel very alone in this new place, and I am trying to reach out to anywhere I can. 

Best wishes always to everyone.

Hi FirstStep,
Is that what you'd like to be called or do you prefer another name? First, welcome to Susan's! You've joined a great community and I know you will feel at home with the forums and chat and Wiki and other resources we have here. Many people have stories similar to yours. The questioning of gender in relation to the rest of your life is definitely a common theme I think most of us share. Be yourself and ask questions

Smart move seeking out therapy to get answers. When you have so many questions about yourself, I've found gender therapy is a good starting point. Remember, they won't give you answers, but will help you ask the questions that will help you answer them honestly. Take care, see you around, Meghan

Welcome to Susan's.

Your story is similar to many here, but none the less an important one.  We all have to start somewhere and I can think of no better place to start than here at Susan's.  You will meet many folks here, some at the same point as you are in your journey, and others who are further alone.  Each has experiences that you can draw on and there is much advice and information here in the forums and in the Wiki.

Please take time to explore the site, and be sure to read the "Terms of Service" and if you have any questions... don't be afraid to ask.

Enjoy your stay.

Steph

Thanks for the welcome.  At this point, yes, FirstStep is good for me.  As I said, I'm only about a month into this journey, so just for my own comfort right now, I would like to stick with that.

I know this is going to be tough, but I know I need to get my mental health in order before I can start exploring gender, and I'm afraid that I am doing that backward at this point.  So, therapy, here I come!

Welcome, Firststep!

   We all need to get our mental health in order, so you're definitely not alone in that.  Take your time and move at your own speed.


Rebis

Welcome to Susans, Firststep. You're making some positive steps in understanding yourself. This is a good spot to help you if and when you need it.

Gennee

Welcome!

ok... for some I started to cry when I read your story.  Maybe because of its simularity to mine.  Maybe because you are alone.  I don't know...

I *do* know. Its overwhelming at first.  When that epiphany hit you ....  I couldn't sleep or eat.  One time I found myself in an elevator with the doors opening.  I had no idea where I was or why I was there.  I didn't even know what building I was in.  Very scary.

You may be living alone but you aren't alone.

-HUG-

Hiya Firststep!  Welcome to Susan's.

Thanks for the introduction.  It sounds awfully familiar...wish I could tell you how it ends, but that is just one of those things you will have to figure out on your own.  Meanwhile, relax, have fun and enjoy the folks here.  Be sure to ask lots of questions (you will get all kinds of answers, some will actually be helpful) and join in with the discussions as you feel like it.

Glad you are here and welcome home.

.....Laurry

Hi there,
welcome to the board! Hope you find lots of friends
here in the many lovely people on this board!

Hugs
Scott
(from New Zealand)

Welcome, First.  Do stop by Chat to meet some of the folks real time.

Robyn

Hello there and welcome to Susan's!

Thanks for your introduction. Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay

tink