I feel like a chicken

[Jace]

I need to talk to my parents about me being transgender or at least make them aware that I'm having issues with my gender. But I keep putting it off and eventually chickening out. First it was I wanted to wait till college, then I wanted to do it in person, but here I am leaving in the morning and I never talked to them. I wanted to this week but my dad left for work and wasn't back till tonight and it just didn't seem right to talk to them and then leave the next day. Talking to my sister didn't help either, she told me how devastated they'd be and how she won't ever be able be able to call me Jace. I know she's trying her best to be supportive but I feel like it's a lie, she says she supports me but then never talks to me about it and when she does it's just to scold me. I don't know I expected her to be a lot of help but instead she hasn't and that makes me afraid of the rest of my family which I have no hopes for.

I know I can't move forward in my transition without telling them, but I don't want to hurt them and I want them in my life. I don't know how to talk to them though, I can't even talk about things without turning into a sobbing mess. My boyfriend wants me to talk to him about things too and I can't even do that. I just feel so emotionally stunted. I've been so happy with how my life is going and what my future holds but I can't seem to get myself to take the steps to get there and it makes me so angry at myself.

My sister told me writing a letter wouldn't be the best option and I trusted her at the time but after listening to her this time around I'm not sure if I should put so much credit into her advice. My therapist seems to thinks it's a good route and though I have trouble putting my feelings into words it might be the only way I can do this.

Maybe I would have been able to do it tonight if my dad and brother cracked a joke about transgender people. That was so disheartening that it completely destroyed any courage I had built up. I don't know I'm sorry for ranting here I just feel frustrated.

[Ms Grace]

It can be hard to know when to pick the right time. I was petrified of telling my folks and I was 48!! I decided to tell them face to face, that way I could answer any immediate questions (they had a few). I actually waited until a few days before I transitioned to full time that way they'd have less opportunity to think they could talk me out of it. If you want to tell them that's great but keep in mind you don't have to tell them now, just when you are ready. It would be good if you talked to them with some idea about how you would to proceed - are you considering transition, do you need to see a therapist, do you want to take HRT, do you have a preference for name and pronouns, etc. You might find writing a letter first can be useful to get your thoughts together before speaking to them - that way if you get lost or a bit emotional you can refer to the letter.

[heavymetalkaiju]

I wrote letters. I absolutely can't bring myself to do it in person, but a letter would probably be your best option. I had better results with letters, but mostly because I'm afraid of physical confrontation. Not that I'm saying you'd have trouble, but that's what I did to avoid it. You can definitely get your point across with letters, and long distances will encourage them to be able to cool down before responding, and you won't be in the near vicinity to hear their initial responses, if that's what you're afraid of.

Good luck, do let us know how it goes!

[aleon515]

I did too,Heavy metal... I think they work better because they slow everyone down and give them time to think. If you put coming out as transgender letter in a search engine, you get a lot of results. If you do this in youtube, you get letters read.

--Jay

[HeyTrace19]

Writing a letter is a good way to go...You can write many drafts until you are sure you are clearly stating your intentions.  Don't feel rushed at all, and once you are ready, and feel solid in the message you want to deliver, then do so.  There are many things to focus on in the meantime.  You can begin your transition, if that is what you want, without telling anyone until you are ready.  Your family may or may not be supportive, but I would encourage you to be very solid in knowing who you are and how to proceed with your life before telling them.  The more confidence you show in yourself and your decisions, the easier it may be for your loved ones to be accepting and/or supportive. 

The person I thought would be most supportive, my sister, turned out to be the least, which is still a painful disappointment four years later.  My mother, who I thought would truly not understand, has been great, and the day I told her, she asked me "What took you so long?" (I began transition at age 40) So you never really know what people will do or say or how they will show their love for you, but it is a lot easier for everyone if YOU have confidence in your decisions.

Take your time, become who you are, and then share that with your family.  There is no time limit.

[Aeryn Zaher]

It really is scary to talk to your family about it. My parents pretend it was never mentioned even though I have brought it up many times over the last 21 years. My younger sister always acted supportive and said she would be there for me, but she slipped up while we were watching a tansman on tv one night and said something along the lines of "a freak like that".  I lost all belief that I could turn to her. My younger brother always just shrugged it off like it was nothing, but said the other night that I shouldn't do hrt because it would make me aggressive. "Men want to do two things, ->-bleeped-<- and destroy. If we can't do one we do the other. Always."

I'm hoping they will eventually forgive me for what I'm sure they will see as a betrayal once I move and get started. Really, all you can do is tell them and hope they will understand, or that they will eventually accept that it's happening.

[TrojanMan]

My mom had always told me since before I can remember that she'd love me no matter what, and about how terrible she thought it was that some people rejected their children. My dad, however, was a different story. He was always very religous and always made fun of gay people. So of course I came out to my mom, and she said she supported and loved me. I was terrified of what my dad would do. I thought he would hate me, tell me I was wrong, or disown me. I didn't ever plan on telling him. When I got my name changed they had to notify him because they needed both parents consent even though they were divorced. So he called me and told me about the letter (I had planned on just saying I didn't like my name) but he asked "Are you gay?" So I launched into reminding him that I always played with boys, wore boy clothes, and acted like a boy and then said that I was transgender. All the while I was crying. I was shocked when he said "So that means you wanna be a boy? Okay... I love you. You're my child no matter what you want to do and I support you." So my point is you never know what to expect from parents, and now my dad and I have a great father-son relationship. Keep in mind that if you feel you wouldn't be safe if you came out, or abused, you may want to do some considering. You can try hinting to them, like leaving an ftm page on the computer, or making up a friend that's trans to talk to them about. Are you still in school? You may want to come out to some friends so that you have a support group.

[Jason C]

Ugh, I was/am in such a similar position. Took me almost a year to tell my parents, told them a week ago. I constantly made excuses, like it was close to Easter or Christmas or a birthday or etc. so I kept chickening out. I wrote a letter and, in the end, I just thought, screw it, and did it. Try to remember that the longer you wait changes nothing; their reaction is going to be the same no matter when you tell them, and you're going to be just as nervous regardless of whether you wait or not. At least if you tell them now (as long as you're ready), it's out there and, from that point on, you can talk about it and just be you.

My parents' reaction was kind of like your sister's. They said they'll always love me and they accept me no matter who or what I am, but they're not going to call me Jason. They never talk about it, so it feels like they have no intention of even trying to understand, which hurts. My tactic is to leave it for a week or two and then try again. If your parents react similarly to your sister, give them a little bit of time, and then sit them down and calmly explain to them just how bad it feels that they don't even try to understand what you're going through. Explain to them the importance of pronouns and names (I have a video I saw on YouTube that talks about that, I can send you the link if you want). Tell them you love them and you're glad that they want to accept you and support you, but that it needs to be talked about and understood for that to happen, and that you only want them to try. Obviously say the same thing to your sister also, since your sister is the one who's reacted that way.

This is all just what I did/am going to do, so it's just my own opinion, but hopefully it helps and if you want to talk or want someone to listen to you, I'm always here!

[heavymetalkaiju]

Ugh, I was/am in such a similar position. Took me almost a year to tell my parents, told them a week ago. I constantly made excuses, like it was close to Easter or Christmas or a birthday or etc. so I kept chickening out. I wrote a letter and, in the end, I just thought, screw it, and did it. Try to remember that the longer you wait changes nothing; their reaction is going to be the same no matter when you tell them, and you're going to be just as nervous regardless of whether you wait or not. At least if you tell them now (as long as you're ready), it's out there and, from that point on, you can talk about it and just be you.

My parents' reaction was kind of like your sister's. They said they'll always love me and they accept me no matter who or what I am, but they're not going to call me Jason. They never talk about it, so it feels like they have no intention of even trying to understand, which hurts. My tactic is to leave it for a week or two and then try again. If your parents react similarly to your sister, give them a little bit of time, and then sit them down and calmly explain to them just how bad it feels that they don't even try to understand what you're going through. Explain to them the importance of pronouns and names (I have a video I saw on YouTube that talks about that, I can send you the link if you want). Tell them you love them and you're glad that they want to accept you and support you, but that it needs to be talked about and understood for that to happen, and that you only want them to try. Obviously say the same thing to your sister also, since your sister is the one who's reacted that way.

This is all just what I did/am going to do, so it's just my own opinion, but hopefully it helps and if you want to talk or want someone to listen to you, I'm always here!

That is exactly what my parents have said; that while they didn't disown me and still love me, they don't even WANT to begin to understand, and she's trying to convince me to NOT transition.

I waited a while and asked again, still the same response. I don't know what to tell her now, lol.

If anyone is met with opposition, I implore them to NOT act angry and violent, and assemble their answers in a mild and informed way. Lashing out will only cause them to take you less seriously.

[Jace]

Thanks for the responses everyone. I feel like at this point a letter is the best route for me. As much as I want to start T and get started on my name change I can't do it without telling my parents first, it would feel wrong, so unfortunately I need to step up if I want to further my transition. If they choose not to support me I'll just have to continue without them but I do wish they will be.

I'm hoping they will surprise me, it would make life so much simpler.

[Jason C]

Thanks for the responses everyone. I feel like at this point a letter is the best route for me. As much as I want to start T and get started on my name change I can't do it without telling my parents first, it would feel wrong, so unfortunately I need to step up if I want to further my transition. If they choose not to support me I'll just have to continue without them but I do wish they will be.

I'm hoping they will surprise me, it would make life so much simpler.

Well, now that I'm out, there is one bit of advice that I can say from experience. Don't lose hope if their initial reaction isn't ideal. I was so upset for a few days after my parents first found out, I was crying non-stop and felt so hopeless. But I feel a LOT better now even though nothing's changed, because they just need time. If their reaction isn't great, it can definitely be upsetting, but they need time to process it, too, you know? Just let them know you're willing to answer their questions and help them understand it, and then hopefully with time, they'll get there.

[darkblade]

When I was thinking of telling my parents I thought a letter wouldn't be a very good idea, although I'm much more articulate in writing, I felt that the question asking part would be lost and it might lead to confusion on my mom's part. Also, she doesn't really like reading stuff and usually skims over anything she has to read, so there was that risk too. So I ended up having a very emotional, very subtly worded conversation that started something like "I think, maybe, I might be a boy.." and avoided any direct sort of language that could convey certainty. In hindsight it might not have been the best approach, but it did get my mom to be on my side (in a way) and tell me that she's proud of the fact that I came to her for "help." I was afraid a more direct approach would make her go into denial.