Wow, this blew up today while i wasn't paying attention. Thanks y'all for the positive responses, especially Jessica and Carmenkate. I'd join the slumber party, but y'all don't want my shiny new cold. Luckily I was able to score a prescription for some antibiotics from my family doctor after waiting about an hour at the healthcenter. Soooo, I should be feeling better in a few days and can go do a girls night, or shop, or get mani-pedis then.
I really like this forum, and it has helped me a lot when I needed to know I wasn't crazy imagining things. Susans seems like an online home for us where we can talk to people who really get us. I just want a bit more positivity in the conversation: to show everyone there is light at the end of the tunnel. Things aren't usually as bleak as we assume initially, especially because we transpeople have been conditioned to expect the worst out of life. This is especially important to me because I can become a bit obsessive and maudlin, when I don't have things to cheer me up or distractions. In many of those cases, a simple modulation of expectations can make the difference between being happy or disappointed.
Last December I paid for and underwent my FFS. In my analytical mind, it was merely checking off another big step in my transition. I finished my hospital stay and was able to look at my face in the mirror the first time after being unwrapped in my surgeons office the following morning. My first impression was not a good one. Yeah my face was swollen and would take time to heal up properly; but a part of me had grown so used to hating what I saw in the mirror that I nearly cried. It's taken me a while to accept the more delicate version of my face. To begin to like what I see in the mirror. It's a weird, new feeling: confidence.
Now that I've been busy recovering, I'm not as focused on each subsequent step anymore. And I realized that I don't really have the same sense of urgency as I used to. I kept putting off presenting 100%, because I always felt like I couldn't pull it off. But now I'm not so sure I did the right thing. Presenting has made me happy to be me. FFS was useful, because of how self-conscious I was, but it didn't fix the inner part of me. I just don't have the energy to care as much as I did before about how everyone else sees me. And that is one of the most freeing things I've experienced, allowing myself to not care as hard.
In all honesty, what's worse than being born in a body alien to you, with the wrong fun parts? What's harder than coming out to your family as trans? What's harder than that first step out the door dressed to the nines in your chosen gender? I can't always be scared, and neither should anyone else. While I know I wouldn't be able to convince myself of any of this, because I'm an idiot about some things, I hope I can help others with my experience. I'm still not at the Disney ending, but now I can Let It Go.
