Detransition, Temporary/Indefinite Stop

[JaclynLennon]

Hey

Advice?
I feel like I may have gone too far, I'm happy with my changes, but on the other hand I feel as if I'm taking this on too quickly.
For the last few weeks I have seriously been considering stopping my hormones. I don't know if I'm questioning my identity or what. I find I don't feel like a boy or a girl anymore, I'm just me.
I want to stop, if only for confirmation that I am doing the right thing. If I start to get super dysphoric again, I can always restart them. I can't afford them anymore and I'm sick of having no one in my life.
I miss my family, I miss my friends. Maybe I wasn't meant to start now?
I figure, worst case scenario, if I stop them and then I figure out I was on the right path, I can just go back?
Regardless I think I will still identify as trans, because I don't feel like a cis person. I have so much to figure out...
I think my biggest concern right now, is that I don't know where I want to end up, and the more hormones I take, the more work it will be to reverse if need be, but if I stop them for awhile, it is easy enough just to start back up.
I'm not considering going all the way back and changing everything again, I've just been considering putting it on pause and seeing how I react to that. I feel like I honestly fit just between genders, and that there are aspects of both I want to have, and aspects of both I dislike.
I spent so long pretending to be someone, I honestly don't feel like I know who I am anymore, and I think it's time I tried to focus on just that.

I have some small breast development, they are about 38A, and I really want to know what will happen to them if I stop my hormones. Will they shrink at all? Will they go down with chest exercise? I was planning on stopping for maybe 6 months, to give myself a better idea of where I stand, but I don't exactly want to be that guy with boobs. Are there non surgical ways to reduce breast growth?

Thanks

[Devlyn]

Big hug, JaclynLennon! Welcome to Susan's Place! You said it yourself, you need to find out who you are. You seem like you're ready to accept yourself, you just want more understanding. You will probably find that here. See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

[Ms Grace]

Hey Jaclyn

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

As someone who stopped her transition after two years on HRT but not fully transitioning I can appreciate your dilemma. It's not an easy choice to make but you really need to be sure that you are doing the right thing for yourself - if you are unsure, if talking about it with a counsellor hasn't helped, if you are feeling alone and unsupported and/or the changes and steps needing to be taken for full transition are too much to cope with then you need to seriously consider your options. I actually stopped because I felt it was never going to work, and figured that I could deal with living as a guy. And I tried. In the end there was no denying my trans nature meant I was miserable living and presenting as a guy. So here I am, some many years later fully transitioned at a time that worked best for me.

If you do want to stop HRT make sure you do it with proper medical supervision, no going cold turkey.

Anyway, to answer your other questions, there will be some loss of breast tissue - a lot of that will depend on your age and weight and degree of breast development. My barely just an A cups never went totally away, not even after I lost a lot of weight following detransition. Other changes, such as to fertility and libido may be diminished compared to pre-HRT levels (again, depending on age). Body hair will return, etc. Hope that helps!

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Cheers

Grace

[DriftingCrow]

It seems like you've already answered your questions and know what to do -- you're more looking for confirmation than advice.

You think you've gone too far, you're confused, you want a break; take the break then and think things through. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's best to take a break now then later. You're right, you can always start HRT again. It's not the end of the world.

Gender identity is very complex and I learn more about it everyday. I used to think there was only M and F, now I know there's so much more. My identity is more complex now than it was 2 years ago. It's okay to have an evolving identity and a better sense of self over time.

[Jessica Merriman]

Please use medical monitoring if you decide to stop. HRT is very powerful and you could go through some very hard times without medical support. What does your therapist think about this?