.:{ I am going to be getting therapy soon so making that suggestion is good but would be somewhat redundant }:.
.:',' I am currently 18 years old, going on 19 ',':.
I could delve into many details but I will try to remain brief.
I always felt out of place and diss-associative my whole life. I just thought I was ->-bleeped-<-ing wierd. (I even used to tell my parents that I had a robot family who made me. I was a "vanilla" Boy, always did what authority said and was practically an angel child. I constantly obeyed even if I felt opposition to the rules was more appropriate. I loved all sorts of movies, but I recall really liking disney movies, specifically Princesses and the times I remember most were times with my mom and how much I loved spending time with her (I had many friends and role models that were girls and few that were boys) (I also adore the times with my dad just as much, but I had little relation in many areas of interest that he tried exposing me to such as baseball, general sports, etc.)
I became more educated on gay people and had interest in it but was not into male-male sex. (but still found myself attracted to men)
I found out about transgenders and gender identity disorder at age 16 and immediately identified with it and wanted to become a girl physically.
I sort-of came out to parents but got totally shut down out of lacking confidence in myself. (also I thought TG meant you had to be gay, which was something I was unsure of)
I tried my best to "man up". I became very muscular, active and "Manly". Constant desire to prove myself masculine made my life very hectic. I almost died several times doing dangerous parkour jumps. (exhibiting a lot of OCD traits at this time: counting stair steps, always skipping a certain number of stairs, routine daily physical challenges [performed whether or not I really felt like it and sometimes causing injury], intense superstition, repeated tasks upon entering or leaving rooms, little or no focus on anything other than "manly" activities, the list goes on...] I would watch high intensity and action packed movies and try to "become" the manly characters in these films to reinforce a sense of masculinity. (fun fact: I got sizable muscle build-up in my pectoral area (muscle boobs) and I loved these and it felt so right, physically)
The few relationships that I have had were highly volatile, and I would get a feeling with these girls that I didn't have any interest in intimacy and especially not sex as I cannot see myself in the male role of hetero sex (but I do see myself in the female one at times) I almost would exist vicariously through my girlfriends, which ultimately was a turn off for them and I usually ended up dumped or friendzoned. (BTW fun fact all of my GF's considered themselves to be bi or lesbian in some way.)
After two and a half years of drowning myself in testosterone, I see myself as female again, but much stronger. After I have vivid inclination for very potentially deadly and suicidal actions I realize something must change. I meditated in a very peaceful spot for a while that day and the answer came to me like a golden arrow of truth, I suddenly felt "found". For about 2 monthes I regularly experiment with makeup and some of my mom's clothing and it feels so right.
I suddenly feel like I have a sense of self. I finally come clean to my parents once more, and as I accept myself as female I feel less anxious and need not to do anything to prove myself as this. The only anxiety I feel now is the realization that this road might lead to a great divide between my friends and family, and that, if I transition, the sooner I begin and sort of medical transition, the better chances of passing and being more aesthetically attractive I have. Also the discomfort with male features that I have (leg, arm, and body hair, male genitals, lack thereof breasts) causes me distress on a daily basis, and sometimes I will stare at my reflection for a long time trying to convince myself that I am just a man and I am confused but I can't. The only solace comes from realization that I am in fact a female born in what appears to be a male's body.
My parents (I am so blessed I have parents that are loving enough not to overreact to something like this) have suggested that perhaps it is OCD (specifically Pure obsessional OCD). They cite evidence from my childhood of periods of obsession over some facet of my life, weather it be a media character, a video game, etc. and I must admit I did have some obsessions like that but not something like this. Also, I have a feeling it is somewhat normal for kids to have obsessions at some point or another.
The jyst of it is as follows:
-Late(r) blooming TG feelings (likely attributed to limited media access as a child, eg: no private internet for me until about 7th grade)
-Little to no apprehension to the thought of transitioning medically (other than social stigma but that is understandable)
-Excitement, eureka, and feeling of relation to transgender perspectives, feelings, struggles
-Difficulty seeing future success as a man; TBH If I am in the mindset of "being male" I feel like I want to destroy everything and get really angry at the world; I think the only way I could be male is if I moved to some remote place and lived like as a monk or something.
- Exuberance and excitement for a future as female; I see myself going places a female, having success in my career as a female; etc...
My question is, is this some form of OCD (Pure-O OCD, TOCD, HOCD, etc.) or is this genuine Gender Dysphoria (Once refered to as Gender Identity Disorder)
My personal theory is that I infact am trans, but I sort of gave myself OCD (or OCD type symptoms) in my frantic efforts to dismiss the notion that I am female internally.
Thank you
PS: So much for remaining brief...
