The good: I'm doing wonderful at work. Been hearing positive feedback on my performance a lot and workmates want to hang out with me. Promotion and a raise coming up.
The bad: It's probably just me but can't help the feeling that there's an elephant in the room, and the better I'm doing at work the bigger it gets.
Thing is, I'm not exactly out at work and do not wish to be out for the time being, for reasons that go beyond my irrational fear of my co-workers and superiors of not being accepting or using the fact that I'm trans against me. But I'm not at all sure I'm good at hiding the fact I'm trans. I'm pre-everything and probably will stay that way, so it's not like I would suddenly grow a beard or something so people could start wondering, but still. I guess it's the prospect of being outed before I'm ready that bothers me really.
I've been here before, what with my unfounded fears and unnecessary anxiety, and deep down I know everything will turn out right this time just as it has before. In long term some people will find out, if not for any other reason then simply because I will want to out myself, and I think it unlikely that it will be an issue at all. Yet I still have these days when I feel eerily nervous about the whole thing and it sucks and why oh why do I have to go through this same thing in my head year after year after year, every goddamn time there's some change in my life, never mind how small and positive, it's the same thing all over.
I'm not so much looking for advice, I just wanted to put this here in a hope that someone would relate or has ever felt something remotely similar.
