For those who may not have read my earlier posts, I started off on this site about 2 weeks back basically asking a lot of questions about whether what I was going through was really gender dysphoria. I have found a lot of help on this site which I am thankful for, from the replies to my posts to exchanging a few PMs to reading what others are going through, whether or not I could relate to all of it. But I often felt that beyond a point, no one can really help me unless I stopped being really secretive about who I am, where I am from etc and learnt to deal with the fear of being found out and accept the reality of what I am going through.
So after clearing up my thinking a bit, I have decided to share the following:
My first tentative sort of 'coming out' was to myself and to people on this site, through a pseudonymous profile. The second 'coming out' that I mentioned in the title is about my location. I am from India. I figured that in a country of over a billion people, there must be thousands who would fit the same basic description as me (approximate age, marital status, a few general details of my childhood etc), so even if someone who knows me comes across these posts, they have no way of knowing for sure who it is, at least until I mention exactly where in India I live or what I do etc. And that I need not share here.
Why was I so scared of even mentioning my country? Because as I have said in earlier posts, this is a place where the only visible TGs are those practically living on the street. It is a highly conservative society where even the courts have recently gone back on their progressive stance and criminalized homosexuality. Although a separate set of rules does allow people to undergo transition and legally change their gender, or even identify as a 'third gender', it initially seemed to me that the only people who could openly do this are the 'visible TGs' who have nothing much to lose anyway, or the occasional celebrity in fashion / entertainment where attitudes are more flexible, or a few cases of children etc where medical intervention was thought to be necessary.
After some searching on these forums, I finally found a few girls from India approximately my age who were undergoing transition while still living with their parents and living seemingly normal lives, so my fear that everyone who even speaks about this here will be on the street the next day was proved wrong. Although my situation is a little more complicated (married, wife knows everything and we want to keep our marriage intact), I figured that this probably means at least some health professionals here would have some experience of properly dealing with gender dysphoria and transition.
The next step was to find a therapist, and to get an external opinion on what exactly is my situation. After a lot of fear and confusion about how general psychiatrists or sexologists (which is all I could find online) would deal with this situation, and sending a few emails which have not been answered so far, I finally found a therapist who at least seemed professional enough to be trusted. I have had two meetings with her so far, and in the second one, I finally gathered the courage to tell her what I am really going through. She is still trying to understand my situation as I am still learning to be open about myself, but at least, she has clearly mentioned that she does not like the term 'disorder' for any such situations, because this is not something to be 'rectified'. Instead, one has to understand, accept and find a way to be comfortable, assuming of course that the feelings are genuine.
So now, I am at a stage where I have 'come out' to my wife and to a therapist, and both have been considerate beyond my expectations so far. It has also helped me accept myself more easily, even in a seemingly small way as changing my gender marker on this site to reflect what my mind tells me is my identity, instead of couching it so far by only referring to my biological gender or trying to tell myself that I am still questioning.
Although there are personal and professional reasons why I cannot really consider transition right now or for the next couple of years, I think it is good in a way, because it gives me time to see how strong and permanent my feelings and beliefs are. It also gives me time to figure out how far I will go down the transition route, if I ever start on it, that is. The dysphoria which until a few days ago was like a loud and constant banging in my head, which I described in earlier posts as a sucker-punch and a sledgehammer etc, is now much more manageable as I come to terms with who I am. In fact, coming to terms with myself has also helped me be more focused in my day-to-day activities, which seems to be a byproduct of not having to shut off parts of my brain any more. And about my cross-dressing etc which sort of led me to all this questioning in the first place, I am now more comfortable with it as just another part of my life, instead of being ashamed or confused or feeling guilty or treating it as an exotic escape etc.
I don't really know where I'll go from here. Maybe I might just get over all this a few months from now, and look back at these posts and shrug them off. Or maybe these will be the start of a long journey. Whatever it may be, I think after many days, I can sleep well once more, just being a little more comfortable with myself.
