Dreams

[orangejuice]

So I managed to avoid dwelling on this for a few days, 4 I think, which is pretty much as long as I've ever gone. As soon as the thought crosses my mind I've managed to immediately put it away and think about something else. Then last night I have this dream and I wake up so ashamed. Basically it was a dream where I was having sex and I was the woman. Every sexual dream I've ever had since puberty I'm always the woman during sex. I can't handle how unfair that is. I can't control my dreams. It feels so hopeless. I wake up with so much shame I can't even walk out the door. I can't believe I'm even about to write this anonymously online...but I've had dreams in the past that involve some of my friends. The shame of that is unbearable. I feel like a sick perverted freak. Like something about me is just wrong. Everyone else is good and I'm bad. Broken. I can't handle it. Do other people have dreams like this?

[suzifrommd]

I feel like a sick perverted freak.

Being born with a gender identity at odds with your body sex does not make you perverted.

1. It's not your fault. You were born that way.
2. Everyone has a gender identity and sexual desires. Doesn't make them perverted. It's part of being human.
3. Please don't ever forget this: You are a beautiful, special human being. Some things about you are like many other people, other things are only like you. They are all precious, all part of what make you the wonderful person you are.

[orangejuice]

Thank you Suzi. I know you are right, but I don't know how to stop feeling this way about it. I can't just flip a switch and stop hating myself.

[suzifrommd]

Thank you Suzi. I know you are right, but I don't know how to stop feeling this way about it. I can't just flip a switch and stop hating myself.

Here are some things that help me:
1. Working on your self talk. When you catch yourself thinking of yourself as a freak, can you remind yourself that you're a beautiful, special person? Talk to yourself the way you would a precious child, or your best friend - someone who you love and would never want to see hurt.
2. Finding ways to bring joy to others. Helps you get pointed away from yourself and more outward. Also helps with feeling useful and important.
3. Finding things that make you feel true to yourself. For me, they'd be taking walks, listening to my favorite music, reading, talking on the phone with friends, and writing. For you they'll be different. Doing those things as often as you can as a gift to yourself. Allowing yourself to appreciate the gift and feel like you deserve it.
4. Learning about all the accomplished, well-respected transgender people. Lana Wachowski. Christine McGinn. Marci Bowers. Lynn Conway. Martine Rothblatt. Kristin Beck. Dana Beyer. Janet Mock. Lady Jane Grace. Laverne Cox. Calpurnia Addams. Jenna Talackova. None of them are perverts. Neither are you.

[Rachel]

OJ,

You are not a freak. You are a girl born with a penis and testis. Your dreams are how you process what has happened during the day and how you relate to what happened.

I know how you feel and I have had this conversation with my therapist. What Suzie said is what my therapist said in essence.

Girls dream this way, it is who you are.

Self speak is something that was highly recommended I change because of how I was making myself feel about myself. I was reinforcing what I was exposed to growing up. It does not have to continue,

hugs.

[orangejuice]

Thank you Cynthia. Its very hard for me because of the life I have had and my interests. For example the only thing that makes me think, actually I'm not such a bad person, is excelling at sports. Smashing it in the gym or on the field. And then when I do that its like, forget that other thing this is who I really am. I play rugby. And I can't tell you how impossible it is to even entertain these thoughts for a second in that environment. I often think that for someone trying to accept this stuff my life could not be worse. My friends my family, my interests. But it's all I know and all I've ever known. It's probably why I find it so hard to accept these feelings and why I'm so insecure, but  I wouldn't know how to go about changing it. It really sucks.

[Rachel]

Hi OJ,

I know it is hard. The path and the journey is yours and only you can walk the path. Hopefully you can go to a gender therapist to help sort out what you need to do.

Change, self acceptance, facing fear and doing what is needed to be done is hard work. Going against societies norms is not easy. The potential of losing everything is mind numbing. Being yourself, sharing who you are with loved ones and employers can almost be paralyzing. Yet those who love you will be there for you. If they are in love with an image of who you are then they are not in love with you,

hugs.   

[MugwortPsychonaut]

Bailey Jay is my transgender hero. She's made me feel really good, and happy, and proud to be trans. Look her up.

[JoanneB]

I have had dreams like yours. A lot more recently, and I am a bit disturbed by them. But no where near the extent you are. What makes it all the stranger is that for pretty much all of my sex life (minus the first few high test testosterone fueled portion) about the only I could orgasm during sex was to get deep into my fantasy of being the woman.

You cannot control your dreams any more than you can control the future. We can't help the way we are wired. If you identify, or try to, as a hetero male, having dreams about being a woman and having sex with a male is going to bother the crap out of you. Coming to accept that you may have some level, perhaps small, perhaps gigantic, of gender dysphoria is the first step towards healing.

[cindy16]

All very helpful comments here.

Something I'd like to add. Although I can't really remember much of any of my dreams, sexual or not, what I do remember clearly is the whole web of fantasy I tended to get lost into. I didn't know why I did it or what I related to. It was very confusing and disturbing at times, because it would make me guilty and ashamed and question myself what is wrong with me. I finally managed to pin it down to one of three things - fidelity, sexual orientation or gender.
After realizing that being faithful to my wife and being attracted to her in particular and to women in general was an absolute certainty for me, even in my thoughts, I figured that it had to be my gender identity which was driving this. Of course, 'cross-dressing' etc were now obvious signs which added to it.
Now that I have come to accept it, that web of fantasy and the guilt and shame that came with it is gone.