Work is holding me back...

[Elvis the Pelvis]

I just had a terrible night shift...while working with a client who is transgendered, my coworkers referred to my client as "it" and "that". My gut was wrenched, I felt myself getting pale, I thought I would literally pass out from the tension. I referred to my client as "she" and "her"as she referred to herself as being female. I made sure to tell a few of my coworkers how important it was to address people by their preferred pronoun and how devastating it can be for those who are addressed differently. I wanted to scream and yell and to announce that I myself i'm transgendered, and that I wished that I would be addressed as "he" and "him"...but I did not make that announcement and I crawled up into my chair and tried to become invisible. I feel as though I have nothing left. I feel as though I don't have the strength to move forward in my transition. I feel this way because I  honestly don't feel safe to do this where I currently work. I am pretty sure there are few of my coworkers who would be allies, but I know many of my coworkers would not and that I would be the laughing stock and joke of the place that I work at.

I get referred to as "lady".

My job is dealing with people in conflict with the law. Many different demographics. In an ideal world for me, I would transition into the man that I want to be. Strong, brave, a pioneer. I would like to be The one who's called upon when dealing with people who are different, but I would love to offer my opinions and give advice on how to humanly treat people that come into contact with the law. I guess I'm intentionally using the word human when speaking of communicating. But I don't know if I have the strength in me. I don't know if I have the strength anymore. Some days I can barely show up to my own job.

I have presented as meal since I was 20 years old and that's almost 20 years ago. I have never changed my appearance to suit other people in order to make other people more comfortable.  I have a very short haircut. I wear uniform. I often have clients refer to me as a "man", only be embarrassed when they realize that I have two lumps sticking out for my chest area...then the gig is up. Sometimes I find myself thinking well maybe I'm not transgendered and I should just live the way I've been living so that I can have no issues with people having stupid questions and making comments and feeling entitled to know my business. Someone even went so far as to say they would feel as though by someone they worked with being transgendered would put themselves and their coworkers at risk.

Sorry guys and girls and everyone in between. I just really had to get that off my chest. I love what I do and I feel as though I have potential to really help people and to really help lawn force meant and be there I lie in terms of working with people in within the transgender spectrum. I even envision myself participating in facilitating workshops that were geared towards having professional working relationships with trans people. I know that in my line of work, in my part of the country, Iwill likely be the first transgender person to come out as being a transsexual. I want the surgeries and I want the hormone therapy. What I really want most of all is to be at peace.

[adrian]

Hey Elvis,

that sounds rough, I'm sorry some of your co-workers are such (pardon me) jerks. I'm not out to most of my colleagues and some of them made fairly rude or uneducated comments about trans* folks. I try to educate them, but sometimes I really have to hold back not to lash out at them. I believe most of them would be fairly accepting (though not necessarily supportive) if I came out, but they are currently not making an effort.

Re: the "lumps". Have you considered binding?

[Elvis the Pelvis]

Hello Adrian! Funny that you mention the binder to me, mine just came in the mail last week and I wore it for the first time when I met a friend for coffee. It was only for a couple of hours, but if I was to wear mine full-time at work that would be 12 hour shifts... I'm going to try and work my way up to that 12 hour shift with my binder!

I just want to do my job without having to worry about what people might see and be on guard all the time.

[adrian]

Yeah, 12 hours is long -- take it slow and make sure not to bind too tightly if you end up wearing it to work. I end up wearing mine for 12 hours with the commute most work days, but so far it's been ok. I can breathe freely and my torso doesn't feel too compressed. I try to make up for it by not wearing it on weekends too much. [emoji15]

[Ptero]

Hey Elvis,

I can totally relate to what you say. At the conservatory I've a friend who is mtf. And it has been really difficult for her some days because our principal teacher has been dumb enough to tell one of his friend who is also a student. So basically in a few month everybody knew. And many make stupid comments (not in front of her, but still !). And it's all sad because she has a so good passing. When an indelicate friend told me she was trans I didn't believe him at first. (And told him it was rude to out people like that). Anyway, I can't yell at my friends and teacher everytime they say something stupid. But at least I can tell them sometimes when they say something really hurting that they are not showing their most intelligent selfs.

And yes, it's hard to imagine coming out to so stupid friends (the most impossible to understand for me is that they are really, really smart for the rest). And I also know that the director of one place where I work simply didn't offer her an interview for a job because he knows she is trans... Hard to imagine a coming out at work in these conditions. (I had a little revenge on that one : they were looking for 2 teachers and at the end of my interview they asked me if I knew somebody else who could fit. And I told she could be great. Of course they didn't know that I knew that they knew...)   

[Elvis the Pelvis]

Petro, I am sorry you face ignorance at work too. It is the most frustrating when a coworker who you otherwise thought was forward thinking and open minded, says or does something stupid that affects trans people....or people in general. It's dissapointing really. I feel like when I'm motivating myself to move forward, and I start planning in my head how I am going to come out and who I'm going to tell, it gets shot down when someone who I believed could be an ally says something ignorant.

I am exhausted with this all. It's so overwhelming. I am 38yrs old and I've been to hell and back several times and survived. I just don't know if I have it in me. Do I have the energy to explain to anyone who wants information about my transition? Ugh..in the end, I will find I way. I know it. It's all so daunting.

The alternative for me would be to move positions within the government. I feel like if things become unbearable in my current position, I may have to consider it. 

[Ptero]

On my good days (like today) I tell myself that these smart and ignorant friends are :
1)smart, so able to use their intelligence to understand new things
2) ignorant, so in lack of information.

So, perhaps they would first say silly things and then turn things over in their head with new information I could give and so becoming much more supportive.

Something else I though while reading your post : do we really need to "have the energy to explain to anyone who wants information about [our] transition" ? Are we obliged to explain ? Couldn't we just ask for respect, even if they don't understand ? Like "here is who I am. If you understand, it's great. If you don't, just call me by my name, use my preferred pronouns and everything's gonna be alright".