Am I being selfish?

[Alana_Jane]

You're not being selfish, you need to do what you have to to be healthy.  If she can't appreciate that, then she needs to learn to move on.  It seems to me she thinks she has you trapped, and she's trying to use guilt to keep you in place.  Hang in there, it'll get better once you move on. 
Hugs

-Alana

[Jessica_Rainshadow]

I think your wife's actions are probably a result of her insecurities related to her parents, to you being trans and whatever else, rather than her just being a bad person. She has built a life with you and is probably scared of losing it. Even if she is unhappy she is probably more scared of the unknown. It's frustrating that she won't seek help because it could probably be very good for her. I'm not necessarily defending her and I really don't know enough to pass judgement on the situation either way, but I can relate to some of the same things with my marriage.

I ask myself the selfish question all the time. I have a young child as well, which makes things even more complicated imo. But in the end you are not selfish if this is something you need to be happy and feel right with yourself.

[ChiGirl]

The thing is I haven't come out to her.  Our marriage is falling apart even before me coming out. 

I wonder sometimes if my gender dysphoria would be coming back so strong if I had a healthy happy marriage and/or felt good about my job.  Of course, I might ask would I have a better marriage if I was gender dysphoric?  Chicken or egg.

[Paige]

The thing is I haven't come out to her.  Our marriage is falling apart even before me coming out. 

I wonder sometimes if my gender dysphoria would be coming back so strong if I had a healthy happy marriage and/or felt good about my job.  Of course, I might ask would I have a better marriage if I was gender dysphoric?  Chicken or egg.

Hi ChiGirl,
Just a thought, but it seems your marriage is close to done.  Perhaps telling her gently that you have gender dysphoria might help.  I wonder if a little honesty might give her a little bit more security in the relationship.  Remember to explain to her how hard it is to come out and you were always afraid how she would react.   Perhaps coming out to her might ease some of the stress on you too?

Anyway, you'll know one way or the other if the relationship has any chance with you transitioning.

Good luck,
Paige

[ChiGirl]

Thanks, Paige.  That was really good advice.  That felt right and I'm definitely going to use some of that. 

I just feel like I can't hold it in, but I'm scared of the reaction.   I'm less scared of out right rejection than I am with her not believing me or saying it's just because of my mental illness. "No, my mental illness and depression are the results of my gender dysphoria."

My gender therapist reminds me it's a journey and not to rush faster than I feel comfortable.  My dad and my old therapist think I should get divorced first before I come out.  I want to walk in our room and say:

"I love you.  You are right.  I have been lying to you, but only because I've been lying to myself.  You say I'm not the man you married.  I was never really the man you married.  It was a false front.  And who I am now is not really me, either.  I have gender dysphoria.  That means how I feel inside does not match how my body looks...
"This is hard for me and I never wanted to hurt you by telling you this.  But I realized by hiding who I am, I was hurting myself and hurting you even more.  I can't lie to you anymore.  I don't know what this means for us going forward.  I honestly don't, but I do know, I need to explore my feelings and find if I should transition or not.  Because if I don't, I genuinely feel like I will die."

Of course, I would spend more time on the gender dysphoria part, but you gals get that.

[Paige]

Thanks, Paige.  That was really good advice.  That felt right and I'm definitely going to use some of that. 

I just feel like I can't hold it in, but I'm scared of the reaction.   I'm less scared of out right rejection than I am with her not believing me or saying it's just because of my mental illness. "No, my mental illness and depression are the results of my gender dysphoria."

My gender therapist reminds me it's a journey and not to rush faster than I feel comfortable.  My dad and my old therapist think I should get divorced first before I come out.  I want to walk in our room and say:

"I love you.  You are right.  I have been lying to you, but only because I've been lying to myself.  You say I'm not the man you married.  I was never really the man you married.  It was a false front.  And who I am now is not really me, either.  I have gender dysphoria.  That means how I feel inside does not match how my body looks...
"This is hard for me and I never wanted to hurt you by telling you this.  But I realized by hiding who I am, I was hurting myself and hurting you even more.  I can't lie to you anymore.  I don't know what this means for us going forward.  I honestly don't, but I do know, I need to explore my feelings and find if I should transition or not.  Because if I don't, I genuinely feel like I will die."

Of course, I would spend more time on the gender dysphoria part, but you gals get that.

Yes my gender therapists have both said it isn't a race and to take small steps.  Your plan seems good to me the only thing I would suggest is that you hesitate often between sentences so she can absorb what you're saying and you can show her how tough this is for you to say.

Good luck ChiGirl,
Paige

[alexbb]

"Not telling my wife for 20 years that I suspected my core is indeed female = selfish.  I didn't want to lose her.
Self-medding with alcohol and drugs for years to cope = selfish.  I hated being miserable.
Deciding I don't really want to die just yet = selfish.  Wait, or is that selfless?  I didn't want people to have to grieve over me, you know.
Taking estrogen to resolve the underlying problem = selfish or selfless?  My wife and family saw me do a 180.  As a bonus, I'm much more pleasant to be around now that my head is screwed on right"

boy, replace wife with girlfriend and this describes it perfectly for me. I felt really horrible stringing her along because i was too scared to come out to her. but then i did. i cried a lot. she was angry id lied to her for 3 years. of course we broke up, but we still talk all the time. we're family and love eachother. shes italian and lives in rome so has about 3 boyfriends all F1 drivers haha! she seems happy and happy for me. good.
im very lucky i think not to have been pressured into marrying, that would have been truly selfish because i would have wasted years of her young life married to a male impersonator.
i understand but i dont entirely agree when i hear mtf people say theyre sacrificing their transition for their wife and kids. i think the wife would be glad to be out of a marriage with a depressed male impersonator asap and the kids would surely benefit from a happy parent not a depressed despairing one. I think in a way, not telling my girl and breaking up, and not transitioning, and so condemning everyone around to living with a miserable  horrible version of myself who wanted to die wouldve been (was for years)  much worse. my 2c
Oh PS i dont mean breaking up is 100% necessary, maybe some women find their partner so transformed they stick around and its very happy, but clinging on to her, using her as an excuse not to transition and so resenting her, and having sex be awkward not joyful, and having her resent me, for years.... never again

i think you are incredibly brave and not selfish.

[Damara]

Not selfish at all! Anyone who wants to claim that a transgender person is selfish because of transitioning, makes about as much sense as telling someone who is having a heart attack that they are being selfish because they're going to the ER.

Much love, dear! I hope all works out for you!

[JoanneB]

My wife and I both place the others happiness and well being above our own.

We would both think it is selfish to deny the other a chance for happiness

By this definition, who in your relationship is the "Selfish" one?