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Is it wrong to online date without saying your trans

Started by stephaniec, January 18, 2015, 10:53:41 PM

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stephaniec

I got myself on a bunch of dating sites where I say I'm trans , but there's one  where I'm me but don't put down I'm trans. I just want to talk to guys that see my true picture ,but not my trans issue. Is this really wrong or not . If I did find someone interesting I'd tell them ,but just to converse on a superficial level is it right or not. I know everyone is of different opinions , but I'd just like to here what the thinking about this is.
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Jessica Merriman

I don't think there is anything wrong with it unless something serious could develop.

THEN you have a problem.
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bluebirdx88

Nothing wrong with that Stephanie...

I mean, it wasn't until I joined Susan's that I started being more open about being trans online....  Everyone RL knows I'm trans, I'm very open about it, but most people I've known online over the years never have.... And honestly, I don't think it's a big deal, I am just me, I identify as a woman, yes I also happen to be trans but I don't see a reason to go around waving a flag round strangers and people I just met online....:) (Unless I'm advocating for something on a post on Facebook, lol)

The only person who needs to know is your partner or one night stand if you know you're going to do something "more" I think you know what I mean.
Well, that and people who you gain attachment to, if you really need to.. That is.





PS: If you think they'd treat you different for knowing you're trans, then they weren't worth talking to or knowing in first place.... So instead of telling them, bin them.


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Ms Grace

I'm not seeing a problem. I haven't listed as trans on the one site I'm on. If it looks like we'll meet then I'll tell them.
Grace
----------------------------------------------
Transition 1.0 (Julie): HRT 1989-91
Self-denial: 1991-2013
Transition 2.0 (Grace): HRT June 24 2013
Full-time: March 24, 2014 :D
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stephaniec

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on January 18, 2015, 10:56:08 PM
I don't think there is anything wrong with it unless something serious could develop.

THEN you have a problem.
I'd tell him before I ever would attempt to meet for coffee. I just don't want to necessarily mention it right away because in all likelihood I'll never even consider meeting the vast majority of them, I'd just like to feel the freedom of being my true self and have the experience of trying to get to know someone
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Jill F

Honesty is something that I value more than ever now.   I wasn't completely honest with myself until a couple of years ago, and it was literally killing me.  I like the concept of full disclosure and I would want it in return as well.
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stephaniec

well, I was just curious because the site that I don't put trans down has this divorced doctor interested in me and I'd like to get to know him a little , but he's on the east coast so I won't be physically meeting any time soon . but I like to talk to him with out mentioning the trans part right away just to experience the situation as is. So , I gather  from the opinion so far there's not really any problem.
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Hikari

As my views on this evolve or perhaps, I am more jaded, I don't feel that anyone really has a right to know anything about me that I don't want them to. I have disclosed on dating sites, but really I don't feel I need to. I suppose it is academic seeing as I am taken, and I am happy in my relationship, and the issue is moot because we happen to both be transwomen.

15 years on Susans, where has all the time gone?
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suzifrommd

Quote from: stephaniec on January 19, 2015, 12:31:47 AM
well, I was just curious because the site that I don't put trans down has this divorced doctor interested in me and I'd like to get to know him a little , but he's on the east coast so I won't be physically meeting any time soon . but I like to talk to him with out mentioning the trans part right away just to experience the situation as is. So , I gather  from the opinion so far there's not really any problem.

I used to see this the way Hikari does - that my history is no one's business until I am comfortable telling them.

However my therapist, who has worked with hundreds of MtF over her 20+ year career told me that she's never seen a relationship between a trans woman and a straight man survive him finding out that she's trans. She knows many such relationships that thrive but always either in stealth (which she does not recommend because of the anxiety it causes and potential for disaster) or with a man that knows from the start.
Have you read my short story The Eve of Triumph?
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Mary81

You should not feel like you have to disclose anything on personal sites. If you feel like things are progressing well, then you can tell them at a time of your choosing. But I don't personally feel like there is anything to gain by needlessly outing yourself to anyone and everyone who views your profile.
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alexbb

i dont think theres anything morally wrong with it, but i also think people who know from the start wont ever mind. so theres no need to worry. if they know and still like you then its all good in the hood. otherwise its like going back into the closet with someone you want to be close to, and the dread and fear of them finding out begins again. nty. id tell em up front so its no big deal later on. my 2c

Julia-Madrid

I think that the narrative and point in time when one discloses one's status should change in important ways if one is pre- or post-op. 

I had a long discussion on this with my girlfriends, and there was a general concensus, agreeing with my point of view that if you are pre-op it is good to disclose in advance, so that a potential date/sexual partner knows that you're definitely going to have some unconventional stuff in your underwear.  It also avoids both parties from wasting time on an absolutely no-go situation. 

But post-op, you've pretty much got the physical bits that the person is expecting.  Certainly some dates/partners will still freak out when they know your history, but some will be more accepting.  There are no guarantees, of course, but I think that once a person gets to know you and like you, this does somewhat change their perception.

Julia
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stephaniec

well, the thing is I just went through a terrible experience with the person not knowing at  first and it got really beautiful and totally unexpected and looked incredibly promising . I freaked out because I didn't want to hurt him because he was so sweet and genuine , so I told him and he couldn't accept it and left. That was totally unexpected in such a short time, I think maybe if I let the moment flow a little longer he won't maybe freak out so fast. I don't know maybe I have a warped perception , but I am being honest with my picture and name I just left out the trans part. I'm just confused because I'll tell the person if things start going away towards something more, but I'd really like to talk to someone without having the trans part as the first thing.
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Miharu Barbie

The way I see it, Stephanie, I've wasted enough of my life trying to be what others expect me to be.  When it comes to dating and courting, I want to know right away whether someone I've met is going to have a problem with me being a trans woman.  Issues of morality and etiquette aside, I'm not prepared to squander weeks or months of my life getting to know someone who is predestined to dump on me (or worse) the instant they find out that I have a trans history. 

The awful truth is that the vast majority of people will not be able to accept a trans person within the context of an intimate relationship.  I say that's their problem, not mine.  I know I'm a great catch.  That being said, I'm most incline to do all I can to put myself into the path of those who have the capacity to love and accept me for exactly who I am.  For me, that means being upfront when I put myself out there for dating purposes.  What can I say, I just prefer to weed through the slag quickly so that I can get to the gems without wasting too much of my precious life on weenies who don't deserve me.

Hugs!
Miharu
FEAR IS NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!


HRT:                         June 1998
Full Time For Good:     November 1998
Never Looking Back:  Now!
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stephaniec

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Lady_Oracle

I never put my trans status in my profile. I would always skype with the person and tell them then or message them that I'm in transition if things were moving forward towards dating. Anyways my method worked out since I'm now in a relationship.
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stephaniec

Quote from: Lady_Oracle on January 19, 2015, 02:27:19 PM
I never put my trans status in my profile. I would always skype with the person and tell them then or message them that I'm in transition if things were moving forward towards dating. Anyways my method worked out since I'm now in a relationship.
Well, that's the point where I'd like to do it because I feel the need to engage with someone first to see how it goes and then the last hurdle to see if something deeper can be achieved. My life is a reality as far as the trans issue , that's who I am and if the last barrier falls that's cool , but if he or she can't accept it no harm done , just part of dating.
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KittyKat

I kind of see having it in my profile as a filter for determining if the people who contact me or respond to my messages are going to be able to handle having a relationship with me as I am. Like others have said, its better then spending all that energy getting to know someone to have it not work out because I'm transitioning, if I was post-op I might not list it.
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lilredneckgirl

well,  ive  chimed  this  topic  many  times.
  being  post  op,  my  opinion.....
  on  your  profile,  NO,  its  not  a  requirment  to  list  your  life  history. 
  I  never  did  the  long  drawn  out  online  thing,  if  they  were  not  i  my  area,  i  just  shut  that  guy  down  and  moved  on.  chances  are  it  wasnt  going  anywhere  and  amounted  to  a  waste  of  time. 
  Local  guys,  i  would  use  the  online  news  to  feel  them  out  from  the  get  go.  were  they open  minded,  accepting  ,  etc. 
  then  before  I  met,  or  certainly  after  the  first  meeting,  especialy  if  the  first  meeting  was  by  chance,  say  at  a  night club,  I  would  make  the  phone  call.
  I  met  my  husband  in  a  local  night  club /  bar.  was  on  a  date  with  someone  else,  yes  my  date  knew  my  story,  ....
  My  husband  was  playing  pool,  8  ball.  I  played  a  few  games,  beating  him.  every  time  ,  he  went  over  and  sat  next  to  my  date. 
  Later  that  night  he  asked  if  he could  call  me.  when  i  offered  my  number,  he  sais  he already  had  it...??  got  it  from  my  date,  lmao. 
  the  next  day  he  calls,  saying  he  wanted  to  see  me  again.    AT  that  point,  i  pumped  the  brakes,  and  started  with  that  dreaded  but  nessesary  line,  "  there  is  something  I  must  tell  you". 
  He  let  me  speak,  and  I  told him,  Post  op,  completed  transition,  etc. 
  His  reply,  yep,  your  date  told  me.... 
  married  now  9  years. 
Honesty,  sooner  then  later,  saves  the  wasted  time  o someone  not  understanding  and  accepting.    not  telling  lends  on  deception.    remember,  a  lie  is  a  lie  in  the  context  of,  "  a  lie  of  omission" 
  Everyone  has  their  own  personal  choice,  as to  when  to  tell.    Think  it  through,  wear  their  shoes. 
  and  for  your  safety,  please,  dont  do  some  long  drawn  out  online thing,  then  months  in,  decide  to  tell  in  person  at  the  first  in  person  meeting.   Bad  choice  in  my  opinion.  no  tellin  how  a  person  is  going  to  react,  so  best  to  be  on  the  phone  verses  standing  there  in  front of  them. 
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stephaniec

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