Confusion

[Ara]

Hello everyone.

I've rejected the idea of being a cis man for about four years now.  Over that period I have for the most part just identified as a non-binary male.  In a way that kind of helped, I was able to view myself as socially very different from guys, and it eased a bit of the social dysphoria.  Every few months I'd become aware of physical dysphoria stuff, I'd get frustrated looking for ways to physically transition to a more androgynous look.  Alas, I couldn't really settle for anything, most of them were about clothes and makeup (which really aren't my thing, I don't like make up and dressing in feminine clothing when I'm obviously quite masculine is terrifying!). 

I have thought about transitioning to female more and more.  As I get older it's getting more frequent.  What I've noticed is that I generally get it most when I'm OBSESSING about gender.  I start to think about how I might really just be tricking myself into thinking that I'm transgender because I have an active imagination.  My personal counter argument is that I just don't notice physical dysphoria because I keep myself dissociated from myself. 

An epiphany occurred when I realised that I really feel uncomfortable with my genitals, that even though I can't really tuck (it just... doesn't work, I think I need steel-reinforced underwear of something haha) I really do like feeling that I have nothing there. 

I've talked to a FtM friend about it, and he said that pre-transition people can feel very numb, so I am mostly thinking it's that.  I also don't think this feeling of uncertainty is ever going to go away unless I try transitioning properly.  It's not that I like being male or anything, I think I just always feel quite numb. 

Another source of confusion is that I am attracted to guys and I sometimes confuse "god I like that guy's body" with "God I want to be like that guy".  But I get the "god I want to be like that woman" feeling as well, and it's very different. 

Has anyone else ever felt this way?  When the confusion mixes with my general anxiety about transitioning (will I be safe on trains, will I be able to get a proper job, will I be romantically alone forever?) then it pushes me back a lot, but I've tried living this way and it's four years, it's not getting any better and I know that the sooner, the better!

[JacquelineGrace]

Hey Ara,

I definitely relate to your thoughts and anxieties very well. I am bigender and constantly battle with myself about whether or not I should take the leap and become a trans woman.

I also thought "hey, I probably just have too active of an imagination, I'm really cis." But, I believe the consistency of my feelings is enough to say that's not true. I took interest in being a woman when I was young but my brother set that straight and said "that's not for you, you're a boy." "Okay." I thought, and so began a grey period throughout my teens where it just wasn't a thing. Never crossed my mind, despite the fact that I couldn't identify with my male peers. But I think I was just too distracted by all the new things happening around me that I didn't have time to think about self-identity. Then my "quarter-life crisis" hit, and along with it came the gender dysphoria. I agree it feels like it's getting worse as I grow older, which makes me concerned because I feel like if I don't figure out what I want soon (in terms of transitioning) then in a few years I'll just lose it and be in full freak-out mode because my bigender flips might weigh far heavier on the female side.

I also feel crazy uncomfortable with my genitals when I'm en femme. Sometimes sex is difficult because I basically feel like I'm playing with the wrong equipment, which just makes me crazy depressed/anxious.

Basically, I'm stuck in a point where I'm teetering between two genders and feel like I'm too scared to take the plunge because although my distress about my gender is huge, it has yet to outweigh the anxieties of transition: what will my family think? Will I regret it? How many friends/family will I lose?

But again, I'm only growing older, and as I do the situation feels more dire. How much longer till I just can't stand being male?

Hope I could relate in a useful way. Any more questions?

-Jacqueline

[Ara]

Hello Jacqueline,

It's just great to know someone else is feeling the same way.

Personally I think I've realised that if I have to live within a male body or a female body, I'd rather live in a female body.  I'm also coming to terms with the fact that FFS and SRS are actually things I could do, and they could make my life as it should be.  Seeing people's transformations on youtube is really helping.

Thank you for responding.

Regards, Ara

[JacquelineGrace]

I'm glad I could help. So far in the first two days I've been on this site, I've been shocked at how well everybody else relates to things I thought were personal, convoluted, and weird. I guess we all think that though, until it just kinda clicks in. It's helped a lot just knowing these things are real and not just  made up in my confused head. So I'm glad my two cents can be of any help to you as well.

And yeah, youtube transformation videos are fantastic, albeit heartbreaking. For me at least, it's a perfect balance of empathy for their happiness, and envy. But I guess that reaction's pretty revealing in itself, right? So it helps to know that.

I hope the best for you,
-Jacqueline

[ChrissyChips]

I'm pretty sure everyone goes through similar confusion babe, I know I did.  The brain has a way of coming up with 'rational' explanations for the way you're feeling, I mean, not many people are overjoyed to find they are trans, lol.
The majority opinion, mine included, is that it does certainly get worse the older you get so it is something that would be better sorted sooner than later.

Something I read somewhere, as a little experiment, was to say out loud with conviction to yourself or someone else 'I am a woman' and see how it makes you feel, then say 'I am a man' the same way.
Personally I feel a deep down lurch of unease in the pit of my stomach when I say the man one and a sense of calm when I say the woman one
That alone can make me feel more settled when I'm in one of my doubtful periods.

As for your anxieties about transitions, yes, they are valid of course, but they're all based in fear and fear is just a crappy way to live, trust me, I know, lol.
Just take your time babe, little steps, see how you feel as you go along. Hugs

[Ara]

I have a hard time thinking of myself as a woman at the moment, I guess I just don't feel like I'm physically there, or that I'm safe to say it.  It feels like a secret that I can't say out loud.  It also makes me feel uncomfortable because I'm not physically there, and not really close either...

Over time it should get better as I transition... I'll be more physically closer to who I am.