New to this and looking for support

[JQ]

Hi everyone. My fiance just let me know a week ago that he has been considering transitioning.

This isn't completely news to me, but it is at the same time.

Two months after we first started dating (which was 2 years ago), he told me that he would like to start cross dressing. I didn't know what he meant, really, but he was shaking and telling me how he never felt like he fit in, and as a child instead of seeing a pretty woman and saying "She's hot! I want to get with that!" like his peers, he would think "I wish I could be pretty like that" and it would make him feel upset and guilty. I supported him, hugged him, kissed him, and told him it would be okay.

Then of course, I went online, and it really hit me. I was so supportive initially that he sent me a picture the next day that I dreaded opening. It was of his toenails painted, and his legs shaved. I cried for a long time afterwards. Then he didn't show me anything for months. Partly, I think because he knew that he had shocked me and didn't want to scare me, but also because he was afraid to really do anything about it.

After about 6-8 months we went shopping at Goodwill together. It was a good bonding experience, I got to see him put on make up and actually help him with it, and see that he was still the same person. Months after that we went shopping again but to real clothing stores and he found clothing he loved. I was so happy to see him having a good time, and even at times picking things I would never consider but I knew he had to go through the "teen" phase just as I did, discovering his likes and dislikes.

We had been good for a long time after that. He proposed to me last Christmas, and I said yes. But this past year he has been exploring more, reading more, and looking at gender and how he fit in. I asked him outright if he thought he might be transgender on multiple occasions and he brushed it off. He said he couldn't be because in order to be he had to have specific stereotypes which he didn't have. Instead he said he was genderfluid. That was fine with me, I just wanted him to be happy. It also allowed our lives to continue as it had been all along.

But now, now everything is different. I feel bad even saying this. But after the death of Leelah we had a long discussion and he almost cried (which he has never done) and he said that he felt more transgender than anything. I told him to talk to a therapist to really figure things out. He has, and said that he has decided he will be transitioning in the future.

What has been difficult for me is his openness. He wants to tell me everything he is thinking, and I mean EVERYTHING. It's overwhelming. He even talked about wanting to grow breasts and breastfeed our children when we have them. I know he's had fantasies for a long time, even as a boy, of being pregnant. He is upset that he can't be, but this took it too far. Now I realize I was upset because not only does it change our lives so drastically, but also our roles. I was born a woman and I have female anatomy. I am the only one who actually CAN have children, and I feel a little like he's stepping into my territory.

I also have a lot of fears. I have never identified as a lesbian, although I realize now that I might be bisexual, but the societal implications scare me. I have never experienced prejudice beyond what you receive by being a woman, and I don't want any more. I'm afraid that our sex life will change, because while he says he wants to keep his male anatomy, that will certainly change with a decrease in testosterone.

There are so many things that are just overwhelming. Forgive me if this is too much information, but I am in overload.

I want to be clear: I am seriously considering staying and getting married to him, or I suppose, to her. I am looking for support. I am really scared about how this will change us. Change our lives, how we are perceived, how we deal with things, everything. This is a very recent change, also. It has been a few days since he's fully decided, and I am scared.

We had plans to get married this year, to move to a new city, to have new jobs. I am scared to take this leap of faith with him now, and I have postponed our wedding. I cannot say right now if I am willing to make that commitment of marriage at this time. I am also scared to move and get a new job, which we were planning to do before the wedding.

I guess I just needed to vent. But I am looking for support. I am still dealing with everything, but he and I are still living together, still sleeping in the same bed, and still enjoy each other's company. We just need support. Thank you in advance.
-JQ

[Stochastic]

Hi and welcome JQ,

I had to smile about the teen phase comment that everyone experiences at some point.

You are a very caring person. It is understandable to have these concerns, and it is reasonable to take a step back and process all of this. It would be helpful for you to find a good therapist as well. This is a very difficult and sensitive time for both of you emotionally, and a professional can help with these issues. Your fiancé has also reached a difficult point to where changes are needed to keep him healthy. It was not an easy decision, and it is probably one that weighs heavily. I too have been prone to information overload because of this heavy weight that comes with acceptance. It is beneficial to have someone to talk to beyond the support that you provide each other.

As others have said numerous time before, communication is key. The pace of transitioning is one of the many shared decisions between my wife and I. It is not easy, but we are working at finding a pace that we are comfortable with. There are so many great stories here that I am optimistic about our future together.

Additionally, our therapist said that we will be at different levels of acceptance which is very true. Both my wife and I have good days and bad days when it comes to accepting all of this, and many times our good days do not overlap. You will experience these rough times, but recognize that this is all a part of the acceptance process. When we do share good days, our time together is wonderful, and I am hopeful that you can experience these good times as well.

[Brenda E]

JQ, your total confusion at this point is normal.  What you're both going through is immense, and it'll test the limits of your relationship.  I doubt there's much life will throw at you that'll be more difficult to navigate, so to look on the bright side of things, if your relationship survives this, you'll emerge on the other side an extraordinarily strong couple.

You were smart to postpone the wedding.  These issues need to be dealt with before marriage if at all possible - I speak from experience in that regard, as do many of the already-married people here who know first hand how much easier things would have been had we come out sooner (although there's many of us who simply didn't know sooner.)  This is an issue that should be addressed as a priority; once your fiance figures out who she is, you'll be able to figure out who you are and whether your lives fit together after all.  At its most fundamental level, until the problem of identity is resolved, neither of you is quite sure of exactly who you're marrying.

As Stochastic has mentioned, this is an issue best explored with the help of a specialist gender therapist - not some average marital counselor or general therapist.  Go to appointments together, have individual sessions, whatever works.

The very fact that you're here seeking advice, and the very fact that you clearly care for her, suggests that you're open to resolving this and perhaps searching for a life together, whatever that might look like.  That alone should be congratulated; while you'd be perfectly within your rights to run from this situation as fast as you can, you're one of the good people who doesn't quit when the going gets a little rough.  There are solutions to challenges such as this.  There's countless examples of marriages that have survived - thrived, even - when faced with gender issues.  There is absolutely no reason whatsoever that yours can't be a similar success story.

It sounds like your mind is already open to the possibilities.  That's a great place to start.

[mrs izzy]

JQ
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[JQ]

Thanks, everyone. My fiance is seeing a gender therapist and I have started seeing a general therapist at this time. His/her therapist wants us to have a few sessions together, which I think will be helpful.

One of the scariest things is our marriage. He is Catholic and I have been going through the RCIA process to become part of his church. However, his church will not allow us to be married after he transitions, so we will have to do it before if we want to be a part of the church. But I am not sure how I feel about marrying him as is, knowing that he/she doesn't feel like a man and actually feels different. The marriage would just feel... I don't know. I need to process it more. But also, if we have children, our children may not be accepted in the church or allowed to be baptized due to our "lifestyle", even if we are married into it.

Honestly, this is all just a lot to think about. I want to really look at all areas and how it will affect us. Anyone have any difficulty in this area? I know it is looking a ways ahead, but he has said he wants to begin the transition before he turns 30, which isn't far off, and if we want to have kids, we would prefer they know him as "her" and not have to go through the stage of changing pronouns if we can avoid it. I'm just really afraid of how the church looks at this, I know I shouldn't be, but I am.

[mrs izzy]

Everyone seems to never equate having GD is a medical condition that happens in embryo development.

It's not a life style and its not a choice.

If you can love her for being and looking female then you can move past society bashing.

Education of GD and standing up for being just another human trying to live with the hand they are given.

Read up in our reference library.

Real education not Jerry Springer ....

Love can be great. And your relationship can also.

[blueconstancy]

I think that postponing wedding talk is wise; this way, if you do eventually choose to marry, it'll be in full awareness and as a conscious choice to take on this journey.

It does sound to me as though your husband is secretly (and now less secretly!) tending towards social transition, which is a challenge for partners as well. And I'll say what I always do, that it's possible for relationships to come through transition happier and stronger - mine did! - and the odds are actually fairly good, but if you do end up deciding you can't stay with him, it won't make you a bad person or transphobic.

That said, I will admit this is the first time I've had to revoke my other usual advice of "be sure to communicate," as it seems he's overdoing it. It's also perfectly fair and reasonable for you to ask him to only share at certain times/when you ask for it/about certain topics, so that you don't get trans overload from hearing every single thought to flicker across his mind!

I was also terrified of change, and that was without the whole list of huge life changes that are *not* about transition which you both have on your plate as well. This is a lot to take in, more so with the avalanche of information from him, and it's OK and normal to need some time to basically sit and take deep breaths while you try to take it all in. It took me months before the whole transition idea became less overwhelming and I could start to look at it as individual components which weren't separately too scary, rather than a gigantic flood of worries and I was drowning.

I'd long since left the church and we don't plan to have kids, so I have no real input on those aspects. But I wanted to let you know that there's someone out here who's been where you are, and it *does* get better and you *can* get through it (with or without him in the end). Good luck, and do feel free to keep asking for support.

[JQ]

Thanks, everyone. The last few days have been much better. Having time where we just discuss our day and don't spend all of our time talking about his future transition has helped us get back to normal. We had quite a few days where there was no sleep and lots of crying. I almost gave up, but knew that I needed more time to process it all.

He brought home supplements to assist with hair growth the other day. It was for me, as I've been trying to grow it out and it's in the awkward stage right now. He decided he's going to take them with me to start growing his hair out as well. So, I guess it really has begun. No more just talking about the future, about what 'might' happen. I asked him if he felt like he identified as more female now, but he said no. He still looks in the mirror and sees a man, he said he doesn't feel like he has 'earned' being a woman yet. His next step will be to work on the voice.

On the bright side, I told my brother what has been going on. He was very supportive of anything I might do, and encouraged me to see if I might be attracted to women, because if so, this might not really be that big of a deal. I have seen my fiancé dressed before, wearing a wig, and I can honestly say he was beautiful. It's just a shock to realize that it won't be every so often as I was led to believe, but rather every day. I will lose the man I've come to love.

I don't say that to be harsh, but it's true. I will lose his amazing voice, the way he dresses, his big, muscled arms, the way he smells and feels. I know I wouldn't be losing the person inside, but.....

Honestly, it's like going through dating all over again, except knowing that i love him so much, and that I want to stay with him through it all.

If you don't mind, in addition to going to therapy I'd like to process on here. There are little support groups in my area, and the one I could attend is during my work hours. Thank you all for your support, it really means a lot.

JQ

[JQ]

Blue constancy, thank you for your support about the wedding. I really feel, more so each passing day, that we have too much on our plates right now and need time to date, to get to know each other again, to support one another through this.

This may sound silly, but I'm upset that we aren't getting married. I'm mad that I had to call my family and my maid of honor and say it is off. I'm mad that my fiances sister is getting married next year and I will have to be at the wedding feeling awful. But maybe by then my feelings will change. Seeing people get engaged after me, which has been an awful lot, and married before me, it hurts.

I'm trying to remember we are doing the best thing for us, but it makes me feel like it won't ever happen. I was actually crying to him and saying "I can't plan this wedding. I would feel awful looking at wedding dresses. What's the point of a wedding dress if you're not getting married?" It was unfair to say, but I'm still mourning it all.

[blueconstancy]

JQ : I don't think that's silly at all, but even if it is, it's a highly emotional time and you should give yourself permission to have "irrational" and silly reactions sometimes. I know there were moments when I was fully aware that I was upset over something ridiculous, but I couldn't stop feeling it anyway. You probably *will* get married, I suspect, but you've had to take a big step backward, from engaged and planning a wedding to that pre-engagement period where you feel out whether you're ready to marry. That IS a loss, a genuine one, and of course you're unhappy about it. The good news that you'll be 100% committed and happy if you both do re-connect while dating her as a woman... is not going to be much consolation right now.

I'm afraid I can only say basically the same thing about all the other things you'll lose about your spouse. The fact that we can keep the person who is inside is a huge blessing and a gift - later on. The problem is that all the pain and loss happens up front, and the rewards are only long after we've gone through all that. This is the hardest time, and yes, you're allowed and maybe even expected to grieve for all the little and bigger things you're losing. I cried for days when my wife changed from men's deodorant, speaking of silly stuff. Ear piercing sent me into a weeks-long tailspin. By the time we got to genital surgery I was perfectly fine with it and even eager to get this all done with, but I will be perfectly honest, it was a long hard road.  You're at the very beginning of the process, and while it will get easier, there's no sugar-coating the fact that there will likely be some painful times first.

[JQ]

Blue constancy, that's it exactly. I was just saying to my therapist that I don't want to miss his smell, because I love it, a combination of his own scent and his deodorant. I love his deodorant smell, to be honest. That's not happening anytime soon that I know of, but I'm glad someone gets it, instead of just saying "it's still the same person". Well yes it is, but all the small things I know and love like the type of deodorant he uses will change. It really is like dating all over again.