Im so miserable right now....

[Wild Flower]

I never thought Ill get to this point.... but I feel like theres absolutely no hope anymore. I was pulled aside yesterday at work because my boss was told I was too fat (too big....its the military). Then today I put on a pheromone for females and it went sour.... so I was told to leave work because I stink. I did stink but its so embarassing when everyone knows.

My life feels like theres no hope.... I hate everything about it. I never been so miserable.... I need tp become numb to this.... i need to be able to.get ahead.... i just hate my life. My face is breaking out my hair is limp i look ugly.


I hate my work. I just want to be cry and be alone now. I am trying my best.... but i hate everything.

[ChiGirl]

The best thing you can do is find someone, anyone to talk to.  A therapist, a friend, a bartender (maybe not that); heck, you came here looking for someone.    Just remember, no matter how bad it feels, you are not alone. 

A friend keeps reminding of that: you are not alone.  Some days, that gets me through the day.

Good luck and hugs.

[KittyKat]

Never knew you were military until now, you're really gonna have to start changing attitudes if you have a lot of time left. Unless you have been in long enough and have actual medical conditions that can get you med boarded, you basically have to deal with what ever anyone with more rank says and it sucks. I was in the Army 5 years, granted my last year I spent over half of it in psych hospitals which I do not recommend. You can enjoy the military, but its a game and the only way to win the game is to PT really hard and be awesome. Job performance really doesn't matter, the people who aren't awesome and suck at PT can do the work anyway. Sounds like bull->-bleeped-<- but that's how every unit I was in except for the hospital unit operated. Gonna repeat, you need to find your PT niche max at least one event I suggest trying to max the 2 mile run if you want to transition one day, and hit high 80s - 90 in other events, then be awesome each unit has its own definition of awesome and that's how to succeed in the army, you'll get faster promotions too, I'm pretty sure this applies to other branches. I also realize this is not the advise you want, you could also be complete insane like me and take hormones by paying out of pocket while in the service but I should refer you to the year where I sent a lot of time in psych hospitals, good news is I get 70% of my pay for life.

[Wild Flower]

You are right KittyKat. Congrats. 3 yrs left

Im trying my best to cope in this game but Im trying not to take ANYTHING personally.  I am also not going to do anything stupid either... I cant speak to anyone but here.... I feel safe here. My perception or image right now is controversial.... like I try my best but my looks are faltering in a fast decline. (Acne weight smell). So they judge me negatively. .. when I  was hot *I was golden*.

Being awesome is about peoples skill looks and all that. Pt too....pt is everything.

[CaptFido87]

hey wild flower,

I'm sorry to hear this. I'm also relatively fat and I'm constantly being made fun of for it, especially by my own friends. It sucks. You just feel so miserable and begin to hate yourself. There's honestly no solution other either suck it up and not care or to lose the weight. It's a never ending cycle with these people. Even At my job, I feel each day that I go in that it's only furthering me towards getting fired for being too slow because of my weight. Its so frustrating.

Now I'm not from any military regiment, but I feel you have to do whats best for you. Is being in the military what you want or is it something you were forced into. If you don't have the desire to be there than it might be best to either leave or look into another branch for transfer. Also yes they will target you and your weight because they know that's how they can get to you and destroy you effortlessly. This is used a lot in physical training because people only want the best, and if you can't handle it they will shove it down your face until you get the picture.

I was told this very same thing when I was in football training camp. I struggled to make it through drills, running was a disaster, and half of the coaches didn't like me. The head coach pulled me aside of the rest of the team and told me this to my face in front of all of the other coaches. I wanted to cry  and quit right there. It felt like each and every one of them took a knife and just stabbed into my chest, then slowly turned it so I'd feel it even more. I didn't quit though and worked as hard as I could through the rest of my years in it. I didn't much a congrats when I finished and I couldn't care. I did it for me and proved to myself that I could do it.

You will find the answers that are right for you and only you.

You will always have a friend in me. Anytime you need to talk, I'm here for you.

-Marty (Sammi)

[stephaniec]

I'm sorry your in such a stuff spot. Being in the military with 3 years to go and having these problems is definitely hard. I was in the military and know the difficulty of that situation when dealing with things ,I hope the best for you , I know its rough.

[KittyKat]

If you have 3 years you might want to start running every where. Need to go to formation? Run. Forgot something in your car? Run. Going to the motor pool? Run. Just got off work? Run. People will see you doing this and if no one in your chain of command told you to they'll start to respect you. Also make time during lunch to do 25-50 situps and push ups even if no one sees you. Until the heat from being over weight is well gone you should just be sweaty all day. Do 10-15 push ups and sit ups every hour too. At some point one of your NCOs will notice and it'll be worth it. If no one notices it'll show on your semi annual PT test and weigh in. If you want to run in uniform there are some nike air boots I used to wear that are approved for wear that have a sneaker sole based off running shoes. Play the game to win if you want to enjoy the next 3 years, its better then a dishonorable or less then honorable discharge. I'd go back into the Army honestly if I could serve on hormones and grow my hair out, but we'll see when that happens, I think it will in the future.

[Wild Flower]

hey wild flower,

I'm sorry to hear this. I'm also relatively fat and I'm constantly being made fun of for it, especially by my own friends. It sucks. You just feel so miserable and begin to hate yourself. There's honestly no solution other either suck it up and not care or to lose the weight. It's a never ending cycle with these people. Even At my job, I feel each day that I go in that it's only furthering me towards getting fired for being too slow because of my weight. Its so frustrating.

Now I'm not from any military regiment, but I feel you have to do whats best for you. Is being in the military what you want or is it something you were forced into. If you don't have the desire to be there than it might be best to either leave or look into another branch for transfer. Also yes they will target you and your weight because they know that's how they can get to you and destroy you effortlessly. This is used a lot in physical training because people only want the best, and if you can't handle it they will shove it down your face until you get the picture.

I was told this very same thing when I was in football training camp. I struggled to make it through drills, running was a disaster, and half of the coaches didn't like me. The head coach pulled me aside of the rest of the team and told me this to my face in front of all of the other coaches. I wanted to cry  and quit right there. It felt like each and every one of them took a knife and just stabbed into my chest, then slowly turned it so I'd feel it even more. I didn't quit though and worked as hard as I could through the rest of my years in it. I didn't much a congrats when I finished and I couldn't care. I did it for me and proved to myself that I could do it.

You will find the answers that are right for you and only you.

You will always have a friend in me. Anytime you need to talk, I'm here for you.

-Marty (Sammi)

Not anymore. I hate life. Im just pretending day in and out. I choose a different job and got force into another.

But really... they got me until Im done.  Job security is high though

But a OTH will ruin my life... so cant do that.  Some people arent mean for it... Im not meant for it anymore....

[jody2015]

hi
i just thought id give you a hug. i dont have an answer for you but i can tell you things will get better. i have just been through a mood nose dive(im bipolar) and i felt just like you do. find someone to talk to and take things in small steps. try smiling for no reason it does cheer you up

[KittyKat]

They drag it out now when people are on a drug discharge now and make them do the worst details possible and normally have them work until 11:59pm then come in by 6:15am to be early for 6:30am PT formation. You'll also likely have to work on weekends for at least 8 hours as punishment. Could drag on like that for a month until your spirit is absolutely destroyed. Again that's why you play the game you really need charisma and a good way of explaining yourself when you mess up in today's army to be golden. If you do that I spent most of my time in tank and infantry units playing video games on my phone and waiting until around 3-4pm and popping into the platoon sgts office and asking if he needed me and going home. Only at the hospital did I have to work full shift and even then I asked to be night shift and I brought my laptop and played World of Warcraft between patients. I was always right at tape too so I was pushing things but I was smart, like 2 points from maxing ASVAB, and I scored high 80s in my pushups and situps, did walk test cause the Army messed up my legs. I feel for you Wild I really do but you're kind of stuck, and I'm guessing you picked one MOS but got assigned to be someones driver, that's only temporary. He probably has pull become his best friend and use it to your advantage so people won't mess with you. In the Hospital I made friends with a bunch of COLs and LT COLs because I'd stop by the command suite a lot.

[KittyKat]

Honestly not entirely sure, I was never in the drug scene. I know I've scene people who were as far along in out processing physicals while I was on rear detachment when unit was in Iraq that they were escorted by MPs in chains, pretty sure they were for other reasons. As far as your question, I never asked the specifics, the less I knew the better, I only got information from what I over heard.

[stephaniec]

I'm not sure , but I think she's from a different country which would present a whole different set of military problems

[Wild Flower]

Oh lawd.

My coworkers are like reinforcing the word man to me... and then one coworker comment on my short height... like it even bothers me.... when i love it. Damm. (His wife knows im different though)

Today was bizarre i feel genderless... like a soul in a body yet detached. First time in my life.

[alexbb]

Youre getting some amazing army-specific advice from people whove been in the military, so take anything I saw with a truck load of salt, but maybe come out publically, so everyone knows what the score is. It honestly will make you so much happier. A few people will take the mickey, but then, thats going to be the case for everyone no matter who they are. But most people respect guts, hard work, competence and talent. Overcoming and adapting, with style.  It will explain to a lot of people why you were so down before. People arnt monsters, if they see you much happier being yourself, working har, pulling your weight and making their professional lives easier, they respect that. If you're not constantly depressed and worried and hating yourself, youll be able to focus much more on your work. Get awesome. And get fit! You have a couple or 3 year to plan your transition, get super fit and generally rock and then leave the army with a good discharge and go mtf 100%! Lets do this soldier!! xxx

[KittyKat]

I really wish she could publically come out as trans, the closest she can get with out risking a discharge right now is coming out as being gay. My command team did know I was transgender after I attempted suicide and the report listed ALL of my medications from the psych hospital which included my hormones. My only saving grace was that I was already being discharged for medical retirement, my commander did try discharging me for being transgender and it got shut down higher. After that he kept giving me trouble about being transgender and didn't make any exceptions I got two counselings for wearing a bra during height and weight wear they make you take your shirt off. I had even asked if there was some way I could have mine done in private for comfort and I had to do it with everyone else. I really don't reccomend coming out unless you think you're command group is way more advance in transgender rights.