"But I'm not their mom."

[wolfduality]

This has always been a conflicting point for me. I have two children, both born from my body but I don't feel like their mom. I also don't feel "gifted" with the ability to carry children for my wife, it was simply a means to an end. I do understand how this can be confusing and I do wonder how this will affect my children as they grow up.

I guess where I'm going with this is that I wonder if my kids will ever see me as "dad". They are young so it's not like they've seen me as "mom" for decades. When I've seen this brought up in the past, usually the parent had adult aged kids before transitioning so it was understandable for the kids to be confused about things.

So the TLDR version is:

Will I always be "mom" to my kids? I will always follow their lead even if it's still calling me "mom".


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[ChiGirl]

Good question.  I guess I'll have to deal with that, too.  You'll always be their "father"  even you don't look the part. [emoji1]
I'm thinking about coming up with an alternative name for my daughter to call me.   Maybe... Moppa? 

[wolfduality]

Good question.  I guess I'll have to deal with that, too.  You'll always be their "father"  even you don't look the part. [emoji1]
I'm thinking about coming up with an alternative name for my daughter to call me.   Maybe... Moppa?

I've thought about that. I mean, if grandparents can come up with their pet names, why can't parents? Maybe even "borrowing" an obscure foreign word for dad?

"Mom" just doesn't fit me but calling me by my first name is too formal for my own kids.


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[LoriLorenz]

Oh the fun we had teasing my father when he got *stuck* with his pet grandparent name. Long story short, what he THOUGHT was a mis-pronounciation by my then-toddle nephew was a distinction between "Mommy's Daddy" (My sister's kid we are speaking of) and "Mommy's Daddy's Daddy"!!!

Find something that you find suitable for you hun. Here's a website that lists a whole bunch: http://www.mothersdaycelebration.com/mother-in-different-languages.html

[Dex]

Not exactly the same situation but my wife has three children from her previous relationship. They were 5, 2, and not quite born yet when we first started seeing each other. They are now 12, 10 and 7 and I only started transitioning a year ago. So for most of their lives I was their "second mom". They honestly had a very easy time switching pronouns and names and I had very honest discussions with them about what it all meant and how I felt (age appropriate of course). Younger children have a much different view of the world than people who have had decades to form opinions and habits. I think in time they will adjust.

[jeni]

Really good (and difficult) questions... I'm starting to think about this from the MtF perspective. Currently I'm "dad," and my initial feeling was that, despite discomfort with a lot of things, I had grown to identify with that name/family role. After thinking about it for a while, though, I do think I'll eventually change to something else tbd. A big reason is the discomfort I imagine would come from being called by an obviously wrong-gendered name when out and about.

My wife and I are still thinking about this, but we plan to roll out the changes pretty slowly (kids are 1-8 years old now) so it'll be a while before we have to deal with this. I think we'll let the kids decide what they're comfortable with, but encourage them to shift away from "dad." I think the younger kids won't have a problem, but it may take the older some time. But I'm confident that the kids will adapt, and I bet yours will too!

[MrSeahorse]

I am about to go through something similar. I'm trying to have a baby in a poly family in which I am not a primary parent (right now, at least). So the one I carry might only ever call me by my first name.  There are two existing kids, and their moms are getting a divorce right now. I know. SO COMPLICATED. Right now I'm some mix of weird uncle/surrogate. Some days I'm okay with it. Other times, it's just completely nauseating.

[ImagineKate]

Really good (and difficult) questions... I'm starting to think about this from the MtF perspective. Currently I'm "dad," and my initial feeling was that, despite discomfort with a lot of things, I had grown to identify with that name/family role. After thinking about it for a while, though, I do think I'll eventually change to something else tbd. A big reason is the discomfort I imagine would come from being called by an obviously wrong-gendered name when out and about.

I don't want to take away "dad" from my kids but I agree wholeheartedly - I am constantly "outed" by my kids in public. And they are 4 so they scream "daddy" almost constantly


And yes we get weird looks.